Land of the Living

This week I get to see a very good friend of mine. She is here in Jax for a conference. We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and haven't talked in about one year. So we laughed and talked until about 2am this morning. This will go on until Friday when she leaves.

When I moved my junior year of high school it was in the middle of the school year. I was heartbroken about the move and did not make a single solitary friend at this high school...except for Kim. She was a gift from God...she had only moved there about 2 weeks before me. We sat next to each other in homeroom. Our days were spent shopping, driving around in her family's big blue van, listening to music, talking about boys, talking about God, laughing a lot. Even after I left the high school and the city 6 months later, we remained close and kept in touch. Who knew that 11 years later, after college and careers and moving to different states, that we would still be close friends...hanging out in sunny (cold at the moment) Florida? Who knew what an encouragement we would be to each other's lives?

I didn't know why I had to move...all those years ago. It was such a lonely time. But if I had not gone, had I not entered that classroom full of strange faces, I would not know Kim. I would not have the joy of our friendship. She was probably one of the first people to inspire me to write musically and to sing. She remains to be one who inspires me to keep walking closer to God.

Recently, I was in my driveway at nightime and noticed how the light illmunitated a large rectangular area near the road. I'm not sure why I was so compelled but I felt I had to stand in the middle of that area....or maybe it was a circle..I can't remember. When I stepped into the light I heard God say, "I will lead you to places you do not want to go, but in the end it will be a blessing." Well, needless to say I didn't know how to feel about this word. It was both encouraging and intimidating. But as I looked back upon my life, I realized the pattern that I had gone through. I saw a lifetime of going to places I did not necessarily want to go...and I saw the blessing that came from those places.

I saw moving around as a child...it led to friends and connections that even now I keep in touch with. I saw my unexpected college roomate Zoe, who set up her side of the room before I even knew we'd been assigned to the same room...we make a point of seeing each other once a year...she has inspired me to create and dream and be more real than I was before. I see this school I am working at now, such a challenge...but I am learning how to persevere, how to minister, how to humbly serve those I don't really want to serve in the first place. I saw relationships, I saw places, I saw jobs....I saw the hard times and through it all...I saw how God's hand was leading me, protecting me, molding and shaping me to be who I am today.

My darkest moments were telling me of better days to come. I did not know it then. But the promises were there. God help me to remember your promises for every day after this. Help me to remember that you are good and that you are leading me to a good land...a promised land. Help me not to be afraid of the giants I see standing in the way. By Your hand and Your word...I will overcome.

Psalm 27:13-14

What, what would have become of me had I not believed

that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord;

be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.

Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Turn It Around

I received a prophetic word about eight years ago about my husband. In it, the Lord asked me not to marry outside of His will for my life. He said that I would be an answer to some guys cry. He said that before that I should not let my heart go, because I would go through a season where I walked with the throne of God, a season where He would bless my life. Well, I've had a few opportunities to let my heart go since that time. Sad to say, maybe too much on some points. But God has brought me through. And so I'm wondering, were these boys along the way, the test that came with the word? I went through tests and trials that is for sure. But the season...the one where I was not even to contemplate a relationship...did I miss that season being distracted by these relationships...or is it yet to come? (I might write a book about all of it...just because it has a lot to do with my testimony.) I walk into this year...with more freedom, with a confidence that I have left the past behind. I walk into this year with an expectation for God to move. I walk into this year with a desire to move forward, to press further in, to know the fullness of God in every area of my life. I have been "fickle"...tossed back and forth in my feelings and desires. And all I really want is the Lord. All I really want is to know Him, to walk in the purposes that He has for my life. If that includes being married, so be it. If that includes ministry, so be it. It is time for walking close with Christ. I don't know what it looks like exactly...I don't know where I will go. But I do know it will be worth the change in focus...laying down the desire for my husband, laying down my own plans and preconceived notions...allowing God to pave the road ahead and show me the way.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God
And I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you

And my heart burns for you

Humble Me

In church this morning, the pastor talked about humility. It was definitely a good reminder...one that I needed more than I thought at the beginning of the day. At the end of the service, a member of the congregation shared what God had spoken to him during the service. He said that some of us carry pride in what we are attached to and responsible for. Some of us will not follow God all the way, because we feel we have to be doing other things, taking care of other relationships, fulfilling other certain obligations...which in the natural may seem perfectly fine, but in the light of God's kingdom, they stand in the way of the fullness that God has planned.

I've been chewing on this word all day. I can think of a lot of things that I feel like I should be doing right now. For example, making enough money to pay off college loans, saving for a house, trading in for a newer car, fulfilling my promise to 13 third grade students, preparing more music for ministry, keeping an eye out for "mr. right". All of these require money, time, effort, heart, sweat, tears, me.

