30 Minutes

I don't know about anybody else, but lately I've been asking God how I got here. I've been asking Him about what's next. Because really and truly I have felt like I've taken a detour in the past couple seasons of my life. It doesn't seem to be the mountain top experience I thought it would be. I am not who I thought I'd be.

The other day I got into my car and it was like God was waiting for me. As soon as the radio turned on a preacher's voice was speaking to me about my situation. God brought encouragement to my heart through his message. So, to anyone else who feels like they've taken a detour...set aside 30 minutes and listen to this broadcast. I guarantee that it's worth hearing.

Regency Church (click on January 22 - The Mountain of Divine Encounter)

Finding Hope

Two years ago was one of the hardest years of my life. And it's amazing...but all of a sudden, ...the pain, the mistakes, the wonderings, the doubts, the fears, my loss of faith in the church and in myself...God is using those things to minister to others. In the past two weeks, I have prayed...God use me...and He has. Umm, divine appointment in the middle of a bar/club? Does that sound possible? Yeah, it's true. And it's not just the one. I've been able to share my experiences with more than one person. I've been able to tell the truth about what happened. And not only is it hopefully bringing freedom to them, it's bringing freedom to my life. If I hadn't walked through the darkness...I would not be able to speak of the Light the way that I can today. I would not be able to touch the hearts of people who have recently come across my path. I'm so thankful that God has brought hope again to me...I'm so thankful that He gives me opportunity to spread that hope. I'm so thankful and awestruck to be a part of His plan.

Covered

It all comes down to trust. Trusting that God is who He claims to be. Trusting that I don't have to know everything right now. Trusting that no matter what, I am loved and cared for and completely covered by grace. Trusting that even when I don't understand, God has a plan for something good. Trusting that I don't have to be perfect. Anything else...the doubt, the worry, the fear...comes from not trusting. To all of you who have been reading the worry and wonderings of the past few days...thanks for bearing with me. I'm learning how to trust God more...and in the midst of that I'm learning how to trust myself as I walk with Him. Aren't we all?

Choices

I went out last night. I wasn't planning on it, but at 8:30 after taking a nap and finding nothing on television I couldn't sit there any longer. Even still while getting ready, I wasn't sure if I would go or not. I knew a couple of girls who would already be there. They had called to see if I was coming. They're not close friends of mine, but I hated bailing on the evening. So, an hour later, I was ready and headed out the door.

I prayed again, this week a little more unsure of my desire to go out on the town again.

There's something I love about country music and being on a full dancefloor with everyone dancing in unison. There's something I love about being in a crowd of people who are out to enjoy a good time. I have been meeting people too. It's nice to have some social interaction besides school. I've had plenty of offers to dance. I've had plenty of nice conversations. I've laughed out loud with strangers and sang along with them to the music.

Yeah, it's fun. But there seems to be a catch for me. I've been talking to God about it today.

I'm afraid that all of this will get in the way of being close to God. I'm afraid that getting involved in the things of this world will cut me short of the true things that I desire. Love. Intimacy. Real relationships. Peace. Sure, these things come in bits and pieces anywhere you go...but are they true? are they pure? are they right? In all honesty, connections made on a night out do not always stay on the dancefloor.

But then again, I'm afraid of cutting myself off from people. What if my life becomes nothing more than work and sleep? What if that leaves me without someone to reach out to? What if I end up alone, when really I didn't need to be alone at all? What if God wanted me to minister to these people?

I wonder what Jesus would have done. He spent time with the people of His day...the people who were not considered church material. He loved them. I think about that a lot.

I Woke Up Early

The morning greets me fresh and alive
through sun bathed window
opened to welcome the songs of birds
and the breeze of a warm day begun.

I sit with God
and listen after days of distraction
and evenings of perplexity
He reminds me of my desires
and my heart is at rest.

No plans for the day
and I long to stay in this moment
this place of peace and comfort
of knowing that I am with Him.

What Do You Think?

I seriously need to discipline myself in writing down kid quotes...they say some of the funniest things...and I think to myself, "it's so funny I'll remember it later." And, of course, by the time I get here...I can't remember it at all.

We were talking about the Asian culture in our small group the other day as we read a book about the Chinese New Year. My students are very interested in maps and places. As I was telling them that I knew someone in college from the country of Singapore one of the girls in the group proudly proclaimed, "well, my mom, she works with a Cappuchino lady." Still, two days later, I cannot figure out which country she was talking about.

