Saturday, May 29

Walking in the Morning


I spent Tuesday morning hiking trails and climbing over boulders. I had been looking forward to this time...alone, early morning, crisp mountain air. After years of coming and going from Colorado, I still do not own a spring jacket for such occasions, but I had found an extra sweatshirt in mom's suitcase and layered up.

A couple of times, I imagined a mountain lion or a bear coming out of nowhere, feeling very small and vulnerable in comparison to my surroundings. But most of the time, I was way too interested in the view...way too occupied with the thoughts that came to my mind. In open spaces the wind was cold, and when I couldn't feel my hands as much as I wanted to for the sake of taking pictures, I found a place to sit and warm up...a boulder nestled into a hillside under a very large tree. I could see Pike's Peak from where I sat. I could see a lot of things.

It was the morning of my brother's wedding. I was surrounded by beauty and love and family. I sat in the middle of a wide open place, wondering what would come next...would anything come next? And would I have to walk alone?

I sat and wondered what God saw in me...what He saw for me. Because lately, I hadn't seen anything. And I wondered, as I had for the past couple of weeks, if my story was done. A scary thought, trust me I know...but to confess this is the most honest confession I can give.

So much seemed to be lost...promises, love, dreams, plans, people, laughter, acceptance, friendship, places, hope and vision for the future...and there was no one with whom to share my sorrow.

Somewhere in the fight, I had lost sight of the beauty. I had lost sight of the shore and all hope of returning to it. Somewhere in the fight I had forgotten where I was going. I had lost all trust in my allies. Somewhere in the fight, I had become my own worst enemy...I had allowed myself to become redefined.

I am usually accepting of others. I try to love well...look past insecurities and flaws, admire unique qualities, and support the hopes and dreams of those who cross my path. Sure, I still honk and comment at the occasional person who cuts me off in traffic. I still respond in short sentences to my family when I feel stepped on. I can be less than patient when things do not go my way. Although, it is becoming less and less. I feel so guilty for hurting anyone. No one has to tell me when I've done wrong...my conscience does a good job of putting me in my place the moment a wrong word comes out of my mouth. I even apologize when I haven't done anything wrong. I can't stand the thought of being the reason for disappointment. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out. One of my biggest fears is losing someone I love without them ever knowing how much they meant to me.

But this acceptance has also been my weakness. At the heart of it all, I too am longing for acceptance. In the great effort to love, accept, support and encourage...I am hoping for the same in return. I end up dancing between fighting for the "me" I know is in there and giving up on me in hopes that the act of giving will be met by a person who will see and give back the same kind of love. But what if they do not "see"? What if they see something else, someone else? Therein lies the problem.

Instead of looking into the mirror of God's love and goodness for my definition, I have often looked into the mirror of the voices around me. Those voices are often more close and comforting and real. Those voices offer relationship too. So, I began to listen and to believe a whole lot of things. And my mind would change, sometimes on a daily basis. Until I couldn't remember the truth. I couldn't feel the truth. I could only feel confusion and hurt. I became so tired, so broken, so unaware of what my life was really meant to be. Of course, there were moments of clarity, when I fought and fought for who I was, for what I believed. It felt right at the time; like something needed to be said. But, looking back, did I really need those fighting words? They seemed to have come to nothing. All I could see was that I had given my words, my heart, my hope to someone, something other that the One who would fight for my joy and peace.

If I had only believed, in the first place, how truly important my story, my past, my experiences, my destiny was too...I wouldn't have had to ask someone else to see it...I would only have had to live it out for myself. I could have walked strong, confident, unhindered by the voices that told me who I should be, what I should believe, what my choices "really" said about me. After all, only God knows our true hearts, and that's all that should ever define us.

It was a long walk that morning...and even longer journey leading up to it. I'm not sure where to go from there either. Sweet Jesus, be my peace...and lead me in your everlasting way.

Friday, May 28

Committed

He told me that there was a time when he was unsure...and everything fell apart. There was tension, heartache, uncertainty. I remember it well.

And then everything changed. He turned back. He felt God working; he felt love renewed.

But the feelings did not always remain. There was still uncertainty, tension, pain. The difference? His commitment to see it through this time.

This is what he said, "Feelings cannot dictate to a relationship. Feelings change. Feelings can tell you things that are not true. When you set your heart to commit to someone...no matter what...that is when your love grows. Feelings, words, and actions should follow commitment and not the other way around."

