The railroad. My sister. A beautiful day. 

Standing at Front and Centre. 

Finally, a beach without tourists and hotels. 

Mom's Birthday. On our way to the white sand.

Fernandina Beach. The edge of town just before the water. 

Amelia Island

I found an incredible oasis here in Florida. The past two weekends I have stepped into another world. A world that breathes peace and simplicity. A world that allows me to breathe and to feel creative and alive and quite like myself without the cares of the world.

Amelia Island is located less than an hour north of Jax. Yesterday, a friend and I ate lunch at Lulu's Bra & Grill (no mispelling intended here...we found it b/c every single other cafe closes in town between 2 and 5pm), walked down streets lined with shops pretty enough to fit into a small town movie set, sat on the beach like children sifting through thousands of shells, drudged up because of the hurricane, looking for shark's teeth (we found two), and shared tears with a Christian artist in her studio as she told us about her experiences with Christ.

I am about ready to pack up and move to the island. Although, I feel as if it wouldn't be quite right, at least not yet. I have a job to do. I have some stretching left.

I am pressing on in the school arena. It will be quite a year I am sure, one that I cannot make it through without the strength of God. I'm not quite sure what God is doing or rather what I thought He was doing when I decided to move here.

But I will look back on this day and see it clearly. My prayer is that God will open my eyes in this place. That He will show me why He has led me here. That I will walk with the trust and faith of child, sure of His goodness, sure of His presence, sure of His promises.

Before we left the studio, the artist we met said, "I want to share one more thing with you." She shared the story of her husband's illness and death from cancer, and how God moved in the situation. She shared about the last moments and experiencing the transfer of death to life. She said to us, "No matter what happens in your life, ALL of God's promises are TRUE." That thought is engrained upon my heart tonight. I know a lot about God, have been His child for all of my life, but I wonder how much I believe His promises. I wonder how many of His promises I have hidden in my heart.

It is time to look for the promises of God and to hold out hope for His return.

I smell fall in the air. The season must be engrained upon my senses, because it is still summer as far as Florida is concerned.

Lookout point for soldiers of the past...taken from the lookout tower of an old fort in St. Augustine. 

Does this sign seem odd to anyone else? 

Fernandina Beach...gotta love a sunset. 

This is part of downtown Jax...kinda looks like an oil painting the way it turned out. 

Be ready in season and out of season.

Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching...

Be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry.

2 Timothy 4:2,5

This past Friday can go down as one of the most frustrating teaching days I have ever experienced. The day started out with an upset parent and ended up with an 8 year old child throwing a tantrum in my classroom. In between, a whole lot of other things occured that were less than favourable, and all of a sudden I realized that I am in for a challenge this year.

Call it naivity and inexperience. Call it blind faith. Call it whatever you like. I still believe that there is good in each and every one of these children.

They have been trained and raised to fight at every offense taken against them. A misguided word, a crossing of the eyes, the gesture of a hand will send even the smallest one reeling against another.

"My momma said that if anybody gets in my face, I can hit 'em."

Yep, that is truly what their momma's say. And now I believe it. That is all they seem to know. I don't know if I will be able to change their way of thinking. But I sure hope to be planting some seeds of life into their little hearts. We had a long talk about what to do if someone was causing them trouble. Most chirped up with suggestions for beating the other person up. They didn't have any other solutions and I think it is because they've never really been given another solution. So instead of telling them what to think my challenge for them was to think for themselves. The question posed on my front board in the classroom is now, "Can you find a better way?" And that is what I now ask them constantly...whether it be math, or reading, or solving a social problem.

And so I am challenged too. B/c I was so frustrated this weekend that I did not want to go back to school. I wanted to go back to my middle class, suburban children. I had it easy. As I sat in the chair behind my desk, watching the rain fall, fighting back tears, I began to think about the challenge before me. My first thought was to call my professor whom I have always depended on for support and encouragement, and then realized that everything I needed to know she has taught me. And everything I don't know...God will show me along the way. There is more inside of me than I realize I suppose.

I began to think about God's call on my life.

What is call God's call on my life? What has He prepared me for? What is He preparing me for? I have no idea, but I do know that I am on my way somewhere. I know that there are others who need to know Him. So for now, this teaching job IS my ministry. And realizing this was a hard one to swallow. I do not feel like a missionary...I do not feel like a pastor...I do not feel like an intercessor or any of those other labeled ministry jobs. But yet God has placed me here and now I have to respond and do my best.

