I ran across this quote tonight on a friend's away message:

then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-anais nin

For quite some time now, I have been painfully aware that home is not what it used to be. The location has changed, the childhood securities remain only in my memory, and the people I love have grown and moved on with their lives. Nothing is the same. But I long for it as if it was only down the street or around the corner from where I am living now.

It seems that I have almost forgotten that I am allowed to be home. I have lived in transition for quite a few years and have found myself displaced from a real house and a real family. I have forgotten what it is like to live near family, to have four walls to call my own, and to be in a place where I truly belong and am certain that I want to pour my heart and life into. I have forgotten that such things exist and that they are not just for people I know, but for me too.

There is a line from a movie (that I cannot remember the name of at this moment) that continues to play over and over in my head. It is spoken by a character who is talking about returning home, "only to no home I'd ever been". This plays constantly in my head, and I mull it over thinking...what does it really mean?

I keep asking where my home is. Is it here? Is it there? Is it in a place that I have not yet been to? And from a Christian viewpoint, we should all know the answer...our ultimate home is with God. If we are longing for home, it is because we were created to be at home with Him. I know that. But even though I totally look forward to the wonder of Heaven, right here and right now, I am saying, "God WHERE do I belong?"

And so, quietly, I have been searching my heart for what is truly important. And what I have discovered is that the most important thing to me is relationships. At this point in my life, I have the opportunity to transplant myself and pursue relationships anywhere I so desire. Not ties, no strings attached. And so I have done an inventory of my relationships...here in Tulsa, back in NY, around the United States. And even though all are important to me, and even though I love each person for who they are and have been in my life, I have come to the conclusion that God has given me my family for a reason and I need to be with them the most.

Tonight, I have decided to return home. Home is where my family is. It is not a location, it is not a house, it is not a job. Home is the containment of the people I love, and that is exactly where I want to be...with them.

It is time to spread my wings and to trust God once again.