When I heard him, I knew that he loved well. And although I am only his sister...I felt more loved than ever. There was a security in his words...a place to rest from any kind of fear. Thank you, brother, for taking the time to tell me that committing to love, even in the face of adversity, is the most hopeful and honest kind of love there is.

I have never heard such joy in his voice. I have never heard him laugh so much. I have never heard the certainty as I did in the days following their wedding day. He has found the treasure in loving well.

When you know that you are free, you automatically allow others their freedom. When you choose to love and to keep on loving, love has its freedom to grow and return to you. That is where the joy comes from. It is not about rules and regulations. It is not about what "he said, she said". It is less about what is being taken away and more about what can be given to increase. It is all about the realization that you are free to commit to the staying or to the going. If love is ever to be renewed it is wrapped up in these two things...freedom and commitment...hand in hand. One cannot come without the other. On their own, either one will lose their power and relationships will fall apart.

Where do you feel led to be? Where is God directing your heart? Then commit yourself to the path...no matter what the circumstances, no matter what fears, insecurities, and pain tell you to do. Commit to something, stand up for someone, even if it is just for you, even if it is for a someone you never thought you could ever forgive. See what happens then. See where love takes you. Watch yourself change and grow into a person who is truly free, into a person who brings freedom to others. And then listen as the joy rises up in your heart and the healing begins.

Sunday, May 16

My First Love

Many people called this land hopeless. I didn't hear them. The music of ancient scriptures burned through my heart. Love does not fail. Love protects, love trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I saw the seeds lying beneath the ground. I imagined the flowers in bloom. I dug my hands deep into the dirt...it was still good ground. Many years had gone by without rain. It was hard to imagine beauty in a place so hard, so adverse to the extravagant dreams of my own dear heart. But I dreamed nonetheless.

I had come from a place of eternal springs. A place where anything is possible. Where old men can be young again. A place where the dead come back to life. A place where lost souls find their hope. Where sickness is gone. Where lovers find peace. Where questions find their answers. Where tears are turned to joy. A place, with a Creator, who loves...who creates...who gathers...who speaks. And when He speaks, something comes to life...where nothing had existed before. I came from a place where all things are made new.

No matter what anyone else told me...this barren land had hope. And I embraced it, calling it my very own. I sang and danced as if the most beautiful gift had been given to me. This, this is what I had been created for. I heard the sounds of my own heart beating. I saw my dreams come alive. A rose garden here, an oak tree there...a field to the left...and to the right a most beautiful vegetable garden. And closest to where I stood an open area to gather my friends and entertain strangers. Walking paths, a trellis. Children laughing. I had even bought a new dress to wear.

I did not expect the land to fight against me. Thorns and thistles began to crowd out the seeds I had so lovingly planted. I did not expect the rains, that I had loved since my birth, to flood rather than soak into the ground. The ground was so hard and cracked, unwilling to be refreshed by what it so desperately needed. I chided myself for not preparing well enough. I cried for the lack of knowledge in comparison to the voice of great dreams inside of my head.

I longed for a companion to help me rather than to offer the advice of giving up. I didn't want an easy, ready-made piece of property. I wanted something real, something worth the sweat and tears. I wanted a story. I wanted character and depth. I wanted to laugh and say, "I don't remember the pain, it was worth it in the end." There were some friends, who would stay for awhile. I am grateful for the tears that they cried with me; for the stories of hope and the words of life that they brought to my door. But they each had their own land too. Some were at the very beginning, some had enough trouble of their own, others were enjoying the fruit of their labor. And I could not hold them back to stay with me. Eventually, I was alone again.

Until I remembered my Creator. The one who had sent me here. The one who had given me a heart to love this land. The one who had given me the strength thus far. He had been good to me. He was the one who made me fall in love with the work of redemption, with the miracle of seeing something come from nothing. He was the one who told me that all would be well, that He would make all things new. I finally told Him, that I had tried. I had tried so hard. I told Him, that I was tired. I asked Him why He hadn't come sooner. I asked Him what in the world He was trying to do. I was angry with the thought that He would knowingly lead me to love a place that was doomed from the start. Or even worse, ask me to love and dream, only later to ask me to walk away as if it was never mine in the first place. What kind of Creator plays that sort of game with the heart? And then I wondered if He had led me here at all. I wondered if I hadn't picked it out for my very self and used Him to make my dreams come true. What was really true about this place? What was really true inside of me?

