Friday, March 30

Garage Band

So, check it out. A couple of years ago I heard about a worship event taking place in Berlin, Germany. People all over the world were planning on attending. And since I had been at One Day and experienced the amazing time of worship and fellowship there, I knew that this worldwide event would be just as amazing. I definitely thought about going, but did not have the chance. However, I did sign up for the newsletter that came from the coordinator of the event. I have been receiving this newsletter for probably about two years.

This past week, I saw that this coordinator and worship leader was going to be in Jacksonville. I researched and found that he was actually going to be at the very church that I attend. On top of that, I found out that he was going to be sharing with worship leaders on Thursday night. And even though I do not lead at a specific church, I asked if I could attend.

To make a long story short, God has answered more of my prayers this week. I have been wanting so much to be able to grow in the area of worship. Not only in musical skills and knowledge of songs and what not, but also I have just wanted to be around other musicians who love to worship the Lord....not worshipping the worship, not worshipping the song leader...but the Lord...first and formost. I have been longing for that place. And tonight I walked into this very type of place.

Twelve or so of us sat in a good sized garage, each with an instrument or microphone and we worshipped. Sometimes loud and sometimes silent. Sometimes with voice and sometimes with only instruments. I would have chosen this garage over a million stages worldwide. It was the intimacy...the non-show if you will. It was our hearts poured out as we shared fellowship with the Lord.

Rochester, do you remember when we sat in garages and parks and in front of church buildings on clear summer nights? Do you remember when the presence of the Lord visited our small group of friends? I remembered tonight. I remembered how worship had become our favorite activity when we came together. I remembered being changed and losing my taste for anything else but the real deal.

Tonight, I walked into this place...greeted by divine appointment. I now have a place to go and record my new songs. I now know others who are pouring their own hearts out in worship, others who I can hopefully learn from and grow with. God has given me a place.

Noel Richards shared his heart with us tonight about worshipping the Lord together. He said many things that stuck out to me and convicted my heart. First, "worship without mission is self-indulgent. mission without worship is self-destructive." Second, "it is not about the performance. it is about our relationship with Christ." Third, Noel himself quite a few years ago got together with a few musicians. They all said, "let's just worship together and see what God does." And so Noel, Matt Redman and Martin Smith and a few others gathered together and began to worship....out of those beginning days...came the songs we sing today. They began in a place...much like the place we were tonight.

I don't know what to say on nights like this. I am amazed at how God can use newsletters and random (so we think) encounters to connect us to people and places and opportunities that just yesterday seemed so far away. He gives me reason to believe that there IS a future and a hope. And I am humbled. Because I do not want to forget God in all of this. I do not want to forget that it is Him whom I worship. He is the reason for the song in my heart. Whether I worship in my room, or in a garage, or on a stage in front of many people...I want my heart to remain the same, constant and loyal to the only ONE I have come to worship.

Wednesday, March 28

Worth Your While

So, if you have 30 minutes, sit down and watch this worthwhile video. It's about a Muslim man who comes to Christ.





Thursday, March 22

10 Years

Today I felt that overwhelming emotion...you know, the one where God is so big and no matter what you do, you'll never be able to measure how far He has traveled or just where His influence has infiltrated your daily life.

I had lunch with a friend whom I had not seen in about 10 years. This friend and I have at least two things in common...our childhood homes and our high school. And I never knew him then. Back then, he was an acquaintance...someone I saw standing next to lockers in a hallway, sitting at a desk across the room, talking to other people I knew, maybe once in awhile having a short conversation. The point is, we probably talked more today than we ever have in our lives combined. I didn't know how caring he was. I didn't know that he had a relationship with the Lord. I didn't know a lot of things.

It's good to know that you can grow up and move far away and still be able to find people who knew you back then. It's good to have history. It's good to have friends with whom we share our history. It's good to connect 10 years later and see how far God has brought you and what He has done in your life.

Halfway to 28

Today, I am officially 27 1/2 years old. (i.e. It's my half birthday.)

Tuesday, March 20

Drive By

So I was driving across the Buckman Bridge tonight, listening to the radio. As I looked to my left a man was driving by...younger, good looking and at a glance the spitting image of one of my best friends from the early college days. The car was green, a two-door Honda accord with NY plates. My best friend's car had been a black, four-door Honda also with NY plates...close enough. And even though I hadn't thought about missing him in quite some time, tears came pouring out of my eyes. Out of nowhere, this great void opened up inside of my heart and it was like missing him for the first time. He had been the one I came home to over college breaks, scolding me if I did not call right away. I had seen him off on his first big missions' trip. He had been there the first time I ever gave a sermon in front of church, and he was the first one to hug me afterwards. He saw my insecurities and some of my failures. We both had disappointments. We ministered together for about 2 years. We played together on swings and camping trips and wherever else the opportunity came up. We prayed together. We talked about our futures and our dreams. I loved him very much.

But like I said in a recent blog, things change. And time changed our friendship. He fell in love with a beautiful girl and got married. I saw him on his wedding day. I saw him and I had to let go. I knew that I would probably not hear from him again for a very long time.

