Saturday, December 31

Come Out of the Waiting


Well, this is a day for posting I guess. :)

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but after two weeks of resting and contemplating and dreaming again, I have come to the conclusion that it's time to actually record my music. I received this picture in the mail from one of my close friends. When I sang in her wedding, all I remember is being totally fine until it came to my time to sing. And THEN I was nervous. I'm not sure how it sounded, but I'm thinking it was a little shaky. Ugh. Anyways, when I looked at the picture it wasn't the nervousness that I remembered, it was my love of playing and being able to share with others.

I've been waiting around for only God knows what....and, of course, nothing has happened. So to those six of you who have been waiting for me to finally record my stuff, it is my new goal for the year. So if you have suggestions as to equipment and software, it would be much appreciated. This is an add on my post a few days ago. I'm going to take what I have and do what I can do. Only then can I move on to something more or something else, and probably something I never even expected.

Romance

"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of - something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest - if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself - you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
~C.S. Lewis (quoted in The Sacred Romance)
To all of you who seek the same, may your New Year find you walking with Christ.
May you hear His voice, see His eyes, and know His heart.

Friday, December 30

This Year

This year, I...
turned 26

celebrated valentines day with 20 kingdergarteners
taught children how to read
started teaching 3rd grade
had my first disagreement with a parent (at school)
managed 26 students in one classroom
attended numerous workshops
observed the life cycle of frogs (from start to finish...well, basically)

wrote three songs
sang in a wedding
bought a piano
took guitar lessons
read books by Eldridge, C.S. Lewis, Nouwen, Bin Laden, God
went to the music store and listened to the music of guys I knew in college
brainstormed business ideas with my sister

learned how to salsa

enjoyed dancing for the first time in my life
was invited to mexico city
was inspired to really pursue Spanish and finally become fluent
went to Catholic mass
attended my roommate's graduation and felt like I graduated all over again

bought a digital camera
took a road trip from OK to FL to SC to NY to PA to NC and back to FL
visited dallas, l.a., nashville, philly, savannah, rochester, greenville
stood on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean
stood on the shores of the Pacific Ocean
got pulled over for the first time (received a warning for my headlight)
watched sharks get caught off the pier near my new apartment (scary thought!)

saw my brother three times
graduated to friend and colleague of my college professor (not just her student)
watched my "second family" grow to 6 children and spent lots of time loving them
held quite a few new babies of friends that I knew even before they were together
helped my sister and her best friend get to ORU...so excited for them!
came upon an accident and did not see the person survive
saw two soldier friends return safely home from Iraq
reconnected with a friend from primary school
gained a sister (kaitlyn...lived with us for 5 months)

said goodbye to tulsa
moved to florida (along with my goldfish)
lived with my parents
found a new church home
moved into a new apartment

joined MySpace and found friends that I've been looking for for years (and vice versa)
made a few new friends in Florida
joined 2 online relationships sites
met people on those sites
took my profile offline
decided to wait awhile and see what God does
paid way too much in cell phone bills
broke my record for text messages

laughed, cried
felt lonely
struggled
have missed people I love in NY and in Tulsa

asked, "how did i get here?" "am I supposed to be here" "what's going on?"
hoped for new opportunities
dreamed of more
told the truth
prayed for and with friends and family
heard God's voice
went out on a few dates
let go of a few relationships

found healing
learned to trust God more.

Blueprint

I am currently reading three books, which I would highly recommend to anyone.
The Wounded Healer, The Sacred Romance, and Captivating.


I talked with a dear friend last night. She shared some frustrations. I listened closely. And although she may have thought that she was the only one feeling the way she did, every word she shared echoed in my own heart. And this was the question that I continued to ask even after we hung up the phone. "How do we know when loving a person requires us either to hang on or to let go?"

Look around, how many people in this world actually stay anymore? I look around and I see parents quitting their children, teachers quitting their students, friends quitting one another, husbands leaving wives, wives cheating on husbands, lovers of Christ turning their back on the church and their faith. Why do we leave one another? Why do we look the other way? Is it easier? Does it mean that we'd rather look out for ourselves rather than the ones we promised to love?

Where is the line? When are we compromising all we hope for in Christ and when are we compromising our own dreams in order to gain Christ and share His love with others?

Are they one and the same? I don't think so. I think at some point God will call us out of our comfort zone. I believe He will challenge us to stay commited to people and places we would rather not. I believe that He will cause us to grow in those circumstances. And in those places He will bring joy and blessing. But I also believe God gives us other challenges...such as discerning the call He has placed in our hearts, such as loving others without necessarily pleasing them, such as letting go when we feel obligated or comfortable enough to hold on.

