Walking With You

New Address

2011-09-22T11:45:00.002-04:00

In case you have been wondering where my blogs have gone...I have moved to another site.

You can find me at www.aprilrayewood.com/blog

Hope to see you there! :)

Our Trip to Ireland

2011-07-06T11:53:00.002-04:00

Here is our slideshow for those of you who have been wondering about our honeymoon adventures. :) We had so much fun in Ireland and can't wait to go back to explore some more! It was one of the most beautiful and friendliest places we have ever visited.

2 Months!

2011-04-13T03:09:00.003-04:00

We're getting married! ...in 2 short months! Can you tell by my lack of posting how busy it has been? Someday soon I hope to sit down and write down more updates. :)

We have a website! You'll be hearing from me soon...and hopefully not too long after that you will even see invitations coming to you in the mail.

Love.

From The Beginning...

2011-02-13T21:42:00.012-05:00

Towards the beginning of September, I began to come around to the thought of meeting someone online. Oh, I had tried before...tried and failed, tried and gave up, tried and promised myself that I would never do it again. But as anyone who has tried online dating knows...even if you have sworn off meeting someone in this way ever again, inevitably, it will not be forever...inevitably, curiosity will win and with the click of a button, hope will rise again.

I was actually quite timid about signing up for Eharmony this time. I was sure that I was jumping the gun, wasting time and money that I could be putting towards something way more practical. I prayed about it though...and told God that I was signing up, and so please could He make something good out of it. There was a really good sale that weekend...I couldn't resist. To go even further, I thought...well, I might as well try Christian Cafe while I'm at it. And if you think I'm giving a plug here...I totally am. I would recommend these sites to anyone.

After a matter of a few weeks and after several short term conversations...I saw Mike's picture. There was something different about him right away. "From a picture?" you might ask. Yes, from a picture...and then from the words of his heart poured out in his profiles. Long story short....we found each other on both sites before ever writing. I couldn't not say hello...and when I wrote to him for the first time, I found out that he had been thinking about writing to me at the very same moment. We began our first conversation on October 11.

You're probably reading to find out how he asked me to marry him. As I thought about how to write it down today, I thought about the fact that he has been asking me all along the way. Not in a matter of the words "will you marry me", but in every other word and action that has shown his intent and his love. I have never felt so unconditionally loved, so cherished, so protected, so full of joy. We laugh together, we get serious together, we forgive each other, and we dream. He doesn't think twice about making sure that I have what I need, about saying sorry first, about kissing me and holding me close whether we are alone or outside for the whole world to see. He chose to spend the holidays getting to know my family and friends. He whisked me away to New York City because I had said how much I had been wanting to get back there for the past ten years. He sends me a text every morning. We talk for hours every night. He bought me a ring and then bought me new tires on the very same day because I hadn't known to get an alignment on my car. He doesn't worry. He loves and trusts God so much. He listens to my heart...he shares his heart with me. And there's no pressure...we just grow in love every day.

Friday night was February 11. Exactly four months after our first email, Mike recreated our first date. He reserved the exact same table we had sat at. He kept talking a mile a minute about his favorite memories and how much he loved me. He kept saying how excited he was. I asked him what all the excitement was about. :) On the inside, I was totally wondering what he was up to. All night long we drove around with him facing the gps away from me (he's not from here so he still isn't sure how to get around...lol). We stopped at Starbucks for chai's and headed down the park where we had sat talking for hours on a swing the first night we had met. Friday night was VERY cold. We sat on the swing for about 20 freezing cold seconds and then hurried back to the warmth of the car. As we sat in the car we laughed and talked some more, and then there was a moment of quiet and still. I had my head on Mike's shoulder. He began to pray and thank God for how much He had blessed us. He asked God to lead us and guide us. And then, after a few stops and starts...he told me to close my eyes. When I opened them...there was the ring...and Mike telling me that he loved me and asking me to marry him....and I was laughing because I was so happy and so enjoying every moment with this man I have grown to love.

We're getting married this summer!!!

Praise God for the ways in which He leads our lives. Praise God that He knows the desires of our hearts and has the very best in mind for us. I am so very excited to have a best friend for life...so very excited to see each day unfold.

Great Expectations

2011-01-13T21:39:00.012-05:00

I've tried writing a new post at least three times this week. Each time I get loaded down with all the pictures and words that I haven't written for two months. The process has gotten a bit overwhelming. I have not yet finished what I was trying to say. Which leads to my next thought...

There were a lot of things last year that I meant to do and never quite got to finishing. The short list? Recording a new demo, starting a new workout, keeping a perfectly up-to-date grade book at school. This is just the starter list, of course, but even these three things are strong enough to tell me that I did not measure up to my expectations.

It got a little overwhelming thinking about it all. I told Mike that I loved it when he asked me questions. So, obviously he began to ask really good ones about my music and about school. I quickly realized that I only meant that I like certain kinds of questions. The kind that distract me from the measuring up that I didn't get to do yet.

So, the snow fell last weekend. Four deep inches laid on the ground, keeping the school buses from running for an entire week. I had been worried about finishing report cards. Imagine my excitement at the promise of four extra days of completely no distractions like going to work! Yet, even now (five days later) I am looking at them in their unfinished state. Maybe tomorrow I will get them done? :) Most teachers will know what I am talking about.

In all of my non-report card moments I've been able to do a lot of reflecting. It seems like each time I sit down to listen to a new teaching from the Bible, or read something, or have a conversation with a friend, I have had the chance to deal face to face with my failures, the love of God, and find some rest from all the guilt I've been feeling about not finishing the projects that I promised myself would be really good for me. I think the best part of this week has been handing over these failures to God. I needed to hear that it was okay to fail and to not follow through on some things. I needed to hear that I was allowed to start out fresh and new. I needed to hear that I was still loved. I needed to realize that it really was okay to lay down all of my own expectations and not hold them over my head.

I'm looking forward to a new year without any expectations except for the one that God is on my side, that He loves me, and that His love is more than enough. It's going to be a great year! I can't wait to see each day unfold. :)

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

^{⁴ Even though I walk}

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

^{⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me}

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever.

What I didn't know...

2010-11-06T14:15:00.008-04:00

Almost exactly one year ago I sat on a park bench and listened to someone tell me how my life would change. It was hard to believe at the time, but there was no stopping what was already set in motion. It was on that very day, as the sun was setting and the cold wind trying to find its way to the inside of my warm winter coat, that God came very near to my heart.

As the realization set in of what was about to take place, I looked up to see a gardener came out of nowhere, right to the very place I was sitting on that bench. He said hello with a big smile, apologized for interrupting, and begin to set new plants in the ground. He was so joyful, so opposite of how I felt on that beautiful fall afternoon. And then there was that bird, that I had never heard the sound of before who kept blurting out his song all around me; kept reminding me of my grandfather when he would sing in the sanctuary of his church. In that moment, I had this feeling that I was not alone...that in my deepest despair...He had shown up to remind me that all would be well.

I thought I knew God pretty well. I thought I understood the depths of His love. What I didn't know was that I had been missing out on so much more. What I didn't know was that half of my heart was laying hidden and dormant beneath obligations and routines...beneath fears of not being good enough and being too much all at the same time.

So He fixed that too.

What I didn't know...was that when life changed...
I would love my family all over again.
I would appreciate my friendships so much more.
I would grow into a place of wanting to give more than I could get.
my answers would become less important than my questions.
I would learn to depend on God...and He would be enough.

What I also didn't know was that I would be free to love and to be loved in a deeper way than I ever imagined. I didn't know that life would look so much more hopeful, so much more happy exactly one year later. And with each passing day, I am seeing God's heart all along was to give me my heart's desires. But even more than that...knowing the Lord has become my desire...and to me that makes all the difference...it makes everything else so much sweeter...so much more full...so much better than anything I could have ever attained on my own.

If you are reading this today, and way deep down inside you are wondering if there is more....

there is.

God is the great designer, great orchestrator of all things good. He is into the perfect details of making things beautiful, strong, and just right.

I didn't know that it was okay to hope for more. Now I know. God is an extravagant, gracious, loving Father. He longs to lavish us with good things. If you let Him take you into the process...He will bring you through in ways you never could have imagined.

This is Mike. And I never imagined him. :)

32

2010-10-20T12:17:00.016-04:00

Us kids traveled home for the weekend to surprise mom and dad. We snuck in late Friday night and then spent all day Saturday looking at pictures, playing games, talking, eating banana pancakes and delicious t-bone steaks (not at the same time, of course). The best part is that they didn't even have a clue about our homecoming...it made the party even better.

Lots of memories.

The party masterminds.

The newlywed travelers. :)

They eventually warmed up to each other. :)

No party is complete without Jim's salsa and a good game of Apples to Apples.

We ended the night with cake and a milk toast. :)

Congratulations on 32 years, Mom and Dad!

You have raised us to love the Lord and love each other. You have taught us so much about forgiveness, hard work, laughter and the unconditional love that brings us home over the years. You've made a lot of sacrifices. You've comforted a lot of bruises and broken hearts. You've helped us dream big. You've taken us on trips and instilled a love of seeing the world. You've surprised us and loved on us. You've taken time to listen and share your advice. Thanks for believing God through all the good times and bad. Thanks for believing in each other. Thanks for believing in us. We love you. :)

Rain Garden

2010-10-18T17:02:00.019-04:00

So, two Sundays ago, a few of us spent time planting a rain garden. Have you ever heard of a rain garden? I hadn't. Apparently, after the floods this past spring, the city of Nashville incurred some fines for the water table levels. In other words, as the water rose, the sewer water had mixed with the city water...and well, you can guess the rest.

The good news is that the money from the fines was used to plug back into making Nashville a greener city. One of the places the money went to was an organization that has the goal of planting 200 rain gardens at elementary schools during this 2010-2011 school year. We were one of the schools to participate.

Some interesting facts about rain gardens:

1. Their main function is to return water to the water table.

2. Since water is intended to go into the ground, not storm drains, water is redirected from those drains into the gardens. Rain gardens help prevent the overflowing of sewers, which ultimately keeps our human waste out of our streams.

3. The water is absorbed into the garden, helping the native plants grow tall and strong.

Before

Working by hand to turn up the soil.

Planting

Watering

Although our rain garden is a welcome addition to the school courtyard, it does seem, well, a bit small in comparison the larger city problem. But add this one to many others around the city and the effect is greater and greater.

There's something about getting your hands dirty and working with the ground. There's something about knowing that you are making a difference for the community you live in. The sun was hot that day, we only had one shovel, and with the absence of a hose we had to transport water in a large garbage canister. But our job was a success. I feel way more appreciative knowing that I got to be a part of the process. Thanks to our landscaper I am now way more aware of how plants can be used to make our growing, changing, developing world a better place.

Did you know that a lot of plants that are planted around parking lots have a purpose? Their leaves soak up the oils from the ground and as the sun shines on them the oil is broken down in a natural way. I was amazed by that one fact alone...and there were many more passed around that day.

Also, I learned something interesting about transplanting plants. When you take them out of the pots they are transported in, you have to break up their roots. If you do not break them up, they will continue to grow in a circular pattern like they did in the pot. This will cause the plant to become unhealthy and eventually die...it won't be able to take root in the new ground. The landscaper made a point of saying how mean it sounds to break up the roots, but ultimately it was for their good. It made a point to me as well....I have very often felt that my roots were being broken up...but in the end it turned out for my best. There are lessons everywhere to be learned.

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities
—his eternal power and divine nature—
have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made,
so that men are without excuse.
Romans 1:20

Project: AK-47

2010-10-12T22:45:00.004-04:00

So, for the last month or so I have been spending Tuesday afternoons putting together merchandise orders for an organization call Project: AK-47. Basically, it's an organization that raises awareness and funds, helping to free children around the world from living as child soldiers.

Right now, when people make a donation of $10, they receive dog tags with a child's name, age, and country imprinted on them. As I have packaged these orders, I have been reading the dog tags. Some of these boys and girls are as young as six years old. I think of my little first graders. I can't even imagine.

Here is one story out of the many: Neso's story

If you are not at all aware of what goes on in places like Burma, the Philippines, Sri Lanka, check out this website: http://www.projectak47.com/ . When you realize the gravity of what is really going on, your life will never really be the same.

"WEAR THEIR REALITY." Project: AK-47's dog tags for child soldier advocacy from PROJECT: AK-47 on Vimeo.

Good Southern Cooking

2010-10-03T20:20:00.009-04:00

I ate dinner at Monell's last night down in Germantown. This is the type of restaurant where there are 12 chairs around a large dining table and all the food is shared family style. "Passing to the left" is the rule and there is more than enough food in every dish that is passed.

If your party is small enough, you will end up sitting with other families. It is definitely the teacher in me, but I looked around and thought about how proud Dr. Martin Luther King would have been. This is a place where all different worlds are placed in a setting of fellowship and passing the bread. After a few minutes of acclimating to the table, stories and smiles begin passing between strangers. Seeing the light come to people's eyes as they connect for the first time is one of my favorite things in life.

There is no need to choose from a menu, the choices for dinner are already set each night. Last night it was pulled pork, meatloaf, fried chicken, green beans, turnip greens, cornbread, biscuits and gravy, peach preserves, baked apples, corn pudding, potatoes, fried pickles, banana pudding, sweet tea. It was kind of like Thanksgiving in October. Yum. :)

I sat at the table and felt thankful. Thankful to have been invited to spend time with my roommate's newly growing family. Thankful to be able to play with cutest little 2 year old and his 7 month old brother. Thankful to be eating a good meal. I have never really gone to food for comfort. If anything, I am the opposite. I eat a lot of cereal and frozen meals when left on my own. But last night it was a comfort....to be eating home style, southern food, to be surrounded with old and new friends, to be out on the town and part of a community.

For a few moments, I couldn't help but look back and remember about 2 years ago at this time when I sat with a family I called my own, in a restaurant much like this. It was a day I'll never forget. I was in love and part of a family who that very morning had turned to the Lord. My heart overflowed and it hasn't stopped since.

We cannot see the future of our lives, but we can be thankful the moments we are given. I am thankful to have been a part of those moments in the past. I am thankful for new moments like last night. Life goes on. All things are new. Life will come back one meal at a time, one family at a time, one day at a time.

Holding Onto the Good

2010-09-26T22:55:00.014-04:00

We all affect one another whether we realize it or not. We are part of one another's stories and we cannot be erased...no matter how good or bad the situation may be, no matter how long or short our meeting might have been.

I am forever changed by the people I have both loved and feared. I love sushi because I was adopted into a family of 9 in Tulsa, OK during my college years. I know how to run a structured classroom because of a principal who chided me for allowing students to sharpen pencils in the middle of the school day, among many other things. I use expressions I never thought I would use all because I have spent time with people who use those same words. There are places, and people, and causes that are so important to me now. I never would have known them without the influence of another.

Life is a beautiful tapestry woven in such a miraculous way. I don't believe that any of us meet by chance. I don't believe that our lives are a series of chaotic and random events. I don't believe it because there are too many reasons to believe that there is a purpose behind it all.

I am aware enough to know that I can easily let people down, because I have. I'm humbled enough to know that there are those who will still love me through the years and despite my imperfections. This kind of friendship means more than anything in the world. It's the kind of friendship I long to extend.

There is a profound depth to our souls...so deep sometimes that we do not realize the connections that are made or the impact of those connections. I do not step out of my door without remembering. I do not hear a sound or a song without the accompaniment of the past. The smell of school supplies alone will send me back to childhood and what it was like to anticipate a fresh season of learning. Who knew, that many years later, I would stand in front of the class shaping the minds of my very own students? Who knew that the circumstances I faced would help me to connect with the circumstances of the lives of the little ones that I see every day?

Yes, memory is an inevitable side effect of time. It lends itself to the tasks of either detriment or fruitfulness in our lives. We get to decide. If we long to move forward, if we long for the fruit of love in our lives, we can no longer complain that "he did this" or "she did that". It must become "because of ___, I will now ____". No more victim mentality to the throws of the past. No more lying down and letting painful memories trample our hearts. At some point, the ashes will become a beautiful masterpiece. It is the faithful promise of a loving God.

So, I can either be thankful that loving someone has changed my life or I can be full of despair at the alterations I did not want to see. Someone said to me once, "It's not about what God is taking out, it's about what He is putting in." I want to see everything in that light. God, what are you making room for? What are you putting into me through knowing these people? What lasting gifts have you given to me even in the seeming loss of what I held so dear?

When we are thankful for the people (good and bad and everything in between) that we have been given (people who literally cross our paths in our every day lives), when we see that God was loving us all along, when we choose to accept the passing of seasons, there is a difference in our lives. It's not about controlling our own perfect circumstances or relationships. It's not about loving or hating everything that someone stood for or still stands for in our lives. It's about choosing to trust...that all of it...every broken piece, every color, every smell, every sound, every word on a page, every place that holds a memory, every musical note in a song...will be redeemed, will be made right, will lend itself to the masterpiece of a beautiful story.

We are better for knowing one another. We are better for the gifts that we give and have been given. We are better for the cleansing and the strengthening that has come through trials. We are better for the chance to know this God for who He really is.

We are better because we are loved by a God who works ALL things together for the good. (Romans 8:18-28)

~1 Thessalonians 5:21~

Test everything. Hold on to the good.

To Dream Again

2010-09-15T23:08:00.009-04:00

It has felt like a very bad dream, for a very long time.

I get to the point where I feel wide awake...I forget that anything was ever wrong. Sometimes it's with close friends. Most of the time it's in the middle of a school day. Eighteen little 6 and 7 year olds will brighten anyone's day. Well, at least they brighten mine. :) When I'm at school, I feel alive and way more like myself. I love the teachers I work with. I love my kids. But, at the end of the day, we all leave, and I remember...that tonight I will go home to one frozen Amy's organic dinner and maybe some ice cream with frozen berries a little while later. I remember that there is music to write. I remember that I don't know the words. I remember how much I miss that back porch swing and afternoons at the park.

Life is not the same. What I believed about people is not the same. Every new piece of information that comes my way is a new twist and turn. But, when all is said and done, there is nothing I can do about that...except pick up my heart and move forward.

Even in the midst of change, there are so many beautiful pieces to hold onto. I love giving more than ever. Being outdoors is now more of a basic necessity. I want simplicity and realness. I want honesty...at any cost. I want to be relevant...yet effective. I want to know God...I'm tired of all things religious. I don't have it all together...and now...that's okay. I don't have to be strong anymore. I take each day as it comes.

Someone very important died this past spring. I only spent time with him a handful of times over the past couple of years. I was privileged to have known him, loved him as a brother. He had a way of putting others at ease. He had a way of making those around him feel alive. What I remember about him, I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I'll never forget how he cared for me without ever really knowing me. I'll never forget the way that even after he was gone he found a way to tell me that I was important. I think about him every day. I think about the family that I loved as my own. I still hear their words ringing in my ears, "No regrets." I want to embrace life. I want to ask the questions. I want love with honesty and affection. I want to laugh and see the whole world. I lost everything this past spring...I lost all of them. They lost me. And I've been taking one breath at a time ever since.

I lost my church family. I lost the things I thought were really important to me. But one thing I know...that when one little sheep goes missing...God leaves the 99 to go find him. And so, I am hoping, that soon, very soon, I will be found by the God who loves me. I want to wake up from the ledge I have been standing on. I want to breath a sigh of relief and not be afraid to dream again.

Extreme Home Makeover

2010-09-15T22:25:00.006-04:00

I spent the evening on the other side of town watching a couple hundred volunteers rebuild a school with Extreme Home Makeover. This school had been flooded in the spring floods earlier this year. If you watched any news footage of Nashville back at that time, you probably remember a portable classroom floating down the highway. This is the school that is now being helped.

I had gone in hopes of volunteering after school today, but when I got there, I was told that there were already too many volunteers for the evening. Good problem to have. So I did the next best thing and stood along the spectator fence. I probably stood for about an hour, watching the volunteers put together pieces of the project. Everything was well organized. The volunteers were happy and glad to be there. The evening air was warm and beautiful, the sunset full of color. There is something wonderful about the smell of lumber, and even more wonderful is the sight of a community working together.

