Day 1

Today has been such a setup for me. I found myself this morning in downtown Nashville at a 5 Star Hotel, holding a grande, no water chai from Starbucks and talking with friends. I was there for a math conference, but after a few hours of trying to concentrate on lectures about numbers and classroom strategies I decided that the day should turn into a day of freedom from work. And so minutes after walking a few blocks back to my car and hopping back in, there I was, sitting in a music room at a university I don't even attend, practicing music among many musicians, hoping they didn't realize that I shouldn't even be there. The weather is practically perfect; the trees still full of color. I am now sitting at Panera in a very cozy corner. It is a day I have looked forward to and I didn't even know it. Ah, there you are Nashville. There you are. And there is my heart...see it? Freedom, undpredictabilty and a soundtrack all along the way...not to mention feeling God's hand of providence everywhere I turn.

Twitter has been my friend today. Every time something very interesting happens, I am texting just to update, to feel connected in some way I suppose. Sort of fun to have something worth tweeting. Am I even using the right networking terms here? lol I don't even care.

This is day one. This is all I know. One day at a time.

The End

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Confidence

I ran across these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman tonight...so good.

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

Change

Today, I put my hands in God's hands. I look into His loving face and wait for Him to hold me close. I wait for His answers, for His guidance, for His reassurance. I wait. And as long as He is holding me close, I don't think it matters how long I stand there. As long as I stay in His embrace I will rest in the fact that an answer is ready and waiting for me.

We have our battles do we not? And our battles seem great comparison to our small understandings.

I am getting older, I am not a child or a 20 something anymore. I need to trust God. I am growing set in my ways. I am becoming less accustomed to enjoying change at every moment. I need to trust God. There is so much that I want, that I dream of. I need to trust God. There are so many questions in my heart. I need to trust God.

And I need to be quiet. Isaiah says, "In quietness and trust is your salvation...".

My life is about to change. I need to trust God.

Awakening

My guitar is making it's way to the heart of Nashville tonight. She will come out of her case surrounded by the sounds of bluegrass instruments, in a place where legends have passed through, in a place where music is spoken between old and young, professional musicians and plain old music lovers alike. And why am I not with her? Why is she playing on her own?

I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.

I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.

Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.

I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.

Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.

And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.

http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus

A Lot to Say

Why is it that a million thoughts go through my head, each with intention, each with it's own emotion, each with it's own ability to create the urge in me to write it down...and then, when I get to the place of writing it down, I can't remember anything I was about to say?

Humph.

This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.

Nothing to Worry About

I am blessed. I wake up every morning in an air conditioned room. I do not have to worry about how I will get to work or if I will have enough gas money. I do not even have to worry about job security. On any given day at any given time I can choose exactly what I want to eat and where I want to eat it. If I want to watch a movie, I watch it. If I need a new piece of clothing or item for my house, I buy it. I never have to worry about running out.

I'm an elementary school teacher. I don't have the highest pay in the world; but compared to the rest of the world...I'm doing pretty well. I have every one of my teeth and even though they are not pearly white like the commercials...I can still flash an attractive smile without being embarrassed. I have the privilege of taking showers every day. I have a place to call home. I went to college...and although I have a considerable amount of loans to pay back...I am able to pay them back.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately; thinking about how I get grumpy when I am hungry or tired or upset that things have not gone the way I wanted them to.

On recent Monday nights Adam and I have had the privilege of meeting with about 100 people who are surviving on the streets. They are young and old, men and women, and every one with a different story to tell. Tonight I met Curtis. I thought he was going to try to hustle me. He didn't. He asked if I knew of a place where he could go to get him some assistance for getting to New Orleans. He has heard there is work there, lots of work. He can't find work here, can't catch a break. He has been robbed; not only of money but his i.d. He says there is no way to hustle on these streets because the cops are so strict. Curtis needs a bus ticket to New Orleans. I sympathized with him, feeling helpless as to being able to give any real direction or advice. He said that was okay and talked about how God takes care of him no matter what. He told a story about how he went to the farmer's market last weekend and asked if anyone could give him work. He told them he was so hungry and just needed some money for food. They loaded him down with corn and melon and all kinds of produce. He said he just sat there eating and someone came by, handed him $5 and said, "God bless you." "God always takes care of me", he said. Curtis was not grumpy. He was thankful. He had a vision. I know God is taking care of him.

When we got back to Adam's place tonight, we talked about not taking what God has given us for granted....not wasting any resources...and also not despising them. It is so easy to forget how good God has been, to forget that all that we have is truly from Him. We do not gain wealth on our own. We do not live comfortably and peacefully because of anything we have done. Everything we have is because He has provided. God forgive me for the times when I have acted so entitled to the provision that you have so graciously placed in and around my life.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.