Holding On

For the past two days I have not been able to find my favorite pair of brown boots. I have looked everywhere. I can't find them. I have a favorite math book that I have been so excited to use with my kids in the classroom. Ever since my last sub, I cannot find it anywhere. I have looked almost every day for two weeks. I'm sitting here tonight with the sound of emptiness. The Christmas lights are shining, my mac is singing Peter Bradley Adams, a phone call, a few texts, and an overwhelming feeling of a weekend all alone.

Rob Bell said that most people have not allowed the empty place to open up inside of them. I am trying to let it open up. I don't know what that looks like though or what to do once it is opened. When he was speaking Wednesday night, all I could think about was the homeless people sitting outside...and how I wanted them to come in...or maybe I wanted to go sit with them. They were my Monday night friends, and now Mondays are a closed door. And I struggled with hearing the message of how suffering brings out creativity...how suffering shapes us...how we are not alone, how we have a God who came and screamed alongside of us. I struggled because I wanted to be outside in the cold, sitting with the people who have been placed on my heart this year...not in a room hearing how the suffering I was going through was good for me.

All of this loss. And I think the reason it is so hard at this time of year...is because this time of year is about relationships and being with the ones you love and loving better. Such a magnified time of relationship and love.

From just about everyone I hear...write, sing, embrace it and let God use it. And to that I say, I no longer chase the dream...it is chasing me. I have written one song. One, since this whole ordeal began. It's lyrics are pure and honest...full of the weight that any song should have the responsibility of carrying. But I drag my feet honestly. I don't want the music. I don't want the exposure. I don't want it...if I have to go at it alone. I sang for World Relief last night...sang to the nations...and it was a beautiful opportunity and experience. But I didn't want to carry my guitar into the cold air and drive home in the silence. I didn't want to sit with facebook in my quiet apartment. There was no reason to make dinner for myself...so I made chili for 70 people the next day.

I am so aware of loss. So much so that I see it in my students. I understand what they are going through. So young...they are dealing with death, violence, deportation, family separations, losing friends, moving...not to mention being a kid and learning who they are in the world. And I just have realized that if I am so blessed to have resources and tools and faith to make me stronger...and it's still this hard...how in the world are they carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is the issue we will begin to face in my class...the issue of making it through, of holding on to hope, of finding a way to cope and healing and finding the good in every situation.

I have not shared anything personal with my students. I just haven't had the heart to. They still believe that all is well, and life is as it was in their teacher's world. But they are so in tune...so in tune with the changing of the seasons. Without being too explicit, I will say that although they do not know...they know...and they have drawn me pictures of hope this week.

We are helping each other through. One my students said today, "I don't want to go home. I want to stay with you." I kind of felt that way too.



"Miss T., this is all of us hugging you. And this is --- running to get in the picture."









Me: "Why did you draw this?"
Student: "I don't know...it's a broken heart and then it came back together. The butterflies are for love."














We read "The Purple Balloon" with the school counselor today. "The two heart balloons are going up to the sun so that they can shine."















(abstract but I see a sunrise)