Thank You

Dear Savannah,
I was thinking today that even though we chatted for a bit last week, we still haven't talked since. I know you come here to read, so I thought I'd let you know here....that I am thankful for you as well. You brought me the comfort of friendship in a new place. You helped me settle and opened up doors I would not have found on my own. You are faithful and loyal. Never in my life have I met someone so committed or so willing to go out of their way. Thank you for sharing yourself and your time with me. 

On the Road

Today: I woke up at 10:30, called mom and dad around 1:00 and asked if I could be their tag along for the day, found my bathroom flooded at 1:05, rushed to get ready anyways, told dad about the flood when he got here, watched dad clean up my bathroom for me, ate Mexican for lunch, spilled my water at the table (what's up with the water?), saw a lot of houses for sale (mom and dad are looking), took over 100 pictures of the North Florida landscape, went grocery shopping at a different store than usual, received the benefit of having a very good looking manager offer to take my groceries to my car (after he had continuously shown up in the same parts of the store as I did), ran into the automatic door on the way out (I pick the best times to be the least coordinated), laughed at myself all the way home, talked to Jilli for awhile, cooked an artichoke for over an hour and then finally figured out it needed to be covered while cooking, and now I sit here blogging while Alan Jackson is sings old hymns on the Grand 'Ol Opry..."Tis' So Sweet to Trust in Jesus".

While we were on the road today, grandma called my cell and put grandpa on the phone. He's home from the hospital on a weekend pass and wanted to thank me for the gift I had sent him. After him being so sick, I was afraid of how he would sound, but all I heard was "Hiiiiiiii April!" ...just as chipper as he has always been. He shared with me that at first the doctors had told him that he'd be on dialysis the rest of his life. Current prognosis: he'll never need it again. Grandpa is on the mend. A month ago we didn't know if he would even make it home. In his own words, he has "received a miracle." Yes. :) 

Commercial Free Beachfront

Sunset at Fernadina.
I loved the reflection of the water when I took this picture. 

Multi-Tasking

How to carry your camera, shoes and shells while walking on the beach. :) Missy is one of my dearest friends. She was my road trip buddy through college. Now that she's married and we're in different states, we've started driving long distances to visit each other. This is last weekend when she came down from SC.

Homemade Cookies

The day before Valentines Day my kids asked me to make them some cookies. So...I did. They were iced with creamy white frosting and decorated with red cinnamon candies. My 3rd graders have received a lot of gifts this year...our school has a lot of giveaways. But I think the cookies topped the list. Still, two weeks later they're talking about the cookies. "Did your mom make those cookies, Miss T.?" "Did you really make them yourself?" Even a second grader came up and told me how much she enjoyed the cookie her sister had shared with her. Who knew a little baking would go such a long way? 

Quietness and Trust

Isaiah 30:15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength.

Galatians 1:10 Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).


I had a meeting with a parent this morning and a team of three other professionals concerning her son, my student. This particular student has been struggling the whole year...basically he is not capable of performing at grade level. But he is SUCH a hard worker, and so even tempered. He is probably one of the best students in my class. I don't feel like I've done a whole lot...the only thing I have done is encourage her awkward little boy everyday in my class. There are a few teachers who outright look down on him. I never have. I believe in that little guy. He tries so hard. He and his mom have been so discouraged that he could not have had the help he needed sooner. So we've been working on things, trying to get this guy back where he needs to be. This particular mother has been through so much...cancer treatment, not enough food or money to pay the bills...etc. She broke down crying today, in the middle of our meeting...looked straight at me and thanked me for all that I've done. Her words meant so much more than an administrative opinion on the management of my classroom. It told me that this year, I was in the right place at the right time.

I've been so worried about what people think of my teaching...so worried that it has affected my teaching. I've been so concerned with formalities that I have forgotten who I am working for. I'm working for God. He should be my focus....all else flows from that...as my roomate reminded me on the way to school this morning.

I realize that most of my problems lately have stemmed from this one issue. I am looking for the favor of people around me rather than trusting in the favor of God. I have been voicing my fears, my worries, my concerns to everyone around me....getting worked up and overly concerned. And the still, quiet voice inside of me says..."Is it really that big of a deal?" I want to fight for myself, I want to be treated with respect, I want to know that I belong somewhere, that I am making a difference....and because of these things, so much fear has been coming out of my mouth. Some kind of hardness...defensiveness has crept in. It's not me.

And so, realizing this, I haven't had a lot to write because really and truly I don't want to write about it anymore. Really and truly I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go through this, get through this. I want to finally be confident in God and His favor in my life...to walk in quietness and trust...instead of strife and constant rehashing of the same frustrations.