I thought about the fact that at one point...this whole project...this whole show...was an idea in someone's head. When shared, this idea then sparked the ideas of a few more people. I wondered if at some point they had even imagined that the value of their idea would inspire the hard work and dedication of hundreds, even thousands, of others across the country.

I thought about the ideas in my own heart. I thought about the differences between the ideas of these producers and my own. They probably have a lot to do with vision, resources, implementation, and hard work. Nothing is impossible...it just takes follow through, it takes not giving up. It probably takes believing that the ideas and the dreams are worth running after.

In between all of those thoughts, I longed to do something bigger than myself. I longed to make a difference and love other people well.

PS - I also wished to see Ty...or someone from the show...lol. Maybe tomorrow. :)

Link to show ---> Extreme Home Makeover in Nashville

For They Shall Be Comforted

2010-08-06T23:32:00.010-04:00

I was not looking forward the summer...not at all. And now, I stand on the other side of it...stand mind you...and I see how blessed I have been throughout the past few months.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
~Matthew 5:4

I have been comforted by friends and family and I can't tell you how much this means to me. You all have encouraged me to trust God deeper and to let go in ways I never imagined before. Thank you.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for unconditionally welcoming me home, praying for me, and cheering me on.

Thank you, Lys, for late nights, honest words, and playing with my hair until all the tears ran out.

Thank you, Jim, for telling me that my safety was more important than anything...I felt so cared for that day.

Thank you, Josh and Amber, for walking through it with me and unselfishly sharing your love during your own time of celebrations.

Thank you, Kim. You have been a gift straight from the Lord. I'm so thankful our last names start with a T...and so thankful for such a loyal friend.

Thank you, school family...you don't even know that you have encouraged me beyond words.

Thank you, Gina, for not letting me stay down...we're making it to the other side. :)

Thank you, Andrea, for being my friend and making sure that all was well.

Thank you, to my new Nashville friends for welcoming me into your midst...I really needed you!

Thank you, Ang, for being my friend through the years. I love coming home to our friendship.

Thank you, Holly, for your boldness, your laughter, and your joy. I have missed you!

Thank you, Jenna, for kayaking and walks on the canal, campfires and late nights on the phone.

Thank you, Pete and Aaron, for building the campfire and building homes that bring God's love to so many people.

Thank you, Beth, for taking me in and being my home away from home. Thank you for schooling me in bananagrams and in the best way to write thank you notes. :) I love you, heart sister.

Thank you, Matthew, for sushi, gelato, paninis, and every single text that has brightened my day.

Thank you, Mrs. B, for every word of encouragement you have sent me.

Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. V., for Apt. B and your prayers and for being available to take care of so many of us Sweet Aroma kids.

Thank you, PJ,...for being right on time and reminding me that I am loved.

Thank you, Jen and Wen,...for being sensitive to the Lord and for humoring my love for list making. :) Just wait...until we look back and see how good God has been.

Thank you, Mick and Beth, Angela and Will, for inviting me in to see the beautiful families you are creating. It gives me hope. I'm so thankful for your friendships.

Thank you, Jilli, for everything. Your friendship has blessed my life.

Thank you, Mike, for loving Jilli so well and for taking us camping!

Thank you, Zoe, for radically chasing the Lord and showing us all how to fight for the good stuff. Please also thank Zech for his Free.99 advice. :)

Thank you, Angela, for making sure we keep coming together. I love our sleepovers. Thank you for listening and advising. Thank you for sticking up for me. Thank you for your note of recommendation. ;) Your friendship means the world to me.

Thank you, Hezkhel, for being my friend unconditionally. You bless my heart.

Thank you, Karin, for being so strong. Everything goes to the feet of Jesus. ;)

Thank you, Nanette and Eric. You are so consistent and available...so loving and encouraging.

Thank you, America and Billy. You both are so full of love and encouragement.

Thank you Mindy, Julie, and Danae. I can't tell you how much your words and notes of encouragement have meant to me.

Thank you, Trina, for meeting with me for coffee. It meant so much to me.

Thank you to my grandparents who keep me going back to my roots. I'm reminded of where I came from...and it's a good place.

Thank you facebook friends...lol...you can be very encouraging even when you least expect it.

Thank you Andrew Peterson, Kelanie Gloeckler, and Kristene Mueller for singing songs of redemption in a very new season of life.

I would also like to thank the persons who asked me to dance, who took me to dinner, who listened to my songs, who called and texted just to make my day...I think God sent you just so I didn't forget what LIFE felt like again.

Proverbs 14:10 says: Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. There has been much bitterness...but as days pass and refreshing waters and winds pass through them...I am beginning to believe that it will all soon end in joy. I don't know how...or when...but I see how God has carried me...continues to carry me...and I know now that He is good.

I thought He was angry with me. I thought I had done too many things wrong. But He was always working. He gathered me up...took me home to so many places...surrounded me with love...and comforted me when I had come to the very end of everything. Laughter is beginning to color my days...I am seeing humor in everything. There is more joy now than there has ever been. Amazing.

I could go on and on in thankfulness.

Thank you, Lord Jesus...for not leaving me in despair...for strengthening me when I have been weak...for giving me hope for the future.

Going For The Heart

2010-08-05T02:49:00.003-04:00

This song just gets to me...right to the very heart of me. Sometimes, I am blatantly reminded of how painful it is to be loved through obligation...because someone felt like they had to say or do something in order to make me happy. That's the worst kind of affection I can think of...based on fear rather than freedom. There is no truth in it. How can anyone assume what someone else is thinking or how they will respond...without giving them a chance?

And then I realize that I do that to God sometimes too. I say and do things because I feel like I have to to make Him have good feelings towards me and treat me well. I don't want Him to hate me...so I do things "right".

I forget that He is unconditional. I forget that He is patient and kind. I forget that He doesn't keep a record of my wrongs. He always believes the best about me. I forget that He trusts me...that He never gives up on me. I forget...that He loves me for me...and He wants me to love Him and to tell Him the truth about where I am.

He doesn't want my performance...He wants my heart.

Mercy

Kristene Mueller

What shall I do with you, my love?

What shall I do with you?

For your loyalty to Me is like the morning clouds,

Like the dew that goes away so early.

What shall I do with you, my love?

You keep bringing Me sacrifices

To ease your mind,

But it's your heart that I want.

Hasn't it been a long road

With disappointments,

Chasing after lovers

That just throw you away?

And are you done fighting now?

All the love it takes to lighten you,

Shame was never meant to be your portion.

You keep bringing Me sacrifices

To ease your mind,

But it's your heart that I want.

Though these sins are red as scarlet,

I will wash them white in My mercy.

Though these sins are red as scarlet,

I will wash them white in My mercy.

Though these sins are red as scarlet,

I will wash them white in My mercy.

What shall I do with you, my love?

What shall I do with you?

You keep bringing Me sacrifices

To ease your mind,

But it's your heart that I want.

Lessons in Letting Go

2010-08-01T19:38:00.011-04:00

Have you ever heard the saying about freeing the thing that you love and if it returns to you then it is yours forever? Yeah, me too. It sounds really beautiful doesn't it? Kind of makes me think about the makings of a Hallmark card, or the faithfulness of Mr. Darcy, or even the Folgers coffee commercial when the son comes home and surprises everyone before they wake up in the morning.

I think there are different kinds of letting go. I'm not certain that any of them are easy.

Families are in the constant process of letting each other go. There's the letting go of a child's hand as they learn to walk on their own. The letting go that comes with a new driver's license at 16. Then there's graduation and college. Finally, the day comes where the son or the daughter finds a husband or a wife. There's an ebb and a flow. A needing of each other...and a need for growth and independence. If the parents hold on too tightly...a son or a daughter will not learn to be a confident and healthy adult. There has to be a letting go. And what a joy it is...when confident child returns home with stories, and gifts, and experiences, and love....when the weddings bring new family in and the grandchildren come along. What a joy when there is open communication and unconditional love....when the children know they can return over and over...and leave again without being put in question or worrying about what they are leaving behind. What a joy...when families take care of each other out of love...not out of fear, obligation, guilt and control.

Sometimes we have to let go of our dreams. Don't get me wrong, dreams are important! But sometimes our dreams become the most important things...and we forget about what really matters. We forget about the family and friends who have helped us along the way. We forget that fame, success, and money are very empty words. We forget our peace of mind, or what it feels like to rest. The most awful thing we forget is that we ever needed God...the one who created us...the one who gave us the dream in the first place. Sometimes, when we get what we thought we wanted most, our joy disappears completely.

There are going to be people that we have to let go of. They are going to walk right out of our lives as if we never mattered anyway. It's going to hurt. You might lay on the floor for hours and days wondering what you ever did so wrong. You may lose your appetite. You may think dying is better than living another day. You might ask them to come back. You might ask them to forgive you. They might never hear what you were really trying to say. Maybe you depended on them. Maybe you had their promises to you written out on paper with their name signed at the bottom. Maybe they said things about you that you knew weren't true, but you still wonder about those words anyways. Maybe you're trying to cover it all up and move on. Maybe you ran away. Maybe you look back and wonder what was ever really true. That's when it's time...to let go. You can't hold on to someone who will not hold on to you.

When you let go of someone, forgive them for everything. In the long run, they could never make up for it anyway. They may not even want to. Either way, there's no point in reliving your pain. Imagine what you would say to them if you ran into them on the street...if you had the chance to say everything you've been wanting to say. If you still want to accuse them and plead with them...you haven't forgiven them yet. It's better to imagine treating them as if they had never done anything wrong in the first place. That's really hard to do for some of us I am sure. But when you can come to this peaceful place of letting go...you have learned part of God's love. 1 Corinthians 13 says that "love keeps no record of wrongs".

And forgive yourself. It's really easy to hold on to your regrets. How many things do you wish you could have done differently? How many times do you wish you could go back and say something different? It's a heavy burden to carry, thinking about all of these thoughts. It probably keeps you up at night. You might have the chance to fix things. If you do...you should go for it. But if you cannot and if your circumstances leave you without a way to retrace your steps, there has to come a time when you forgive yourself. Let go of all the things you could have done, should have done, wished you had done better. Let go of the shame and the guilt that keeps you weighed down throughout your days and up late into the nights. Let go of the fact that someone may not have forgiven you for the things that you have done...no matter how much you tried to make it right. What has passed has passed. You can only move forward. You can do things differently starting today. You can be the person you always thought you should be starting now.

So what happens then...after letting go of people and dreams and the regrets of the past? We must let go of our future too I think. You may be reading this and not know God. And then again, maybe you do. Either way...I believe there is a God who loves us very much...and who has a very good plan for our lives. That doesn't mean that everything is easy or pain free...it just means that He is on our side, working on our behalf, putting all the broken pieces together and making a beautiful masterpiece. That means we have to forgive Him too, because sometimes we blame Him for things He never really wanted to happen in the first place. And this God says that if we let go of our own lives and trust Him...He is able to make all things new. We are never His puppets...we are His children...and we are invited to enter into a beautiful story of life and love and freedom...if we would only let go of controlling and protecting the little world we think is most important.

-------------------------------------

I watched a dad and his two year old son on the beach today. I haven't see very many dads bring their little boys out to play very much, but that is exactly what these two came to do. I think he wanted to teach his son about loving the ocean. From what I could see his little guy loved every minute of being at the beach. They played in the sand together, threw sand at each other, and ran and splashed through the waves. At one point the little boy let go and was totally knocked over by a small wave. He got up crying and just wailing away. I was surprised because he had been so happy all along. And what did his dad do? Reached out to bring him back to safety as any good dad would do, of course, and then took him by the hand and helped him stand back up...laughing the whole time as if it was nothing, not in jest but in the pure enjoyment of watching his son learn to love the ocean. I decided right then and there that I wanted to find a way to know my Heavenly Father that way...and when I get knocked down by the seemingly big waves for my size...I want to look up and see him laughing...because then I will know...that everything is going to be okay.

And in all reality...I want to be like that dad. There was no controlling how his son acted and reacted to their day at the beach. They had come to be with each other and to play. There was only pure enjoyment and relationship as he taught him how to love what he loved. That's what love is all about I think. That's how God intended all of our relationships to be.

There is freedom in the letting go and entrusting of things and people to God...freedom to leave and return...freedom to be and to be forgiven...there is safety...and trust...and in the end, the pure joy of being able to run wild chasing each other without a care in the world.

A Good Investment

2010-07-27T17:49:00.006-04:00

A very wise person once sat down to teach me about making an investment. I wanted to know more about the stock market. I wanted to know what kind of strategies I should use.

This very wise person explained to me that the first thing to remember was not to make decisions based on fear.

The second thing was to look at the history and track the behavior to get a good idea of how a stock would play out in the long run.

I also learned that there are unpredictable variables; there always will be no matter what. This was nothing to be worried about...just known.

Last but not least, I remember this person telling me that if you had made a good investment, no matter what ups and downs there were along the way, you would inevitably see a rise in the overall value of the initial investment. Therefore, it was important not to give up so soon based on the downfalls here and there.

I still have not made any monetary investments in the stock market.

But when I saw a similar graph one day at a school staff meeting...I felt like I had inside information. The information was saying that we weren't doing enough as teachers to raise the data. And I thought in the back of my head...but this is only based on two years, this is based only on limited information, this doesn't take into account the uncontrollable variables. It didn't see the day in and day out successes. It didn't see the individual student progress. By the end of our discussion, I felt smarter than the data that day....less defeated as a teacher who is doing the best she can to keep those students up to date.

And last night I began to think about relationships...friendships...family and all of the ups and downs that accompany knowing someone and being known. There are good days. Very good days. There are bad days. Sometimes downright awful days. If you were to look at one downfall, it would seem that the investment in that relationship was no good at all. If you were to look at one good day you might think that it would always be good and nothing bad could ever happen. The truth is...there is an ebb and flow. The truth is...there are unpredictable days. You cannot assume anything about anyone. It is better to ask...better to watch over time. A person will prove who they are...who they can become. Especially when their hearts are committed to the Lord. You cannot react to your investment with fear...otherwise you may never see it's full value. You may never see the upward rise of the line. You may look back and wished that you had trusted your instincts to hold on a little bit longer. You may look back and wish you had never invested at all. Either way...you take a risk. You must make the choice to stick by your guns...stick by the investments you chose to make.

Because, even while we were still far away...Christ laid down His life for us. And He knew we had the option of walking away. He knew we had the option of turning away. But He believed in the investment He made. Look where it got Him...true love from those who saw the sacrifice that He made.

I want to be a good investor for my whole life. I want to love the way He loved me. Thank you wise friend, for the lesson you taught to me...I am learning it well.

You Came So Close

2010-07-27T15:42:00.004-04:00

I am so enjoying the new Andrew Peterson album today.

You could no more kill the darkness
Than you could raise the sun
And the sky was cold and black
Like the barrel of a gun

And I remember the tremble
In the words you spoke
As you balanced there on the brink
At the end of your rope

You came so close to letting go

And you knew she would hate you
She would kick you out
You'd been lying in the bed that you made
When you broke your vow

Then you woke in the wasteland
Of the truth you told
And you turned to see she stayed,
She was bright as a band of gold

You came so close to letting go

So don't let go, 'cause you never know
Don't let go, you never know for sure

And the sky in Nashville
It can bend you low
'Cause the winter here is gray
Without a trace of snow

But there is no shadow
On the silver stars
And the colder the night is,
The closer the heavens are

And so we're so close
So don't let go
'Cause this I know
Don't let go
This I know for sure:
There's still hope

Monday's Song

2010-07-12T11:41:00.007-04:00

He sat at my reading table, head in his hands. We were finished with the lesson, all the other kids had gone on to their next activity. I began to ask him questions. He just shook his head after each one. This kid was probably one of the toughest in the class; I usually saw him smiling and joking around about something. I had never known him to sit so still and not say a word. He began to cry and then the crying turned to sobbing. I grabbed some tissues and sat with him...listening only to his tears. My next reading group would have to wait.

After several minutes he managed to tell me that he missed his dad...who had left to live in Arizona. I wanted to cry with him. I knew exactly how he felt. He had no control over his circumstances. He couldn't change anyone's mind. He just loved his dad and he wanted to be with him. After he had quieted we talked about the fact that his dad probably missed him that much too. We talked about how God can help us when we're sad. And that was it. He got up, and by the time he left the classroom that day, he was smiling again.

I'll never forget that moment. It happened in the midst of my own pain that day when I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through.

We have been given so much. Homes, food, clothes, transportation, families and friends, the power and luxury of technology, the ability to work, the ability to enjoy life. The list goes on. And most importantly, for a lot of people who read this blog, we have been given peace with Jesus. And if we have been given so much, so many resources, and the very essence of life, I would have to say that much would be expected of us in return.

Hopefully, as we grow into adults, our quest does not turn in search for more happiness for ourselves; hopefully, at some point in our lives, our quest will turn in search of how we can tend to our resources well, cause them to grow, and then to use those resources to help those in need.

Resources are a gift from God, we should neither despise or reject them. Who knows what good can come from placing resources in the right hands? Who knows how they could be used to show God's love and provision to a world in desperate need of even the most basic of needs...like clean water? As followers of Christ, there is no room for selfishness, and considerably less room for false humility. We must learn how to take care of what we ourselves have been given, to give without a second thought to our own vitality when a need arises, and then how to receive again when the opportunity arises for God to give us what is in His heart for us to have. Whether it is something tangible like money...or whether it is forgiveness and the ability to mend what has been broken.

I woke up this morning. And those words began to run through my head again...the ones about how I wasn't good enough, how I hadn't done enough, how I had been misunderstood, how I longed for everything to be made right. And then I heard this song by Thad Cockrell and I was reminded...that even if I couldn't change my own circumstances...I could reach out to others in the midst of theirs. I may not have what I want right now, but I have everything I need in Jesus. I live a blessed life...a full life. There are so many right now, at this moment, who don't have any kind of hope. One day, everything will be made right. And even if I don't see it with my eyes right now...I'll keep spreading that message...with my Love.

Redefining Never

2010-07-09T01:16:00.009-04:00

On my way to eat sushi a couple of nights ago, I remembered the very first time I came across this delicious genre of food. I was walking with friends through Queens on a hot summer night. We passed by a restaurant with a store front window...and there it was...sushi. I imagined how awful it must taste, how terrible its consistency would be, and right then and there I swore I would never try sushi. Fast forward four years to a friends' kitchen in Tulsa, Oklahoma. They were big fans of creating dinners from the Food Network. They were also big fans of sushi. I came to a moment where I had no choice but to give it a try, and from that day forward, sushi became one of my favorite meals.

This memory got me to thinking about all the "nevers" I have swore to.
*I would never move to Rochester.
*I would never wear capris.
*I would never ride in the front seat of a roller coaster.
*I would never ride a sky coaster and free fall through the sky.
*I would never want to be her friend.
*I would never live in Florida.
*I would never hurt anyone with my words.
*I would never leave him.
*I would never be confident enough to sing my own songs on a stage.
*I would never do THAT again.
*I would never give up.

But I have done all of these things. And so many other things (good and bad) I thought I would never do.

I began to think about the idea of "never". Using that word was often like using a mask to cover up fears; fears of the unknown, fears of being found out, fears of finding out that there was something better than what I was holding onto, fears of change. Sometimes, it was a denial of what was really going on, a denial of my need for healing and trust. Sometimes, "never" was a hope that things would change.

There are absolute truths that should be held onto in this world. There is beauty in standing up for what is right. There is peace that comes from constancy and loyalty. I am thankful for those nevers.

But then there are those nevers that awkwardly stand out and call attention to themselves. These are the ones that call us to change. They might also be the most painful to admit to. But without change, life becomes a stagnant pool of water. Without change growth does not occur. We cannot be refreshed, and we certainly cannot refresh others.

I sat with a dear friend this week. She told a story that spanned several years and very much reflected my own; so much so that I teared up several times throughout its telling. And because of her story, I felt that my own story was much more understood. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel so lost. She had faced so many "nevers" in several different ways, but because she had allowed herself to be changed by God's love, her "nevers" dissolved into a beautiful love story.

I wonder what would happen if we surrendered our "nevers" to the love of God. I wonder what would happen if we let love define our choices; instead of our preconceived notions, our prior experiences, the opinions of others, and the untested doctrines we have chosen. What would happen if we accepted the fact that change is really okay?

