This past week, I came upon a surprising recognition. It was during a late night conversation with a fellow teacher (and new friend) over hot chocolate and a Krispy Kreme donut. We were talking about relationships and comparing where we are at in age to where we thought we'd actually be. And then she said (in paraphrase) that she really admired how content I seem to be in spite of the fact that I'm going on 26 and still not even close to being married.

It reminded me of a moment about 6 years ago when I was visiting my very single, yet very happy with her life, 27 year old friend. I remember praying, "God, pllleaasse don't let it take that long for me to meet Mr. Right." I never thought I'd be looking at 26 the way she had seen 27 and 28 and 29 before she finally met the man she would marry. I never wanted to think about being single for that long.

Yet, here I am and I am totally happy about it. I don't WANT to get married just to get married anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship just to have someone to talk about or just to have someone to talk to. I love having friends. I love traveling. I love reading a book for hours a day. I love being able to change my plans at any moment. I love having time to just sit and reflect and play music. I love being able to spend money on whatever I want to spend it on. I love having freedom to live my life.

I have been on the other side. The side where everything I loved and cherished was squelched and locked up in a place that I felt obligated to turn away from. All in the name of "love". I let another person decide for me what was important and put my own feelings, thoughts, and dreams in the background. I proclaimed to myself that what I wanted did not matter as much as making the relationship work. And all that time, I never realized, that I was not loving myself enough and, therefore, could not fully love that person either. No, I never want to go back to that place.

Do I want to get married? YES
Do I want to have my own family? YES

But not until it is right. Not until I know that we'll be the very best of friends and enjoy our lives together. Not until I see that he is the one God had in mind when He created me.