My roomate and I watched Saved last night. It wasn't the best movie ever, but for some reason, I saw myself in the main character. I saw her heart, I saw her search, I saw how easily she had been deceived. She stood beneath the cross with her hands raised, speaking words that Christians avoid. And as much as I'd like to say that the movie did nothing to portray reality, I cannot escape the fact that tears came to my eyes.

What bothered me the most about this movie was the portrayal of love. Love was not among the so-called Christians, it was found among those who were outcast and immoral. Why is that? I'm not going to elaborate on that question right now, I have too many thoughts and not enought energy to type them all.

I have gone through the past couple of months managing not to "feel" too much. I go through the day pretty normal. I get my jobs done, eat, sleep, call my family, play my guitar, hug my kids. But I know that I am not living from my heart. There is a hardness that has crept in, mostly I think to save face in the midst of so many changes. My roomate commented on my stability in the face of circumstances and I suppose it is true. I have been surviving. But this past weekend the tears began. They began as I watched one of my students play with her dad at our fall party. They continued as I gave up my kitten b/c of allergies. Sunday had tears of emotion as my pastor surprised his wife with a renewing of the vows ceremony; which then turned my heart again to the heartache I have covered over. I just keep looking up and asking God, "What's going on? What are You doing?"

At church on Sunday we talked about the importance of loving without expectation of returned love. Does anyone realize how hard that is? When it comes down to it, is it not almost impossible not to expect at least a little something when we put our hearts out on the line? Well, time to cut the expectations again. Time to love without regret, without hope of holding on or winning the outcome.

God give me the wisdom to know the truth, and give me the courage to walk in it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the right words were said, with just the right person; a moment where your heart said, "yes", and you knew that everything was just as it should be? And what did that moment turn out to be? Was it lasting? Was it everything words spoken had promised it to be? How far did the moment carry?

I was in a moment where everything past and present came to a complete halt. My wandering ceased. My hurts began to heal. My questions began to have answers. I was at peace. So why did it not last? Why did I sense peace in a place that brought only destruction to my heart? It is this question that keeps me up at night. In the quietness of my drive home each day, it is the thought that flashes across my mind. And tonight, as I write, I wonder why I continue to choose the path leading to a broken heart.

In my heart of hearts, I see what he could be. I see the man that I loved before he was ever a man. How do you explain the hidden things that come only through the knowing of the heart? How do tell another that what you see is truth? How do you tell yourself to walk away when you know that there is more left undiscovered? What is this hope that I cling to? False or true? Vain or worthy? Pretentious or humble? What is hope and where should it be applied? If not here, where? When you love someone, is it not without regret, without condition, without circumstance? And does love mean that I should be near him? Or is it possible that my love means more in absence?

God knows my prayers. He knows my desire. I await His answers and I await the revealing of His plan. Only He can know the pain of loving someone enough to let them walk away. But I wonder. What was all of this for? And how much more full and wonderful is love's potential? If I may refer to a fairy tale here, what was it in Beast that drew Beauty? And what was it in Beauty that brought life again to Beast? I want to know. I want to see it. I want to be changed by it.

The air crisp, the days short,

and I am waking up for the winter ahead.

This new season has crept in both quietly and with determination.

I recognize it well,

although circumstances would defer

to say that life could not ever look the same

Comforted with silence

I hear of better days to come.

I had almost forgotten how to sit quietly.

There was work to be done, conversations to be had, music to be played.

But this silence,

this forgotten gift,

this absence of things that would otherwise distract me from my search,

startles me once again.

I am searching for him.

Or rather, I am aware that he is searching for me.

Maybe this time

I will come closer.

Maybe this time my determination will not be dismantled by some other less fulfilling search.

Maybe I have been on the right path all along.

Leaves falling, wind blowing

Season changing

I am me, yet never the same

and he, the constant,

the one who leads me to love.

"What brought life to you today?"

For me, it was when I sat still long enough to watch my kids play in the classroom. I listened to their laughter, soaked in their smiles, listened to their questions, watched their creations. They were full of life.

And the sky was beautiful today. Clouds endless and layered, sun filtered, blue sky bright. The wind was perfect; its breezes calming my heart and caressing my face.

God brought life today through the laughter of children and through the beauty of nature. I felt healing after the shock of what seemed like such an unfair death this past weekend. Someone so young, so well-loved, so striving to get his life straight...shouldn't he have had a chance? I just have to trust that God holds Him now in Heaven and has a purpose beyond these circumstances.

God show my heart the truth. Show me how to live better from here.

Death came so quickly, friend. I will miss you.

Shall we gather at the river,

Where bright angels he has brought,

With it's crystal tides forever

Flowing by the throne of God
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,That flows by the throne of God
Ere we reach the shining river

Lay we every burden down,

Praise our spirits will deliver

And provide our robe and crown.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God
Soon we'll reach the shining river,

Soon our pilgimage will cease,

Soon our happy hearts will quiver

With the melody of peace.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God.

~Robert Lowry~

It's been awhile...
All is well. Driving home from work the other day I realized that much of the weight has been lifted. What a relief. The past seems really to have passed. At the same time, I do not deny that there are issues below the surface that God is dealing with...heart issues. Although the initial pain is gone, I know that more healing is bound to be on the way. And for that, I am glad. God is good.