We don't have to be the same person we were yesterday. We don't have to be defined by our past. And if our excuse for falling short becomes, "Well, that's just who I am", then we have forgotten love...for ourselves, for others, maybe even for God. We have chosen the word never and denied any hope for what could be.

If my life had stopped at never...I can't imagine how it would look...
*I wouldn't have known the joy of the people who live in Rochester. I wouldn't have a home here. I wouldn't have such a rich history of God's love and work in this city.
*I wouldn't be going on my 8th annual trip to California to visit a friend who intimidated me before I really knew how amazing she was.
*I wouldn't have made so many amazing friends, touched so many little lives, been so refreshed and healed, been so inspired to keep writing music, traveled to so many different places, or have been close to my family...because of living in Florida.
*I wouldn't have had the chance to move to Nashville.
*I wouldn't have been so heartbroken over my own faults and then so aware of the hurt in others...if it wasn't for walking through relationships...and learning how to love well.

This list could go on and on.

Life without change, is not life at all.

God meant for us to be changed. He meant for our lives to grow brighter and brighter. The Bible says that His mercies are new every morning. So many times God says that He is doing a NEW thing. In Revelation 21:5 says that He is making "all things new". Maybe the first step towards walking in His newness...is to look at our own "nevers" and ask Him which ones need to be changed.

I posted a picture of water running through my hands. That stream was so refreshing to us girls that day. It brought so much enjoyment and laughter during our time there. It was beautiful! As I was holding the water I was thinking of the things in my life and how there was very little that I could hold onto. But that was the beauty of the stream. And that is the beauty of life. Things will never be the same. The rocks, the water, the banks, the sediment are constantly in a state of change. But the flow of the water is constant, as is the constancy of God's love for us and the promises that He has made. His rivers of living water will continue to flow...as long as we allow them to...and along with them will come the cleansing, the refreshing, the changing, and the healing He wants to bring.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Thoughts of Home

2010-07-06T23:59:00.004-04:00

There is a quietness. I've heard it on the road, in the car, no music playing. As I sit among tall blades of grass and the cool winds blow over me and through the trees. In the way that love has overcome and made a home in the hearts of my very dear friends.

As strongly as tears of grief have made their way into my days...so has a peace...as if it's the only way to move forward. To become quiet. To trust. That all will be well. Just as it was meant to be.

I'm remembering who I am. And I am wondering why I have fought so hard, traveled so far, looked for so long...if home was always this lovely and welcoming and good. Why did I feel the need to leave? And why do I long to return? Can I ever return?

Home has invited me to sit by the fire and tell my story. It has kissed my cheeks and held me close. It has wiped my tears and held my hands. Home has given me a place to rest my head. It has walked down familiar streets and whispered cherished memories I had forgotten. It has told me stories of when I was young. It has reminded me of what I love and of who I love. Home has given me hope for the future. It has breathed life on the dreams that I hold in my heart.

I have tried to breathe in every bit of nature I can this week. I grew up loving the land and the water...I still do. It was so good to have friends to share the beauty of the outdoors with this past week.

I have tried to soak in every moment with friends. Good friends. Friends that span a history of time and distance. They make me laugh out loud. They bring beauty to the world. They dream. They listen and encourage. Their stories are full of ups and downs, tragedy and hope, conflict and peace, adventure and every day simple living. I love them with all my heart. I love God for giving them to me.

There is so much more to say. Healing takes time. But for those of us who are alive...it is inevitable. We must heal so that we can continue to live. For the past three months, over and over again I've heard people say to me, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." Living...that what I choose...I want to live, and I want to live well. None of this in between stuff...teetering between what if's and somedays. It is time to heal. To begin again. To become alive. "No regrets." That's another one. I hear it everywhere. It's time to love better. To embrace what and who we have been given. To find the place we are called to. To know the God who has called us.

We don't have to know everything. We don't have to have every detail of the future in place. But if we know God is good...then we will know our future is secure. We'd be able to slow down...to enjoy Him...to enjoy each other...to stop being afraid and let the healing begin.

his chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again

if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again

you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you

How Free Are We Really?

2010-06-25T10:01:00.010-04:00

Jesus was a promiser of freedom.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

So, what does this really mean? If you become a Christian are you truly free? If you believe in God is your life full of freedom? What does freedom look like, feel like, sound like?

"Well, I am free to be who I am"..some would say. "I am free to go where I want to go, buy what I want to buy, love who I want to love"...and the list would go on. But is that freedom? Does a person who has the world at their fingertips have freedom? Take Bill Gates for example...He is free to have anything he wants at any time because the power of financial freedom lies in his hands. Does that mean he is free? Dave Ramsey promises freedom to those who become debt free. Oprah and other daytime hosts tell their viewers that freedom is within reach if only they would walk through rehab and counseling and choose strength over their weaknesses.

Not that counseling or rehab or anything like that is wrong...it's actually really good. But my question is this...how many people have gone through a program...and followed some rules...and have willed themselves into submission...only to find themselves bound up again and worse off than when they began? How many are crying out in despair as their eyes open to a new morning?

Not one of us can say that our life is perfect. Not one of us can say that we have not been affected by sin or have been a partaker in it. Sin keeps us from freedom.

Do you see it? Anger. Judgment. Hatred. Lust for more. Lust for what does not belong to you. Jealousy. Pride. Destroying others with our words. Selfishness. Greed. Unforgiveness. Unfaithfulness. Misuse of people. Dishonesty. The list goes on...

Everything that is the opposite of these:
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

The church leaders Jesus talked to didn't see their sin. They told Jesus there was no reason for Him to set them free. They were angry that anyone would tell them they were in sin.

How many of us think that we are okay? How many of us would be indignant if someone told us that we needed to be set free? How many of us blame others for taking our freedoms away?

We are all for saying, "God is love". Why shouldn't God accept us as we are? Why shouldn't He love us despite our brokenness? And He does.

But He wants to go a step further. He wants us to be free (at peace, full of joy, loving others, content).

Has fear gripped you in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm, in the middle of a relationship that was falling apart?
Have you been drawn to a substance or activity for comfort, only to find that now it will not let you go?
Has your anger pushed everything you love away?
Are you too ashamed to tell the truth?
Are you too proud to repair what has been broken?
Are you so afraid that if you let go everyone and everything else will fall apart?
Have you denied your need for God, by taking things into your own hands?
Then you are not free.

Many of our mainstream churches have a way of lulling its members into a comfort zone. And the more I see, the more I am convinced that things are not as they should be. There are good churches out there, please don't get me wrong. People with good hearts, loving their communities. But the people come in broken. And they leave broken. Questions unanswered. Lives still falling apart. Hoping that God will someday come through. Watching their loved ones walk away. Watching their children spiral downward. Weighed down by depression, addiction, anger. Afraid that at any moment life will spin out of control and they will lose everything that is precious...not realizing that their grip of control is squeezing the life out of everything precious. There has to be more...Jesus came to bring life...not survival tips.

In the early church days, before people even entered church life there was a beautiful process that took place. They came to acknowledge Christ as the one they would choose to follow. Then, they prayed prayers to be freed from every sin and stronghold from their past (these were prayers of deliverance if you will). After their acknowledgment and freedom through prayer they would enter the water for baptism. As they entered the waters they believed that they were being washed of every sin and evil spirit that they had been tied to before and when they came up they were filled with the new Holy Spirit of God. I heard this the other day...it opened my eyes to the beauty of baptism in a way I hadn't seen before. I wonder how many Christians even know that there is a true freedom for them in Christ.

God's will was to heal people. God's will was to set people free. That's what Jesus did...he healed and he delivered. He was doing His father's will..that's what he said.

And yet people continually say that healing and deliverance and the gifts of the Holy Spirit were only for the apostles in the early church. Ugh.

That's what my grandfather believed as a young Christian, as a seminary student, as a Baptist preacher with a good sized church. Until he was bedridden for a year and couldn't even write his own name because of all the tranquilizers he was on. My grandmother was watching a television preacher one day who talked about healing...and wondered if that could be helpful to my grandpa who was so mentally and physically ill. My grandfather told her she shouldn't be watching that kind of thing...it was heresy! Not too long after that...he heard this preacher was in town. He went forward and asked for prayer at the service. He was anointed with oil. And he was healed.

The story gets better. Grandpa was a Baptist and Baptists did not believe in healing. But he was healed. So, he decided that if he was wrong about healing he might also be wrong about the Holy Spirit. He began to study the scriptures once again. And as he studied he felt God speak to his heart and tell him that the root of the sickness he had had was still in him. Through some connections and conversations in the months after that, he met with a couple who believed that God still delivers people of demonic spirits. Of course, Grandpa said, "I'm a Baptist preacher! How could I have anything like that in me?" But he did. And when that couple prayed for him, several spirits of darkness left his body.

I know this sounds weird. I know it sounds off the wall. It's so weird and off the wall that Grandpa lost his whole congregation and was put on trial by them! But from that day forward, my grandfather was a new man. He filled his prescription bottles with anointing oil and began to pray for the sick. Several of his family members were healed from cancer. Grandma says that thousands of people in the area were healed, delivered, and brought into relationship with God over the span of his lifetime.

I have another friend who did not grow up believing in healing and deliverance either. She was from a very strong denomination as well. When she had finished seminary and started working in a local church, however, things began to change. She saw so many broken people. They would pray and pray and pray. But addictions would not go away, divorces were still occurring, and at one point because someone was so tired of waiting for healing to come they committed suicide. This was the turning point for the staff at this church. They decided that there must be more. They began to study what healing and deliverance ministry was all about. And once they knew...there was no looking back. People began to be set free.

My grandmother recently told me that for 40 years she never once heard my grandfather tell her that he loved her. I couldn't believe it. But it was true she said. She told me that it had had a lot to do with pain he had carried from his relationship with his mom when he was young. So for 40 years Grandma knew Grandpa loved her but she never heard it. Until one day when Grandpa went to a Bible study where they were praying for inner healing. That day the group prayed for him to be healed from the hurts of his childhood. And from that day forward he couldn't stop telling Gram how much he loved her. Gram says it was the most beautiful, joyful thing...he would just go on and on about his love for her. He had just needed healing.

If there is anything that these past few years has taught me it is this...that there is a broken world in need of Jesus...and that I want to be a part of what Jesus is doing. I wish I had words right now to explain my own brokenness and my frustration at my inability to change anything. I know I am not the only one who has lost something, or failed. I am so dependent on God.

I haven't forgotten that Jesus heals and delivers. I just haven't set my face towards Him. I've been so busy defending that I haven't taken the time to walk in it. And that's ok...it was part of the process of getting me here I think.

I'm still praying for freedom. For me. For the ones I hold so closely to my heart.

It's fear that keeps us from trusting the One who would free us. That's all it is....fear. If only we would come. If only we would set our face upon Him and run towards Him and fall at His feet. If only we would whisper..."Jesus come". He would heal everything...He would set things right.

What is it that seems to be taking your joy and your peace today? What is it that holds you back from loving well? What is trying your patience? What battle is raging and pulling you out of control? Perhaps this is where your healing must begin. Perhaps this is the place where God's spirit must enter.

Two Simple Words

2010-06-08T11:47:00.010-04:00

It happens to us all I think. We start with great aspirations for making life better. It could be going after our dream job. It could be taking the step of marriage and starting a family. It could be taking a class on photography. It could be organizing the garage. Or starting to go to church again. Or volunteering somewhere in the community. Or changing your hair color. It could be going to that country you have always dreamed of seeing. But the follow through...well, it is either non-existent or it is a long time coming.

Not that patience doesn't have its work mind you. Sometimes waiting is good. But often, we continue to say...

"One of these days..."

"When [__], then I will [___]"

Those beautiful dreams and very exciting, even attainable goals become a part of our every day conversation. It's what we tell people when we are networking and making connections. It's what we write down in online profiles. It's what we tell ourselves as we sit at the computer screen and dream of what could be. Eventually, we become defined by what we want to do, and not by what we are actually doing in the moment.

Not everyone is like this mind you. There are those who are following their dreams. Those who are actually making good on their words. They know what they want and they are taking steps to get there. My guess is, that you and I have met a few of these types of people. They are most likely the happiest, most peaceful people you will ever meet. Is their life easy? Probably not. My guess is that they have to work hard too. My guess is that setbacks have also come their way. The difference between us and them? Choice.

I have realized that in my own life I have been leaving my choices up to others. Sigh. Whatever is comfortable for everyone. Whatever keeps the peace. Whatever keeps me out of hot water. Whatever makes people happy. And I thought that that was what I wanted! I want to love everyone. I want everyone to love me! I hate the thought of disappointing someone...especially someone I love. I've been saying "someday", and waiting around as if someday will magically appear. I've been allowing others to make the decisions. No decisions have been made. My world has been full of "somedays".

Until my little world unraveled, I didn't see any other way. Somehow, I had lost who I was in the midst of seeing who everyone else wanted to be.

Sure, there is a time to sacrifice and give up who we are for the sake of Christ. But there is also a time, to express the greatness of who God created us to be. That beauty should never be hidden away, forgotten, or belittled.

What if....

...you began to pay attention to your words?
...a pattern began to emerge?
...you began to see what you really wanted?
...that's what you were supposed to do all along?
...you stopped blaming others for holding you back?
...you did it?

We can only blame someone else for so long. It's not really their fault. We can only talk to the talk for a little while. Eventually, it becomes time to "Go big or go home"...as they like to say in certain parts of the country. Eventually, you have to start walking, start following through. No one else is going to make your decisions well. They might try...but as much as they love you, they will never know you well enough...not like God does. There is an imprint on our hearts, that only He can breathe life into. PS- Thank Him for the friends and family who do realize this and love you and support you for who you are. They're the keepers.

Donald Miller states that characters in a story don't want to change. They have to be forced. They need what he calls an "inciting incident". For a story to go from okay...to good...to great...there must be a force for change.

Life becomes LIFE when we begin to say yes...to that thing deep inside...that voice that calls us out and reminds us of who we are. When we begin to say no to the chains of the past, the fears of the future, the expectations of the present. When we create inciting incidents for ourselves so that we cannot go back on our word. When we begin to say, "YES", to our hearts true desires....we are beginning to say yes to God. The voice way down deep inside is the mark of the One who created the whole universe, who created us. He knows who we are. He longs to give us LIFE and life abundantly. Because He is life and He wants us to know Him as much as He knows us.

Saying "YES" could be the most freeing word we ever speak. (Aside from saying yes to things that would hurt us or cause significant detriment to another. Saying "NO" at the right time could be the second most freeing word.) I have a friend who says that "yes" is her new answer to every invitation (with respect to above disclaimer). Joy begins to creep back in. And because life becomes more tangible and less idealistic, peace has this way of surpassing the troubles that come along the way. God's voice becomes clearer, more recognizable. We know who we are and that in turn will allow us to help others become who they are. Our freedom will bring others freedom. Want to get others to live a God filled life? Go get one for yourself...and then see what a witness true freedom really brings.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37

Walking in the Morning

2010-05-29T22:33:00.013-04:00

I spent Tuesday morning hiking trails and climbing over boulders. I had been looking forward to this time...alone, early morning, crisp mountain air. After years of coming and going from Colorado, I still do not own a spring jacket for such occasions, but I had found an extra sweatshirt in mom's suitcase and layered up.

A couple of times, I imagined a mountain lion or a bear coming out of nowhere, feeling very small and vulnerable in comparison to my surroundings. But most of the time, I was way too interested in the view...way too occupied with the thoughts that came to my mind. In open spaces the wind was cold, and when I couldn't feel my hands as much as I wanted to for the sake of taking pictures, I found a place to sit and warm up...a boulder nestled into a hillside under a very large tree. I could see Pike's Peak from where I sat. I could see a lot of things.

It was the morning of my brother's wedding. I was surrounded by beauty and love and family. I sat in the middle of a wide open place, wondering what would come next...would anything come next? And would I have to walk alone?

I sat and wondered what God saw in me...what He saw for me. Because lately, I hadn't seen anything. And I wondered, as I had for the past couple of weeks, if my story was done. A scary thought, trust me I know...but to confess this is the most honest confession I can give.

So much seemed to be lost...promises, love, dreams, plans, people, laughter, acceptance, friendship, places, hope and vision for the future...and there was no one with whom to share my sorrow.

Somewhere in the fight, I had lost sight of the beauty. I had lost sight of the shore and all hope of returning to it. Somewhere in the fight I had forgotten where I was going. I had lost all trust in my allies. Somewhere in the fight, I had become my own worst enemy...I had allowed myself to become redefined.

I am usually accepting of others. I try to love well...look past insecurities and flaws, admire unique qualities, and support the hopes and dreams of those who cross my path. Sure, I still honk and comment at the occasional person who cuts me off in traffic. I still respond in short sentences to my family when I feel stepped on. I can be less than patient when things do not go my way. Although, it is becoming less and less. I feel so guilty for hurting anyone. No one has to tell me when I've done wrong...my conscience does a good job of putting me in my place the moment a wrong word comes out of my mouth. I even apologize when I haven't done anything wrong. I can't stand the thought of being the reason for disappointment. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out. One of my biggest fears is losing someone I love without them ever knowing how much they meant to me.

But this acceptance has also been my weakness. At the heart of it all, I too am longing for acceptance. In the great effort to love, accept, support and encourage...I am hoping for the same in return. I end up dancing between fighting for the "me" I know is in there and giving up on me in hopes that the act of giving will be met by a person who will see and give back the same kind of love. But what if they do not "see"? What if they see something else, someone else? Therein lies the problem.

Instead of looking into the mirror of God's love and goodness for my definition, I have often looked into the mirror of the voices around me. Those voices are often more close and comforting and real. Those voices offer relationship too. So, I began to listen and to believe a whole lot of things. And my mind would change, sometimes on a daily basis. Until I couldn't remember the truth. I couldn't feel the truth. I could only feel confusion and hurt. I became so tired, so broken, so unaware of what my life was really meant to be. Of course, there were moments of clarity, when I fought and fought for who I was, for what I believed. It felt right at the time; like something needed to be said. But, looking back, did I really need those fighting words? They seemed to have come to nothing. All I could see was that I had given my words, my heart, my hope to someone, something other that the One who would fight for my joy and peace.

If I had only believed, in the first place, how truly important my story, my past, my experiences, my destiny was too...I wouldn't have had to ask someone else to see it...I would only have had to live it out for myself. I could have walked strong, confident, unhindered by the voices that told me who I should be, what I should believe, what my choices "really" said about me. After all, only God knows our true hearts, and that's all that should ever define us.

It was a long walk that morning...and even longer journey leading up to it. I'm not sure where to go from there either. Sweet Jesus, be my peace...and lead me in your everlasting way.

Committed

2010-05-28T23:55:00.007-04:00

He told me that there was a time when he was unsure...and everything fell apart. There was tension, heartache, uncertainty. I remember it well.

And then everything changed. He turned back. He felt God working; he felt love renewed.

But the feelings did not always remain. There was still uncertainty, tension, pain. The difference? His commitment to see it through this time.

This is what he said, "Feelings cannot dictate to a relationship. Feelings change. Feelings can tell you things that are not true. When you set your heart to commit to someone...no matter what...that is when your love grows. Feelings, words, and actions should follow commitment and not the other way around."

When I heard him, I knew that he loved well. And although I am only his sister...I felt more loved than ever. There was a security in his words...a place to rest from any kind of fear. Thank you, brother, for taking the time to tell me that committing to love, even in the face of adversity, is the most hopeful and honest kind of love there is.

I have never heard such joy in his voice. I have never heard him laugh so much. I have never heard the certainty as I did in the days following their wedding day. He has found the treasure in loving well.

When you know that you are free, you automatically allow others their freedom. When you choose to love and to keep on loving, love has its freedom to grow and return to you. That is where the joy comes from. It is not about rules and regulations. It is not about what "he said, she said". It is less about what is being taken away and more about what can be given to increase. It is all about the realization that you are free to commit to the staying or to the going. If love is ever to be renewed it is wrapped up in these two things...freedom and commitment...hand in hand. One cannot come without the other. On their own, either one will lose their power and relationships will fall apart.

Where do you feel led to be? Where is God directing your heart? Then commit yourself to the path...no matter what the circumstances, no matter what fears, insecurities, and pain tell you to do. Commit to something, stand up for someone, even if it is just for you, even if it is for a someone you never thought you could ever forgive. See what happens then. See where love takes you. Watch yourself change and grow into a person who is truly free, into a person who brings freedom to others. And then listen as the joy rises up in your heart and the healing begins.

My First Love

2010-05-16T22:51:00.006-04:00

Many people called this land hopeless. I didn't hear them. The music of ancient scriptures burned through my heart. Love does not fail. Love protects, love trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I saw the seeds lying beneath the ground. I imagined the flowers in bloom. I dug my hands deep into the dirt...it was still good ground. Many years had gone by without rain. It was hard to imagine beauty in a place so hard, so adverse to the extravagant dreams of my own dear heart. But I dreamed nonetheless.

I had come from a place of eternal springs. A place where anything is possible. Where old men can be young again. A place where the dead come back to life. A place where lost souls find their hope. Where sickness is gone. Where lovers find peace. Where questions find their answers. Where tears are turned to joy. A place, with a Creator, who loves...who creates...who gathers...who speaks. And when He speaks, something comes to life...where nothing had existed before. I came from a place where all things are made new.

No matter what anyone else told me...this barren land had hope. And I embraced it, calling it my very own. I sang and danced as if the most beautiful gift had been given to me. This, this is what I had been created for. I heard the sounds of my own heart beating. I saw my dreams come alive. A rose garden here, an oak tree there...a field to the left...and to the right a most beautiful vegetable garden. And closest to where I stood an open area to gather my friends and entertain strangers. Walking paths, a trellis. Children laughing. I had even bought a new dress to wear.

I did not expect the land to fight against me. Thorns and thistles began to crowd out the seeds I had so lovingly planted. I did not expect the rains, that I had loved since my birth, to flood rather than soak into the ground. The ground was so hard and cracked, unwilling to be refreshed by what it so desperately needed. I chided myself for not preparing well enough. I cried for the lack of knowledge in comparison to the voice of great dreams inside of my head.

I longed for a companion to help me rather than to offer the advice of giving up. I didn't want an easy, ready-made piece of property. I wanted something real, something worth the sweat and tears. I wanted a story. I wanted character and depth. I wanted to laugh and say, "I don't remember the pain, it was worth it in the end." There were some friends, who would stay for awhile. I am grateful for the tears that they cried with me; for the stories of hope and the words of life that they brought to my door. But they each had their own land too. Some were at the very beginning, some had enough trouble of their own, others were enjoying the fruit of their labor. And I could not hold them back to stay with me. Eventually, I was alone again.

Until I remembered my Creator. The one who had sent me here. The one who had given me a heart to love this land. The one who had given me the strength thus far. He had been good to me. He was the one who made me fall in love with the work of redemption, with the miracle of seeing something come from nothing. He was the one who told me that all would be well, that He would make all things new. I finally told Him, that I had tried. I had tried so hard. I told Him, that I was tired. I asked Him why He hadn't come sooner. I asked Him what in the world He was trying to do. I was angry with the thought that He would knowingly lead me to love a place that was doomed from the start. Or even worse, ask me to love and dream, only later to ask me to walk away as if it was never mine in the first place. What kind of Creator plays that sort of game with the heart? And then I wondered if He had led me here at all. I wondered if I hadn't picked it out for my very self and used Him to make my dreams come true. What was really true about this place? What was really true inside of me?

I stood there, staring at the sky. Wearing my new dress. Feeling as if I had only just awoke from a dream. A dream, that upon awakening, left me wanting to go back and change the course of all that had happened. And I wondered where everyone had gone, and how I had gotten here. I wondered where home was, and if anyone would come for me. I wondered how this barren land could ever become new. I wondered if anyone would ever see the hope that was alive in my heart. In that moment, I wanted so badly to run without ever looking back...and I longed to stay and start all over again. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" I cried...not knowing if I was screaming to the circumstances, or to the intents of my own heart.

The rains came down harder. The silence was deafening. All was lost.

And how long had it all been lost really? I was faced with the most terrifying questions. In the end, what had been worse, losing the land or misplacing my love for the Creator who held all of it in His hands? After all, it was not the land I had not been created for had it? I had been created for Him...the Creator...and that made all of the difference.

I stood there reminded of the ancient words...If we lose all, we still have Him. But without Him, we have nothing at all.

Matthew 10:39

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Revelation 2:2-5
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

Community in Action

2010-05-11T23:15:00.008-04:00

I have met some incredible people here in Nashville. People who do not just talk about changing the world...they live it out...one day at a time, in so many different ways. People who are not consumed by living just "The American Dream". People who are reaching beyond their comfort zones to bring relief, hope, comfort, and love to those who do not have it at all. Unselfish people. Serving people. People with stories of their own despair...turned into hope...turned into healing words and hands.

For instance, there's the Monday night homeless outreach...a group of friends who for a little more than a year now have gotten together once a week and served a meal to the homeless population downtown. It's called People Loving Nashville.

Then, there's Journey Ecclesia which I have found myself so thankful to be a part of. There are so many artists and creative people all working towards simply knowing God and expressing His love to both local and worldwide communities. Even on Sundays there will always be teams out serving somewhere...in nursing homes, local schools and businesses, visiting people who are in need of help.

I live in the Volunteer State. And this past week has been nothing short of seeing the reality of this given nickname. So many people have been out on the streets, helping neighbors, friends, and even strangers. I have heard so many stories that bring hope rather than despair. How many of us know that in our time of greatest despair, hope often comes when someone will come along side of us and help us to pick up the pieces? Here are some pictures from the flood last week.

Not to mention so many more personal experiences in this past year. There have been days recently when I am overwhelmed with the kindness of my friends and family. I have seen a community surround and bless and pray in ways that I have never seen before. I can see God in the love of people, without a word ever being spoken. I can see Him at work everywhere. It's so beautiful. I hardly have words to express my thankfulness at being able to experience such things. No wonder the Bible talks about not giving up on each other. We need each other...in the good times and especially in the bad.

The following is my new favorite blog. ---> Global Support Mission I don't know Jeremy too well, but enough to know that he is a catalyst for opening people's eyes to what is really going on in the world. He is the U.S. Programs Director for an organization called Know.Think.Act. This organization raises awareness and direct support for communities in need around the world. I have posted a video below of only one of the many stories. Enjoy. Hopefully, you too are finding ways to bless your community and bring hope to those around you. It doesn't take much...the littlest thing goes a very long way.

Deborah's Story from Global Support Mission on Vimeo.

Proverbs 11:25
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Worth Fighting For

2010-05-07T10:00:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, all hope seems lost. Sometimes, it seems like the whole world is caving in. Sometimes, everything you have worked for falls apart. At those times, it is good to remember that we are not alone. There is a God who loves us and who is going to make all things right in the end. Read this ---> Revelation 21:3-7

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

Buddy

2010-05-05T21:56:00.003-04:00

Everyone should have a happy face to meet them at the door. This was the face that met Kim and I this week.

Buddy came to us during the Nashville storm. We opened our apartment door Sunday morning and before we knew it we had a wet, but very friendly, puppy dog in our living room. He quickly insisted upon staying. So what else could we do but invite him on our trip to the grocery store during a break in the rain. We picked up dog food and treats, along with some shampoo. Throughout the week he has entertained our friends, eaten food from our plates, pulled us along for walks in the neighborhood, curled up beside us at night, barked for the whole neighborhood to hear when we had to leave him at home.

Today, Buddy happily jumped in the car with Kim's cousin unafraid of his next adventure. They have another dog and a big backyard. After some searching Kim and I have no idea where "Buddy" came from, and we are not ready for the joys of pet ownership at this point in our lives. We know he'll be happy in his new home.

Beautitudes

2010-04-29T00:15:00.004-04:00

This passage meant so much to me tonight as I read it over the phone with Adam. I can't think of anything else to write. With a week like this one past...and a season like this one I have walked through...I feel lost for words and totally unable to fit every lesson and treasure into one small blog entry. Sometimes, we just have to let go and trust that God is continually in the process of making all things new. We have to believe and rest in the fact that He will never give up, even when our strength is gone.

Matthew 5:3-12

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

^11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

Prayer Update

2010-04-20T13:15:00.003-04:00

I am not able to update my facebook from work, but I wanted to update everyone who has been praying. Adam lost his brother yesterday. He had fallen during a climb on the trail. Please lift this family up. Pray that they would sense how near God is to them. Thank you everyone. I know your fervent and effective prayers mean the world to Adam and his family right now...it is the love language of God's kingdom.

Two Kinds of Wisdom

2010-04-08T00:12:00.003-04:00

The lesson I am learning: Actions speak louder than words. I am convicted most recently that my spoken ideals are nothing compared to the way I live my life. My life is speaking much louder about what I believe than my words ever will. I could talk for hours about what I believe but in the end it's a bunch of nonsense if I do not live it out. So, slowly but surely...I am making more effort to try to live truthfully first...and explain/analyze/discuss/define later.

James 3:13-18

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Worthy of Love

2010-04-03T22:55:00.005-04:00

It must have been so quiet in the room that night. So many thoughts must have raced through their minds. They must have had so many questions. He made it sound like the end. He was speaking words they did not understand.

And there He was, taking each of their feet...and washing them. There He was, choosing His words carefully, nothing wasted. He reminded them of His love. He told them what was to come. He told them to remember.

They promised not to abandon Him. But He knew...that each one of them would turn away that night. He knew He would have to go forward alone. But that didn't stop Him.

He went ahead...and continued to wash their feet. He went ahead, giving them bread and wine, so that when they looked back on that night they would remember His covenant to them. And very soon after that, He went ahead and gave up His life for them.

He knew their imperfections, their failures...and He loved them anyways. He knew what they were capable of, what they were prone to do...and He loved them anyways. He saw the future. He believed in them. He knew that they would carry His message. He knew that although they would deny Him in fear...once again they would turn and give their lives for the great love of God that had been displayed to them. He knew the genuineness their love. And He knew that His own love was stronger than the death He would soon experience.

Two thousand years later I love a man who laid His life down for me. I don't understand that kind of love. But I recognize it. I want to see Him with my own eyes, hear Him with my own ears. I want to look deep into His eyes...and see the hope He must have carried with Him on that awful day. The hope that if only He would lay down His life...my life would begin...and I would know Him. Imagine that desire of His heart. Imagine loving that deeply and that unselfishly. Imagine loving in the face of rejection.

Even then, He already knew...what I had done. Even then, He knew that I would turn my back on Him. He knew that I would ask Him questions. He knew my sin and all the things I had deemed more important than knowing God. He knew...and He went to the cross for me. He laid down His life for me. For you. Because He saw the joy of one day what would be. W e would know the truth about Him and that truth would set us free.

If that is love...then I am ruined. I long to walk worthy of such a love. He is worthy of mine.

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Complete Trust

2010-04-03T01:01:00.008-04:00

Ever have trouble thinking that God is asking too much? Listen to this message video...

Opened Hands

"You have no idea what hangs in the balance of your decision to follow Jesus." -Andy Stanley

...so they left everything and they followed Him. Luke 5:11

We're Never the Same

2010-03-30T19:29:00.005-04:00

I think I posted this before. But I was thinking again today...about this song...about the lyrics...

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us, Oh how He loves us."

We're never the same. Not with Christ. Nothing is impossible. Nothing. What seems hopeless and lifeless today will surprise us tomorrow, rising again with a new life that we never thought possible. The things we thought could never change...would never change...well, they change. Not because we found some magic formula, but because we have finally found the giver of life...the Creator who does ALL things well...who takes what is broken and dirty and ugly and creates some new and beautiful.

And even more than changing the circumstances....He changes us.

All we have to do is ask Him. All we have to do is trust. That He is a good God...who longs to love us, take apart what is broken and put us back together again...

The Way of Love

2010-03-28T22:48:00.007-04:00

I've been reminded of this passage from from 1 Corinthians all weekend. I'm holding it up and looking into it's mirror image and saying "Oh yeah, I forgot that. I have a long ways to go."

But I am also reminded that love is alive. Love calls us to grow and change...not because we're undeserving unless we do so...but simply because our lives are so much better, so much more full and joyful and at peace, in the light of it. When we allow love in, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable...we accept the fact that we're going to be uncomfortable at some point...we accept the fact that others are going to be imperfect around us...we forgive our own selves for being imperfect...we forgive others and love them right where they are in their journey. Love keeps the joy alive, the communication free, and the door open to the adventures that we are all so longing for.

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Kindness

2010-03-27T22:32:00.007-04:00

I remember kindness. I remember receiving more than I deserved. I remember being thankful and wishing I could give even just a little bit in return. I remember learning that my heart was worthwhile, that I had value. I remember feeling important and taken care of.

And, of course, it wasn't all roses. Of course, there were misunderstandings and annoyances. Of course, there were days of tears and sad goodbyes. But as I reflected today, on all the comings and the goings of my life, kindness was the word that kept running through my mind. From family and friends, from strangers, from those I walked with for awhile. I was given beautiful pictures all along the way of what it is like to love and to be loved. It remains as the desire of my heart. And although I'm not perfect at being kind, and I have to apologize more than I would like to admit, kindness is the thing I desire most...it calms the heart and brings out the best. It covers a multitude of grievances and failures. It brings about changes that once seemed so impossible.

It was a listening ear on a late night park bench in the middle of the 3rd world series game. It was a valentines dinner when "everything had to be perfect" but kept falling out of place. It was being told that I was not to feel guilty, ever, when a guy paid for dinner. It was being told that I was beautiful at random moments...at just the right moment. It was magic and dreaming. It was a scolding for not calling right away when I had returned home for the summer. It was the hug right after the first time I spoke in front of church. It was the prayers prayed for me. It was hauling furniture across the city or across the country for that matter. It was traveling 2 hours both ways every weekend just to take me out and spend time with me. It was the perfect gift. It was and still is a smile when I walk in the door. It's making dinner when I don't have the strength to even pour cereal. It's late night phone calls to help me drive home. It's word of assurance when I feel afraid. It's dancing in the middle of the room and singing in my ear. It's the twirl in the airport. It's the note I come home to after a long day. It's holding hands. It's hearing that someone believes in who I am...even after I've done everything wrong.

I don't hold onto the past or live in it, not at all. But tonight I am reminded and encouraged, that even though life has dealt a whole bunch of lemons...God's kindness has never failed. He has never failed to place people in my life to show me what life was really all about...what love really and truly feels like. It feels safe and secure, quiet and strong, jealous and unrelenting. It's a fire that will not be quenched...no matter how hard it rains.

Thank you seems so small in comparison to the way my life has been touched.

Today, as I hiked the loop around Radnor Lake I passed a woman in her 50's probably, with red hair and a kind face. She did not say hello to me, but she smiled. I imagined today that if God met me along that same path, He would probably smile at me just like she did. I passed her twice. And each time she smiled I felt the tears of relief...I was loved...I am loved...by a God who knows my name.

Life Should Be Lived

2010-02-26T07:08:00.004-05:00

I heard this on the radio yesterday morning. It echoes my thoughts today. Please take a moment to read this....

It's Time to Party

Mike Yaconelli

May-June 1989 The Door

Recently, my wife and I were having our devotions and reading our favorite devotional guide, Cosmopolitan. In it was another one of those mindless quizzes. (You know the ones: How Responsible Are You? How Sensual Are You? Do You Have ESP? Will Your Marriage Last?) One of the questions caught my eye. It said:

Which one would you prefer?

a) A wild, turbulent life filled with joy, sorrow, passion, and adventure -- intoxicating successes and stunning setbacks, or

b) A happy, secure, predictable life surrounded by many friends and family, without such wide swings of fortune and mood?

I thought the answer was obvious. Everyone, I thought, would choose the first option. I was shocked to discover that a good majority would choose the second option. And then it occurred to me: I have been working with adolescents for the past twenty-nine years. And, when I ask them to describe adults, one word always comes up -- borrrrring.

As I began to think about it, I realized that most adults I know are boring. They don't have fun anymore. Oh sure, get a few drinks under their belts and they act alive for awhile. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about being and acting alive all the time.

The truth is that games are wasted on the young. Little kids don't know how to play games. Remember when you were seven years old and you played hide and seek? You'd hide behind a telephone pole with half your body hanging out. No, hide and seek isn't for children. It's for people like you and me. Now that I am forty-six, I know how to hide. I'm a darn good hider.

I have suggested a game of hide and seek to many adult audiences and I am always amazed at the response. I see adults all throughout the group nudging each other, quietly discussing a great hiding place they just thought of, secretly planning a game with their children. It doesn't take much to make most of us realize that we have become too serious, too tense, too stressful. The result is that we have forgotten how to live life. It seems like the older we get, the more difficult it is for us to enjoy living. It reminds me of a description given by the Rabbi Edward Cohn:

"Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time, all your weekends, and what do you get in the end of it?. . . I think that the life cycle is all backward. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live twenty years in an old age home. You et kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. Yo go to college; you party until you're ready for high school; you go to grade school; you become a little kid; you play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb; you spend your last months floating; and you finish up as a gleam in somebody's eye."

It's hard to imagine we were a gleam in someone's eye once. What happened to the gleam in our eye? What happened to that joyful, crazy, spontaneous, fun-loving spirit we once had? That childlikeness in all of us gets snuffed out over the years.

A.W. Tozer once said, "This society has put out the light in men's souls." He had it right. The more pagan a society becomes, the more boring its people become. The sign that Jesus is in our hearts, the evidence of the truth of the Gospel is . . . we still have a light on in our souls. We still have a gleam in our eye. We are alive, never boring, always playful, exhibiting in our everydayness the "spunk" of the Spirit.

the light in our souls is not some pious somberness. It is the spontaneous, unpredictable love of life. Christians are not just people who live godly lives. We are people who know how to live period. Christians are not just examples of moral purity. We are also people filled with a bold mischievousness. Christians not only know how to practice piety. We also know how to party.

I believe it's time for the party to begin.

Home - Mornings with Brant

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Resource

2010-02-16T10:21:00.002-05:00

I just added a new link to my side bar entitled "Wednesdays with Beth". Beth Moore is a phenomenal Bible teacher. If you are needing 15 minutes of encouragement or insight deeper into God's word, check out this link. Beth Moore There are several topics to choose from. Beth speaks for about 15-20 minutes every Wednesday on a television broadcast called LIFE Today. You can fast forward through the first couple of minutes and listen in to just her teaching part.

No More Fear

2010-02-01T11:43:00.003-05:00

I didn't know that going through the fire was going to bring me freedom. I thought I was already free. I didn't know that I would be strengthened as I endured pain. I thought I was already strong. I didn't know that in the dying there would be a reawakening. I certainly didn't want to die. I didn't know, in the words of my friend Katie, that where I had placed a period, there should have been a comma.

In my own understanding...all was lost. In my own understanding...there was no hope. In my own understanding...it was someone else's fault. In my own understanding...there was nothing I could do or say to bring about any sort of change.

But there was this still, small voice all along the way. There was this presence of hope that spoke against my shattered circumstances, saying, "It was enough...it was real...I was there." I would hear it in the moments of quiet, the moments right after a good, long cry. And as I listened I began to question why then it would have gone away? Why then did everything go awry?

After awhile and after placing most of the blame on another party, I began to examine my own motives, my own heart, my own weaknesses. And I saw a girl...who was afraid. She was afraid to lose what had been given to her. She was afraid that it would all go away. She was afraid that she would run out of time. She was afraid that it would not be as beautiful as she had dreamed. And as I saw the fear...I saw the God who was trying to release her from its hold.

It wasn't the friendship that caused the fear. The fear was already there. Friendships had been lost before this. I had been left standing alone before. I had been afraid for a very long time. My experiences had built this secret stronghold inside...this propensity to hold tightly...not out of love and freedom and joy...but out of fear and insecurity and entitlement.

It took losing the thing I held so dearly....to free me from the fear of its loss.

On the outside, you might say, "Oh, poor girl, you have had your heart broken." And you might feel sorry for me...while all the while it looked as if I had good reason to be sorry. But, God, He is so much greater than the loss. He knew that I was afraid. He knew that the way things were was not how they should have been. So, He dismantled it...right before my very eyes...took every last piece and cleaned me out. He knew my sadness, my bitterness, my rage. He knew...because He had felt it all before too. He knew, and He let me walk through every bit of the experience. But not without holding my hand, not without telling me the truth, and not without planning something on the other side.