Fulfilling my ministry in this season is simply loving God and loving the people He has placed in my life. I expected that it would be hard, but I did not expect the emotion that comes with the hardness. I truly need His strength to make it through this year.

This past week, I came upon a surprising recognition. It was during a late night conversation with a fellow teacher (and new friend) over hot chocolate and a Krispy Kreme donut. We were talking about relationships and comparing where we are at in age to where we thought we'd actually be. And then she said (in paraphrase) that she really admired how content I seem to be in spite of the fact that I'm going on 26 and still not even close to being married.

It reminded me of a moment about 6 years ago when I was visiting my very single, yet very happy with her life, 27 year old friend. I remember praying, "God, pllleaasse don't let it take that long for me to meet Mr. Right." I never thought I'd be looking at 26 the way she had seen 27 and 28 and 29 before she finally met the man she would marry. I never wanted to think about being single for that long.

Yet, here I am and I am totally happy about it. I don't WANT to get married just to get married anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship just to have someone to talk about or just to have someone to talk to. I love having friends. I love traveling. I love reading a book for hours a day. I love being able to change my plans at any moment. I love having time to just sit and reflect and play music. I love being able to spend money on whatever I want to spend it on. I love having freedom to live my life.

I have been on the other side. The side where everything I loved and cherished was squelched and locked up in a place that I felt obligated to turn away from. All in the name of "love". I let another person decide for me what was important and put my own feelings, thoughts, and dreams in the background. I proclaimed to myself that what I wanted did not matter as much as making the relationship work. And all that time, I never realized, that I was not loving myself enough and, therefore, could not fully love that person either. No, I never want to go back to that place.

Do I want to get married? YES
Do I want to have my own family? YES

But not until it is right. Not until I know that we'll be the very best of friends and enjoy our lives together. Not until I see that he is the one God had in mind when He created me.

" Too many people are trying to meet the right person

Instead of trying to be the right person."
Russ Myers

My sentiments exactly...been pondering this same thing and ran across this quote tonight.

"Yes, it was good..."

Tonight I am sitting at Panera in Jacksonville, FL and I am missing the places and the people known to me in the most recent years of my life.

I miss my roomates. I miss chatting with Ria. I miss Jenny's smiles and hugs. I miss Jilli's everyday friendship. I miss Starbucks on Sundays. I miss the small elementary school I worked in. I miss the teachers there. I miss the kiddos and any confidence I had that I actually knew what I was doing. I miss my extended Tulsa family. I miss the few good friends I did have left after the college crowd scattered.

My sister is about to embark on the ORU experience. I find myself wishing that I could be there (in Tulsa) too. How odd...seeing as how I was so excited to get myself out of there. Don't get me wrong. I am doing just fine here. I love being near my parents and sister again. I love having new places to explore and meeting new people. Tonight, I am just missing some pieces that are close to my heart.

Slowly but surely my heart is being renewed in this place. I have been made aware of some things that are not right and at the same time I have felt the calling of a deeper sort, the right things rising to the surface. I think I did have to come here. I don't know how long I will be here. I don't know what God has for me to do. But I know that whatever it is, it will be good. I will look back and say..."yes, it was good."

Imagine my excitement upon seeing 9 comments in my comment section...and then imagine my disappoinment after seeing that 3 of these comments were merely SPAM. Ughh...how in the world did they find me? And even more importantly, do they actually think that I'd believe their claim to liking my blog?

Dear Readers,
I know that it's been awhile...hope you're still checking every once in awhile. :)

As per Amy's request I will fill you in on the first week of school.

First off, I couldn't have asked for a better place. For being a city school...the campus is well taken care of, the people are friendly, and for the most part I have not seen any big student problems.

My classroom:
*is at least double the size of my classroom last year.
*contains a whole wall of windows and two doors.
*produces at least one large palmetto bug for me dispose every couple of days.
(now mind you that I cannot squish these bugs...they are large and full of squishy insides...I must first trap them and then manuever them through the outside door...where I am sure inevitably they only wait for the opportunity to return to my classroom again.)
*is filled with all the materials I could ever need
(thankfully this is a title I school which somehow has extra money to provide what teachers need.)