What really got to me today, was another one of my girls. She's had a lot of trouble this year, keeping up with the rest of the class. She's also the slowest mover...the last one in line, the last one out the door. At first I thought it was a behavior problem. Now, I'm thinking it's something more. Needless to say, I've already conferenced with dad about the problem. She was present for the conference and broke down crying. This was before Thanksgiving. Since then, she has tried a lot more to get herself together. And, sadly, even though I can see her effort, I still don't see a whole lot of improvement in her work.

Anyways, every few days this particular girl will come and ask me, "Am I doing a good job today?" Today she asked me again and I, wanting her to know for herself whether she was doing well or not, asked her, "What do YOU think? Do you feel like you're doing a good job?" She said, "Yes, I think so...but I really want to hear what you think?" It was the look in her eyes and that question that stayed with me the rest of the day.

Isn't that what we all want to know? "How am I doing? Am I doing okay? Am I doing things right? Are you pleased with me?" As I write this tears are coming to my eyes. Did I even answer her question? Did she walk away knowing that no matter who she is that I still love her and still think highly of her?

Sometimes I just want to start over...knowing everything I'm supposed to know...just so I can give my best. Sometimes I just want to...well, know that I'm doing the right thing...know that I'm doing okay...that God is pleased with me...that my children are being given the best that I can give them.

Fuzzy Socks

Today was pretty stressful..I don't remember coming home this stressed out since the beginning of the school year when I was trying to manage an oversized classroom. I literally sat down today for about 15 minutes and told the kids I was done for the day. I've never done that before....in fact, I'm not even sure I'm proud of myself for it. I just couldn't handle the constant fighting between them and the lack of interest they so proudly displayed.

"Is it really this hard?" I keep asking myself. (For example...I asked one student to go to the end of line today instead of cut...common 3rd grade problem...he threw such a big tantrum that every teacher in the hallway could hear and he had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the office.) Ugh.

After cooling down, I gave them another life lecture...probably the 5th in a matter of about 3 weeks. As frustrated as I am with them...I always feel that it's important for them to hear that I love them and that I have expectations for them to do well. I have to speak life over them...encourage them somehow. I don't want them ending up a product of their environment. I think that's what's most frustrating. I want so much for them and yet I don't know how to bring them up to that level...or any level beyond what they know. How do you measure the impact that you are making on a child?

There's more to the story here too....I listened to my assistant principal teach math today. And I found myself thinking, "I wish I could teach math like this." Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right things even...if I'm actually giving the kids what they need. I don't know. I just don't know.

I drove all the way home with a wrinkled forehead and my jaw tightly closed...that is until I realized what my face must look like and then tried to relax. I didn't want to do anything but put on some comfy clothes and sit quietly for awhile. That's when I found the socks Gram sent for Christmas...sea blue, fuzzy warm socks. I ripped off the tag and put them on. And do you know what? I felt better....so much better in fact, that I twirled around the kitchen as I grabbed a snack...and then danced around the living room a bit before my roomate came back home. Nothing like a pair of fuzzy socks to wind down the day. :)

Grandma's Faith

Grandma has never been one to have a "God" conversation. She follows Grandpa to his conferences, listens to him have conversations about this minister or that minister, or God this or God that. But, secretly I don't know if she has ever felt confident about her walk. Her and Grandpa have had a hard road...but amazingly enough they have just celebrated their 50th this past month.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table over greasy eggs and bacon and bagels soaked in butter. I remember feeling the tug between sharing my faith with Grandpa and sharing comfort with Grandma. I don't know if she resented our conversations. I don't know if she just felt on the outside of the whole thing. I always felt as if somehow Grandpa seemed to disclude her...make her feel as if she wasn't good enough to enter the conversation....and still all the while I know he secretly hoped that she would have a heart change right along with her coffee and orange juice. There seemed to be too many hurts and wounds for me to dig through...to understand...in all of my aunts and uncles as well as their parents, my grandparents.

Oh, but I have always known that God had a plan for my family. I knew by the conversations I've had. My uncles would meet me out on the road as they passed through town. My aunts would share a cup of coffee at Christmastime. Grandpa would catch me on the phone. Grandma...once in awhile..would make a remark. God has marked them, called them, loved them.