I believe God calls us to faith. And walking in faith will challenge us to trust God for every relationship, for every circumstance, for every decision. There is no formula. God is God. He does not live in a box. But He has placed His blueprint in our hearts. That is where we find Him; that is how we follow the mystery that beckons to us when we are most unsure, when we are questioning what should seem right and secure and yet only feels like a sentence to death. The blueprint leads us to life.

God, give us the eyes and the courage to follow what you alone have placed within our hearts. Help us to see when loving someone requires us to stay and when it requires that we let them go.

Sunday, December 25

Florida Meets Tradition

3am...Christmas morning...Santa has still not arrived. Figures, he must know we're out of Christmas cookies.

Every year, my parents have a tradition of putting an orange in the bottom of our stockings. I think the whole thing stems back to our polish roots. Anyways, for some reason the parents have been forgetting about Christmas stockings these past couple of years. So although I have no idea where the stockings are, I have sought out the best Florida Orange fruit stand I could find...or maybe just the most convenient...and we're back in the tradition. Tonight, there are four oranges ready and waiting under the tree. Josh, don't think you're out of the running either, your orange is on its way. :)

As I was wrapping presents tonight I was listening to one of those old school, southern gospel radio stations. Once in awhile, it doesn't bother me to listen to the Gaithers for awhile....anyways, the news report came on and here is what I heard, in paraphrase: "A large number of Christian tourists have been reported to be visiting Bethlehem this Christmas. Many have been touched to see the actual place of Jesus' birth. The problem seems to be that there are so many tourists, it's hard to find a hotel room in Bethlehem." Hmmm....go figure. :)

As I sign off I am headed to sit by the Christmas tree. Have just arrived home tonight, there's a certain peace about it that's calling me to sit before I head to bed. How easy it is to forget the reason for celebrating this holiday. How easy to get so caught up in tradition and culture.

May God open all of our eyes to the wonder of Christmas. May the sound of His coming be louder than the sounds that so easily entangle us.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Tuesday, December 20

Abide

I went to church Sunday night. I hadn't planned to, but five minutes before 6pm I thought to myself, "well, why not?" Church is only about five minutes down the road so I wasn't very late. And wouldn't you know that there was a reason for my being there?

Everything I wrote about and all of things I have been wrestling with were addressed during the service. Simply. Amazing. I never cry when it seems like the right moment to cry. But last night I was crying in my seat simply because God was moving on my heart.

The missionary who spoke shared about David being anointed three separate times in his life. David did not go after the men who came to anoint him. Those men came to him because they were sent by God. David didn't have to become king in his own strength. God had already appointed him to be king and brought it to pass in His own time.

All of a sudden, I realized that I have been striving for things in my own strength and understanding. If God has called it to pass then it WILL come to pass...whether it is a relationship or a ministry or a career opportunity or whatever. God's will is God's will and if we abide in Him we will not miss what He has purposed for our lives.

I have not been trusting Him like I should. I have been planning my own life and I have been afraid when I have not seen my plans come to pass. What a difference it has made today just to trust God to take care of my life and bring me to place He wants me to be and to bring the people into my life that He has called to be there.

All I have to do is abide in Him.

Friday, December 16

Musical Interlude

Our class Christmas party was today. We had pizza and just about every snack food you could think of. I let the kids take their own portions...then realized I should have said something when I saw mountains of chips and bowls full of candy. These kids love food and they love to party.

I decided to print out Christmas music last night and take my guitar in to sing Christmas carols this morning. Umm..note to self...never attempt to play without practicing...we ended up singing carols acapella. :) I told the kids that I had never played Christmas music before, but that I usually played my own songs. So they begged me to play a song I had written. And there I was with another teacher, a guest reader, and all 26 kids together thinking, well, I did get myself into this. (and secretly I do want to play more often.) I warned them first that I only really know "church" songs. They still begged to hear one...even the other teacher. The guest reader is the son of a woman who is very high up on the school board here in the city...so obviously I was a little nervous knowing how church and public schools seem to get along these days. But I played and they loved it. Nothing like bringing Jesus to the classroom. :)

A couple of my girls asked why didn't I want to be a singer? I told them that secretly I do want to sing. The two of them smiled and said I could be a singer or a music teacher....I could even go on American Idol and they were sure that I'd win.

