Graduation weekend is upon us....that means one roomate down, two more to go. :( And this is only one small corner of our apartment!

I took these a couple days ago right before a thunderstorm. 

Okay, cloud pictures may be a bit boring, but when I really figure out this camera, I might be able to better capture how beautiful these storm clouds are. I mean they are incredible this time of year! These are not tornado clouds...I asked just to make sure...as I always do when a storm is brewing. If I do happen upon scary tornado clouds in rotation(but let's hope that I don't) I'll pass the proof along to those of you who do not live in these parts. :)

"if I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" since "creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists"

C.S. Lewis ~ Mere Christianity

My heart is overwhelmed with desire. A desire to be home. A desire to truly love and to be loved. A desire to walk in peace and to know that my life serves a purpose. And it must be true that such things exist. God help me to see your goodness and to wait for You. Help me to walk away from those things that only speak but never fulfill.

I need a hug....

a great big, reasurring, I really mean it, all is well type of hug.

Embarassing moment of the day: "So this teacher walked into a bar"....a monkey bar that is. I walked right into the monkey bars this afternoon...full force and hard enough to knock me to the ground. :P And since teachers don't usually cry on the playground, I held my own. But now I have this incredibly large bump on my forehead, and I kind of wish I could use it as an excuse for an extra day off. Surprisingly, none of my kids saw and neither did any other teachers. The moment was all my own. Kind of hard to miss a teacher with two foreheads though.... :(

Mom sent me a fork in the mail. Here's the story behind this random incident...

Keep Your Fork

I love these good old fashioned reminders. :)

Quotes of the day

"Miss T., does this guy have his license? I keep bumping my head!"

~K.C. (riding in the front seat of the bus enroute to our field trip destination)

"Let's keep moving. We're on a tight schedule."

~K.W. (line leader of the day)

"Miss T., I love you!"

~K.C. (randomly throughout our field trip today...this kid sure knows how to make a teacher smile)

Maybe you had to be there, but I think I have the cutest kids when it comes to one liners. I wish I could remember everything these kindergarteners say. :)

Erin, Jilli, and me playing with my new camera. :) Soon, we will all be living in different states.

Yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that God sees our hearts and knows even our unspoken requests. I randomly ended up at Starbucks last night with my roomate before she went to her class. As I was sitting and looking out the window I realized that my friend A., who I have not seen in a year, was walking in the door. She was another friend who had attended the church that I left last summer. We had both lost touch and I truly thought I would never see her again. A. is never on this side of town and had stopped in to see a friend on his shift. After my roomate left, we ended up spending the rest of the evening catching up with each other. It was as if no time had passed at all. She too is moving on with her life...in two short weeks she will moving out of state. It was comforting to hear of her new opportunities and to help her pack up a bit. It was like God knew just how much I longed to see her, and he made sure it happened even without our planning it. What a set up. :)

Speaking of friends, I had an incredible time this past Saturday catching up with some old friends from the Cracker Barrel days. J. just returned from Iraq and invited me out for a BBQ. I was a little leary of any drama that might take place between a few of us and almost didn't go. But instead of drama the peace of God was evident. This post could be an add-on to the bonfire post a couple of weeks ago...same kind of thing. Relationships are precious, a necessity for sharing the love of Christ with those around us. I caught up with C. who is about to head back to the west coast. I played my guitar with J.'s roomie. I hugged and chatted with P.'s new girlfriend...lol...much better than I had hoped for. :) All night long, I kept thinking...heaven must be a bit like this. There was a peace that pervaded us that night. My heart just loved the people around me as we shared about our lives and ate steak off the grill. I didn't want the evening to end.

Although my last post spoke of disappointment I have to admit that truly God has blessed my relationships. I look forward to the future as this season ends and a new one begins. There is a newfound freedom in my life. I can live freely before God and still love people where they are. At the same time, I can love people where they are and still live freely before God.

"How many an artist has been crushed in a family that prefers a 'rational' approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our early world saw our glory and affirmed it?...These blows aren't random or incidental. They strike directly at some part of the heart, turn the very thing God created to be a source of celebration into a source of shame. And so you can at least begin to discover your glory by looking more closely at what you were shamed for. Look at what's been assaulted, used, abused.