My students:
*continue to add in number every day. (seriously, I have gotten at least four more than I expected.)
*have been surprisingly well behaved...better than I expected anyways.
*7 girls/13 boys
*the majority eat breakfast in my classroom b/c they do not eat at home
*are very eager to learn
*are sweet
*have been taught at home that if someone gets in their face they are allowed to hit them (learned this lesson from two of my girls who were having a misunderstanding)

I:
*am the minority in my class.
*am overwhelmed with information, and standards, and requirements, and meetings, and lesson plans, and this new concept of grading papers (in kindergarten this did not happen), and portfolios, paperwork...did I leave anything out? :)
*am excited about this opportunity...I enjoy working with the older ones.
*have improved on my classroom management since last year (though I know I still have a lot to learn)
*have made some new friends among the teachers, there are a lot of younger teachers at the school, which is very nice.
*have already gotten my first paycheck!!! ..can we say no state tax and full medical coverage? (and I'm still looking to see if they are going to help me out with school loans...there's a good possibility.)

Student quotes:

*On the first day, "Are you going to be our teacher for the whole year?"

*After scribbling out only the words (and not the rest of the paper) on a discipline note home my student explained,

"yeah, my baby brother did that."

More to come...the year's still young. :)

Tomorrow is my first day of third grade. Nervous? Umm..yeah.

I just realized that I might be in over my head as most of my training has been at the kindergarten level. I do realize, however, that in order to learn and grow, I must be challenged. So, for this year, the challenge is to teach urban third graders in a Jacksonville public school.

I do admit to some excitement. Once I figure out what I am supposed to teach them...I should be okay. ;)

In other news....as I haven't been so faithful to my blogging...I am wondering how the heck I got here. I mean, I know how I got to Florida. I remember the sequence of events. But I really do wonder recently what I'm supposed to be doing here. It's only the beginning, these kinds of thoughts are probably normal and healthy. But I do miss the comforts of familiarity. I do miss my friends.

To all of you One Day people...I broke out the live cd and listened while I was out and about in Jacksonville. I seriously had tears in my eyes from beginning to end...mostly b/c the music added to the way that God was working on my heart throughout the day. The songs and prayers reminded me, though, that at another time and place, I sought out the heart of God with others around me. Oh, how I miss and long for that chance now. I long to have a heart to heart conversation about what God is doing me and to hear what God is doing in others. I long to share the love of Christ with someone over coffee and really walk away knowing that God was there. Where does that excitement go through the years? The excitement that causes you to stop in the middle of Waffle House and pray for a group of highschool graduates, the excitement that unconditionally brings thirty young adults together every week to share the love of God with one another, the excitement to talk about God and sing songs about Him and just LOVE Him? Where does it go? I still want to be excited.

Pip recently talked about the holy roar. In my own heart I know that it has been suppressed. Somehow, I know that I have allowed myself to be defined by the relationship I have held with the church only to find that it was a lie and a misjudgment. I became who they wanted me to be. I allowed their definitions to become my definitions, their labels to become my labels, their lifestyles to become my lifestyle. And I never questioned whether it was right or wrong. Until one day when I no longer fit into the mold that I had assumed had been created for me.

I want to know God more than I want to know anything in the whole world. I want to hear His heart and to see His face. But all of a sudden doing church as I have always done it no longer seems to coincide with knowing who He is. Do I want to ignore the people of God? No. Do I want to ignore what He is doing among His people on earth? Absolutely not. I hear the roar. I hear it at the depths of my heart. But how do I free it from the box that I have locked it away in? The box of uncertainty and apprehension.

Lots of questions on a night like tonight.

I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia this week so I will end with this excerpt from chapter 8 of The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis. It is the chapter where the Lion begins to sing and as he sings Narnia comes into being.

"In the darkness something was happening at last. A voice had begun to sing. It was very far away and Digory found it hard to decide from what direction it was coming. Sometimes it seemed to come from all directions at once. Sometimes he almost thought it was coming out of the earth beneath them. Its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself. There were no words. There was hardly even a tune. But it was, beyond comparison, the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. It was so beautiful he could hardly bear it...