I stood there, staring at the sky. Wearing my new dress. Feeling as if I had only just awoke from a dream. A dream, that upon awakening, left me wanting to go back and change the course of all that had happened. And I wondered where everyone had gone, and how I had gotten here. I wondered where home was, and if anyone would come for me. I wondered how this barren land could ever become new. I wondered if anyone would ever see the hope that was alive in my heart. In that moment, I wanted so badly to run without ever looking back...and I longed to stay and start all over again. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" I cried...not knowing if I was screaming to the circumstances, or to the intents of my own heart.

The rains came down harder. The silence was deafening. All was lost.

And how long had it all been lost really? I was faced with the most terrifying questions. In the end, what had been worse, losing the land or misplacing my love for the Creator who held all of it in His hands? After all, it was not the land I had not been created for had it? I had been created for Him...the Creator...and that made all of the difference.

I stood there reminded of the ancient words...If we lose all, we still have Him. But without Him, we have nothing at all.

Matthew 10:39

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.


Revelation 2:2-5
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

Tuesday, May 11

Community in Action


I have met some incredible people here in Nashville. People who do not just talk about changing the world...they live it out...one day at a time, in so many different ways. People who are not consumed by living just "The American Dream". People who are reaching beyond their comfort zones to bring relief, hope, comfort, and love to those who do not have it at all. Unselfish people. Serving people. People with stories of their own despair...turned into hope...turned into healing words and hands.

For instance, there's the Monday night homeless outreach...a group of friends who for a little more than a year now have gotten together once a week and served a meal to the homeless population downtown. It's called People Loving Nashville.


Then, there's Journey Ecclesia which I have found myself so thankful to be a part of. There are so many artists and creative people all working towards simply knowing God and expressing His love to both local and worldwide communities. Even on Sundays there will always be teams out serving somewhere...in nursing homes, local schools and businesses, visiting people who are in need of help.


I live in the Volunteer State. And this past week has been nothing short of seeing the reality of this given nickname. So many people have been out on the streets, helping neighbors, friends, and even strangers. I have heard so many stories that bring hope rather than despair. How many of us know that in our time of greatest despair, hope often comes when someone will come along side of us and help us to pick up the pieces? Here are some pictures from the flood last week.

Not to mention so many more personal experiences in this past year. There have been days recently when I am overwhelmed with the kindness of my friends and family. I have seen a community surround and bless and pray in ways that I have never seen before. I can see God in the love of people, without a word ever being spoken. I can see Him at work everywhere. It's so beautiful. I hardly have words to express my thankfulness at being able to experience such things. No wonder the Bible talks about not giving up on each other. We need each other...in the good times and especially in the bad.

The following is my new favorite blog. ---> Global Support Mission I don't know Jeremy too well, but enough to know that he is a catalyst for opening people's eyes to what is really going on in the world. He is the U.S. Programs Director for an organization called Know.Think.Act. This organization raises awareness and direct support for communities in need around the world. I have posted a video below of only one of the many stories. Enjoy. Hopefully, you too are finding ways to bless your community and bring hope to those around you. It doesn't take much...the littlest thing goes a very long way.


Deborah's Story from Global Support Mission on Vimeo.


Proverbs 11:25
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Friday, May 7

Worth Fighting For

Sometimes, all hope seems lost. Sometimes, it seems like the whole world is caving in. Sometimes, everything you have worked for falls apart. At those times, it is good to remember that we are not alone. There is a God who loves us and who is going to make all things right in the end. Read this ---> Revelation 21:3-7

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

Wednesday, May 5

Buddy


Everyone should have a happy face to meet them at the door. This was the face that met Kim and I this week.

Buddy came to us during the Nashville storm. We opened our apartment door Sunday morning and before we knew it we had a wet, but very friendly, puppy dog in our living room. He quickly insisted upon staying. So what else could we do but invite him on our trip to the grocery store during a break in the rain. We picked up dog food and treats, along with some shampoo. Throughout the week he has entertained our friends, eaten food from our plates, pulled us along for walks in the neighborhood, curled up beside us at night, barked for the whole neighborhood to hear when we had to leave him at home.

Today, Buddy happily jumped in the car with Kim's cousin unafraid of his next adventure. They have another dog and a big backyard. After some searching Kim and I have no idea where "Buddy" came from, and we are not ready for the joys of pet ownership at this point in our lives. We know he'll be happy in his new home.