As Bernard of Clairvaux declared, 'Throught the heart's wound, I see its secret.'"

~John Eldredge - Waking The Dead~

Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalms 34:5

Well, they made it. After three days of traveling Mom, Dad, and all the animals have come to their destination. I felt such a peace when they called tonight. They are where they should be.

And me? :) Well, let's just say that I am beginning to listen more and plan less....if that makes any sense at all. My own plans are beginning to rearrange and the possibilities are way more exciting. More to come...

This Jars of Clay song has been stuck in my head all weekend! Have a listen, the whole album plays through on the website. God Will Lift Up Your Head

In other news, I attended a bonfire last night and found myself right smack in the middle of a redneck country music video...complete with a four-wheeler, a go-cart, a karaoke machine on the back of a minivan attached to oversized speakers set out on the grass, coolers full of beer, a wet bar on the back of a truck bed, and girls and guys sportin' their straw hats. And although I know I don't necessarily fit in with that crowd of folks (I mean for real...I was holding a can of Coke), I loved being there. I love how real and raw people can be. It really got me to thinking about Jesus and how He lived His life among the people. He stood out too, but He found a way to connect. He was all about relationship. And He walked in such a way that He gained trust and was able to bring life to the people around Him.

With this fresh awareness, I agreed to make a Smore's run to Wal-Mart with A. Our conversation opened right up like it had been planned before we even got there. Working his way out of the Mormon church, A. is now experiencing life without rules and walls to keep him guarded. We talked about searching for God and about having faith without the religion. And for the first time ever, when asked about my own life, I was able to share without stumbling over Christian vocabulary. Our conversation was real and to the point and I could tell that it made a difference.

I hate what I have done in the past and the times that I have not truly sought after God. But last night, it was those times that brought a connection with A. Because he is at that point now. And I was able to tell him that even in the midst of our worst mistakes and wanderings, God is faithful. That truly God is bigger than our questions and every rule of religion that is created to make us conform. I was able to tell him that after he experiences everything he thinks he has missed, emptiness and a need for something greater will find its way to the surface of his heart. And that is truly what I believe. That is the way I came to God...not because someone told me that I needed Him, but because my heart cried out and He was the one who answered.

I knew that I could not change him. I knew that I could not make his heart long for God. I knew that all I could do was plant seeds on the fertile ground that had presented itself. Someday, when A. is ready, his heart will be drawn by the voice of the Holy Spirit and those seeds will break out of their shells and take root. And with time those seedlings will grow strong and tall and A. will be a well-watered tree in the Kingdom of God.

"Aaaaaahhh Tulsa is not that bad, really, is it? OK, maybe it is. But we need you and and your strong faith to make our lil' town a better place, which no doubt it already is because of you!"

I found out today that my blog is featured on TheTulsan! Wow, I am flattered. And to set the record straight, I do like Tulsa. It's just the letting go of NY part that makes me sad.

Thanks, Tim! :)

Lys

This is my sister. Hopefully she does not mind such a large portrait of herself on my blog, but I had to talk about her tonight.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Lys and mentioned my sadness about leaving our piano behind in Rochester. I kind of joked around and asked her to make sure and play it a little bit since I could not come home and do so.

Today was moving day for the family. At the end of my school day here in Tulsa I checked my voicemail and was surprised to find a message from Lys. "Hi, April, the house is empty and I'm the last one here. I promised to play the piano for you one more time before we left, so here goes...." And though she has never been one to sit at the piano, she sat down today just for me. She played Happy Birthday and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee and in between she made sure that every key and every note was played over the phone line. I never expected her to remember my request or to even think about calling and playing over the phone. Of course, the tears came as I listened and realized that someone actually understood how it felt to miss home and how important it was to acknowledge such feelings.

Thank you, Lys. :) It meant so much that you would remember a seemingly small, but rather important piece of my heart. You are the best sister in the whole wide world. :)

Until today I had not even stopped to consider that Easter was upon us. In fact, being away from home and family seems to take away from my excitement about celebrating any of the holidays. But the truth is, Easter is not really about family. It is not about religious tradition. It is not about opening baskets with gifts or eating ham dinners.

Easter is about the fact that God loves me. He loves me so much that He did not stay where He was demanding that I find a way to Him. He came for me, pursued me, called me, waited for me, spoke to me, suffered for me, chose to die for me.

