Drive By

So I was driving across the Buckman Bridge tonight, listening to the radio. As I looked to my left a man was driving by...younger, good looking and at a glance the spitting image of one of my best friends from the early college days. The car was green, a two-door Honda accord with NY plates. My best friend's car had been a black, four-door Honda also with NY plates...close enough. And even though I hadn't thought about missing him in quite some time, tears came pouring out of my eyes. Out of nowhere, this great void opened up inside of my heart and it was like missing him for the first time. He had been the one I came home to over college breaks, scolding me if I did not call right away. I had seen him off on his first big missions' trip. He had been there the first time I ever gave a sermon in front of church, and he was the first one to hug me afterwards. He saw my insecurities and some of my failures. We both had disappointments. We ministered together for about 2 years. We played together on swings and camping trips and wherever else the opportunity came up. We prayed together. We talked about our futures and our dreams. I loved him very much.

But like I said in a recent blog, things change. And time changed our friendship. He fell in love with a beautiful girl and got married. I saw him on his wedding day. I saw him and I had to let go. I knew that I would probably not hear from him again for a very long time.

I had one friend who tried to convince me to tell him how I felt. Call it pride...call it wisdom...call it divine intervention...I still don't know what it was. I never told him. I never asked him to consider my heart before he gave his away to someone else. No, I don't regret it; I still wonder what would have happened. But even now, looking back...I know that all is as it should be.

It's just that tonight, when I saw that car...I was hit by surprise. I was hit by this immense loss that could never be returned again. I will never have that friendship again. I will never have this person back in my life. I will only have the memories. And so, it is much like a death. I didn't realize that this grief could still surface. Because in a very healthy way I had let go a long time ago. That is what I had had to do. Hanging on would never have changed the situation. His heart belonged to someone else and never to me. We both had different destinies to fulfill.

This is a very random blog tonight. I am still asking God what all of this means.