Wednesday, July 9

Solitude

This new apartment is so quiet.  Aside from the ticking clock, the hum of my computer, and the bugs outside...nothing...not a sound.

I was excited about these moments...late nights without any responsibilities lurking in the day ahead.  I was excited for the silence so that I could write and think and paint and who knows what else.  But tonight, I feel like a stranger to the silence, as if we must become reacquainted with one another.

It was hard to write tonight, to play anything for that matter.  All I could think about was how much I wished I could get in my car and go meet up with someone.  But for the moment, those days are passed.  I have two friends in this city and both have gone to bed.

I think we often define ourselves by who we know, by the circumstances we find ourselves in, by the company we keep.  And when we are moved from familiar places and the comfort of people, the real truth must come out in one fashion or another.  I am finding out who I am all over again.

In two weeks time, I can tell who and what meant a lot to me.  I can tell what I had really hoped for.  I can tell what I miss.  I can tell what I will not miss.  In two weeks time, I see that I was not all that I am meant to be.  I can tell that there is more.

I cannot go back.  I can only move forward.  And for now that looks a bit lonely...it looks as if I'll be making friends with the silence all over again.

But there is joy in the solitude of these days.  Solitude is a rare find in our ambitious world.  I only hope I can embrace it in the face of finding my place in this brand new city, in the face of rediscovering who I am in the Lord.  I forget sometimes that He is the only constant.  I forget sometimes that we are walking together through all of this.  It's Him and I...not just I.  And He defines everything, just as it should be.

I just keep thinking, "If only I could hear His plans, if only I could see the faces He will put along my path, if only I knew."  But that's the beauty of it, I suppose, finding Him all along the way.  

If only I could hear Him amidst the roar of this solitude.

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