Monday, March 27

Coming to the End

The tears came tonight. Actually, they've shown up a lot recently. But tonight, after talking with mom...I couldn't hold them back anymore. And then my roomate came out and I made her cry with all my crying.

I want so badly to know Christ. I mean know Him. Not just know about Him. I've grown up with Him, tasted His life, seen His goodness. But I feel like I'm missing something. I feel empty, worn out, who I am is not enough to even get His attention.

And the thing is...I can't live like that. I can't live going through the motions. I am seeing a great big empty world and I can't even do anything about it. I have friends who do not know Him. I know people who are full of sickness and hurts that need to be healed. And I want to SEE them saved, healed, set free...FULL of the life of God. But how can I do that if I am not full of the life of God?

By the world I am seen as "conservative"...quoted by a guy I had a good conversation with the other night while line dancing. By my best friend, who is in full time ministry, I am seen as a liberal Christian. I go out and blend in. And it's all the name of relationship. I go out with the teachers b/c I want to form relationships with them. I've always done that...since way back in high school. But what am I doing that's different? What am I doing that shows the life of God? What in me is drawing them to Christ? Right now...there is nothing that I can see.

And my kids. 15 hungry little hearts....waiting to be ministered to, taught every day. I feel like I'm letting them down...letting God down.

I am not FULL of life. I feel so sad, quiet, so focused on ME. The Bible says that it is the relationships between God and the gentiles that will move the Jews to jealousy. There is nothing in my life worth being jealous of.

When I was young my biggest question was..."If I was standing on a stage in front of the world, how would everyone understand my words in their own language?" I seriously pondered that. And then I would think about how to invite my neighborhood for Bible studies in my backyard. The thought of both of those things scares me now. In the back of my mind I don't think I know God enough. I don't think I'm walking in His fullness. I'm so afraid of using Him and never really knowing Him.

I need more of God. I don't want to minister to ANYone until the life of God dwells in me richly. Otherwise it is, so empty.


pip said...

i remember when we were planning our trip to oneday. i remember how unworthy i felt. how unable, unintelligent and incapable of doing what we were dreaming, what we were seeing. but the vision was there.

and as we walked towards the dream that God had given us... personally, i fell more times than i could count... but as we walked, the joy, the life, the things we needed came at the moment we needed them.

and look at the change that those silly little steps we took as we planned oneday, and SAM, look at the changes it made.

you've been given the vision april. and ive no doubt that the life, the thingss, the abilities, words, skills... everyhting you will need will be there when you need them.

you're too important to God for anything less:)

joey said...

Hey April... it's been a long time since i've blogged or read ur blog... this post speaks so much... and it really echoes feelings that i had and even now am still struggling with... walking in intimacy with God.

With God, there's no end... but a path full of promises... full of love... Isaiah 41:9-10... He has called you. You are precious in His eyes... nothing can change that. Hugs.