God doesn't stop writing the story. He has plans way ahead of where we would choose to stop and mourn what we have lost. He goes out and gathers new pieces. He cleans up and shines some of the old ones...He begins to put the pieces together again...one at a time...in just the right way.

This time, in small pictures and windows, He let me see what He was doing...He let me ask questions and talk to Him about it. He put me in circumstances where I found myself surrounded by clues that He was at work. It was as if He was saying, "Remember this piece? This is how it works. Remember when I gave you this? This is what I meant when I gave it to you." Before I knew it...I started getting my hopes up. Before I knew it, I started seeing the things I had been talking to Him about. Before I knew it, I was walking around....unafraid.

I was unafraid...because I had lost my own ability to hold on. The only thing holding me up was God's love. And just when I began to believe how loving God was...I began to trust...that His plans for my life were good...that He really was working in the midst of all my circumstances. I didn't have to hear it from anyone else anymore. I didn't have to question. I had heard it from Him. I didn't have to doubt that He was working...I had seen it for my very self.

And all along...I think that's what He meant to do.

I learned how to listen. I learned how to pray. I learned that I could trust Him. There were days when I wanted to rage and write and say everything I was feeling inside...and I would battle with the still, small voice saying, "Be still...and let me fight for you."....only to hear days and weeks later...that the cries of my heart were heard...and all was reconciled...and I never had to say one thing...I had only to pray and trust and wait.

There are things I only said to God...and just recently I have heard them returned by others and by circumstances around me. It leaves me speechless and in awe of the lesson that it is way better to know that God is answering...rather than to know that you have created a world for yourself...to hold and control in your own strength. I know now that when I am afraid or worried, I have this Friend I can run to...who I can tell everything to...and who I can trust to move mountains on my behalf.

I am thankful. Thankful to have been released from fear. Thankful to have learned how to pray. Thankful to know and trust God better. Thankful to have found family and friends and to appreciate them more on the other side. Thankful for love that has never stopped working in my life. Thankful for a fresh beginning...and all things new.

There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

Happiness

2010-01-30T00:52:00.001-05:00

Happiness
The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

Home, home, home

Hope Fulfilled

2010-01-29T11:04:00.003-05:00

Snow is currently covering the ground outside my window. There will be new layers throughout the day. I am so happy about my career...it gives me the freedom to enjoy such a blessed weather event. I got to sleep in this morning, play my guitar, read, talk to God, write to my family and friends. I am still acclimating to this peace...to the realization of answered prayers...to the sight and sound of all things new.

Just recently, someone said to me, "Do not doubt in the darkness what you have seen in the light". And now that I have walked through such darkness, trying desperately to cling to hope, it seems that the light is breaking through everywhere. Proverbs 13:12 ~Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Don't give up hope today...whoever you are...God is still writing your story.

Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

"Lord of the Rings"

More or Less

2010-01-23T01:06:00.003-05:00

I search for meaning in the midst of notes and lyrics. Personal meaning...some kind of connection, some kind of knowing, some kind of message that someone understands and that it's all going to be okay. In the midst of a great song...I know myself better, maybe I know God better, maybe I know someone else a little bit more. I know I'm not alone in this. So, as a writer, this leaves me feeling a great responsibility to also write my own material from a place of truth and depth. What can be better than to create a connection that will carry far beyond myself? What can be better than helping others to know something they didn't know before, or at least place their finger on something they couldn't quite find the words to.

But, if there is anything I have learned from living in Nashville for the past year, in relation to following "the dream", it is this: I don't want to perform in order to make a name for myself. I have no desire to allow the songs to dictate to me where I should show up on any given night in order to play so that I can be known...so that I can share more songs...so that I can gain some kind of meaning and significance of a life that looks way more spectacular than being a real live, down-to-earth person. I just want to play. I want it to be real. I want it to be an overflow of a heart that is truly alive and truly in relationship with the master Creator and songwriter.

I don't think I'm there yet. And the songs have grown quiet. Not because I want them to, but because I am not sure if they mean something. Are there new songs to sing? Is there a reason I have been given this gift, other than the reasons I have already seen? Where is the line between building my own kingdom and building for the God that I love so much? I don't want to live for myself...it seems so empty.

I am so thankful for the gift of song. I love the journey of words and the way it begins to blend with the melody. I love hearing a completed effort and feeling the joy of knowing that something beautiful came across the strings of my guitar...feeling that it had very little to do with me and very much to do with Him.

I love sharing this gift. I love singing a song for someone at just the right moment. I love sitting with a group of people and pouring out a lesson I have learned, guitar in hand, heart wide open. Some of the most beautiful moments have come in the quietest of places, with the most unlikely audiences, and with words and notes written long before the present, but just exactly for the moment that I find myself in.

When I began to play, way back in the day (haha), it was in times of complete wonder, complete acceptance, complete humility, complete reliance. I learned how to play by worshiping God. He is the reason I sing. He is the reason I pour out my heart in song. I don't ever want to forget this. I don't ever want to take it for granted. If I only played behind closed doors in my room for the rest of my life, it would be ok...as long as I knew that it was authentic and real. As long as I knew I wasn't selling out...wasn't trying to meet the expectations of people and places and myself for wanting to be known.

Just a lot of thoughts tonight. I'm on a journey...of song...and I have no idea what that means. Sometimes I am chasing it...sometimes I feel that it chases me. I am 30...I have written more than 20 songs at this point both finished and not...and I don't know what to do with them. I don't know where to take them. I have them, in my hands...along with papers that need to be graded, and relationships that need to be mended, and places I would very much like to go. And I am wondering...how it will all work out. Because I don't want to waste what I've been given...I don't want to come to the end and see that I could have done more or that I should have done less.

I will end with this quote that I read tonight in Beth Moore's study on the book of Daniel:

"The need for identity and a sense of significance is as human as our DNA. We begin this search in pursuit of ourselves only to arrive sorely disappointed. Cavernously empty. The honest sojourner cannot stop there no matter how high he's climbed or what position he's attained. If he does, he will forfeit his soul. In search of truth, he is driven beyond himself until all he finds is God. And in bowing down, he is lifted up...

Only in the reflecting pool of a poured-out life can a man finally see who he is."

And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? ~Luke 9:25

Subtle Lies

2010-01-14T21:15:00.008-05:00

It all started this morning on the way to work...well, no, maybe it was on facebook last night...but the real fuel came as I drove to work listening to three morning dj's arguing about Pat Robertson's comments. And I had to say something...hence, the 7:15 am blog below. And 30 minutes later the kids came into my classroom and I still felt agitated. This is the first time all week, I had felt fired up and heated...so it was noticeable to me. And I realized...I needed to calm down. But all I wanted to do was join in the argument, tell what I saw, tell people to stop arguing and come down off their high horses...and that's when I realized...

that I too had fallen prey to the enemy.

My peace was gone, I wanted to fight, wanted to prove my point...and I had gone from feeling compassion for the Haitian people to feeling the need to convince people to stop fighting and slandering.

And for the rest of the day I have had to find my way back to hearing the Lord. And so, somehow, I am going to try to convey what I feel is on my heart tonight, and I hope you will hear it and it will somehow make sense.

The way of the enemy is to take a little bit of the truth and turn it into a lie. It's how all rumors begin. It's how small misunderstandings grow into large separations. It happened in the Garden of Eden when the serpent tricked Eve and it is happening through the present day. Imagine a lie...wrapped beautifully in a truth that might seem so good and easy to swallow...and then opened by an unsuspecting person caught off guard...when the fallout happens, who gets blamed?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are there wars? Why are there natural disasters? Why are innocent people hurt at the hands of murderers and rapists? Why doesn't God stop them? Why doesn't He protect them from ever getting into that situation?

I submit to you this: we all have a choice.

We have a choice because there is a God who wants our love...not our blind and forced submission. Hence 2 trees in the Garden of Eden...a choice of life or death. Hence, a God who longs for a relationship with people, but who will not force it upon them. And this freedom, of choice, has given men and women everywhere free reign to do whatever they please, whenever the please. This Earth is quite a mess isn't it? But in the midst of it all, there is a God who is working to save and redeem as many people as He can. There is a God who is working to rescue the hearts of those who will choose to believe Him.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. ~2 Peter 3:9

I admit to the fact that I and so many Christians, who have not known how to answer, who have lacked any kind of tact, who have bought into some kind of lie, and/or who have not known the true love of God and are walking in legalism and fear...have given answers that are less than perfect. But I also know this:

We have an enemy. There is a real Satan. There is a real hell. Did you know he used to live in Heaven? Did you know that he would love nothing more than to keep you and I from getting there? And so what will he do to keep us from getting there? Anything...and that includes causing us to doubt that God is loving, and kind, and good. That includes dividing friends, family, and strangers in accusation and misunderstanding as we try desperately to define God to each other.

And....

God is not waiting around to punish people. He is not waiting to use His hammer on people who don't follow Him. He created the world...He created us...He LOVES us. Why in the world would He want to curse us...destroy us...tear our lives apart because we didn't choose Him?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~John 3:16

Let me reiterate:

Because God is good and perfect, He cannot allow sin in His presence.
Sin can be defined as anything that brings death to our lives, to our hearts, to the lives of others...anything that destroys love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22-25
If God allowed sin, it would be like saying that all the bad things that happen are no big deal. And is that true? NO WAY! Of course they're a big deal...why do we cry out from the depths of our hearts and say, "Why, God, why?!" Why are we so dissatisfied with the things that are broken? Because it wasn't meant to be this way.
God hates sins because it destroys us...and God wants us to LIVE! So He sent us a way out of death. He gave us a way not to die. He gave us a ticket out of hell. The ticket's name is Jesus. And Jesus, through His death and resurrection, destroyed the power of sin.

So, here comes Pat Robertson, telling us that in the recorded history of Haiti they made a pact with Satan in order to win a battle, and that since then, they have lived under a curse which has caused great poverty for the nation.

I have talked to people who have visited Haiti...voodoo and witchcraft are rampant in this nation. You can feel the darkness as you walk the streets...literally hear the voodoo chants in the middle of the night. Poverty has been highly visible for years and years. I listened to an interview with one of Haiti's ambassadors today...he said, "well, any pact that has been made between Haiti and the devil also affects America..because America received land out of this as well." He did not deny it.

And so here is what people think Pat Robertson is saying....that GOD has put a curse on Haiti because of their sin. But that IS NOT what he said. See the lie? Do you see it? Do you see how subtle? Everyone is going around saying, "Oh, he's saying God has cursed them? How awful! How indignant! How self-righteous!" And he did not say that at all.

He said, and please forgive me for the paraphrase here, but he said that they agreed to put themselves into the hands of the devil in order to win a battle with the French. Whoah...who in their right minds would do such a thing, right? How could this even be true? But, what if it is true? Because WHO is our enemy? Who wants to take us out? Who wants to destroy our lives? Who causes poverty and ruin? The very being and power that the historical reports are claiming they handed their lives over to. Was it these exact people who have felt the devastation of the earthquake? No, probably not. But hear me out. There is a very real spiritual world at work that we do not see with our eyes. There are dark, spiritual strongholds over nations that need to be broken. There are people still in bondage, messing with voodoo and witchcraft, playing with the dark forces. They are paying the price, and these people need to be freed. They need our prayers! They need us to stop parading around in our so-called "love" clothing...recognize that the enemy is destroying lives, get down in the dirt on our knees and pray prayers that bring healing and restoration! We need to pray from a perspective of truth.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

And yes, we need to clothe the naked. Yes, we need to feed the hungry. We need to rebuild the broken walls. ( Isaiah 58 ) And at the same time, we need to pray...with fervor, in spirit and in truth, with the knowledge that our war is NOT against flesh and blood, but against dark spiritual forces who are working to take us out.

God DID NOT curse Haiti. And neither did Pat Robertson. He may not have all the tact in the world, but he certainly is acting out of compassion by sending millions of dollars worth of relief aid and probably praying more than you or I have even begun to. That being said, God wants to redeem the people of this country out of love for them. He wants to rescue them from the hands of the enemy that they have put themselves into. There is a war going on for them. (And by the way this can be said for every person in the world.) And just walking around saying that we Christians have enough "love" in and of ourselves by sending a $25 donation and a few water bottles is lopsided and unbalanced. We must be aware of what is really going on. We must also speak the truth in love (Colossians 1:6); the truth being that God loves them and wants to heal them and set them free so that they can really live. And of course, with tact, and of course with gentleness, and of course with the leading of the Spirit. We must fight for them both with our prayers and with our hands.

Satan wants us to blame God for the curses and the bad things that happen...he wants us to question each other's motives with pointing fingers and misguided accusations. He wants to takes our eyes off of what is really going on...he wants to destroy us.

God, help us to know your love, help us to walk in your truth...so that we can live...and lead others to find life as well.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~Ephesians 3:14-19

Pat Robertson's Comments on Haiti

2010-01-14T08:32:00.000-05:00

Alright, I've heard about enough. It disappoints me greatly when Christians are basing their personal opinions on the media...the same media that chooses to slander the Christian religion as much as possible. Instead of slandering each other, let's get a little understanding. All people are going to do is say, "See, they're at it again...hating each other, causing misunderstandings, etc."

Haiti is in crisis. Let's remember that today and do something about it.

There is a very real spiritual world at work around us.

There is a devil who seeks to control and devastate our lives. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy every good thing that God longs for us to have.

There is a God who LOVES His creation and wants to redeem it.

Let's be people of redemption and stop allowing the media to control which way we are pointing our fingers. You know that's satan's strategy right? Divide and conquer? If he can get us to keep fighting with each other, then we won't turn to look and see that satan himself is the REAL enemy.

Get some understanding this morning, before getting angry. Click on the link below to read what's really going on.
Statement Regarding Pat Robertson's Comments on Haiti

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was'

2010-01-11T23:19:00.004-05:00

My good friend, who happens to work right next door to me, has given me a resource this week that has brought me so much encouragement. When the battle in our minds is raging, when life seems so overwhelming, when our whole being seems to be crying out for answers and peace, it is time to surround ourselves with God's words of truth and life. I pulled out my sketchbook tonight (I have had a picture in my mind for the past two days; begging to be placed on paper) and watched a four-part series called: The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was' by Beth Moore. You can find many of her series at the link I posted...but the thing that moved me to tears tonight was Part 4. I pray that you will be as encouraged as I was. God is working...always.

This is only about a 10-15 minute clip. Fast forward about a centimeter and Beth Moore will begin speaking.

The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was'

To Love or Not to Love

2010-01-10T21:04:00.009-05:00

So Journey, the church I have been attending, just began a new course called "The Story Arc". For the next 10 weeks we will engage in a dialogue on Sunday nights about the Bible as it unfolds. The great part about this is that anyone, at any time, is asked to speak out a question or an observation about the text. We're not allowed to veer outside of the story and debate other theological issues or how they would relate. We can only comment on what the story tells us. So tonight, a room full of about 150 people joined with Pastor Jamie and talked about Adam and Eve and the story of creation and what this story tells us about who God is, and who we are.

And although I have heard this story since childhood, there were many things that stuck out to me...a lot of questions I had never thought of before. And we weren't allowed to take notes! It was only for talking and listening tonight. haha So, that is a very freeing thing, but I wanted to come home and write down a few things that I heard that were important to me...leading to maybe one very important thing.

God is good, and perfect, and right. Everything He does is good and perfect and right. He has created the world and everything in it...and He has called it "very good".

God created the angels, before creating the world. One of the angels rebelled (Satan) which lead to the rebellion of many of the angels. And because God is good and perfect, and He cannot allow sin in his presence (rebellion is sin), those angels who rebelled were cast into darkness.

Then, God created the earth and he made man, "Adam", in his image...he breathed life into Adam, and gave him the job of caring for the Garden and naming the animals. And in the midst of this, God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone, but all through the garden, there was no creature compatible with Adam. So He created Eve to be Adam's helper. God knew what loneliness was. Hmm. He created relationship so that loneliness would not occur. Eve was created to be a helper suitable to Adam...God brought her to him. Then, God told them to be fruitful and multiply (ahem..we know what that means.)

And then, God walked with Adam and Eve...in the cool of the day...and talked with them. We speculated tonight about how casual that seemed...how very much like a relationship it was. God enjoyed talking with Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve enjoyed their time with Him.

God placed two trees in the center of the Garden. One was the tree of life. The other, a tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He told them they could eat of anything in the Garden...except for the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil". Eating of it, would lead to death. God gave them a choice. Hmmm. He let them decide.

And as we all know, the serpent came and talked Eve into trying the fruit. He mixed truth with his cunning speech...saying, "surely, you will not die...God knows that if you eat of this you will be like Him...knowing about good and evil". So...she ate it. She chose the words of the serpent...over the words of God. She had let the serpent convince her that God was holding out on her, that He was keeping something from her, that she should find a way to know what only God knew. And that caused me to ask the question...how many times have I ignored what God asked me to do...in order to do something I thought would be a "wise" choice...in order to find my own way? Hmm.

And then, the best part is this...God, knowing full well what they had done, came to find them. Instantly, after eating the apple, both Adam and Eve had been filled with shame at being naked and fear of being found by God...they were hiding when God came near. But instead of accusation, God asked, "Where are you?" And as they emerged from hiding, they told him that they were ashamed. When he asked them what had happened, they blamed each other...they blamed the serpent. So God, being good and perfect and right, God the keeper of His promises...had to stand on His word. Sin, "rebellion", could not stay in His presence. They had chosen not to believe Him. They had chosen their own way...so, their consequence was death. Death to life as they knew it...death to all they had known about their relationship with God...and eventually, physical death.

But God did not stop there. He made them clothes out of animal skins. And that means...that there was a sacrifice that was made...the sacrifice of an innocent animal. Blood was shed. Hmmm. And God covered their shame. Literally, He gave Adam and Eve clothes to cover their nakedness. He still loved them. He still cared for them. Yes, He had to be true to His word, the consequences were evident and real, but He still loved them...and still desired to have a relationship with them. God was still writing the story.

We all know that later, Jesus entered the world, to redeem all that was lost...we didn't talk about that tonight. We talked about the beginning. We talked about the fall. And here is the thing. God didn't spoon feed Adam and Eve. He didn't tell them what they had done wrong...he asked, "Where are you?" and "What did you do?" They had to come to their own realization.

God didn't want to dictate to Adam and Eve about how to love Him. He loved them fully and wholeheartedly, and I think very much wanted their love in return. But He gave them a choice. Life or death. Belief: that God was enough, or unbelief: that somehow God was holding out on them. God gave them a choice.

Because without choice, love is not love at all. And that, is the essence of the gospel, isn't it?

On a very personal level, I feel this lesson tonight.
If there is anything I can cling to, it is that God understands my longing.
God understands my desire.
He knows how it feels to leave the choice of love in someone else's hands.
Because as much as Adam and Eve had enjoyed walking with God in the cool of the day,
their ultimate love and devotion would be shown through choosing Him.
Their lack of choice, separated them from the love and protection of their loving Creator.
As my eyes are opening...I am understanding how His heart must have felt on that day.
And because the story has continued,
I am beginning to understand
how deep His longing must still be for me and for those around me...
to believe Him, to believe that He is enough, to walk with Him in the cool of the day,
to know Him for who He really is,
and to love Him without walking away.
I am beginning to understand,
the importance of the choices that I make.
the importance of choosing love over knowledge.
I am beginning to understand
that He is still redeeming my story...
because I am written into His.

Choose Your Words

2010-01-08T13:56:00.014-05:00

Have you ever been on the receiving end of careless words? You know, the words that just can't be true, the words that had never crossed your own mind, the words that cut straight to your heart, making you want to plead with their giver to see things another way? Maybe they were words about you. Words that stripped away your worth. Words that held you captive. Words that confined you to hurtful secrets and painful memories. Words that were strong. Words that came from someone you trusted, someone you loved. And maybe they were strong enough to make you think about them twice. Maybe they were convincing enough to hold in your heart and you began to ask questions like "why?" and "how?" and "now what?".