Transformation

My roomate and I spent valentine's evening cooking dinner. While eating we began to discuss Heaven. I'm pretty convinced that I want to go there. I think about it a lot. There's a really great chapter about Heaven in Journey of Desire. I actually sat and read this chapter to Carrie last night. This is a quote from that chapter that stuck out to me, it speaks of the way that Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of Heaven and relates His stories to the fairy tales that we have been raised with:

Maybe above all they are tales of transformation

where all creatures are revealed in the end as what they truly are -

the ugly duckling becomes a great white swan,

the frog is revealed to be a prince,

and the beautiful but wicked queen is unmasked in all her uglisness.

They are tales of transformation where the ones who live happily ever after,

as by no means everybody does in fairy tales,

are transformed into what they have it in them at their best to be.

- Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner

Lately, during the middle of the day, I have found myself imagining places and stories...these pictures are so vivid that I long to just sit down and write about them...but usually I'm in the middle of teaching, so no can do. When I do actually write these things down, I want them to be stories that reflect such transformation as I quoted above.

Just random thoughts before I head to bed...

A Digital Miracle :)

About a month ago, I went to visit some very close friends and celebrate their daughter's sixth birthday. There were bubbles at the party. What happens when a two year old, bubbles and a camera get together? The bubbles won that day. The zoom was stuck, the dials no longer worked properly, the picture button no longer took pictures. L.i.q.u.i.d. damage. I was so sad...that was almost $300 down the drain....not to mention...one of my favorite past times. I went to Best Buy and they told me it would be cheaper just to buy a brand new camera rather than to get my own fixed. Dad said he would take a look at it if I brought it over, but there were no guarantees there either. In desperation I prayed over my camera and asked God to fix it; that didn't seem to do anything either. A month has gone by with it just sitting dormant in my closet.

Mom and dad showed up today, unexpectedly. I decided to pull out the camera and have dad take a look...just in case he could do something. After putting new batteries in he claimed that there was nothing wrong with the camera. WHAT? I couldn't believe it. My camera is totally fine. Now you may be thinking it was the batteries, but seriously it was not. That camera did NOT work a couple weeks ago. And now, fine. I'm so thankful. :)

Starting Over

I love the promise of things to come. I love knowing that something new is just around the corner. And deep down inside, I have to admit, that sometimes I like to let go of the old. But the truth of it all is that it's hard to start over.

Starting over means being alone for awhile. It means redefining everything I have known before. It means taking stock of who I really am, in the midst of changing circumstances.

I don't like the me I see right now.

I don't like being alone.

I don't like having to put myself out there.

Tonight, I realized again how much I have to trust God. If I want to succeed here, I have to trust that He will lead me to the right places and the right people. And when I find people I have to trust that they will not turn away. I have to be vulnerable all over again. I really can be the biggest nerd too. Ask my sister, ask some of my close friends. Knowing this makes me a little nervous. I haven't had a group of close friends to walk with in a long time. But in order to see my prayers answered I have to be available. I have to go when I am afraid to go. I have to speak when I am afraid to speak. Because, if I back away, if I stay in my quiet apartment, how will I meet anyone who will reach back to me?

I've seen it happen before. I have so many good friends around the world. In this place of starting over, I have to trust that God will be faithful to bring relationships again. I have to trust that He will continue to mold me into someone who is also able to reach out and bless the others around me. I don't feel like that person right now. But I can see her. I can see myself at peace....I am looking forward to that time and place.

Reminded

I had to push myself to go to church tonight. I had been invited by one of the ushers, an acquaintance I had made just five days earlier. It promised to be a packed out service with people my age. I was afraid to show up alone, to sit alone...to awkwardly ask two other new acquaintances if I could join their row. But the night turned out okay. Two of the guys I knew are from Rochester. We had some places and friends in common.

After church we went down to San Marco to drink some coffee. There was a girl playing her guitar with a back up cello-ist (however you spell that). Her voice sang a raw Patsy Kline as we stood in line to order our cups of coffee. It was as if we had entered a living room of sorts...couches everywhere, a television playing the Winter Olympics. The four of us squeezed into a space right next to the instruments. I could imagine myself playing out like this girl. Usually, I can't. But tonight, I wished very much for someone to turn to me and say...how about taking a spin with the guitar? How about playing us all a tune? I really think I could have done it.

