I have a lot of deep thoughts to post in the days to come.
Tonight I am thinking about the fear that I did not recognize inside of me until recently. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have always loved airports and flying. I love seeing so many different people and I love the view from my window seat. But for some reason, it was hard for me to step onto the plane this time around. Ever since 9/11 I have been afraid of flying. And in all reality, I know that I am afraid of many other things. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of not having enough, I am afraid to allow myself to get too close to anyone for fear that they'll walk away, I am afraid of looking incompetent and incomplete, I am afraid of being forgotten. But this past weekend, I had to face my fear of flying head on. I had already paid for my ticket, made plans to see my friends, and had packed my bags. There was no turning back for me.
I closed my eyes and reflected on the fact that, worst case scenario, if I did die it wouldn't be so bad after all. I would be with God. And, best case scenario, if I lived then my life would go on and I would continue as I had before. Either way, my life is in God's hands. I thought about the stories of a missionary who had carried a large wooden cross through every continent. He had talked about being stoned several times and about being held at gun point and many other life threatening things. But he said this, "If God itends for you to live, you will live. You cannot die when God has a plan for you to live." Those were my thoughts throughout take off and landing and every moment in between. 'My life is in God's hands, He will take care of me and provide for me, and when the right time comes He will take me home to be with Him.'
It is one thing to say, "I trust God with my life". It is another thing to be at peace and live as if He truly is taking care of you.