And I didn't even know it.
It started like this...well, maybe I'll skip that part....it's a story all of us have lived at one point or another. Right? Some kind of disappointment, some kind of broken promise, some kind of broken heart along the way.
And so I guess at one point or another I had picked up the belief that vulnerability equals rejection. Enter independence.
It's nice to be on my own. I don't have anyone to answer to. I make my own decisions, spend my own money, keep my own thoughts, fill my own time. I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions. I don't have to be afraid that I will cause disappointment or disapproval. I can be my own girl...follow where the wind takes me next. It's very safe and very lonely all at the same time.
But total independence is not the way we were meant to live. I had been wondering about that. I had been asking if I would spend the rest of my life on my own....missing something but not quite able to put my finger on it...hoping for something but never really finding its attainment. I was about to resign to it...almost feeling better because then at least I wouldn't have to face my imperfections in the reflections of someone else's opinion. I wouldn't have to risk getting left behind...ever again.
I have been afraid.
And now I am being asked to face this fear...not so much in words but in the events that have come to pass. I just keep thinking...won't it be nice when I am loved in light of all of my imperfections? Won't it be nice when I can speak without fear of retaliation?
All this to say. I look forward to seeing the other side....to knowing the perfect love of God that casts out all fear. I look forward to believing that love has come to stay.