Have you ever held onto those words long enough that you actually began to believe them? Maybe not, maybe you're one of the smart ones, one of the strong few who is able to follow the age old saying of rubber and glue and never let a negative word affect who you are. Maybe you are able to see the lie straight away and never worry about what others think. But maybe, you are the opposite. Maybe everything anyone has ever suggested or thrown your way has somehow marred you, shaped you, tossed you in a different direction, caused you to wear your heart on your sleeve. Maybe words have been a very powerful part of your life. Maybe you are still hurting and you are still unsure of who you truly are.

I think there are still some of us, who have picked up undetected words. Sure, we have been wise enough to recognize blatant slander and throw it out with the morning trash. We have been careful to stay away from those who would hurt us outright. We have been seasoned and changed enough to forgive a wrong committed against us. And while we are honest about how we feel and love and dream, we certainly do not wear our hearts on our sleeves. But what about the surprises? What about the disappointments? What about the interruptions, when we find ourselves pouring out our hearts in mid-sentence, and the someone we trusted, suddenly walks away, telling us we are not worthwhile, or lovely enough, or fill in the blank? What about the times when we asked for forgiveness and received judgment? What about the times we have asked for a second chance and told that we were undeserving? What about the times when we have loved and have received empty words and promises in return? What about the flippant statements our friends and loved ones jokingly use...about our hair, our clothing, our choices, our stature, our lot in life? Oh, it's just a joke right? We can laugh about it can't we? But do you? When you are looking yourself straight in the mirror, straight in the heart, straight in the way you are looking at your life...are those words shaping you, are they telling you who you are?

And suppose your answer yes. What have they done to you? What have those words told you about your life? Have they told you that you are not enough? Have they told you not to expect very much? Have they told you that even if you did deserve anything you might as well give it away to show that you don't need anything, don't want anything...at least you won't get hurt...at least you'll look better...and then maybe, better words will come your way. People will start saying, "Hey, that person is pretty cool". They will start liking you, inviting you places, being your friend. Pretty soon, you find yourself working to be surrounded by good words, going out of your way to look good, look humble, look nice, say all the right things, do all the right things, perform, perform, perform some more...so that...people won't see the other words. They won't see your fear of not measuring up, your fear of not being the best looking guy or girl, with the best hair and the best clothes, having the most accomplishments and best experiences. They won't see that all this time you have been running to save them and help them and care for them, you have only been after one thing...words...words to tell you that you are worth something.

But suppose you had a friend, who gave you honest words? Of course, friends can still fail you...but this friend knows that and is very up front on this matter as well as does their best to apologize right away. But suppose you had a friend who saw past all the walls you had placed around you. Suppose your friend saw your fears and said, "I love you," anyways. What would you do then? Because your fear is still there. The words are still there. The words would tell you that you didn't need such a friend. The words would tell you that you are doomed to be the worthless person you've always felt yourself to be...at least...always, since the words were given to you so long, or not so long, ago. The words would tell you that you couldn't be that kind of friend back...not really. You wouldn't ever be enough for them would you? They might as well not expect very much of you, might as well never hope that you could love with the same freedom that this friend has been offering to you. They should probably look for a different friend. You would probably be better off on your own...or maybe with someone who didn't expect you to stop believing in your words. So, given the chance, what would you do? Who would you choose? The friend or the words? And let's call those words "fear". Because by now, you are afraid, that all of those words said about you, that you began to say about yourself, that something kept whispering in your ear....are the fears you are now fighting...the fears that keep you up at night...keep you running...keep you from who you know, that you know, that you know, that you know, you want to be deep down inside.

And deep down inside, that person, is so worthwhile. You are worthwhile. If you never picked up another tool to do your work, if you never said another word, if you rolled out bed and didn't do you hair or shave another day in your life. YOU ARE loved. You are worth loving. That's all you need to know. You were created by a God who calls himself "Love". An early mystic once wrote that we were born out of the laughter of the trinity. If you knew your worth, you wouldn't be going around looking for it anymore, trying to fit in somewhere, trying to make your way. You would only believe and rest...kind of like a child who never thinks twice about jumping into his grandparents arms and asking what gifts they have brought from their trip, like a little girl who comfortably sits in her daddy's arms and listens to a story. You would begin to forget the careless words, so carelessly thrown into your hands. You would begin to believe that you belong to a God who makes all things new, who sacrificed His own life just to be with you, who longs to be gracious to you, show you His kindness and provide for you.

I hope that you choose a friend who speaks in an honest language. I hope that you do not try fighting your fear, "the words", alone. A friend will pick up the phone thousands of miles away and cry with you when you don't have the strength to drive home. A friend will hug you every day just to make sure that you are okay. A friend will tell you that you are not too much bear, that you are worth every moment, every effort, and every penny of fighting for. A friend will pick back up where you left off, redeeming any time that was lost. A friend will be honest and tell you the truth, even when it hurts. A friend will fight for you and not give up until the battle is won. A friend will speak life when everything around you seems hopeless and confused. A friend will sit with you quietly when there are no words left to say. A friend rejoices when you have good news. A friend will stand alongside of you to see your dreams come true. A friend will still love you when you choose to walk away. A friend, who is born out God's love, will give you new words to believe in. And even if they do not know all the answers, hopefully they know "The Answer"...and His words make all the difference.

So choose your words. Choose whom you will believe. The fear or the friend? Because even the wounds of a friend are faithful, they are born of love, and hope, and faith. But the wounds of fear will separate and destroy what you have loved...keeping you in disillusion, and telling you that what you loved, that who you are, was never worth anything anyways. And if you are a child of God, deep down inside, you know....that you were meant for more than this captivity to your fear.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Pursuing Justice

2010-01-05T19:51:00.003-05:00

"When the broken ask you to dance, you dance."
~Rob Morris, Love146

I am becoming more and more aware of human trafficking as I think we all are these days...if we are paying any sort of attention to the world around us. And tonight, I discovered this organization: Love146. The more I know, the more I want to take part in pursuing justice. If you want to learn more, read this: Modern Day Slavery.

Stories From the Field from LOVE146 on Vimeo.

Love That Brings You Home

2010-01-05T17:41:00.004-05:00

So I'm standing there in the middle of teaching my students...going over answers to a science quiz...talking about which resources two trees are competing for...and it hit me...a picture...laughing together, cooking dinner in the kitchen, a back porch swing. It was totally unrelated to the subject matter, but enough to make me stop and pay attention. And then later this afternoon, I'm just walking down the hall after making copies for my class and all of sudden I'm surprised at my own thinking about how alive, and wanted, and at home...I still feel. And for a little while, my heart was excited, excited about going home tonight...about turning out the lights of my classroom, beating the rush hour traffic, about laughing and dancing and snuggling in close. It always meant the world to me, and it still does now.

If you have a home, and you're walking into the arms of someone you love tonight; if you have a warm dinner planned...be thankful. Forgive each other. Read between the lines. Find a way to make their hearts come alive. And rediscover what truly brought you there in the first place...rediscover why this person, why this place, drew you in and made you come alive. Many of us have forgotten, too many of us are walking away, as if we are unaware that we have been loved by a God who has never given up on us. I've heard too many disheartening stories lately. It takes courage to believe that love is more than a feeling, to believe that love can be reborn. It takes two...to believe again, to hope for more, to trust that God can make all things new. If you're out there tonight, stuck between starting again and walking away for good, and you're wondering what to do, and you're afraid...come home...home is waiting for you...to tell you that everything is going to be okay. It's never too late to start again...it's never too late to ask God for a second chance. It's never too late to walk in the door...and find what you've been out there looking for all along.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13

History in the Making...

2010-01-02T02:37:00.002-05:00

I found this on a friend's blog tonight. Thought it would be good to share.

Thoughts and Resolutions

2010-01-01T02:35:00.008-05:00

"I said to the man at the gate of the year,
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
And he replied,
'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.' "
-M.L. Haskins

I would have to say that this is probably one of the best New Year's Eve experiences I have had in awhile. I was not alone, rather surrounded by family and by friends. I was not out trying to prove that I could be at the coolest party, or trying to dress up only to feel empty upon my return home. I was not affected by a touch of alcohol or any other substance. I was not crying or upset or experiencing any other dramatic feeling. Tonight was just simple and quiet and comforting. The hours flew by as I visited with friends and before I knew it, we were counting down with Dick Clark on television. And then we hugged and kissed each other as friends and family do, wishing everyone a Happy New Year. And I was okay. There, it only took 30 years to realize what's important on a night like tonight...simplicity, relationships, and thankfulness.

On the way home, I stopped for gas, knowing I had 40 minutes of driving and about 30 minutes until my gas light came on...not a good night for getting stranded. So, of course, I'm standing there pumping gas, when some guy walks up to me. Mind you, I just watched "Taken" 3 nights ago. Something about a strange guy acting all friendly asking why I'm out on my own kind of put me on guard. But I grew up in NY...I know how to act tough. So that's what I do...limited but purposed eye contact, brief statements, no extra information offered. He offered his hand and told me his name. We exchanged a few words and then he mentioned he didn't want to make things awkward. As he turned to leave, I reached out to shake his hand...and although I had said "Happy New Year" to all of my friends and family already tonight...saying so to this guy felt more significant...like I was offering a blessing to a stranger. I cried on the way home about it, I don't know why; and then I prayed for him. Because all I could think about was the fact that I had to be on the defense, but what I really wanted was to share the love of Christ with him. I could see the searching in his eyes. I want to find a way to reach more people like that ...and answer the unspoken questions they are asking.

As I held a brand new little one in my lap tonight and talked to his mom, she asked me how I was. I had to tell her that I don't even know how to wrap up this past year. I have hundreds of pictures but I cannot even create one Facebook picture collage. I had amazing experiences traveling, loving, learning and I really cannot hold on to very many of the memories. They are attached to something that has ceased to exist, and I feel as if I am not allowed to even rejoice in the fact that these experiences were mine to have. Everything I have built upon, made room for, and invested in seems to have either disappeared or fallen apart. Yay, Happy New Year right? (insert smile connotating a hint of sarcasm)

In a devotional I read today I was reminded that talking about the disappointments for too long would lead nowhere, but talking about God's goodness and faithfulness would begin to create an atmosphere of expectancy, an atmosphere where it possible to overcome what we are going through. So, while I do not deny the pain and questions I have been facing, I also cannot deny the love that has been revealed through all of this. I have an amazing support team...unconditional love coming from family and friends...many of whom have sacrificed time just to talk or to pray. I have a God who is chasing after me, telling me about the beauty He has created, whispering to me about the fact that He wants to bless my heart and make me come alive. We are never truly alone. And for this I am so thankful.

Before I left my parents tonight I played some songs for them...satisfying their requests was long overdue...and I could not end the year in silence. As I played, I remembered the reason that I sing... "On the other side, of these hopes that I have carried, on the other side, in the shadow of the cross, on the other side, of a broken heart and spirit, on the other side, I find You..." On the other side of 2009 may we all find that we are loved by a God who is chasing after our hearts and waiting to show us even more.

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:26:00.007-05:00

I did not venture out to Christmas mass tonight. I usually love the beauty of such a service on Christmas Eve night. Instead, I found the Pope on television. Did you know that he has to walk the distance of 1 1/2 football fields just to get to the place where he will deliver the Liturgy? He sits in a chair and very calmly speaks his message, appearing almost as if his message would be dry and boring and hard to understand, but the words are powerful and beautiful. The Liturgy tonight was exactly about what I was thinking...exactly what I wanted to blog...so...I will leave this particular message up to Pope Benedict. I have posted some excerpts, but the entirety of it can be found at the link below. If you take a moment to read, I assure you that you will not be disappointed. Christmas Message 2009

Highlights from the message:

"The first thing we are told about the shepherds is that they were on the watch they could hear the message precisely because they were awake. We must be awake, so that we can hear the message. We must become truly vigilant people. What does this mean?

The principal difference between someone dreaming and someone awake is that the dreamer is in a world of his own. His "self" is locked into this dreamworld that is his alone and does not connect him with others. To wake up means to leave that private world of one's own and to enter the common reality, the truth that alone can unite all people.

Conflict and lack of reconciliation in the world stem from the fact that we are locked into our own interests and opinions, into our own little private world. Selfishness, both individual and collective, makes us prisoners of our interests and our desires that stand against the truth and separate us from one another. Awake, the Gospel tells us. Step outside, so as to enter the great communal truth, the communion of the one God. To awake, then, means to develop a receptivity for God: for the silent promptings with which he chooses to guide us; for the many indications of his presence."

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"God is important, by far the most important thing in our lives. The shepherds teach us this priority. From them we should learn not to be crushed by all the pressing matters in our daily lives. From them we should learn the inner freedom to put other tasks in second place however important they may be so as to make our way towards God, to allow him into our lives and into our time. Time given to God and, in his name, to our neighbour is never time lost. It is the time when we are most tr uly alive, when we live our humanity to the full."

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"Some commentators point out that the shepherds, the simple souls, were the first to come to Jesus in the manger and to encounter the Redeemer of the world. The wise men from the East, representing those with social standing and fame, arrived much later. The commentators go on to say: this is quite natural. The shepherds lived nearby. They only needed to "come over" (cf. Lk 2:15), as we do when we go to visit our neighbours.

The wise men, however, lived far away. They had to undertake a long and arduous journey in order to arrive in Bethlehem. And they needed guidance and direction. Today too there are simple and lowly souls who live very close to the Lord. They are, so to speak, his neighbours and they can easily go to see him.

But most of us in the world today live far from Jesus Christ, the incarnate God who came to dwell amongst us.

We live our lives by philosophies, amid worldly affairs and occupations that totally absorb us and are a great distance from the manger. In all kinds of ways, God has to prod us and reach out to us again and again, so that we can manage to escape from the muddle of our thoughts and activities and discover the way that leads to him.

But a path exists for all of us.

The Lord provides everyone with tailor-made signals. He calls each one of us, so that we too can say: "Come on, 'let us go over' to Bethlehem to the God who has come to meet us."

Yes indeed, God has set out towards us. Left to ourselves we could not reach him. The path is too much for our strength. But God has come down. He comes towards us. He has travelled the longer part of the journey. Now he invites us: come and see how much I love you. Come and see that I am here."

-----------------------------------------------------

"God's sign is his humility.

God's sign is that he makes himself small; he becomes a child; he lets us touch him and he asks for our love.

How we would prefer a different sign, an imposing, irresistible sign of God's power and greatness! But his sign summons us to faith and love, and thus it gives us hope: this is what God is like.

He has power, he is Goodness itself. He invites us to become like him.

Yes indeed, we become like God if we allow ourselves to be shaped by this sign; if we ourselves learn humility and hence true greatness; if we renounce violence and use only the weapons of truth and love."

---------------------------------------------

"Origen, taking up one of John the Baptist's sayings, saw the essence of paganism expressed in the symbol of stones: paganism is a lack of feeling, it means a heart of stone that is incapable of loving and perceiving God's love. Origen says of the pagans: "Lacking feeling and reason, they are transformed into stones and wood" (in Lk 22:9).

Christ, though, wishes to give us a heart of flesh. When we see him, the God who became a child, our hearts are opened. In the Liturgy of the holy night, God comes to us as man, so that we might become truly human. Let us listen once again to Origen: "Indeed, what use would it be to you that Christ once came in the flesh if he did not enter your soul? Let us pray that he may come to us each day, that we may be able to say: I live, yet it is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20)" (in Lk 22:3).

Yes indeed, that is what we should pray for on this Holy Night. Lord Jesus Christ, born in Bethlehem, come to us! Enter within me, within my soul. Transform me. Renew me. Change me, change us all from stone and wood into living people, in whom your love is made present and the world is transformed. Amen."

Amazing Grace

2009-12-23T22:59:00.005-05:00

This is Monti and I with his band a few weeks ago. We played at The Rutledge for a fundraiser that benefited kids with cancer. Ginny Owens was the headliner. I was so thankful that Monti asked me to play this song. Every time I sing it, I feel as if I am singing my own testimony. Here is a link to the entire set: Monti & Friends

This is Monti's song.."I Am Nothing"..you will love it.

A Place To Rest My Head

2009-12-23T00:16:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking about home for the past week or so...thinking about where home is found...thinking about who and what truly defines being home. I've been thinking about my friends, my acquaintances, my family, myself.

Some of us are physically living in a brand new house this December, living in between newly built walls and fresh paint. Some of us are hearing the cries of newborn babies we never expected only one year ago. A few of us have found love and have decided to make it official, and it's fresh and new and perfectly what and who we had been hoping for. A great many of us have found community this year. We have found a sincere friend or two, a vision to run after, a support system, common ground, and the realization that we are not alone.

Then, there are some of us are coming home tonight with one less person to hold onto. Some of us have lost our best friends. Some of us have lost the belief that home will ever be found. Others have moved to another state or country...far away from the familiar soil and communities that bring them comfort and the actual feeling of belonging. They may have chosen the move. They may not have. Some of us miss the places we have come from. Some of us are still running as far as we can without wanting to look back.

Some have found the release of forgiveness this year. Some have found the place and the courage to begin building again. Some of us have looked and found beauty among the ashes. Some have found God for the first time. Some of us have found truth after so many years of confusion and lies. Some are truly free. Some have hope.

Some will sleep tonight on a park bench, in a tent, or at a rescue mission. Some will sleep in houses that have yet to see the fulfillment of the dreams that were born in them. Others will sleep and take for granted the walls and blessings that surround them.

But every one of us will say..."I'm going home." And where will home be?

Tonight, I sit quietly in Florida, beside a Christmas tree, down the hall from where my parents sleep. And I never meant to call Florida home. It was the last place I ever expected to be. I was born in small town New York, running on the land where my grandfather played, later taking on the streets of a city I never wanted to move to, but then grew to love. And after many moves all over the state and all through my childhood, my Heavenly Father began to call to my heart and beckon me, on my own, to cities, towns, homes, and people I never would have imagined. I never wanted to leave the places and the people that I left behind. I never wanted to forget or be forgotten. Sometimes I was afraid. Sometimes I would drag my feet. Sometimes I ran back to where I came from only to find it was never the same. Sometimes I felt very, very alone. But when all was said and done how could I not move forward? How could I not continue with the storyline of this great adventure that was being written for me and in me?

Tonight, I am remembering that although I sit in this living room alone, it will not be forever. I will not feel alone forever. After highschool, when the door had shut to go to college in the mountains of North Carolina, I prayed, and said, "God, if you're going to keep me here in NY, I need friends, good friends, friends that will lead me to you." And He has never stopped answering that prayer. Wherever I have gone, He has given me friends. And He has done a work in my family. He has brought us closer together. And although we all live miles away from each other, God is working in us, bringing us more and more freedom to love each other well. Tonight, I am remembering that my home is in Him. He is here, in this room, in this house, in this family. But He is there, in my future, in the places I will live, in the people whose paths I will cross. Christ has given me a home and it is the hope I will carry. I have to trust that He will be enough and will bring me to the places and the people where I can truly say, "God saw my need and He gave me a place to rest my head."

It does not matter where home has been in the past. It does not matter what it looks like now. What matters is that in Christ, I always have a home...and with Him I will never be without comfort. I am so thankful that He has given me a family and friends to hold me through this season.

Nora

2009-12-19T12:27:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was met with the news that a friend had passed. I remember her sweet, sweet spirit. I remember the season when I knew her most. It was a season of God showing himself in such a genuine way to a very thankful group of friends. It was a season when we all knew love a little bit better. I've been gone for quite awhile and haven't seen her for longer. But I remember her. And I still have dear friends who knew her more. Their hearts are broken this weekend and shocked at such a sudden loss. God is with us. He is still with us, holding us, holding her. She's dancing with Jesus this morning. She's laughing and enjoying the best foods of the Kingdom. She's at home...a place that we should all be longing for...a place that hopefully we will all find ourselves one day.

Lay down softly in our sorrow
Lay down sister to die
And cover over, my sweet Father
Cover over her eyes

Your broken body, it cannot weather
The years your youth still longs to spend
So go down graceful, sleep with the angels
And wake up whole again

‘Cause it was not your time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took your life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

Slower passing are the hours
To tell this tale that takes its time
But the finest moment, no man can measure
Is to look your Savior in the eyes

So take her tender to Your table
Take her from this killing floor
To taste the water that is forever
Let her be thirsty no more

It was not her time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took her life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

And the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, Rita, lay down

Penguins

2009-12-16T21:27:00.005-05:00

At the very beginning of this year, my class and I read about penguins. We read about their characteristics, their relationships, the environment they live in. And for some reason, we have continued to talk about penguins throughout the year.