This one friend had been to a few Sweet Aromas too....for those of you who remember our worship sessions on the front lawn of Starbucks every Sunday night. He said he remembered one of the twins (meaning you Jen and Wen) playing guitar and busting out the most beautiful voice. He went on and on about the sound. I don't remember a time when either of you played, and maybe you did. I don't know if it was me he remembered or not. But what I do know is that, tonight, there was such a hunger in me to play again. I wanted so much to sing a song for a crowd. I wanted so much to let it all out. The conversation led to questions of "do you play?" "do you sing too?" etc.

I began to think about my thought patterns before I moved here. I remembered telling myself that I could leave my fears behind me. I remembered telling myself that I could start all over again and confidently move towards my dreams. I remembered being glad to move away from those that I never felt accomplished enough to play in the light of. I remembered tonight as I came home to play my guitar. I began to write another song.

Deeper

This week has gotten better. Little bit by little bit. I'm learning how to quiet myself. I'm learning how to trust God. I'm seeing how the peace of my students is directly related to the peace that I carry in the classroom. Too often, I relied on the thought that the happiest of circumstances would show me what I need to know. Not true. The only word I can come up with right now is depth. God is giving me depth. He's making more room for life. I've tried all week to post...but the words are not coming. And it's not because I don't have anything to say. The verse that comes to mind is the one in Isaiah that says He quiets us with His love. I am quiet...after being humbled, after growing weary of my own pursuits. I am seeing that strength does not come through striving; strength comes in quietness and trust. God strengthen my heart in the days to come.

Sowing Tears

Another day in the life...

I cried in front of my kiddos Friday. Any teacher would tell you never to let your guard down. They would say that it shows weakness; shows that you cannot keep the control. I wasn't crying out of self pity....at least that's not how it all registered.

My kids are only 3rd graders and yet there is so much frustration already in their lives. They fight over menial words and misunderstood facial expressions. If their pride is challenged they are up in arms. They overreact to being misunderstood and yet do not seek to understand each other.

Friday, I was already tired. Tired of being observed all week long. Tired of my coaches and principal questioning whether or not I could do my job. So much so that I was beginning to question my own ability. Tired of feeling as if I will be the rookie for a long time and maybe never get this career under my belt. Wanting so much to make a difference and yet feeling that any difference I have been making has been more negative than positive. If only I was more experienced now. If only I actually knew how to organize and make learning exciting. If only I could draw the heart and talent out of these children.

And there they were all morning...arguing with one another...arguing with me. Using cutting words to make their point; using threatening remarks to manipulate their own position in the classroom. I was not enthused. I pulled C. aside...his reaction to getting in trouble is to retreat. He will not speak to me, will not look at me. And for two days he has been asking to go to another classroom. Ugh. When the girls left for CIS I pulled the boys aside for a reading activity. It didn't work...so I opened the floor for discussion...they could say anything they were feeling...as long as it wasn't cutting towards anyone in the group. Of course it was cutting though. But I had opened the floor so I let them say what needed to be said and I took notes to show them it was important.

When the girls came back in the room....it all went downhill. I could try to sit here and type out the logistics of relations but I won't. It got to the point where I couldn't even teach. I was so frustrated...and the kids were frustrated. So I pulled them together in the group area. And I began to tell them how I felt. I didn't even know what to say. I just kept praying, "God tell me what to do; intervene SOMEhow." I told them that I was frustrated. I told them how much I wanted to teach them. I told them that they didn't even know how special they were and that if they did then they wouldn't be treating each other the way that they do. And as I began to share my heart towards them I began to cry. I don't think they knew what to do. I think they started to feel the tears too by the looks on their faces. I could hear the words from other teachers, "never let them see you cry." But it had already started...and to really tell the truth...I think they needed to see it. I also apologized for not being patient with them. I told them that the Bible tells us that love is patient, and if we love each other then we should be patient with one another...etc, etc. I said a lot. I don't know how much it changed things. I really don't know.

All this to say, I don't know if I am good or not. What I do know is that I need God to intervene. After this past week of being in question at work, and going through what I've been through with the kids...the only thing that's going to show me that I'm doing a good job is the fruit of my work. It will not the be nice words and compliments by people who have not seen me teach. It will not be the overanalysis of peers or administration. It will be the actual lives of these kids played out...it will be the result of this year and the years following. Did they grow or not? Are they changed or not? Will they succeed or will they fail? How overwhelming. How humbling to know that their lives are so affected by my own. I know my shortcomings; I see my lacking work ethic. I see my ignorance and my lack of knowledge. I see the defaults of my heart. I don't know why God gave these 15 children to me. I don't know if I'm taking care of them as He would want me to. I could be doing so MUCH more...and yet I don't know how to do it. I can't even put my arms around it.