Questions and Answers

So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.

I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.

But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.

We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?

If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.

I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.