I sat here tonight and played, it's actually been a couple of months since I've had the guitar out. I really do wish that I had the right venue to further this music inside of me.

The best part of today was seeing my kids excited about the guitar. I often think to myself...if only they had the resources to learn an instrument. What would they do? They each got five minutes of alone time with my guitar. It was probably the best five minutes of the day for each of them by the smiles on their faces...and to tell you the truth...they were pretty good at sharing their turns.

The whole experience makes me reflect back to four years ago, fall semester at ORU. I had finally decided that I wanted to be a teacher. But what kind of teacher? I contemplated it, prayed about it, called my mom and talked for hours about it...but finally settled on the fact that music was to be my educational field. I was so excited and so full of hope as I walked into the music department and signed my name to papers that would get me into the music program. And then the question was asked, "What is your instrument?" i.e. "What instrument have you mastered?" I chose my voice because although I could play the guitar when leading worship, I was not that skilled. Dr. Pierce...called me into the piano room...had me sing scales (which I still loathe to this day)...and decided right away that I was not fit for the music program. I was crushed of course. But Dr. Robbins, he pulled me into his office and asked me theory questions, with which I actually did okay answering. He was kind about the whole thing and honest, saying that the music program would be a challenge, but I could do it if I worked hard. I left his office concerned about my future. I still remember what he said as I left his office, "April, the Lord is with you." I didn't make it into the music program. I didn't even make tryouts to be in the chapel choir.

And yet, there is music inside of me.

I took voice lessons about a year later. My voice teacher said, "April, you have a gift that you have buried, you need to bring it out." So I sang and I practiced. A year after that, I took guitar lessons and still dreamed of what it would be like if I could share. I just bought a piano and play at least a few times a week. What I know, I have learned through experimenting in the music rooms at college and through short seasons of basic piano lessons right after high school. Mostly, I just improv...but it sounds good, if I do say so myself.

I have friends who have made it in the music arena, who are able to just get out and share in small corners of the world. And I just don't know HOW. I think I've been waiting for someone to show me how to get out there. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get out there and actually do something with this gift. I wonder if I'll get better or if it will just fade away.

All this to say, I thought about music again today. I thought about touching the hearts of children and people and bringing them to a place beyond themselves. I thought about God's presence in the midst of worship. And I wondered if maybe there is still something more that I need to see...something that connects the life I am living now (or my understanding of it) to the life of God and His purposes for me.

When I was about 7 my grandparents had a guitar in their church building. I would take that guitar under a shade tree and pretend that I knew how to play. It was not until ten years later that I actually learned. But I still remember those summer days in my grandparents backyard...dreaming, singing. I still feel like that little girl in so many ways...not knowing what's ahead, but knowing that it must be some great adventure...not quite sure that I had what it takes, but still confident that at right time and place I could play an important part.

God unlock these dreams and show me how to walk. Help me to speak those things that be not as though they are. Help me, Lord, to do what you are calling me to do and to let go of the things that hold me back. Help me to see as you see.

For we walk by faith, and not by sight.
2Corinthians5:7

Monday, December 12

One Dollar

The week of Secret Santa gifts has arrived. Our maximum daily allowance? One dollar.

Who knew that so many stores actually still sold things for one dollar?! I haven't even gone to the dollar store this week and I have managed to buy candles, candy, cute little Christmas decorations. Okay, so plus tax it's been a little more...but seriously...I normally have the feeling that I need to spend lots of money to put together cute little gifts....not so this time around. It has actually been a fun challenge to see what I can get for a buck. I feel like a kid all over again, wondering how far I can spread my money.

Tuesday, December 6

I Want to be a Cartoon

A few of my boys were having a serious conversation about their futures today. They were sharing their drawings with each other, which happens quite often. I'd have to say that they are pretty talented for their age. W. spoke up saying he wanted to be a teacher when he got older. C. responded, "You want to be a TEACHer?" "Yeah, like Mr. McD. the math teacher," said W. Charlie looked right at him, "man, you should teach art...you're good at it." "No way," W. said seriously. All of a sudden, a little guy in the class with dreads pulled up in awkward ponytails, glasses, and an unbalanced walk, passed by the table. He said very confidently, "Well, I want to be a cartoon!" The serious conversation stopped, we all looked at each other and laughed. After pulling this little guy back to the table we decided that he could do voice overs and be the inspiration for a cartoonist's illustrations. I'm glad at least a few of them still have the ability to think outside of the box. :)