I had one friend who tried to convince me to tell him how I felt. Call it pride...call it wisdom...call it divine intervention...I still don't know what it was. I never told him. I never asked him to consider my heart before he gave his away to someone else. No, I don't regret it; I still wonder what would have happened. But even now, looking back...I know that all is as it should be.

It's just that tonight, when I saw that car...I was hit by surprise. I was hit by this immense loss that could never be returned again. I will never have that friendship again. I will never have this person back in my life. I will only have the memories. And so, it is much like a death. I didn't realize that this grief could still surface. Because in a very healthy way I had let go a long time ago. That is what I had had to do. Hanging on would never have changed the situation. His heart belonged to someone else and never to me. We both had different destinies to fulfill.

This is a very random blog tonight. I am still asking God what all of this means.

Sunday, March 18

Things Change

So, I love living in Florida. (Never thought I'd say that, but I do.) I haven't loved living anywhere for awhile, haven't felt like I wanted to settle down. But I can see myself here, in Jacksonville, settling down. My whole life, it has been one of my greatest desires to stay somewhere, to plant some roots. I have assumed that this would be the place and rightly so...my parents are here. I am done with college. I have a "secure" job. I love my church. I love the friends that God has given me here. I love the beach and how close I am to Orlando, Atlanta, Savannah, and the list goes on.

There is this very small, and I mean small, place in my heart that begs the question...will you ever return to NY? And when I hear it, I think NO I love it here, this is where I belong. Please do not be offended NY...I love you, I long to be there, I hate to leave when I am with you. It's just that I am not quite ready yet to contemplate this question. Seriously, the NY question is a blog in itself. Then there is this other place that suggests there are many other places in the world I still need to see. I dream of going to nations...literally dream. People speak words to me and pray prayers over me about going to the nations. I do not know what it will look like. I do not know what it all means. I just know that there is more than this city on the East Coast.

There is music inside of me. There are words yet unwritten, pages yet unturned. And I thought it would be here that my life would all make sense. It doesn't yet. And maybe it will soon. But all of a sudden as I come upon the 2nd year of my residence in the sunshine state, I am hit with the fact that this is not permanent. Even my friend Kate said to me tonight, "nope you won't stay here". How does she know?

But nothing is permanent. Things change. People move on. I have been humbled by that very realization this week. I couldn't buy the house I wanted. I found out that a couple friends of mine are moving. I have other friends leaving for military duty. My brother left for Iraq today. Other friends are getting married. A few are changing and moving in different directions and I don't see them very much anymore.

So either I can sit here and be disappointed and allow myself to feel displaced or I can move on as well. I can grab ahold of God and say, "What's next? Where do we go from here?" It's what I have done all my life. I have never stayed in one place for too long. I have never been able to set my roots in a community, or a group of people, or a piece of land for more than a season or two. My roots have become planted in the Lord. I go where He goes. It has never been easy, never. But the outcome has always been worth whatever pain it took to move on to the next place.

So all this to say, I am choosing to let go of my fears for what will happen tomorrow and to love what God has given me now. I am choosing to reach out and live and love and laugh as much as I can in this season. Because who knows when it will end? Who knows when the seasons will change and when these opportunities will come to an end? Who knows what will come next? God give us all grace to know when to let go and how to hold on to You.

Saturday, March 17

A Drink of Water

I sat and listened to two random stories tonight. One was the story of a friend who has feelings for someone she knows she should not have feelings for. The other was of a new acquaintance who sat and waited by the phone for a call that never came and who I think was on beer number seven as I left to go home.

As I listed to both stories, I thought of myself. Pure and simple. I thought about how the situations affected me. I contemplated the times when I sat in the very same seat they were sitting in. I knew exactly how they felt. But all I could offer was a nodding of the head and words like "I feel you on that one; I know exactly what you mean; you deserve better, etc."

Joyce Meyer said the other day, we cannot give others what we do not have ourselves. Simply put, I can't give you a glass of water, no matter how thirsty you are, if I do not have a glass of water in my possession. Tonight, I didn't have my glass of water. I had theories. I had empathy. I had experience. I had every good intention of listening and giving some sort of good advice.

All I could think of was Proverbs 19:22 - What a man desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar. This verse is speaking volumes to me about compromise and about waiting on God. It reminds me of the woman at the well, who said to Jesus...Why are you asking me for water? (which in parable form = unfailing love) And Jesus answered back "If you knew who I was you would be asking me for the water (the unfailing love that will cause you to never thirst again). Here was this woman...broken, disappointed, ashamed, tired...and Jesus said to her...give me your love. She couldn't (and He knew it)...she didn't know how to recognize love...she didn't have it left in her. She had traded the real deal for other loves a long time ago, for other treasures...treasures that never measured up, that never filled the void she felt so deep inside.

I wanted to be like Jesus tonight. But I didn't have answers. Sometimes, I still feel like that woman...so past the point of dreaming, but so hopeful that someday a savior would come to show me what unfailing love truly is. Sometimes, I want to be better now, to be confident now, to be hopeful now....so that I can pass it on. Is it okay to still not have the answers? Is it okay to still be in the midst of working it out? Is it okay not to fully understand yet?