Robert sat next to me at a wedding this evening. He was nice. I was feeling a bit awkward. I couldn't sit with my friends and I had showed up alone. Well, Robert wanted to strike up a conversation. Like I said...he was nice. He was genuinely interested in talking about what I did for work, where I went to church, etc. The thing is, at the time, I didn't appreciate Robert. I was annoyed at being left out when the seating had been planned. He was not who I had planned on sitting with. He was not the guy I wanted to plan my evening around. But there he was, trying his best to make me feel a welcome guest in his row. Robert was humble. And even though, I was aware that this was a humbling situation and I needed to respond accordingly, I was not, in my heart of hearts, at all humble.

I would leave my job if I knew it was okay with God. I would walk away. It has been the sandpaper on my walls these past couple of years. I LOVE these children. I want good for them. But I don't want to be there. Who will take care of them then? Who will make a difference in their lives? Who will pray for them? These are the questions that shame me into retracting my statements of wanting to move on. These are the questions that keep me plugging away, hoping that somehow God will bring a new open door.

I am afraid that I have complained one too many times. I am afraid that I have been too tossed back and forth by the waves. I am afraid of what I will look like. I am afraid of losing my reputation for being someone to depend upon. I do not want to hear my father asking me what I plan to do instead. I do not want to face my principal and tell her that I cannot help her anymore. I do not want to look into my students' faces and let them know that I cannot help them anymore...knowing that I am leaving a job undone. I do not want to face God in the silence and not receive an answer. I do not want to hear a direction only to find out later that I was wrong. I do not want to be stuck with a large amount of debt and not know how it will be paid.

All of this...pride.

How do I overcome? How do I finally prove to God...to myself...that I am hungry for only Him? I've been telling God over and over...take over, take all of me, move in on my life and have your way. But what does it mean to walk in humility? What does it feel like when He is in control? What will be required of me? Simple questions, any Christian could probably answer. But seriously, I feel like I am at the beginning...all over again.

His Kingdom Come

So a lot is happening.

I've been thinking a lot about healing and deliverance in the past few months. Thinking about how I grew up believing that such occurences are still possible today...how I have prayed and been prayed over for such things...how I haven't heard so much about it, or have been leary of hearing about it in the past few years.

I sat and had a conversation with friends over shrimp and chicken a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing healing. I shared my grandpa's testimony...how he had been healed and delivered after practically laying in bed for months dependent on tranquilizers. The funny thing is...he was Baptist...he wasn't supposed to believe in healing. Yeah, he ended up losing his whole church...but he gained the truth of Jesus Christ, and he went on to bring healing and deliverance to hundreds maybe thousands of others who were in need of wholeness. Well, I got some looks that's for sure. I could feel tension in the room. Was it me? Was it the message? Even among Christians? My one friend was trying desperately to cut into her piece of chicken with a butterknife as we talked...it wasn't really working. Someone noticed and handed her a pointedly sharp steak knife from the drawer. We laughed at the difference it made. For some reason the moment stuck out to me. The Bible says that the word of God is a powerful and effective sword, rightly dividing the truth, dividing even to the joints and marrow. I sat and wondered how often we use a duller portion of the Word to live our lives. I wondered how much we water down what is really true about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. How much more effective would our lives be, if we would only grab for the sharp steak knife instead?

I went to a new church this past weekend. Not because I want to church hop, but because I have a cry in my heart for more. I am hungry for God. I want to see His power at work in my life. I want to see healing and deliverance. I want to hear His heart towards the people on this earth. I want to experience what Jesus Christ died on the cross for. Life. Hope. Healing. Victory over darkness. The list goes on. So I heard about this quiet little church...I had been there last summer for a concert...and I decided to go. They used to be Baptists...they used to not believe in healing, in the fact that the Holy Spirit still moves like in the days of the New Testament. But then, God began to move. I walked into this church and found a congregation who participated in the service. The congregation was praying for one another. The congregation shared testimonies during the sermon. It was not a sit back and be entertained sort of place. It was a place of peace and reflection. A place of listening and encouragement. A place to hear from the Lord, and speak healing and life to those around us. It was church, like I haven't seen it in so long. They were not watching the clock. They were allowing the Holy Spirit to run the service. And it was not confusing or hyped up. It was not weird or wacky or off the wall. There was order and peace and understanding.

Tonight I went again to hear Bill Johnson speak about the miracles that are taking place in his church in Redding, CA. Well, through the people in his church...they are praying for people in malls, and stores and public places...and the dead are coming back to life, miracles of healing are taking place, people are being delivered, he even told a story of food being multiplied on a trip to Africa (they were literally handing out loaves of bread to a large crowd and their bags did not empty out...no matter how much they handed out, the bags stayed full!) The thing is, he is training up an army. He does not take credit for the healing ministry. Tonight, he had us pray for those who needed healing. The congregation of over 500 people prayed for one another. I prayed for a woman with plates in her arm and knee...God moved in her body and she was healed. Her arm straightened out...her knee became better. Others around the church were healed. One woman was even able to take her footbrace off.

