So I thought it would be fun to make my own music space today. If you do not have a cd in hand, click on the picture to go and listen.
Saturday, September 30
Thursday, September 28
Tapestry
There is a verse that talks about writing the vision down so that the herald may run with it. At the beginning of this year, I wrote down in my blog that I wanted to record my songs. I didn't know anything about recording, I didn't know anyone who could help me, I didn't even have more than 2 finished songs.
I sat with mom tonight and discussed this musical journey. It started so long ago, under my grandpa's tree, playing a guitar that belonged to the church. I couldn't have been more than 7. And then lessons at the end of high school. And then leading worship in Rochester in so many different settings. After that ORU, where I was not accepted into the music program, and where I could not even get into the choir. Voice lessons, private guitar lessons, long nights in the piano lab..writing...dreaming...praying. It's where I met Leah, where I met the Edison boys, where I roomed with Zoe. And between these three and Tulsa, and LA, and Jacksonville...I have come to a place of divine appointment. I can't forget my trip this summer either. If I hadn't been given the gift of Scotland, I wouldn't have begun to write again, I am sure...it was there where my heart began to really open up again. I might not even have been ready to record. My life is full of friends and family and happenings so intricately woven that seasons and places lead me to other seasons and places. God knows the beginning from the end, I am sure.
So today, I recorded my first five songs. It feels so good to say that. If you want a copy, email me...I'll send it your way. :)
I sat with mom tonight and discussed this musical journey. It started so long ago, under my grandpa's tree, playing a guitar that belonged to the church. I couldn't have been more than 7. And then lessons at the end of high school. And then leading worship in Rochester in so many different settings. After that ORU, where I was not accepted into the music program, and where I could not even get into the choir. Voice lessons, private guitar lessons, long nights in the piano lab..writing...dreaming...praying. It's where I met Leah, where I met the Edison boys, where I roomed with Zoe. And between these three and Tulsa, and LA, and Jacksonville...I have come to a place of divine appointment. I can't forget my trip this summer either. If I hadn't been given the gift of Scotland, I wouldn't have begun to write again, I am sure...it was there where my heart began to really open up again. I might not even have been ready to record. My life is full of friends and family and happenings so intricately woven that seasons and places lead me to other seasons and places. God knows the beginning from the end, I am sure.
So today, I recorded my first five songs. It feels so good to say that. If you want a copy, email me...I'll send it your way. :)
Monday, September 25
Getting Closer to a Dream
Ok, so the songs may be recorded this week. I have some friends who are going to help me out. This is a huge step. I actually feel nervous and not quite ready. I feel like I need to rewrite every one of them again. I feel like I could work for 5 more weeks and then maybe they would be ready. What if I hadn't taken so many naps this weekend? For that matter, every weekend. How much further would I be? What if I was playing right now instead of blogging?... Oh yeah, I am remembering that I need to be ready to teach school tomorrow. I've been a little stressed due to lack of sleep, which is due to many things including song writing. Well, I'm actually asking God for help. When I moved to Jax I put the music business in His hands. He is the one who will breathe on the words and the sounds. He is the One who will open doors. I just pray that my heart is in line with His and that I am disciplined enough to work at it and bring out a good sound.
27
I made it. :)
Well, to those of you who remember BASIC days you might appreciate this story.
At 17 I was pretty sure who I wanted to marry..yeah, that's right 17. But thank God that did not work out. After getting out of that relationship and graduating high school I started making some big life changes and got involved with church related activities and joined a Christian college group. What an amazing group of friends I had in that place. Anyways, even though the marriage thing hadn't worked out as planned before, I was still pretty hopeful that by 22 I would be settled down someplace with someone. 18, 19, 20 went by...still, no prospects. Eh, I still had time. That's when I met Tracy. Tracy played the guitar, led worship at church, had her life together. I really looked up to her. She was also 27 and single. Truth be told, I felt sorry for her...lol. I prayed, "Dear, God...please don't make me wait that long." 21, 22, 23, 24...I even went to a Bible college where everyone made the joke, "ring by spring or your money back." No ring by spring, not even more than a first date. 25, 26 ...he wasn't in NY, he wasn't in OK...maybe Florida?