I want to understand. I want to know why things work out the way that they do, why people hurt each other and walk away from each other. I want to know why plans are thwarted even after seeking the Lord and believing for the best. I want to have understanding. I want these things, because I want to be able to walk with hope and to give hope to others when they are hurting. I want to be able to trust the Lord more than I do today. I want to be able to speak life, because life has been spoken to me.

Friday, March 16

Relieved

January was the month I began to feel that I should step out in faith towards the things I thought were supposed to happen in my life. One of those things was buying a house. The other was going on a mission's trip. Plans for both seemed to be coming along fairly well. Until last weekend, when the condo (the one that had everything I wanted) became locked behind a door that I could not open. Talking with my realtor yesterday, she said to me.."I have never seen anything like this happen before." She talked with other realtors and they said, "We have never seen anything happen like this before." My realtor, who is a Christian, and I both agreed that it must have been the Lord who saved me from going through with the deal. Basically, I had prayed, God I'm moving forward and trusting that everything is in your hands....fill in the missing pieces and please don't let me make any mistakes that would be detrimental. I asked Him to swing the door wide open, or else shut it so that it could not be opened. I didn't expect the door to shut. But when it did....I felt...relieved. So it leaves me to thinking about this verse from Proverbs 19:

21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

His purpose must be greater than my plans for a house. Because now I don't feel like I am supposed to buy a house at all. I feel like I am supposed to stay where I am and continue doing the same things with my money that I was doing before. It is time for something new, but as to what that something is...I'm not sure I can grasp it yet.

Sunday, March 11

Goodbye Swish

I came home to find my fish tank covered with a towel and the filter unplugged. I knew right away that my dear little goldfish had passed on. I stood staring at her for quite awhile...hoping to see her big black eyes dart back and forth, hoping to see her gills opening for air. And truthfully, I wanted to see her breathe so much that I thought I did actually see it happen once or twice. Tapping on the glass did not help. So I turned the kitchen light off and headed for bed.

I've known for a couple of days that this was coming. She's been struggling to swim, laying at the bottom, hardly able to eat. I've been praying for her, singing to her (she loves singing), telling her how much I love her. She has had some health issues in the past, and usually when I pray she gets better. Her spots disappear, her energy increases. But this time was different. She was just about to turn 5 years old.

Her original name was Destiny, but I called her Swish for most of her life...this came about from incessant fish babble when looking at her bowl and talking to her...c'mon I know I'm not the only one who talks to their pet fish! Our meeting happened at a college picnic in the hot August weather of Tulsa, OK. An entire kiddie pool was filled with goldfish from Wal-Mart and my friend and I were put in charge of helping students fish for their own little pet. By the end of the day there were still at least 100 fish left over. We were going to have to dump them in the pond where the turtles and ducks also lived. Feeling much compassion and the need for something to take care of I began to pick out fish for myself. There was one that I particulary had my eye on, and trying as hard as I could I never could catch that one in the net. But then there was another fish...the one I didn't really want...the one that got caugh in my net every single time I went for the other. She (Destiny) ended up being one of the five I took home.

I put the five refugees in a small fish bowl and they all sucked air from the surface the entire night. The next day I learned that only one fish could and should be expected to fit in the bowl I had purchased. I had to find them new homes and I did...except for two...Faith and Destiny. Within about a week I came into my dorm room to find that Faith had died by swallowing a rock that was much to big for her...at least I think that had been the problem. That left Destiny.

And true to her namesake she stayed with me...back and forth, in the backseat of my car, from OK to NY at least two or three times during college breaks, through a long summer night in the college dorm tornado shelter, moving off campus to an apartment, staying with friends (who had a track record for killing fish) when I had to leave town, when we moved to Florida almost two years ago now. Even mom and dad loved her and took care of her more than I did when I moved back home.

Swish was my companion, my little reminder that sometimes we are blessed with things we didn't think we wanted. I will miss her welcome every morning. I will miss her excitement to talk with anyone who came near to her little fish tank. I will miss knowing she is there.

Thursday, March 8

Random DC Trip

I spent the weekend in DC with Jilli this past weekend. :) We did the tourist thing...which I haven't done for about 10 or 11 years.

Night tour of the memorials.
George Washington's garden.

Lincoln Memorial.
Jilli and me at the Capitol.
Mt. Vernon...it was a beautiful day but so cold...below freezing with the wind chill.
The Capitol Building.





This Is The Place

So, the house stuff is coming along...here are some furnished pics of the place...it won't be quite as trendy when I first move in...but you'll get the picture. 1900 square feet and my own personal screened in porch upstairs!!! Closing is in 2 weeks. I am praying for favor and finances, if anyone feels so inclined to pray along. :)

Backyard view
Living room and entryway

Back porch with new glass windows

Part of the kitchen with shutter that open to the dining room
Master bedroom...see the porch?? :)

Look at living room from upstairs...notice the long curtains cover sliding glass doors that lead to the porch.

Front view.