My friend Kim called me this week. She is coming at the end of the month for a healing conference. The thing is, she didn't exactly believe in all of this healing, deliverance, Holy Spirit stuff until this past year. I haven't talked to her in about a year. It was incredible to hear of what God was doing throughout her church, which is also of a different denomination. I am absolutely amazed and excited to hear how God has changed her heart and is continuing to use her.

From every corner...God is speaking healing. I had two friends call me on the same day this week..one with kidney failure...another with bad news about breast cancer. And the thing is...I was not afraid. I wasn't even sad. I was compassionate towards how they were feeling, but I was also sure of the fact that God wanted to move. I was sure that healing was possible. All around me, there are opporutinities for God to heal. My prayer....is that I would have the courage to step out in faith...that I would not be afraid to ask God for the impossible. My prayer is that healing would begin to take place through my own life and hands and prayers....just like in the days of Jesus. He could do nothing apart from the Father. Let me see what you are doing Lord..let me hear what You are saying...let me walk in your ways and be a conduit of heaven changing earth.

Here It Is

From wherever spring arrives to heal the ground
From wherever searching comes
(The look itself a trace of what we’re looking for)
So be quiet now...and wait
The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is...

Here is our King
Here is our love
Here is our God who’s come
To bring us back to Him
He is the One
He is Jesus

And what was said to the rose
To make it unfold
Was said to me here in my chest
So be quiet now...and rest
The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is...

Majesty...
Finally...
Here

Artist: David Crowder Band
Album: A Collision
Year: 2005
Title: Here Is Our King

The Dance

As long as I hear a few of my favorite songs and get twirled around the dance floor one or two times it's a great night of line dancing. I hadn't gone for quite awhile, a few months anyways. But the girls were going and I decided to join them.

A good Christian girl should probably not enjoy this type environment so much, but I have to admit that it's one of my favorite places. The people are real, the songs are honest and there is a concentrated effort of unified dancing. Men and women of all ages and backgrounds show up for the evening...some dressed to only draw attention, some faithful regulars, some laid back and truly just there for the dancing. Most of them (us) searching, for a good time, for a partner to dance with, a person to go home with, for fulfillment, for a connection that has not yet been found anywhere else.

There comes a point in the evening when the whole room is singing the same song, out loud and with all the passion of alcohol and the roots from whence they came. It's a beautiful thing, and I laugh right out loud. I like to think that Jesus would have loved this place, these people....probably way more than me. I like to think that He would have turned the place upside down with His love. I sit there and wonder how I can do the same, and I pray for open doors. Most of my time is spent with a smile and with short conversations during slow dances. All the same, when I meet a pair of empty eyes, I want to reach out and bring life.

This place also brings back a bittersweet memory of last spring. For a period of about two months, I and a few friends came here searching as well. I learned very quickly, that it was not the place where I would find my answers. And just about the time I realized this fact, my heart was put to the test. I was leaving, walking out of the place, and then I was asked to dance.

The dance lasted about a month. I thought it was the answer to my prayers. I made the comment to my sister, "It just made me want to live again." I was pulled out of my sadness and shown a whole new world. I had hope for better things to come. I wanted more from life than I had ever wanted before. But this man who asked me to dance, who called me three days later, who prayed over our dinner, who held my hand on a moonlit beach, who made me laugh right out loud, who could seemingly read my heart like a book, who allowed me to be myself appeared out of thin air and then disappeared again not too long after.

Sometimes, I sit on the side of that same dancefloor and remember the surprise I felt that evening. I sit there and think to myself, how impossible the odds were that we would be at the same place and the same time, how improbable that such a connection would be made. I have NEVER felt that way before.

Last night, I wanted that hope to return. I wanted so badly for him to walk through that door again. It would be different, in the face of disappoinment, but it would still be an answer to this mystery. I talked to God all the way home about it. Then, last night a friend from myspace posted the statement "When we loose something, the gain is greater than the loss." Notice it said "loose" not lose. The truth is I haven't wanted to let go of this thing, this hope that he would return again. Even 8 months afterward I am thinking about it. I don't know why he disappeared...I never got an explanation. I have wanted to believe that God would bring us back together again. I wish I could put it all into words, how deeply this chance encounter touched my heart, just to convince anyone and even myself, that he was not just another guy...doing what guys seem to be labeled for doing best. But I just have to let go...every day, not just yesterday and the day before...but today and every day after that..."loose" it and move on. I have to trust that God has so much more. Wow, I can't even imagine it...really I can't...so it must be good.

And whatever it was, the gain will be greater than anything I thought I lost. In the words of Garth Brooks, "I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives, are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss...the dance."