27...How funny. I made it. I don't feel sorry for me. I actually feel privileged, thankful that I have lived life fully up to this point...traveling, teaching, carrying freedom to come and go as I please. Do I wish I had someone to share it with? Most definitely. Does my radar still send out its signals? Um, yeah. But I'm not worried. I feel just as hopeful as I did back at 17, 22, 25. The only wish I have is that I'll get to share my younger years with someone else...traveling, serving, loving, etc., etc. Tracy did get married not too long after 27...maybe I won't have to wait much longer either. :)
Well, to those of you who remember BASIC days you might appreciate this story.
At 17 I was pretty sure who I wanted to marry..yeah, that's right 17. But thank God that did not work out. After getting out of that relationship and graduating high school I started making some big life changes and got involved with church related activities and joined a Christian college group. What an amazing group of friends I had in that place. Anyways, even though the marriage thing hadn't worked out as planned before, I was still pretty hopeful that by 22 I would be settled down someplace with someone. 18, 19, 20 went by...still, no prospects. Eh, I still had time. That's when I met Tracy. Tracy played the guitar, led worship at church, had her life together. I really looked up to her. She was also 27 and single. Truth be told, I felt sorry for her...lol. I prayed, "Dear, God...please don't make me wait that long." 21, 22, 23, 24...I even went to a Bible college where everyone made the joke, "ring by spring or your money back." No ring by spring, not even more than a first date. 25, 26 ...he wasn't in NY, he wasn't in OK...maybe Florida?
27...How funny. I made it. I don't feel sorry for me. I actually feel privileged, thankful that I have lived life fully up to this point...traveling, teaching, carrying freedom to come and go as I please. Do I wish I had someone to share it with? Most definitely. Does my radar still send out its signals? Um, yeah. But I'm not worried. I feel just as hopeful as I did back at 17, 22, 25. The only wish I have is that I'll get to share my younger years with someone else...traveling, serving, loving, etc., etc. Tracy did get married not too long after 27...maybe I won't have to wait much longer either. :)
Saturday, September 16
Seeing Christ
I remember the moment so clearly. Standing in the middle of my living room, late at night, holding the one thing my heart believed in. It should have been a moment just like any other, a moment leading to many more just the same. But a sinking, helpless feeling crept in and in some untangible way, I knew it was the beginning of the end.
It is moments like these that have recently crept back into my day. For some reason I have been brought back to remember. In the midst of worship tonight I began to see it again, feel the pain. Why, God? Why now? Why is it so hard to move my heart in a new direction? Will I always carry this disappoinment? Will I always question the hope that tries so hard to spring up in my life? Will I ever move beyond this? Will I ever see something better? Will there be a new day? New love? I wish there was a way to put every memory in a box and send it on its way. I wish there was a way to take out my heart, wash it clean and let only the light in. I wish there was a way to make joy the only station broadcasted across the soundwaves of my life.
And so tonight, as we sang "You are the only one I live for" over and over I just began to pray. I want so badly for it to be true. I want so badly to walk away from disappoinment. I want so badly to know what it means to see God and see His promises come to pass. I want so badly to say that Christ changed me and see that same power change others.
And so, as the memories pass by this is my prayer, "show me Christ". Show me where you were in the midst of it, Lord. Show me where you are in the midst of me now. Show me Christ and let His power become the power that changes my life...transforming death to life, light to darkness, disappointment to hope, insecurity to confidence, shame to relief.
It is moments like these that have recently crept back into my day. For some reason I have been brought back to remember. In the midst of worship tonight I began to see it again, feel the pain. Why, God? Why now? Why is it so hard to move my heart in a new direction? Will I always carry this disappoinment? Will I always question the hope that tries so hard to spring up in my life? Will I ever move beyond this? Will I ever see something better? Will there be a new day? New love? I wish there was a way to put every memory in a box and send it on its way. I wish there was a way to take out my heart, wash it clean and let only the light in. I wish there was a way to make joy the only station broadcasted across the soundwaves of my life.
And so tonight, as we sang "You are the only one I live for" over and over I just began to pray. I want so badly for it to be true. I want so badly to walk away from disappoinment. I want so badly to know what it means to see God and see His promises come to pass. I want so badly to say that Christ changed me and see that same power change others.
