How do we have hope when we do not understand? What do we believe, when what we believed does not come to pass. I've been asking God, asking Him for the truth.
He is answering. There is this deep question in me. It is very closely attached to my desire to be married. Because a majority of what I've thought about during my lifetime is the relationship I will share with someone someday, the days when I will start my own family, the places we will go, the life we will share. I've never doubted that it would happen...year after year...through broken hearts and disappointments...through friendships and beautiful moments. But in this past year especially, I have seen that it can be gone in a moment. I have seen that God could send someone, the biggest desire of my heart...and then he could disappear sooner that I would have wanted or imagined.
I'm here this week visiting with friends who are really more like family. And this thing has come upon them. They have lost their father, their husband...a man, a pastor in the prime of his life. And the thing is they prayed for healing, they prayed for a different answer. But he went home anyways.
So what do we believe? And how do we move forward? I know God has a plan. I know He will work all things together for good. So many testimonies have come out of this time...salvations even. I know God has been and will continue to strengthen this family. I know they will rise from the ashes of this time.
I am learning to live my life with open hands. Allowing God to weave His story. Letting go even when I do not think it should be time. Holding on to Jesus, the only security, the only safe place in this world. Everything will change. We will say goodbye. We will turn around and miss someone we love. But God is still good. He is still speaking. He is still moving us forward, bringing life with every breath. And we have to trust Him...that His plans are better, that His ways are higher...that He loves us more than we could ever know.
And someday we will understand. Someday we will find joy in the tears that He has collected. What a beautiful and mysterious journey we are all asked to take. I have always wanted to travel with a friend. But I am finding that the only friend who will stay from the beginning to the end is God Himself. And I want to know Him more. I want to stand secure in His love and say, "No matter what, I am with you."