Then two wonders happened in the same moment. One was that the voice was suddenly joined by the other voices; more voices than you could possibly count. They were in harmony with it..The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars. They didn't come out gently one by one, as they do on a summer evening. One moment there had been nothing but darkness; next moment a thousand, thousand points of light leapt out...The new stars and the new voices began at exactly the same time. If you had seen and heard it, as Digory did, you would have felt quite certain that it was the stars themselves which were singing, and that it was the First Voice, the deep one, which had made them appear and made them sing."

It is early Sunday morning and I am wide awake. So is the cat. She is racing around the carpet, climbing the couch and looks very sure of her imaginary prey...

Okay, maybe I'm not awake enough to think of something profound here...I've been looking at the screen and erasing words for about five minutes...

All I can say is that, at this point, life is changing in more ways than I thought it would. I'm not sure of any other way to put it. There are moments when I realize that I cannot go back to Tulsa, to the friends I have lived close to, to the comforts of things familiar. In those moments of striking reality, this new place seems so overwhelming.

However, it was my choice to come. And I do believe that I made the best decision. So I will continue to tell myself, "It IS time to begin again, to look forward to the promises of God."

My prayer for this season:
God help me to step forward and help me to continue to become who you have made me to be.

Third grade here I come!

Diamond in the Rough...

What does it take to truly know someone, to truly love them? Can it happen in a day? How long does it take? And what does it take?

I knew the point would come in my life where I would have to trust someone else to forgive and forget my past wrongs. I can live with it now. I can carry it on my shoulders. I can use it to extend mercy to those without hope of mercy. I can remember what God has done. It is my story. But when the story is told, who will love me? And will I love me? And what will I be?

I have always loved those who are rough around the edges. I have loved the people who went against the grain. I have loved the people who didn?t exactly have it all together. But I never thought of myself that way. In comparison, I was way smoother. Until today, I did not realize how rough around the edges I truly have been. I sat in church blinking back tears. So badly, I want someone to know my life and to love me in spite of it all. Christ has done it, He loved me before my life began, knowing every decision I would make. He died for me and gave His life for me, knowing my sin.

I keep thinking about the diamond and the process that it goes through.

I am not conventional. I am not traditional. I only know Christ. I only know that I need Him. That?s all I know. I cannot impress with theology and Christian discipline. I do not fit in with the "church" people. And, at the same time, I do not fit in with the world who lives ignorant of the fact that God loves them. I sit here, in between, not knowing what lies ahead. I know there are others like me.

Josh and I explored an old plantation in Fayetteville last weekend. These are just a few of the many pictures that we've taken. The plantation used to be owned by the nephew and niece of Rockefeller. It was a country club used for golf and fox hunting. The abandoned buildings around this place of 35,000 acres are beautiful. I love imagining what it might have been like in the old days.

We got to explore these stables...fun...although we did get chased by a bee. 

gotta love doors :) 

One of my favorites taken at an old plantation in North Carolina. 

I love my brother. We spent our whole day Saturday taking pictures...at least 120 but I'm guessing more. This is one of the best...consequently, it's going in a frame. :) 

Well, I made it back to Jacksonville. Safe and sound.

Two bouquets of flowers, three thank you cards, and countless pictures to local Wal-Marts around the country have all been sent to commemorate my month long trip.

I feel full and blessed.

Check this guy out... Matisyahu
One of his music videos can be found here.. King Without a Crown

Out of the ordinary but talented and packs a punch. I am very impressed.

I have a lot of deep thoughts to post in the days to come.

Tonight I am thinking about the fear that I did not recognize inside of me until recently. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have always loved airports and flying. I love seeing so many different people and I love the view from my window seat. But for some reason, it was hard for me to step onto the plane this time around. Ever since 9/11 I have been afraid of flying. And in all reality, I know that I am afraid of many other things. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of not having enough, I am afraid to allow myself to get too close to anyone for fear that they'll walk away, I am afraid of looking incompetent and incomplete, I am afraid of being forgotten. But this past weekend, I had to face my fear of flying head on. I had already paid for my ticket, made plans to see my friends, and had packed my bags. There was no turning back for me.