And so, as the memories pass by this is my prayer, "show me Christ". Show me where you were in the midst of it, Lord. Show me where you are in the midst of me now. Show me Christ and let His power become the power that changes my life...transforming death to life, light to darkness, disappointment to hope, insecurity to confidence, shame to relief.
Monday, September 4
Fear and Surrender
After my last couple of posts I know it is time for a change. Many times, on this blog, I risk being vulnerable...letting everyone know my business. But I find this heart stuff incredibly hard keep inside...something important happens, and like sitting with a very dear friend, I have to come and put it all down. I have to make sense of what's going on. I have to let it be released so that I can move on.
It's been a long road, this whole church situation, this whole heart situation. A friend of mine called to see if I was headed to church this past Saturday night. I told him that I wasn't sure because I didn't really want to show up alone. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Maybe that's why I eventually shrink back. I don't know. I'm usually really good about putting my brave face on. For some reason I just haven't been able to find it. So, I went...to church...met my friend there, feeling like a dork because seriously I could have come on my own and been just fine. And it was so good...not just good...but so good. That was Saturday night...Sunday morning, I was there again...on my own this time...and ended up going to membership class. Do you know what the whole weekend was about by the way? ...Why it's important to get planted in the house of God. It's been so long since I've been able to do that...so long since I've trusted God enough to let myself be planted. Yeah, it's about time.
There was something else last week that had me in tears. My kids are constantly hugging me, wrapping their little arms around me, telling me stories, etc., etc. and it is usually at times when I need everyone's attention or we are lining up or "fill in the blank" inopportune time of the day. It really began to bother me when I noticed that my reactions were not loving and patient, but more like "c'mon we've got places to go, things to do..no time for play" kinds of reactions. As I searched my heart I began to see the face of fear. And without going detail for detail I realized that I have been holding my students at arms length in fear that I would not be able to control them in my classroom. I looked at situation after situation this year and saw how fear held me back from fully embracing them each time. What is this fear? Where did it come from? I'm not quite sure, but God knows and I'm asking Him. I just keep thinking of Jesus and how He embraced the little ones around Him...He took time not worrying what everyone else would think. I hope that I can begin to do the same. I'm wondering how much this has affected my other relationships as well. I mean how often have I held others at arms length in order to maintain control and not be vulnerable to criticism or rejection?
It's been a long road, this whole church situation, this whole heart situation. A friend of mine called to see if I was headed to church this past Saturday night. I told him that I wasn't sure because I didn't really want to show up alone. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Maybe that's why I eventually shrink back. I don't know. I'm usually really good about putting my brave face on. For some reason I just haven't been able to find it. So, I went...to church...met my friend there, feeling like a dork because seriously I could have come on my own and been just fine. And it was so good...not just good...but so good. That was Saturday night...Sunday morning, I was there again...on my own this time...and ended up going to membership class. Do you know what the whole weekend was about by the way? ...Why it's important to get planted in the house of God. It's been so long since I've been able to do that...so long since I've trusted God enough to let myself be planted. Yeah, it's about time.
There was something else last week that had me in tears. My kids are constantly hugging me, wrapping their little arms around me, telling me stories, etc., etc. and it is usually at times when I need everyone's attention or we are lining up or "fill in the blank" inopportune time of the day. It really began to bother me when I noticed that my reactions were not loving and patient, but more like "c'mon we've got places to go, things to do..no time for play" kinds of reactions. As I searched my heart I began to see the face of fear. And without going detail for detail I realized that I have been holding my students at arms length in fear that I would not be able to control them in my classroom. I looked at situation after situation this year and saw how fear held me back from fully embracing them each time. What is this fear? Where did it come from? I'm not quite sure, but God knows and I'm asking Him. I just keep thinking of Jesus and how He embraced the little ones around Him...He took time not worrying what everyone else would think. I hope that I can begin to do the same. I'm wondering how much this has affected my other relationships as well. I mean how often have I held others at arms length in order to maintain control and not be vulnerable to criticism or rejection?
Friday, September 1
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