Tonight Mom called with an update on Grandpa. He's getting better. Praise God. But the even more wonderful thing, is that Grandma is praying....and she's talking about praying. She's sitting as his bedside and believing God for Grandpa's healing. Sometimes, they cannot even sit in the same room...but these past couple of weeks...she is believing God for his life...holding his hand. My aunt called her from Florida...told Gram of a word of healing she had heard Benny Hinn speak...Gram was so excited about it...if you only knew Gram...you would know how amazing it is that she is grasping words of life and believing in faith for God to work. Amazing.

All I can do is thank God. I can't do a single thing, but watch Him work and thank Him for every moment, for every heart change.

Random thoughts before bed...

I have almost come to a roadblock, a quietness within that does not allow for words to express the very thoughts that are wanting to be spoken out loud. My brother is in a hostile foreign land, ministering to people as God has called him to. My grandfather lies in a hospital bed, too far away for me to visit and too deep in sleep to hear my voice. Even after six months of Florida, I am still not quite sure of my place here. I have purpose in my teaching, in being close to my parents, in keeping in touch with friends who are far away. I like my church, but I am still not connected there. I like this city, but still have no ties that would stir my desire to stay.

When does it come? When do I know that I am in the right place at the right time? When does the joy finally overflow? My brother has found his place, in moving to CO. He loves his new home, and it seems to love him as well. In just two months he has flourished...new house, new friends, new church, new life. His smile is evident every time I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Yes, I'm a bit jealous. I want to find my place of "flourishing" as well.

I'll end with this quote tonight. I read it in a chapter of Journey of Desire while revisiting the book this week. The book convicts me of my "here and now" attitude...the attitude that keeps me from acknowledging that eternity with God is the promise that lies before us all.

"Can it really happen? Can things in our lives be green again? No matter what our creeds may tell us, our hearts have settled into another belief. We have accepted the winter of this world as the final word and tried to get on without the hope of spring. It will never come, we have assumed, and so I must find whatever life here I can. We have been so committed to arranging for our happiness that we have missed the signs of spring. We haven't given any serious thought to what might be around the corner..."

Going With God

On Friday, before going out dancing with the girls I prayed and said, "God, would you just send someone nice to hang out with for the evening?" In my own understanding it was sort of a selfish prayer. I'm not a big fan of meeting guys at a club (or even just dancing with them), but I do know there are good, safe guys out there. And being that it was country line dancing there seemed to be even more of a chance. God knows what He's doing...He answered my prayer, but I'm guessing not without His own agenda in mind. When this same guy asked me out the next night, I struggled with whether I should go or not (due to the circumstance of our meeting)...but seeing as how it was a good opportunity to make a new friend, I agreed. And again, I prayed, "God, go with me tonight. Bring opportunities to share your love." Haha. :)

I didn't even have to say a word that night to bring up a "God" conversation. Everywhere I went the conversation kept turning to God, just as naturally as the weather. I'm still laughing about it. He showed up, just like I asked. He showed up during our dinner conversation, and this guy kept saying, "I don't usually talk about religion on the first date." He showed up when we later met up with another friend at a little hole in the wall bar. Turns out this friend grew up in the same church circles where I went to college.

I'm glad I asked Him to come. I'm glad there was opportunity to share His love. I don't think I'll be going out to the clubs and bars every weekend, but going with God makes it way more exciting and fulfilling than if I ever went on my own.

Prayer

Well, after a long four day journey to Oklahoma and back...I am tired! I had a lot to say too...good stuff I thought about as I drove for the 24 hours there and the 24 hours back...but at this point I can't recall any of it. (Not much sleep this past week.)

There's a lot going on here, though. And for those of you who pray...my grandpa is in the hospital and my brother is headed to Iraq. I'm okay...it is they who need the healing and the covering. Thanks in advance. I am already trusting God for the best.

Questions

This month at school we are highlighting a book by Jon Muth called The Three Questions. In the book, a boy searches for answers to three questions: When is the most important time to do things? Who is the most important one? and What is the right thing to do?

After reading this book, only about three of four of my students were actually interested in what it had to say. The pictures are beautiful, it was just that the concepts seemed a bit over their head. So we began to have a conversation about the questions that the book asked.

Some of my students thought that they weren't the right questions to ask. Some thought the questions themselves could have been answered better. From there we began to come up with our own questions about the world and about what was important.

And so, in no certain order...these are the questions that were important to my 3rd graders:
Why is their violence around the world?
Why do parents use bad language?
Why don't people know their problems?
Why do people fight?
Why do people like candy?
Why do parents smoke?
Why don't people share?
Why don't people get along?
Why don't people love each other?
Why do people hate school?
Who IS the most important one?
How do you make a milkshake?
Where does strawberry milk come from?

From here the assignment is to write a story where the characters have to find the answers to these questions. Already, the papers are really good. I can't wait to read the finished products next week.

Hugs

Well, after getting kicked out by the custodians at 4pm today, my classroom is nowhere near ready for the arrival of the kiddos. But, nonetheless, school begins tomorrow!! I'm ready to see their smiling faces. I'm ready to give them hugs and make sure they're doing okay. Lord, help me give them what they need...FCATs are just around the corner.

In other news, I'm headed to Tulsa this weekend with Lys, who happens to be headed to ORU. I get to see my second family on Sunday. Oh the joy! Seriously, I have been waiting to hug those six kiddos and their parents since last June when I left them. :)

Last Minute

And so, another semester begins...report cards due by noon tomorrow, hallways bulletin board to be finished by the end of the day, lesson plans, sub plans for next week, cleaning the classroom. Could I have thought about this before today? Yes. Did I? No. Breaks are scheduled for a reason!! :)

Come Out of the Waiting

Well, this is a day for posting I guess. :)

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but after two weeks of resting and contemplating and dreaming again, I have come to the conclusion that it's time to actually record my music. I received this picture in the mail from one of my close friends. When I sang in her wedding, all I remember is being totally fine until it came to my time to sing. And THEN I was nervous. I'm not sure how it sounded, but I'm thinking it was a little shaky. Ugh. Anyways, when I looked at the picture it wasn't the nervousness that I remembered, it was my love of playing and being able to share with others.

I've been waiting around for only God knows what....and, of course, nothing has happened. So to those six of you who have been waiting for me to finally record my stuff, it is my new goal for the year. So if you have suggestions as to equipment and software, it would be much appreciated. This is an add on my post a few days ago. I'm going to take what I have and do what I can do. Only then can I move on to something more or something else, and probably something I never even expected.

Romance

"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of - something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest - if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself - you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."

~C.S. Lewis (quoted in The Sacred Romance)

To all of you who seek the same, may your New Year find you walking with Christ.

May you hear His voice, see His eyes, and know His heart.

This Year

This year, I...
turned 26

celebrated valentines day with 20 kingdergarteners
taught children how to read
started teaching 3rd grade
had my first disagreement with a parent (at school)
managed 26 students in one classroom
attended numerous workshops
observed the life cycle of frogs (from start to finish...well, basically)

wrote three songs
sang in a wedding
bought a piano
took guitar lessons
read books by Eldridge, C.S. Lewis, Nouwen, Bin Laden, God
went to the music store and listened to the music of guys I knew in college
brainstormed business ideas with my sister

learned how to salsa
enjoyed dancing for the first time in my life
was invited to mexico city
was inspired to really pursue Spanish and finally become fluent
went to Catholic mass
attended my roommate's graduation and felt like I graduated all over again

bought a digital camera
took a road trip from OK to FL to SC to NY to PA to NC and back to FL
visited dallas, l.a., nashville, philly, savannah, rochester, greenville
stood on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean
stood on the shores of the Pacific Ocean
got pulled over for the first time (received a warning for my headlight)
watched sharks get caught off the pier near my new apartment (scary thought!)

saw my brother three times
graduated to friend and colleague of my college professor (not just her student)
watched my "second family" grow to 6 children and spent lots of time loving them
held quite a few new babies of friends that I knew even before they were together
helped my sister and her best friend get to ORU...so excited for them!
came upon an accident and did not see the person survive
saw two soldier friends return safely home from Iraq
reconnected with a friend from primary school
gained a sister (kaitlyn...lived with us for 5 months)

said goodbye to tulsa
moved to florida (along with my goldfish)
lived with my parents
found a new church home
moved into a new apartment

joined MySpace and found friends that I've been looking for for years (and vice versa)
made a few new friends in Florida
joined 2 online relationships sites
met people on those sites
took my profile offline
decided to wait awhile and see what God does
paid way too much in cell phone bills
broke my record for text messages

laughed, cried
felt lonely
struggled
have missed people I love in NY and in Tulsa
asked, "how did i get here?" "am I supposed to be here" "what's going on?"
hoped for new opportunities
dreamed of more
told the truth
prayed for and with friends and family
heard God's voice
went out on a few dates
let go of a few relationships
found healing
learned to trust God more.

Blueprint

I am currently reading three books, which I would highly recommend to anyone.
The Wounded Healer, The Sacred Romance, and Captivating.


I talked with a dear friend last night. She shared some frustrations. I listened closely. And although she may have thought that she was the only one feeling the way she did, every word she shared echoed in my own heart. And this was the question that I continued to ask even after we hung up the phone. "How do we know when loving a person requires us either to hang on or to let go?"

Look around, how many people in this world actually stay anymore? I look around and I see parents quitting their children, teachers quitting their students, friends quitting one another, husbands leaving wives, wives cheating on husbands, lovers of Christ turning their back on the church and their faith. Why do we leave one another? Why do we look the other way? Is it easier? Does it mean that we'd rather look out for ourselves rather than the ones we promised to love?

Where is the line? When are we compromising all we hope for in Christ and when are we compromising our own dreams in order to gain Christ and share His love with others?

Are they one and the same? I don't think so. I think at some point God will call us out of our comfort zone. I believe He will challenge us to stay commited to people and places we would rather not. I believe that He will cause us to grow in those circumstances. And in those places He will bring joy and blessing. But I also believe God gives us other challenges...such as discerning the call He has placed in our hearts, such as loving others without necessarily pleasing them, such as letting go when we feel obligated or comfortable enough to hold on.

I believe God calls us to faith. And walking in faith will challenge us to trust God for every relationship, for every circumstance, for every decision. There is no formula. God is God. He does not live in a box. But He has placed His blueprint in our hearts. That is where we find Him; that is how we follow the mystery that beckons to us when we are most unsure, when we are questioning what should seem right and secure and yet only feels like a sentence to death. The blueprint leads us to life.

God, give us the eyes and the courage to follow what you alone have placed within our hearts. Help us to see when loving someone requires us to stay and when it requires that we let them go.

Florida Meets Tradition

3am...Christmas morning...Santa has still not arrived. Figures, he must know we're out of Christmas cookies.

Every year, my parents have a tradition of putting an orange in the bottom of our stockings. I think the whole thing stems back to our polish roots. Anyways, for some reason the parents have been forgetting about Christmas stockings these past couple of years. So although I have no idea where the stockings are, I have sought out the best Florida Orange fruit stand I could find...or maybe just the most convenient...and we're back in the tradition. Tonight, there are four oranges ready and waiting under the tree. Josh, don't think you're out of the running either, your orange is on its way. :)

As I was wrapping presents tonight I was listening to one of those old school, southern gospel radio stations. Once in awhile, it doesn't bother me to listen to the Gaithers for awhile....anyways, the news report came on and here is what I heard, in paraphrase: "A large number of Christian tourists have been reported to be visiting Bethlehem this Christmas. Many have been touched to see the actual place of Jesus' birth. The problem seems to be that there are so many tourists, it's hard to find a hotel room in Bethlehem." Hmmm....go figure. :)

As I sign off I am headed to sit by the Christmas tree. Have just arrived home tonight, there's a certain peace about it that's calling me to sit before I head to bed. How easy it is to forget the reason for celebrating this holiday. How easy to get so caught up in tradition and culture.

May God open all of our eyes to the wonder of Christmas. May the sound of His coming be louder than the sounds that so easily entangle us.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Abide

I went to church Sunday night. I hadn't planned to, but five minutes before 6pm I thought to myself, "well, why not?" Church is only about five minutes down the road so I wasn't very late. And wouldn't you know that there was a reason for my being there?

Everything I wrote about and all of things I have been wrestling with were addressed during the service. Simply. Amazing. I never cry when it seems like the right moment to cry. But last night I was crying in my seat simply because God was moving on my heart.

The missionary who spoke shared about David being anointed three separate times in his life. David did not go after the men who came to anoint him. Those men came to him because they were sent by God. David didn't have to become king in his own strength. God had already appointed him to be king and brought it to pass in His own time.

All of a sudden, I realized that I have been striving for things in my own strength and understanding. If God has called it to pass then it WILL come to pass...whether it is a relationship or a ministry or a career opportunity or whatever. God's will is God's will and if we abide in Him we will not miss what He has purposed for our lives.

I have not been trusting Him like I should. I have been planning my own life and I have been afraid when I have not seen my plans come to pass. What a difference it has made today just to trust God to take care of my life and bring me to place He wants me to be and to bring the people into my life that He has called to be there.

All I have to do is abide in Him.