Tuesday, November 10

The End

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

No comments: