I love the promise of things to come. I love knowing that something new is just around the corner. And deep down inside, I have to admit, that sometimes I like to let go of the old. But the truth of it all is that it's hard to start over.
Starting over means being alone for awhile. It means redefining everything I have known before. It means taking stock of who I really am, in the midst of changing circumstances.
I don't like the me I see right now.
I don't like being alone.
I don't like having to put myself out there.
Tonight, I realized again how much I have to trust God. If I want to succeed here, I have to trust that He will lead me to the right places and the right people. And when I find people I have to trust that they will not turn away. I have to be vulnerable all over again. I really can be the biggest nerd too. Ask my sister, ask some of my close friends. Knowing this makes me a little nervous. I haven't had a group of close friends to walk with in a long time. But in order to see my prayers answered I have to be available. I have to go when I am afraid to go. I have to speak when I am afraid to speak. Because, if I back away, if I stay in my quiet apartment, how will I meet anyone who will reach back to me?
I've seen it happen before. I have so many good friends around the world. In this place of starting over, I have to trust that God will be faithful to bring relationships again. I have to trust that He will continue to mold me into someone who is also able to reach out and bless the others around me. I don't feel like that person right now. But I can see her. I can see myself at peace....I am looking forward to that time and place.