These are the thoughts that draw me close tonight.

My roomate and I drove past a local movie theatre tonight. In front of this particular theatre is a cross, two feet tall, adorned with flowers and a picture frame, and dedicated to the person who did not make it through the intersection. This person was my friend Chad.

Chad was bright eyed and full of life. The day I met him I knew he was special. I knew that God's hand was on his life. He was about 20 years old, loved people, loved his bike, and loved the girls. He often invited me to his parties and get togethers. I usually declined because of other plans or because of feeling uncomfortable about the people who would be there. He didn't seem to care though. He didn't play favorites. Everyone was accepted and okay in his book.

I prayed for Chad often. He was laid so deeply upon my heart during the year and a half that I worked with him. I do not remember if I ever spoke to him poignantly about God. But I always hoped that the words of encouragement and prayer that I offered brought life to him in some way.

One Sunday last October I received a phone call after returning from church. Chad had been in an accident and had not made it. According to my friend Paul he was already gone and was about to go through the process of organ donation. I couldn't believe it. I cried and cried, and then I turned to prayer.

I didn't know that he was only in a coma. I didn't know that there was still hope. (Paul had given me no hope.) God layed the story of Lazarus on my heart. As I prayed I kept thinking about Lazarus and Jesus' words to him as he came from the tomb. "Come forth." I kept praying these words over and over, compelled, but having no idea what was going on.

One week later I attended Chad's funeral. It was held in his school where he had attended K-12. This tiny Oklahoma town saw a melting pot of people who had been touched by Chad's life. Black, white, hispanic, rich, poor, children, adults, goths, gays, straights, you name it, they were there. It was at a pre-funeral lunch that I met Stephanie, another born again Christian who had also worked with Chad.

Stephanie had spent two days at the hospital while every effort was made to save Chad's life. She sat by his bedside and prayed. She told me that although he was in a coma his vitals would skyrocket whenever someone would enter the room. Because of this, she believed that he knew what was going on. Stephanie felt the urgency to share the gospel with Chad. She told him that God loved him. She told him what Christ had done for him on the cross. She told him how to be saved. And then she prayed with him to receive Christ. As Stephanie shared this with me at the funeral, I began to cry. I truly believe that Jesus came to Chad in his very last hour on earth. Though we could not see the evidence, we felt it in our hearts.

At the funeral, the tears began as I heard Chad's school principal share from the Bible. He spoke of the story of Lazarus. I remembered my prayers and what God had laid on my heart and I was comforted. Later on, all of us who knew him from work gathered at the Cracker Barrel for lunch. We ate and shared as a family. After quite a few people had left a chorus of women from the middle dining room began to sing a song. "We will meet again, don't know where, don't know when...but we will meet again, on a bright and sunny shore..." It was this whole song about meeting again in heaven someday. Stephanie asked if they knew we had all just come from a funeral. Of course, they didn't know...they had just come for some food and wanted to share a song with the restaurant. Again, we were comforted.

I share this story to say this....I am glad for the faithfulness of God.
God wants us so much that even at the last moments of our lives He will make a way for us to come to Him. He does not hold grudges. He does not make us wait until we get it right. He died knowing that because of his death, WE, who did not yet know God would be able to know Him. I think of the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to remember him. He did not have time to make his life right, he only had time to believe and reach out. And at the last minute, this man, being punished for terrible wrongs, was accepted into the kingdom of God.

Ask Ashley Smith or Brian Nichols about the mercy and the grace of God. Their second chances have been posted all over the news.

I will end tonight with these words spoken by Jesus:

I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

And whoever lives and believes in Me

shall never die.

~John 11:25,26~

It's 2:30 in the morning and can I sleep? No. The weirdest thing about this week of spring break has been the burst of energy I have felt. In addition to catching up with some very good friends of mine, I have cleaned, done laundry, paid bills, shopped for groceries, cooked dinners, shopped for clothes, done my taxes, set up doctor's appointments, bought new glasses, bought a filing cabinet and organized all of my files. I still plan on shopping some more as well as opening up a new bank account and getting pre-qualified for a mortgage. I mean the list goes on. All of these things have been piling up on my to-do list and now I am SO excited to get to do them.

