He told me he loved me today. It was in the midst of tears that I heard his words. Because my circumstances now are the results of choices that I have made, they were tears of regret and pain, tears that told of my frustration for the way things had turned out to be.

I want so much to please him. But do I want to please him for my own good or for the mere fact of blessing his heart? Is pleasing him my way of gaining self satisfaction and security or do I really long for him to smile and to feel as if I genuinely care about HIM. "How pure are my motives?" I wonder.

I find every day that I cannot live without him . I have to know what he thinks. I have to hear him laugh. And so, the things that I loved before, the things that I valued are fading. And it hurts.

Because I have made a choice, something has to die. But I would die if I did not choose him. I am sure of that. And today, when he said "I love you", I knew he saw the hurt, I knew he saw the battle for my heart. And then I was sure that he really did love me. Because love sees the hardness and the flaws and the turning away and yet it chooses to press on. Love chooses to continue walking through to the other side. Love is hope for another day, when the hurts will be healed and the choice that seemed wraught with death was the choice that ultimately restored life.

So I decided today, that I would press on. I decided to wait for the promises he has made. In the deaths of this past season he has brought life to me and I can see no other choice but him. I am leaving people and places and desires behind me. But I know that choosing his love is going to be worth it all.

I love him too.