I closed my eyes and reflected on the fact that, worst case scenario, if I did die it wouldn't be so bad after all. I would be with God. And, best case scenario, if I lived then my life would go on and I would continue as I had before. Either way, my life is in God's hands. I thought about the stories of a missionary who had carried a large wooden cross through every continent. He had talked about being stoned several times and about being held at gun point and many other life threatening things. But he said this, "If God itends for you to live, you will live. You cannot die when God has a plan for you to live." Those were my thoughts throughout take off and landing and every moment in between. 'My life is in God's hands, He will take care of me and provide for me, and when the right time comes He will take me home to be with Him.'

It is one thing to say, "I trust God with my life". It is another thing to be at peace and live as if He truly is taking care of you.

Los Angeles was a fun trip. Granted, I did not have my luggage for the first day, but it all got worked out. My friend Zoe always takes good care of us when we go out to visit her. She brightens my world with things I would not think about otherwise and for that I am glad. My friend Angela brings joy and adventure to every situation. All three of us have an agreement that every year we will visit and spend time catching up with each other. This was the third year of our tradition. To commemorate, we have begun a scrapbook documenting momentous occasions and highlighting our adventures. We joke, because of the traveling pants movie, that our scrapbook is to be a traveling scrapbook of sorts.

We did have a star sighting while out and about. Zoe, Angela and I went to eat a little sandwich shop in Brentwood and ended up sitting two tables away from Josh Brolin and Diane Lane and their two kids. I wouldn't have even known except for the fact that Zoe and Angela recognized Diane Lane. We couldn't put our fingers on who Josh Brolin was until we got home to do some research. Just today I realized that he was "The Kid" in Young Riders a looong time ago. He was definitely one of my favs. I'm more excited about seeing him now than I was when I actually saw him. Oh well. :)

We also got to hang out with some friends from college who are now recording out in L.A.! I didn't know them all that well but enough to be proud of how much their hard work has paid off. Zoe invited them over for lasagna and good 'ol game of Cash Flow. Cash Flow is a game that teaches you how to invest your money and get out of the rat race. Fun and educational...didn't know they could go in the same sentence when it comes to learning about money. :) Check out Edison Glass...I especially love their songs "When All We Have is Taken" and "Comfort".

Aromas Bakery. The best and only Kosher bakery I have ever been too. It was open until 3am and busy all night long. We actually went here twice on our visit. We are sitting by a window in this picture...everyone behind us is outside while we are inside. You can also see the white volvo we drove that night. 

At the Santa Monica Pier. 

More posting to come...it's hard to get on the internet here. I am currently in L.A. on an annual trip with my two very good friends from college. I'm taking lots of pictures a few of which will be posted soon.

The flowers before they went into the bouquet. 

I had to post this picture to talk about the toast. The groom's seven best friends were at this wedding. He honored each one of them as well as several other members of his family. In turn, each of the best friends made a toast to the newly married couple. It was so moving to hear of the love that these guys had for each other. 

Another new friend from this weekend...Betti...although I don't think I am spelling her name correctly. Betti is from Mexico City also. 

The flower girls gathering flowers. 

Had to take a picture of the food. :) 

Posing with the ring bearer...this kid knew how to dance!...wish I had some video footage. :) 

Winding down the evening with my friend Antonio. 

If I could make a living out of loving you

I'd be a millionaire in a week or two

I'd be doin' what I love

And lovin' what I do

If I could make a livin' out of lovin' you.

~Clay Walker~

I love having this time with friends. My heart is being recharged every day. I posted the lyrics to this song because that is exactly how I feel. If I could just travel and visit with the people I love, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

I have also made some new friends within the past couple of weeks. They have taught me how to speak and to sing in spanish. They have opened my eyes to a culture I have never known. And most of all, they have shown me an example of true friends and brothers. There is a loyalty and sincerity in their hearts that I do not always see around me. There is a freedom in them to love each other openly. I was blessed to spend a weekend with them. Their example has taught me more about unconditional love and acceptance and has challenged me to love my friends better.

Oh, and I got to dance last night! The people at this wedding knew how to celebrate. We were still going at 12:30am..apparently in Mexico they will celebrate until noon the next day after a wedding.

I will post more in depth later on...for now, I am headed to see my grandparents in the southern tier of NY.

Beth and I at Java's. It was so good to see her! I know we'd have so much fun if we lived closer.  

Can't decide which one I like better....thought you'd like both, Beth. :) 

It is always good to come home to this friend. Wes and I at Java's while we hung out with Beth and Timmy.