My roomate keeps giving me weird looks and asking if I am okay. Ha! She's not used to such productiveness on this side of the apartment. Truly this is the best I have felt in awhile. I haven't thought about my job at all....although....I do have some planning to do. Really and truly I could go on like this for weeks.

Here was my thought the other day as I was driving around doing errands and thinking about all of this productivity. I am almost convinced that I will stay in Tulsa after this school year. It's as if the decision has already been made and I am beginning to go through a "settling in" phase. I'm not saying this out loud yet though. This blog is as loud as it gets until I can manage to hear my own voice admitting my residence in Oklahoma.

I had lunch with my supervising professor a few days ago. She took me out to help me solve some classroom difficulties I had faced within my first year. She is the kind of teacher that pushes you to be the best. She held me to high standards (and put the fear of God in me) and at the same time gave so much grace that it was truly hard to fail. During our lunch together, not only did she encourage me, but I was able to give encouragement to her. I was not just her student anymore, I was her fellow teacher. Boy that felt good. I felt as if I had taken the rite of passage into my career. As we parted she said, "now, April, I want to be able to send student teachers to you three years from now." It made me want to stay all the more, just because I knew there was someone who believed in me to do my job and to do it well enough to teach others.

UPDATE
Mom and Dad and Lys have found their house in Jacksonville, FL. To you Rochestarians who know my family...I would love it and I know they would too if you would consider stopping in to encourage them as they leave.

My roomates, all three of them, are gone for spring break. Guess who's left with the messy apartment? I have been cleaning since 9 o'clock this morning! How does a small apartment fall to pieces so quickly?! Of course, it seems that ninety percent of the clean up pertains to my inability to put things away. Small piles are so nice to come back to though. :) My lunch break is over. I'm trying to get everything done before I head out to see my adopted family. We're barbequing to celebrate this delighfully warm weather.

To everything there is a season.

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in our hearts though we can never know what He has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Okay, maybe it's not so bad after all. :) 

Florida

Kinda looks like a postcard for Footprints in the Sand...

The rest of the story...

I left Rochester, New York on January 5, 2001 to attend Oral Robert's University. I went with a full heart and all the excitement one could muster for the college experience far away from home. Within my first couple of weeks at ORU I said, "Well, Tulsa is a nice place but I don't think I'd ever want to live here permanently." I assumed that I was only here for a "visit" while I attended college.

I have now been in Oklahoma going on five years. When asked where I am from, I still respond, "Upstate NY". Even my license plates carry the evidence of a far away state called home. I cannot bring myself to trading those things in.

I never meant to leave NY for good. I always thought I'd go back. And, then, without warning I began to consider the fact that I may never go back again. I think almost everyone has this dilema at some point. Do I return home or do I make my life in a new place? So, for quite some time, I have battled with this very question. Where is home? Here or there? And when is the right time to make such a decision?

One month ago, I began to long for NY again. I wanted to see the lakes and the hills and the green (well, you know underneath all that snow). I wanted to be with my friends whom I love so dearly. I wanted to be near my family, go into business with Jenna, drink coffee with Wes and the whole Starbucks gang, line dance with Beth, talk to Wen in person, walk the Charlotte pier, and most importantly see my friends start their families and hold their little babies. I was on the verge of "coming home". And then, the unthinkable happened....home moved.

What?

How can I go "home" if my own family is not there?

It's like God knew, so long ago, that one day I would not belong in Rochester, NY anymore. He didn't tell me. He kept it a secret. On the day I left for college I did not know that some of my friends then would not be my friends now. I did not know that my parents would leave their jobs and pick up for a brand new start thousands of miles away. I did not know that I would stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma to teach five and six year old children who were only infants at the time of my arrival. I did not know that "home" would become a visiting place.

This is only the beginning of my letting go. This is only the beginning of my search to find a place of my own, a new place to call home. I have always moved because my parents moved. I have always struggled because I did not think the moving was fair. But not this time. This time, God pointed to a place called Tulsa, OK and I went. I moved on without even knowing the fullness of God's plan. I'm on my own with no one else but God to ask for directions, with no one else to cry to when I think the circumstances are unfair. And now that I know, I am asking again...God, where do we go from here?

I went away to college planning to return, but I never returned.

God had a different plan.

So that is the rest of the story...for now.