I was struck by the way that penguins must huddle together in the severest of cold in order to survive. Standing or walking alone would bring certain death. They need one another.

And so, one day, in the midst of the classroom chaos I began to lecture my kids on the importance of working together...and I began to talk about the penguins...by the time I was finished...we were like the penguins and we needed to huddle together.

Every so often, we talk about our need to huddle...to get the job done, to support one another. But it's not a daily thing...and not something I would think my kids would think about upon leaving school.

Today was full of beautiful moments. We sat on the carpet so excited to give each other gifts. I don't usually get a whole lot of gifts from my students but this year is different. This year, quite a few came in with beautifully wrapped gifts saying, "Can you open it now?!" To which I surprisingly responded that we would wait until the party (because usually I cannot wait very long to open any gift).

So, there we were...sitting together in a circle. And I had to tell them finally why their teacher had not answered their pointed questions in the past few weeks. Why I might have seemed sad. They sympathized..asked questions. I smoothed it all over, giving them assurance that not all hope was lost. And then, I handed them each a pair of new gloves stuffed with a candy canes, Christmas pencils, and fun erasers. They loved them. I told them that the point of the gloves was to remind them, over the holidays, that when they felt alone or sad or when things got particularly hard, they were not alone, they had a hand to hold. It's our new saying, "You are not alone". We are learning to encourage each other. So, with gloves on each hand and excited little bodies that could hardly contain themselves, I got to enjoy the gifts that each child had picked out for me. A new mug to drink my hot tea (I so totally needed one), a few cards which I of course read out loud for the class to hear, lotion, a candle holder, and a cupcake mix with all the ingredients and tools put together (so cute). Each opened gift was followed by a hug and a thank you and several comments by the class. It was like a little family enjoying Christmas day together. Several more cards were passed out to the rest of the class. Several more moments of enjoying each other's company.

And this is the gift that brought tears to my eyes and let me know that this year, the penguins are not just penguins, they are an example of how to survive and weather the storm. My students are listening. God is listening. and maybe, just maybe...I have been listening too.

Good News

2009-12-13T00:58:00.002-05:00

I found my boots today! And of all the places...it was in the exact spot where I searched frantically several times earlier this week as I was trying to rush out the door. It made my day and after the long, and melancholy post of yesterday I thought I should update with some good news. At least one thing was found...there, there...that didn't take long.

In other news, my apartment is cleaner now than it has been for a very long time. That is something to come home to. I also realized that I know my way better around Nashville than I had thought. I didn't get lost on the East side tonight...and that was a very good feeling.

Holding On

2009-12-11T18:10:00.012-05:00

For the past two days I have not been able to find my favorite pair of brown boots. I have looked everywhere. I can't find them. I have a favorite math book that I have been so excited to use with my kids in the classroom. Ever since my last sub, I cannot find it anywhere. I have looked almost every day for two weeks. I'm sitting here tonight with the sound of emptiness. The Christmas lights are shining, my mac is singing Peter Bradley Adams, a phone call, a few texts, and an overwhelming feeling of a weekend all alone.

Rob Bell said that most people have not allowed the empty place to open up inside of them. I am trying to let it open up. I don't know what that looks like though or what to do once it is opened. When he was speaking Wednesday night, all I could think about was the homeless people sitting outside...and how I wanted them to come in...or maybe I wanted to go sit with them. They were my Monday night friends, and now Mondays are a closed door. And I struggled with hearing the message of how suffering brings out creativity...how suffering shapes us...how we are not alone, how we have a God who came and screamed alongside of us. I struggled because I wanted to be outside in the cold, sitting with the people who have been placed on my heart this year...not in a room hearing how the suffering I was going through was good for me.

All of this loss. And I think the reason it is so hard at this time of year...is because this time of year is about relationships and being with the ones you love and loving better. Such a magnified time of relationship and love.

From just about everyone I hear...write, sing, embrace it and let God use it. And to that I say, I no longer chase the dream...it is chasing me. I have written one song. One, since this whole ordeal began. It's lyrics are pure and honest...full of the weight that any song should have the responsibility of carrying. But I drag my feet honestly. I don't want the music. I don't want the exposure. I don't want it...if I have to go at it alone. I sang for World Relief last night...sang to the nations...and it was a beautiful opportunity and experience. But I didn't want to carry my guitar into the cold air and drive home in the silence. I didn't want to sit with facebook in my quiet apartment. There was no reason to make dinner for myself...so I made chili for 70 people the next day.

I am so aware of loss. So much so that I see it in my students. I understand what they are going through. So young...they are dealing with death, violence, deportation, family separations, losing friends, moving...not to mention being a kid and learning who they are in the world. And I just have realized that if I am so blessed to have resources and tools and faith to make me stronger...and it's still this hard...how in the world are they carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is the issue we will begin to face in my class...the issue of making it through, of holding on to hope, of finding a way to cope and healing and finding the good in every situation.

I have not shared anything personal with my students. I just haven't had the heart to. They still believe that all is well, and life is as it was in their teacher's world. But they are so in tune...so in tune with the changing of the seasons. Without being too explicit, I will say that although they do not know...they know...and they have drawn me pictures of hope this week.

We are helping each other through. One my students said today, "I don't want to go home. I want to stay with you." I kind of felt that way too.

"Miss T., this is all of us hugging you. And this is --- running to get in the picture."

Me: "Why did you draw this?"
Student: "I don't know...it's a broken heart and then it came back together. The butterflies are for love."

We read "The Purple Balloon" with the school counselor today. "The two heart balloons are going up to the sun so that they can shine."

(abstract but I see a sunrise)

Thank you @PeterBradleyAdams

2009-12-07T18:52:00.003-05:00

So I ran across this song by Peter Bradley Adams today, and it was so perfect I had to post it. If you go here you can download a free mp3 today. God says that in every circumstance He surrounds us with songs of deliverance. And it's true. Every day, I wake up with a song that leads me through to the next day. At just the right moments a song will reach into the very heart of my questions and speak life and hope and peace. He is with us. It's the hope of Christmas. Emmanuel..."God with us." Enjoy.

The Truth

2009-12-06T10:56:00.005-05:00

I think we all know that we can go through times of great joy and times of great discouragement. And then there are all the in between times, when we are wondering what the outcome will be, which side we should stand on, who or what to really believe and place our hope in, what words to pray. We go through times when answers are few and far between and we try desperately to hold on to what we have known, except what we thought we knew to be absolutely true also seems to slowly slip away.

I am starting to believe that everyone should be so blessed to see their circumstances fall away. They were never true anyways. Your dreams, your house, your relationships, your job, your ability to physically and mentally meet the challenges of everyday life, your financial security could be entirely gone tomorrow. And then what? Who would you be? What would your truth be then?

Mostly, we as a nation, we as people, are consumed with ourselves and our ability to have more fun, feel more secure, have the approval of as many as we can, acquire as many possessions as our little hearts delight in. Of course, we do like to give and to care for others in need, it makes us feel better about ourselves...we become stronger, deeper, more likable in the end. If we're really honest, we like ourselves better for having reached out.

But how many of us have reached out in discomfort? How many of us have loved through a very closed and padlocked door? Have we been patient when someone else's decision affects our own decisions? Have we been kind when we were unfairly treated, when we have been abandoned and bruised? Have we allowed someone to walk away from us without holding it against them in spite and in bitterness? Have we allowed them to return with no record of past grievances? Have we continued to protect the ones who have left us alone with no promise of a returned effort? Do we still hope, do we still persevere even after the last battle seems to have been lost? Even after the death of something we held so dear? What happened to laying our lives down? What happened to loving no matter what the cost?

I'm talking to myself here. I'm looking at my life and seeing how attracted I am to being loved at every moment. How attracted I am to feeling comfortable and safe and cherished. And those things are good, so good. But what about the days when I feel unlovely, unworthy and so much less that who I really want to be? Who will love me then? I know God will love me. But my question is, who will love me in the unlovely moments? And the bigger, deeper question this leads to...who will I love in the confusing, unlovely, ugly, tiring, disheartening moments? Am I willing to subject myself to someone else's mess? Am I willing to stand strong when everything else is falling down? Am I willing to change? Am I willing to listen? Am I willing to trust?

And when I speak of trust...Who do we really trust? If our answer is ourselves, we will end up empty and disappointed every time. If we depend only on ourselves, we will become the miserly, selfish people we would never have wanted to see ourselves associated with. I am speaking of trusting in God. I am speaking of allowing God to place people in our lives, then trusting Him to help us love those people and even more, opening the door for them to love us back. Trusting in a person will be disappointing at some point. Every one of us is imperfect, and we will fail one another. But God never fails. His promises always come to pass...even when it looks like He wasn't listening...He was. God loves us. He is always working, He cares when no one else seems to. If we could learn trust in a perfect God who loves us without condition, then maybe we could learn to love one another better, we could learn what it means to stay faithful when everything else falls apart.

This is the hope I woke up with this morning. Late hours on the phone with my little brother, who is not so little anymore. He spoke to me about love last night, about how it can last even when hope is gone, how it is more than feeling good and everything being perfect. It is about steadfastness. It is about laying down our own agendas and showing support and loyalty and so many other things. Even after what seems to like death, love rises again and promises a better future than what has been in the past. Love is deeper and wider and higher and longer than I ever imagined. And this morning, I am filled with that hope...that there's always more to the picture.

This is the verse that kept playing over and over in my head yesterday and I am beginning to realize it's depth. My circumstances have been falling away and the truth I thought to be true. But here is a new truth beaming through the curtain of my questions:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

In my adversity my brother (and sister and parents for that matter) have brought hope and strength to my life. My friends are loving me well. But even more, if I call myself a friend, I too must love at ALL times, even when it is not convenient or comfortable or rewarding. I must walk in love because I walk with a God who has never stopped loving me. (1 Cor.13)

Immigration

2009-12-04T21:18:00.002-05:00

I sat at my reading table this morning calling students over for reading assessments. When one particular student sat down I realized that we were in for a longer conversation, and it wasn't going to begin with any kind of reading. "Miss T. the police came and took my dad away yesterday. He's not allowed to live here anymore. They're sending him back to Salvador." This student went on to tell me that he had been crying and how much he missed his dad. He only had the hope of visiting at the end of the school year. The one thing that seemed to make him smile was the promise from his dad that he would send them anything they needed and lots of gifts for Christmas. His mom packed up all his clothes in a box last night...my student drew him a picture of a race car or something along those lines and stuck it in the box as well.

I keep thinking about this situation. I keep thinking about the mom and how she just had a baby a few short weeks ago. She now has to move in with her brother in order to care for her children. She doesn't have the warmth of her husband at night. She has to stay here in the U.S. and care for her family without the husband she loves. I know all the politics about illegal immigration, the need for paperwork, but tonight I could care less. When you look at the faces of families who are trying to live a better life, of the children who are bright with hope for the future, how in the world can you forget that this country is about families working for a better future, for freedom and for hope? I heard stories of interrogations and searches at my reading table this morning. It seems like such a different life.

And tonight, my little student is going to bed in a land far, far away from his daddy. A daddy who was not even allowed to say goodbye. This is my first experience with such things but according to stories I heard today, it is not uncommon. Have we closed our doors? Has the high society club met their maximum occupancy? Or am I oblivious and ignorant to some kind of explanation here? I want to know why immigration is such a problem. I guess I have some research to do.

Identity

2009-12-04T00:06:00.003-05:00

I'm in the middle of reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning...so good, talking about our identity and being loved apart from performance. Tonight, I ran across this quote by Henry Nouwen...

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

So good. Thought I'd share.

The Love Chapter

2009-12-02T00:05:00.007-05:00

There is much to say tonight...so much.
On the way home, in the midst of traffic and my intense effort not to break down, a knowing came to my heart; an understanding, if you will. I have continued to reflect on 1 Corinthians 13 (The love chapter), continued to run these verses through my head,

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

And as I thought about the patience part and the not giving up, I thought about my intense to desire to not give up...to keep hoping...to keep loving...to keep becoming someone better than I had started out to be. And then I thought about the fact that I am this little person on a big planet with a lot of misgivings and failures and how if I feel this intense about hoping for someone who has walked away, how much more intense does this perfect, loving, God, who is all of the things in the verses above, feel when a person walks away from Him?

How does He feel when a person says to Him, "I'm not good enough for you...I never will be...so I'm going to quit trying now. I bet you can find someone better, someone more suitable to have a relationship with." How His heart must break at the sound of these words. The whole point of sending Jesus was God saying, "You don't have to be good enough, I don't want your goodness. I don't want your valiant yet failed efforts at trying to follow impossible rules and expectations, I just want you. I want to live with you, and laugh with you. I want to dance with you and dream with you. I want to fight it out and see the other side. I want your heart to be free and full of life. I want you, and no matter what it takes, or how long I have to wait...I will never stop waiting and hoping for you to come home." And then He lets us walk out the door, knowing full well that we may never return, knowing full well He may not hear from us for days, months, years. Knowing full well that other things could entice our hearts and keep us from missing Him. And to Him that's ok. Because He is love and love never fails, never gives up, keeps on waiting.

Luke 15

"But while he was still a long way off,
his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.
Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate.
²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'
So they began to celebrate.

So many thoughts tonight. I feel a bit closer to understanding how God feels for those who are running from Him. What do I do with that knowledge? Not too sure. Love Him back...live my life without fear...love well and extravagantly and with a hope that doesn't give up? I am learning as I go.

December 1

2009-11-30T23:38:00.005-05:00

Right now I am thankful for warm blankets and Christmas lights that my roommate insisted should be put up early this year. I am thankful for a job that gave me the space to turn off the lights for an hour in the middle of my day today just to read and regroup. I promise I will try harder to be all there tomorrow. I am thankful that my family is only a phone call away. Their words have spoken truth to me in the midst of much despair. I am thankful for mom and dad who bought me new tires when I have no idea how in the world I would have done such a task. I didn't worry so much about rain this morning. I am thankful for friends who keep calling and asking and loving just when I need it most. I am thankful for butternut squash soup (which sounded really awful at first but ended up tasting pretty good) and grilled cheese sandwiches on rye. I am thankful for a God who doesn't forget His promises, even when everyone else does. I get to wake up in the morning. I get to try again...and keep trying until I get there...wherever there is.

He is working all things together for my good. I have to keep repeating that to myself tonight. I have to keep reminding myself of the words I heard in my heart at the moment when other words were the most painful..."I am making all things new." I have to keep saying to myself..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding." Yep, that about covers it. It's the soundtrack in my head, along with Sara Groves', "love wash over a multitude of things..love wash over a multitude of things...make us whole".

November I must say, I am glad to see you go. December is a new place to start.

C.S. Lewis

2009-11-27T23:29:00.001-05:00

If you know me well, you know that one of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis. Here is my new favorite quote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." C.S.Lewis

The Day After 3

2009-11-23T16:38:00.002-05:00

It's over. It's over? I keep having to tell myself the news. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I was hoping for. And yet here I stand with the news in my ears. Half of me doesn't even believe it to be real. Half of me expects the curtain to rise and life to continue on as it had before.

He said, "God is going to work all things together for good." It is the same verse my mom spoke to me this morning. How does this work for the good? It hurts too much to make any sense right now.

I see it, how it all fell apart. But I saw a way through. I wanted it to work so badly. I didn't want to be left behind. No. Not now. Not when I my heart trusted in something I thought would last. I thought it would last. No matter what.

The End

2009-11-10T01:30:00.003-05:00

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Confidence

2009-11-08T23:37:00.002-05:00

I ran across these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman tonight...so good.

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

Change

2009-10-25T01:15:00.004-04:00

Today, I put my hands in God's hands. I look into His loving face and wait for Him to hold me close. I wait for His answers, for His guidance, for His reassurance. I wait. And as long as He is holding me close, I don't think it matters how long I stand there. As long as I stay in His embrace I will rest in the fact that an answer is ready and waiting for me.

We have our battles do we not? And our battles seem great comparison to our small understandings.

I am getting older, I am not a child or a 20 something anymore. I need to trust God. I am growing set in my ways. I am becoming less accustomed to enjoying change at every moment. I need to trust God. There is so much that I want, that I dream of. I need to trust God. There are so many questions in my heart. I need to trust God.

And I need to be quiet. Isaiah says, "In quietness and trust is your salvation...".

My life is about to change. I need to trust God.

Awakening

2009-10-11T21:07:00.006-04:00

My guitar is making it's way to the heart of Nashville tonight. She will come out of her case surrounded by the sounds of bluegrass instruments, in a place where legends have passed through, in a place where music is spoken between old and young, professional musicians and plain old music lovers alike. And why am I not with her? Why is she playing on her own?

I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.

I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.

Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.

I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.

Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.

And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.

http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus

A Lot to Say

2009-10-06T22:29:00.002-04:00

Why is it that a million thoughts go through my head, each with intention, each with it's own emotion, each with it's own ability to create the urge in me to write it down...and then, when I get to the place of writing it down, I can't remember anything I was about to say?

Humph.

This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.

Nothing to Worry About

2009-08-10T23:48:00.006-04:00

I am blessed. I wake up every morning in an air conditioned room. I do not have to worry about how I will get to work or if I will have enough gas money. I do not even have to worry about job security. On any given day at any given time I can choose exactly what I want to eat and where I want to eat it. If I want to watch a movie, I watch it. If I need a new piece of clothing or item for my house, I buy it. I never have to worry about running out.

I'm an elementary school teacher. I don't have the highest pay in the world; but compared to the rest of the world...I'm doing pretty well. I have every one of my teeth and even though they are not pearly white like the commercials...I can still flash an attractive smile without being embarrassed. I have the privilege of taking showers every day. I have a place to call home. I went to college...and although I have a considerable amount of loans to pay back...I am able to pay them back.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately; thinking about how I get grumpy when I am hungry or tired or upset that things have not gone the way I wanted them to.

On recent Monday nights Adam and I have had the privilege of meeting with about 100 people who are surviving on the streets. They are young and old, men and women, and every one with a different story to tell. Tonight I met Curtis. I thought he was going to try to hustle me. He didn't. He asked if I knew of a place where he could go to get him some assistance for getting to New Orleans. He has heard there is work there, lots of work. He can't find work here, can't catch a break. He has been robbed; not only of money but his i.d. He says there is no way to hustle on these streets because the cops are so strict. Curtis needs a bus ticket to New Orleans. I sympathized with him, feeling helpless as to being able to give any real direction or advice. He said that was okay and talked about how God takes care of him no matter what. He told a story about how he went to the farmer's market last weekend and asked if anyone could give him work. He told them he was so hungry and just needed some money for food. They loaded him down with corn and melon and all kinds of produce. He said he just sat there eating and someone came by, handed him $5 and said, "God bless you." "God always takes care of me", he said. Curtis was not grumpy. He was thankful. He had a vision. I know God is taking care of him.

When we got back to Adam's place tonight, we talked about not taking what God has given us for granted....not wasting any resources...and also not despising them. It is so easy to forget how good God has been, to forget that all that we have is truly from Him. We do not gain wealth on our own. We do not live comfortably and peacefully because of anything we have done. Everything we have is because He has provided. God forgive me for the times when I have acted so entitled to the provision that you have so graciously placed in and around my life.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Some good info...

2009-07-16T18:06:00.004-04:00

Heaven is a must read for anyone who ever wondered about what life will be like after we have died. Randy Alcorn has done a lot of research about what the Bible says about Heaven. He presents what he has found in the book in a way that has really caused me to look forward to being there. If you are looking for answers, this is a great start.

"By the time you finish reading this book, you will have a biblical basis for envisioning the eternal Heaven...you don't need to look up at the clouds; you simply need to look around you and imagine what all this would be like without sin and death and suffering and corruption." -Alcorn

Home Sweet Home

2009-05-23T23:48:00.002-04:00

Yay! I'm home. :) For two whole weeks. If the rain stops I will spend plenty of time at the beach. I can already feel myself breathing a huge sigh of relief...no homework...just family, friends, and time to relax....not to mention a new puppy to play with!

Faithful

2009-05-22T22:49:00.001-04:00

I wish I was better at trusting that all will be well.
I wish I was better at waiting it through.
I want to be more faithful...not just on the outside but on the inside too.

