Sunday, March 18

Things Change

So, I love living in Florida. (Never thought I'd say that, but I do.) I haven't loved living anywhere for awhile, haven't felt like I wanted to settle down. But I can see myself here, in Jacksonville, settling down. My whole life, it has been one of my greatest desires to stay somewhere, to plant some roots. I have assumed that this would be the place and rightly so...my parents are here. I am done with college. I have a "secure" job. I love my church. I love the friends that God has given me here. I love the beach and how close I am to Orlando, Atlanta, Savannah, and the list goes on.

There is this very small, and I mean small, place in my heart that begs the question...will you ever return to NY? And when I hear it, I think NO I love it here, this is where I belong. Please do not be offended NY...I love you, I long to be there, I hate to leave when I am with you. It's just that I am not quite ready yet to contemplate this question. Seriously, the NY question is a blog in itself. Then there is this other place that suggests there are many other places in the world I still need to see. I dream of going to nations...literally dream. People speak words to me and pray prayers over me about going to the nations. I do not know what it will look like. I do not know what it all means. I just know that there is more than this city on the East Coast.

There is music inside of me. There are words yet unwritten, pages yet unturned. And I thought it would be here that my life would all make sense. It doesn't yet. And maybe it will soon. But all of a sudden as I come upon the 2nd year of my residence in the sunshine state, I am hit with the fact that this is not permanent. Even my friend Kate said to me tonight, "nope you won't stay here". How does she know?

But nothing is permanent. Things change. People move on. I have been humbled by that very realization this week. I couldn't buy the house I wanted. I found out that a couple friends of mine are moving. I have other friends leaving for military duty. My brother left for Iraq today. Other friends are getting married. A few are changing and moving in different directions and I don't see them very much anymore.

So either I can sit here and be disappointed and allow myself to feel displaced or I can move on as well. I can grab ahold of God and say, "What's next? Where do we go from here?" It's what I have done all my life. I have never stayed in one place for too long. I have never been able to set my roots in a community, or a group of people, or a piece of land for more than a season or two. My roots have become planted in the Lord. I go where He goes. It has never been easy, never. But the outcome has always been worth whatever pain it took to move on to the next place.

So all this to say, I am choosing to let go of my fears for what will happen tomorrow and to love what God has given me now. I am choosing to reach out and live and love and laugh as much as I can in this season. Because who knows when it will end? Who knows when the seasons will change and when these opportunities will come to an end? Who knows what will come next? God give us all grace to know when to let go and how to hold on to You.

3 comments:

83princess said...

I love your blog, April.
I think we are in the same place. Seriously.
And although we may not be able to go back to the place of our childhood, or stay where we now reside, I do believe God gives us friends that will last our lifetime - and beyond into eternity.
You talked about planting roots, being able to settle into a community, and I think all those things are good! But at the same time, I think with the high calling God has on your life, you need to know those few people whom you can turn to during any season. Whether they be close by, or 100s of miles away.
Moving to TX has changed me, it has changed my family, and although I don't have the same close relationship with those I did have in NY, I do have a few that are still near.
But then there are those that were total surprise, and we never got close until my fam moved.
All of this to say, I think "community" is going to make up a number of different people, in different places, but their hearts are reaching towards the same thing you are, and that is what ties us together.
Some friendships will come and go, God remains..and in Him, you will have those friends that remain as well.
It has been the hardest thing for me to learn that I have a community...even though they aren't all here, I have friends who care for me, and love me, and support and pray for my family.
You do to! And we all love you!
I pray this made sense.
Have a great week!

April said...

Wow, thank Sarah. You said it so well. I agree with you totally. Are you still headed to NY?

April said...
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