The biggest worry I have as a teacher...is that I have not esteemed my students enough.
Did I encourage so and so today? Did I take the time to listen to what was important to them? Did I reason with them when they needed redirection? Did I allow them to take up their own responsibility?
Or was I too rushed to stop and listen to their questions about the world? Was I too focused to see what was really going on? Did my agenda really line up with their needs?
Do I cause them to want to learn about the world? Do I instill in them a love of research and learning? Do I lift them up and esteem them so that they will have the confidence to continue?
Confessions of a teacher:
Today, it was easier to plough through the lesson than it was to comfort and encourage.
It was easier to silence the confusion rather than speak to the heart of the situation.
It was easier to share my own frustrations rather than empathize and discern how to be patient with their concerns.
It was easier to walk in silence rather than share in a delightful conversation.
I remember being a child and needing affirmation. I am an adult and I need that now. I want to know that I am doing a good job. I want the freedom to be independent and make my own decisions. I want attention and love. If I could just figure out a way to balance this realization and my reaction to their attempts at learning....then maybe we would have more peace.
My own patience basically depleted...I am in need of God's help. These children have been entrusted to me. They are so precious...each and every one. They are with me for just a season...and I know that they are assigned to my classroom for a reason. Lord, show me how to love them...show me how to teach them...show me how to draw out the best in them. I never wanted to be the frustrated teacher. I never wanted to be the one who grew bitter because I did not understand my students.
Tomorrow, I will try again.
Tuesday, January 29
The Great Unknown
Every note drives me further than the one before.
Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?
But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.
And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.
Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?
But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.
And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.
Wednesday, January 23
Where He Is
I knew it would happen...the moment that I made the decision. I knew it would come to making the same choice again and again. I knew that I would have to let go. I knew that I would have to start all over again. And yet I chose this road. Not because I knew all the answers. Not because it seemed the prettiest or the best. But only because it was the road that brought pure life to my heart.
Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?
It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.
I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.
We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.
My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.
My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.
I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)
Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?
It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.
I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.
We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.
My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.
My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.
I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)
Saturday, January 5
Fighting for Life
I sat up until early morning hours with my roomate deep in conversation. And the question that burned in my mind as we talked also woke up with me this morning as the sun came through my windows.
What am I fighting for?
Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?
Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.
But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.
Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????
How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???
It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.
When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.
No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.
And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?
True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.
Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?
Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.
He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.
It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.
What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.
What am I fighting for?
Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?
Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.
But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.
Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????
How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???
It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.
When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.
No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.
And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?
True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.
Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?
Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.
He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.
It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.
What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.
Tuesday, January 1
New Year
Well, it is a new year....which calls for a new post. :)
Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.
I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.
I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.
I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?
There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.
In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."
We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.
But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?
Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.
So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.
Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.
I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.
I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.
I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?
There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.
In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."
We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.
But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?
Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.
So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.
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