Thankful

2009-04-29T22:09:00.003-04:00

I feel the incessant need to cover my mouth lately and not let too many words come out. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. I have been afraid, worried, untrusting, indignant...and my words have proved this true.

Thankfulness was the word that came to mind tonight. I must be thankful. I need to look for the littlest things and just be thankful. Thankful despite disappointment. Thankful when I still feel great need. Thankful when I would rather crawl under the covers and hide away. Thankful when it does not go my way.

I am thankful

for the green of spring along with the rain

the breeze through my classroom when the a/c is down

for the way he loves me and keeps loving me

for the smiles of my students, their hugs, their willingness to try new things

for the money to pay for food and gas

for a car that takes me there and back

for a family that keeps moving forward

for the opportunity every day to start again.

ORU Bound

2009-04-29T22:05:00.003-04:00

Approximately 5 hours until my ride arrives.

Still need to pack.

Lots of cleaning to do.

I'm headed to Tulsa to see Lys graduate. Doesn't seem like very long ago that I was there...graduating...looking forward to life beyond the college years.

Spring is Here

2009-04-26T20:39:00.003-04:00

This has been a most peaceful weekend...full of outdoor activities like picnics and festivals, full of people and community, full of quality time with friends. The weather has been more like summer than spring. My windows are open and our ceiling fans are circulating the fresh air through the apartment. I got my first sunburn of the season and hopefully the last. Somehow the trees have turned green right before our eyes. It's time again. I feel more alive, more ready to face the world outside.

Tornado Season

2009-03-28T18:43:00.003-04:00

Spring is here! Hail, all programming cancelled to report the weather, tornado sirens, dark clouds, wind. Yikes! Honestly, if the bees weren't out there ruling my balcony I'd be out there watching the storm roll through. :) Oh, there go the sirens again....

Salt and Pepper!

2009-03-28T18:03:00.004-04:00

So I was having coffee with a very good friend of mine this morning when all of a sudden she said, "I just have to tell you, I love the salt and pepper in your hair." Oh man, that's when you know the gray has been left in for too long. I wasn't offended at all. In fact, this morning while getting ready I thought, "Well, maybe it's not so bad after all." Upon hearing my friend's compliment though I realized that the highlights of white and grey were way more obvious than I had thought. At that point I longed to darken my tressles...not leaving an trace of the aging process. After all, I haven't even hit 30 yet! If only I wasn't trying to cut down on spending. If only it didn't cost at least $60 every six weeks to take care of this problem. Any suggestions? Ha. :)

One Year Ago

2009-03-15T02:44:00.003-04:00

Tonight I went back to see the archives from one year ago...it's amazing to find what has happened in one year. One year ago tonight I had one of the most incredible dreams ever. One year ago today I was dreaming of the days I am living in now. Thought you might like to go back and read...

March 2008

Returning the Gift

2009-02-07T16:47:00.002-05:00

I know, I know....it's been awhile. I'm working on a whole new site....we'll see when it gets finished...lol. For the past two or three months I have tried to sit down and write....tried to get something out on paper...and it has been difficult. Sometimes the workings are so deep it takes time for the words to rise to the surface. I think I need to start writing more. I think it is the thing that makes me come alive inside. I told my class at the beginning of the year..."Class, I LOVE writing and I can't wait to teach you how to become a writer." It is now their favorite subject. They will write pages and pages while other teachers are complaining about not being able to get their students to sit down and write for 15 minutes. But just as my personal writing has been neglected, I am sad to say it has been put on the backburner with us for awhile as well. I know there's more. For me and for them. So, all that to say...I'm going to try to come back online...and use the gift God has given me.

Love is a Beautiful Thing

2009-01-13T12:23:00.001-05:00

I found these lyrics today from Andrew Peterson. Thought I would share...

Don't Give Up On Me" Lyrics
by Andrew Peterson from the album Resurrection Letters Vol. II

The road is long that leads me home tonight.
It disappears into the distant light, my love.
Don’t give up on me.
You know I love you, but I’m just a man.
I don’t always love you the best that I can.
My love, don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me.
I won’t give up on you.
Got all these letters that I never did write, all this affection I kept inside my heart.
Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me. I won’t give up on you.
You were there when I shook my fist at the sky.
You were there when I fell to the earth and cried.
Do you remember how it felt just like we died and rose again?
And the storm inside was raging.It was howling like the wind at the Pentecost,
and his love was teaching us a language we thought was lost.
I have felt the holy fire of love, been burned by the holy fire of love.
Made clean by the holy fire of love.
I walked beside you in the canyon flames, deep as an ocean and hot as a thousand suns.
We barely survived. Now I wake up in a golden dream:
angel voices in the rooms where the children run, all covered in light.
Don’t give up on me. I won’t give up on you.

He Calls Himself Love

2008-12-10T21:10:00.005-05:00

I read an article in Newsweek today entitled Our Mutual Joy written by Lisa Miller. I have to admit that I was surprised by some of her findings...surprised, that is, by the way she interpreted the scriptures that come from a book she views as "a living document, powerful for more than 2,000 years because its truths speak to us even as we change through history". In this article, she is stating the case for gay marriage. She stands very clearly on her opinion that the gay community should not be judged for their decisions. She compares their acts to the acts of other Biblical figures...polygamists, adulterers, murderers, etc. This is the truth she relies on: "If we are all God's children, made in his likeness and image, then to deny access to any sacrament based on sexuality is exactly the same thing as denying it based on skin color—and no serious (or even semiserious) person would argue that. People get married "for their mutual joy." This particular statement was made by Rev. Chloe Breyer. Miller also goes on to point out that Jesus reached out to the outcasts. He placed on special emphasis on those who did not fit into the "religious" category of that time.

She is right about Jesus. He was concerned with reaching out to those who did not fit into the religious walls. He was all about dining with the sinners and tax collectors. She is right in saying that any one of us...gay or straight...could come to the Lord and know Him as our Father. But her words break my heart. They break my heart much the same way my own actions and words...or lack words...have done so. This is the closing statement in the article:

More basic than theology, though, is human need. We want, as Abraham did, to grow old surrounded by friends and family and to be buried at last peacefully among them. We want, as Jesus taught, to love one another for our own good—and, not to be too grandiose about it, for the good of the world. We want our children to grow up in stable homes. What happens in the bedroom, really, has nothing to do with any of this. My friend the priest James Martin says his favorite Scripture relating to the question of homosexuality is Psalm 139, a song that praises the beauty and imperfection in all of us and that glorifies God's knowledge of our most secret selves: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." And then he adds that in his heart he believes that if Jesus were alive today, he would reach out especially to the gays and lesbians among us, for "Jesus does not want people to be lonely and sad." Let the priest's prayer be our own.

I sit here wanting to cry about the whole thing. Not because Miller is wrong and I am upset by her words to a large audience...not at all. But because these are the words of our generation whether from those claim to be Christians and those who do not. These are the words I have ignorantly sided with when given occasion to "figure out" the truth "for myself". The bedroom IS the place of deepest intimacy. It is the place where our flesh becomes one flesh...our hearts are joined into one. I would have to argue that it is the place where our spirits and our souls take direction from the body. How could it not affect us on the outside. It either deepens or shallows who we are. It either value or devalues our very soul. Ask an abused child whether or not the bedroom made a difference, or a man or woman who has sold themselves for money. Ask a victim of rape. Ask someone who struggles with pornography. Ask someone who struggles with sexual addictions. Ask these people if they leave their shame behind closed doors. Ask them how they set their darkness aside in a neat and tidy box as if it never happened. Tell me then, that God did not see these things in advance...that He did not make a way for us to be pure. Because He did. And whether you read a few lines or the entire book from beginning to end...God clearly spoke about how to walk in pure and healthy relationships.

How far is too far? Where are the boundary lines? What is the difference between lust and passion? Love and selfishness? We have fought for our right to make our own decisions, walk about in freedom. We have argued that God's grace is sufficient and far reaching. We have claimed to be God's children. And then, when given the opportunity, we serve ourselves...we serve our own ambitions...our own feelings...our own ideas of truth. We turn back to Him and we say, "Thanks...thank you very much...I'll take it from here...make it my own...do it my way. I don't want to hear your advice about love. I think I know now. I can figure it out." And little by little...we walk away from the greatest relationship we could have ever known.

We walk away as if He never truly reached out to us anyway. The gifts that He gives become more important. More important than Him. I think that's called idolatry. And I think He said something about hating that very thing. Because idols destroy our hearts. Idols destroy the passion that drives our hearts.

If we were truly honest, looked deep down inside...we would remember when our hearts became broken. It could have been long before the tears began to roll, the addictions took hold, the desperation set in. We would remember...a day, an evening, a month, a season....when we began to compromise on that still small voice. The moments where we had nothing to stand on...so we did not stand at all. We would remember the question..."Is this OK?" "Why do I feel like something is wrong?" We would remember the difference between peace and unsettledness. We would remember a song, a scripture, a phrase...that rolled around and around in our mind...a thought that would just not go away. We would remember the moments of giving in, giving over, giving up. Moments of shying away from those who might have held us accountable to a higher standard. Moments of running away from being anywhere near the influence of an all-seeing God.

It was the sin that broke our hearts. It was at the moment where we ignored the guidelines He gave us...the truth He put in His word...sin separated us from God...it separated us from love...it separated us from the joy we were meant to know...from the peace we were meant to walk in.

So many of us are driving home late at night and in the early morning hours...remembering that our hearts are broken. We are waking up in the morning with a cry in our heart that says, "this can't be right". So many of us are half the people we should be. We stumble on...chasing after what we think we know to be true...trying to make it true...trying to make it all work out. We are surviving.

But He wants to heal us. He wants to make us full again. He wants to give us the desire of our hearts. God is a loving Father who wants to give better gifts than our fathers could ever think to give. He sent Jesus...to accept us...to save us...to set us free. He knew we could not free ourselves. He knew we would never make it on our own. He wanted to know us. He wanted us to know Him. Religion was never in His heart...relationship was.

The real issue here...fellow Christians...is not whether gays should marry. The real issue is how do we show Christ's love in a way that captures their hearts...and the hearts of every other person who does not yet know Him? How do we point them to the love of all loves? How do WE find the love of all loves? How do WE walk in purity and truth?

How do we let go of our own agendas....our own ambitions....our own ideas of what love should be? How do we follow the God who calls Himself LOVE? Because then I think they would want to hear what we had to say.

Happy Holidays?

2008-12-05T23:12:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Four Years and Distinction

2008-11-04T17:48:00.005-05:00

So, today is the day where every adult gets to walk around proudly wearing their own sticker. :)
I love this thought. I also love that tonight on the way home, Starbucks is going to give me free coffee. I've been watching election coverage while working the classroom all day. Tonight is going to be very interesting. I don't think I have ever felt this much apprehension or interest in an election. Of course, a span of four years could have helped me to forget the feelings of excitement leading up to an election. Adam and I are watching the results together tonight. We have decided that no matter what...God is in control.

And isn't that the truth? No matter what...no matter who wins...all will be well for those of us who love the Lord...for those of us who are listening to His voice...for those of us who are willing to act on His word. It is not the government who has been called to bring God's kingdom to earth. It is not the government who should decide how we as Christians affect the lives of those around us. No matter who the government is...we are still called to be the hands and feet of Jesus...we are still called to spread the gospel...we are still called to love the Lord...we are still called to pray for our leaders and for our nation. When we have done what we know to do in order to stand...then we stand...and we trust God. He is not surprised by candidates or the votes of an entire nation.

We as the church need to rise up, take responsibility and become a voice that speaks truth as well as peace in the government, our communities, our workplaces, our own homes. Pastor Dale illuded to this on Sunday..."We are not electing a savior, we are electing a president...and we need to pray." I agree. We need to stop looking to our governmental leaders as saviors. Christ is our Savior, and as the years unfold ahead of us we will see more and more of a distinction on this matter. I too am concerned about moral decisions. I am very concerned about abortion, lifestyle choices, foreign policies, etc. However, as these past few months have progressed, I have felt more and more convicted that I need to stop relying on the government leaders to affect change. Instead, I need to pray and ask God what I should DO about the things that concern me in this area. Change will not truly happen until the love of God is allowed to transform someone's heart. And how will they know...unless we stop talking about our beliefs and get out there to act on what we believe?

It is time for a change...but let it begin with me...with you...with the church responding to the love of our great Savior...Jesus Christ. His reign and rule will be forever...four years is only a grain of sand in the ocean of God's plan and timeline.

Proverbs 19:21 says:

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Love

2008-11-03T00:57:00.002-05:00

Love...

surprises you at just the right moment

speaks words in a language your heart can understand

has eyes that see beneath the surface

listens to the rise and fall of every emotion

stays calm in the midst of a storm

holds your hand close to its heart

holds you as close as it possibly can

brings you food when you are hungry

gives without thinking twice or asking for a return

Love is...

full of hope

full of kindness

full of thoughts you never could have thought up yourself

Love...

holds dreams for the future

waits patiently

knows that bumps in the road are just bumps

and the journey itself is much more important

Love is...

not afraid

not rude or self-seeking

Love...

forgives right away

and keeps no records of wrong

Love never fails.

Love is opening my heart.

Love is beckoning me to trust...to let go...to dream...to hope...to plan...to get ready...to believe.

Love is casting out all of my fear

and replacing it with peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding.

Love is...once again...teaching me how to live.

Help Wanted

2008-10-28T00:22:00.003-04:00

It is a curious thing how one can go from independence to total reliance. I do not think I am reliant enough on the Lord by any means. In fact, I think most of the time I am trying to prove that I have got it together enough just to please His heart...as if the measure of my effort is helping Him out in some sort of way...or earning His love and respect. And honestly, I think it is the measured effort that has caused me to push God away so many times and turn my eyes from what is truly important. I think all that He really wants is to hear that we want Him...that we need Him...that we can't wait to be with Him. Because that is what He is saying to us.

If we would just sit with Him. If we would just plan time with Him. If we would just be open with Him and share our hearts. If we would just stop trying to live as if we could make it on our own. "Look, God, I can survive!" "Look I can do it all by myself!" Granted, there is joy in finding new strength and ability. But to then take that joy and keep it only to ourselves? How sad He must feel...when He gives a gift but cannot share in the enjoyment of the gift. How sad He must feel to give dreams and visions to only become an afterthought in the undertaking of the very things He created.

More and more I feel myself moving from independence into reliance. My life not only affects others, but it is affected by them. It makes me feel vulnerable. What if I make a mistake? Will the whole thing fall apart? Will the others eventually go away when seeing that my need is too great? I don't know how to rely on someone else. I don't know how to trust that someone else could take my feelings and my heart and care for it the way I hope it would be cared for. We all want to be cared for, do we not? And in the same token, we all want to have someone to give our own affections and attention to. But when that time comes...and here it is coming for me...it is so different to say that the want has now turned into need. I need this love in my life. I need this patience. I need to know everything is going to be okay. I need to know that I am allowed to mess up. I need to know that my words and actions make a difference. It is a realm I am not used to...a realm I never thought I would get the chance to enter...hoped to...but honestly doubted many times. It is a realm that asks for my trust...my dependence on the love of someone else.

It feels really good to be needed. And because of that...I am trying to show my need as well. I am trying to make sure that I do not look as if I want to make it on my own. I have tried it all on my own...it's okay, but it is also lonely. I am finally seeing the fulfillment of someone I have needed for a very long time. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I am sure that God feels the same way about us. He became vulnerable so that we could be with Him too. I'm going to try to trust Him better...because I think that will help me to trust more in every area of my life.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." {Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

Obama

2008-10-21T23:51:00.002-04:00

I just spent 2 hours watching all of these videos tonight. They are well worth the time. You can see the hearts of both coming through a bit clearer than the most recent televised debates. If you have some time..take a look.

McCain

2008-10-21T23:49:00.001-04:00

Election

2008-10-21T23:44:00.001-04:00

It's been hard...I see things on both sides...good and bad. In spite of this, I am pretty sure that I have come to a decision.

Looking Back

2008-10-21T23:42:00.002-04:00

One year ago this is where I was....

October

It's amazing to me that so much could be the same...even after a year of working it out.

Hebrews 12:1-13

2008-10-21T18:01:00.002-04:00

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

The Life of a Teacher

2008-10-21T17:47:00.001-04:00

My how the times have changed. I am especially concerned about #4 and #8.

A Perfect Day

2008-10-19T02:11:00.002-04:00

I didn't want today to end.

I felt alive...I felt home

I remembered who I was

I remembered what I wanted

I remembered my dreams

and I was thankful

For this place

For this new love

For having a sister

Who reminds me of what I know

We were at peace with each other

At peace with the world

Every obstacle held back or removed

We breathed in

thoughts of life, love, home, children

as laughter ran between us

we ran our hands over treasures

dreamed of days to come

And I quietly hoped that one day she wouldn't be so far away

If only every day was like today

If only every day romanced our hearts

reminded us of who we are

Every girl needs a sister

Every girl needs an Alyssa

She is beautiful

She makes me feel beautiful

Into the UnKnown

2008-10-03T01:02:00.003-04:00

You have been in my heart

One day at a time

As if no time had passed

As if page one

Spoke of all our days to come

You have been in my heart

Now one day is too long

As if time stopped without you

And has begun

Only when you are near

I did not know

I was missing you

Until your eyes met mine

Until you pulled me in

Now I cannot let you go

With one word

one taste of your relentless love

I am washed with hope

Chased by desire

With all the love in my heart

I am longing to run with you

Into the unknown...

No Fear

2008-10-03T00:47:00.003-04:00

How do you return love when your own resources are so small in comparison to the one who loved you first? It is humbling to say the least.

I still worry that I am not enough. I still worry that I won't measure up. I still worry that there will be a catch...some kind of reason of why I just missed it...or messed it up. I still worry that I am going to say one too many words or for that matter not say enough.

I suppose that these are the biggest reasons for grace. Because I will never be enough, have enough, do enough. The point is that HE is enough...and that takes care of everything.

Because He loves me....I am loved. I am cared for. I don't have need of anything. I am safe. I am well. I have peace. It's not because of what I have done for Him. It's because He loved me...went out of His way for me...laid down His life for me. I don't have to worry...because He does not go back on His word...because He meant what He said...because I have been in His heart all along. I can trust Him....and that is enough. I don't have to be afraid.

On the Other Side

2008-09-28T00:42:00.003-04:00

What happens when the words you have longed to hear, the ones way deep down inside, the ones you never told anyone, what happens when they are suddenly spoken back to you? What happens when clouds of guilt and shame and fear begin to disappear? What happens when the timing is finally right and long held prayers are answered...when the waiting is over and a new day begins?

Inevitably those moments will come...the ones we thought would never really come....the ones on the other side of whatever we have been walking, running, trudging through....asking, why, when, how....where....who....what? Our defining moments come in the midst of waiting....in the midst of working it out....it is the waiting that prepares us for what is to come. But when the waiting is over....a new definition is set before our eyes. We find Him to be the keeper of promises, the creator of dreams, the defender of hope, the author of love....so deep and true....so full and unique. I am overwhelmed at His goodness....quieted by His faithfulness.

The Psalms say that hope fulfilled is a tree of life....I see that now. The dreams and desires I have held inside....the plans I have wanted to make....the heart I have wanted to share....they are coming alive again. Slowly and surely, with surprise and uncommon peace, all of a sudden and altogether, I am looking into eyes that make me sure...I am loved.

If only we understood the great love God has for us, trusted that He never leaves us, let Him be the strength where we are weak. If only we believed that His love was enough. I am seeing His love in ways I have not seen before. I am humbled and challenged. I am full of longing...full of hope...trying to rest in the assurance that everything really is as good as it seems.

I wish I could put into words how thankful I am.

Breathing In

2008-09-27T15:27:00.002-04:00

I am breathing in the autumn air of a Saturday afternoon. My window is open. I sit here amongst blankets and pillows. There are lesson plans to be written, papers to grade, bills to be paid, and all I can do is sit here and enjoy the peace. The butterfly tree (the one I have mentioned before) shows slight signs of a color change. And now there seems to be more hummingbirds zipping and zapping through the branches than there are butterflies.

I have this weekend all to myself....it feels really nice.