I knew it would happen...the moment that I made the decision. I knew it would come to making the same choice again and again. I knew that I would have to let go. I knew that I would have to start all over again. And yet I chose this road. Not because I knew all the answers. Not because it seemed the prettiest or the best. But only because it was the road that brought pure life to my heart.
Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?
It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.
I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.
We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.
My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.
My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.
I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)