Belonging...a feeling I have often taken for granted. How good it is to be among friends and family; to be with those who I have held in my heart for so long. I am praying for the moments to slow down. I am praying for answers in this place where God's love is evident and strong. I am praying that I can open my heart and truly enjoy those around me. I am praying. He is close and I remember where I have come from. I remember and I am glad. There is peace in the place.

Home

I felt it again, that twinge in the pit of my stomach. As I sat across from a friend I had not seen in awhile, I was reminded of my spoken standards. I was reminded that I wanted more. I was reminded that there are others who hope for what I have almost given up on. I was reminded that, yes, love is possible. And not only love, but love that comes from knowing God. His is the best love. And yet I have already made a decision. I have an obligation to stick to my word. No, I have not committed my heart as of yet. No, I have not made life altering promises. But I am on the verge and I am afraid of my response when faced with the questions. Should I have said yes? Should I have been so open, so sincere? Where is wisdom and where is compromise? How do I share God's love without making myself vulnerable? As if that was even possible. How do I know when to stay and when to walk away? How do I get back on track? Am I on the right track? I can understand how Israel strayed. I never understood it before, but, now, faced with real life stuff, I can see the choice. Obviously, the choice is God, obviously. But, how and why and where and when?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowlege Him

and He WILL direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5,6

This year is almost at its close. A lot has happened, so much has changed. Out of the ashes, and through the fog, this is what rises up and resonates in my heart... I want to know God. I don't want to "think" that I know Him. I don't want to hide from knowing Him. I don't want to falsely claim that He is who I "hope" He is. I just want to know Him, to be sure and confident of His presence, to be sure and confident of His nature, to be sure and confident in the decisions that I make, to be sure and confident to live out this life He has given me to live. I want to know Him. Let it be so and let everything that stands in the way be moved.

Letting Go

Vivid pictures and emotions rise to the surface of my heart. I see relationships that have gone awry, attached to faces permanently etched into my memory. I see dreams, old, broken, and lost that never came to pass. I see the innocence of childhood and places that I have loved. I see my family and friends, far away, living their lives as they were meant to, as I live here where I was meant to.

Letting go has become a choice. It used to be the after effect of circumstances beyond my control. It used to bring with it a feeling of hopelessness. It used to be a place I returned to over and over again. It used to bring with it confusion, tug of war, and so many questions. But now, now, I am beginning to see a different side of things. Letting go brings freedom. A breathe of fresh air. A reason to see change. A hope for better things to come.

As I walk this path before me, I long for life. A Proverb in the Bible says that hope deffered makes the heart sick, but that hope fulfilled is a tree of life. I have seen many reasons for heartache, but this I know, God will perfect those things which concern me. That alone is my reason to move on and to never look back.

My parent's house in on the market today. This will be our last Christmas at Latta Road. I wonder what the new year will bring and where we will be. It's Saturday morning and I'm contemplating a shopping trip. Only two Saturdays left until Christmas. Two Saturdays until I'm on the long treck back to New York. My roomate just left twenty minutes ago for California...oh, for the days of college when I could go home right after finals! Everyone is heading home. I can count a bunch of close friends and acquaintances who are making permanent trips out of Tulsa. It's time for me to think about leaving too. The season is ending and I no longer want to stay in a place of memories. I keep wondering where to go. NY is not home. OK is not home. Home to me is where the people I care about most are there. But I'm not ready to follow my family to wherever they go. And without someone significant to make the decision with, the task seems larger than it should be.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;

They found no city to dwell in.

Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

And He delivered them out of their distresses.

And He led them forth by the right way,

That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,

And for His wonderful works to the children of men!

For He satisfies the longing soul,

And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107:4-9

So 2 years ago I struggled with a decision. My choice ended up being not to take a chance on someone who was asking me for it. I say it was a struggle because part of me really wanted to be with him, and the other part of me was scared to make that decision. What an idiot I was, like one of those fools tossed back and forth by the waves of the see. Within the past month, I keep thinking to myself, either I have changed, he has changed, or I never really saw what was there. It may be a combination of the three. I am now more willing to make my OWN decisions not based on what others around me would think. I am more willing to follow my heart and take part in a relationship. He seems more settled, more focused, more joyful. And there are parts of him that I know I never really took the time to see.

Here I am now with the opportunity to see what is there. And I see it. I see so much. I love every minute of being with him. And there's only two weeks left.

You know, here is what I am learning. I am learning that you can't force things. The best relationships happen naturally. You have to enjoy the day in front of you. I could sit here and regret my decisions two years ago (and I do). I could sit here and be sad that soon he will be more than 2,000 miles away (and I am). But I would miss the moments of friendship now. I appreciate him more at this point in my life. Maybe it's because I've had a chance to mature a little bit. Maybe it's because I know my time with him is short. Ughh...I don't know. But I do know that what little time I have left, I just have to take it for what it's worth and make the most of it. And even that is scary.

Someday, I hope that the time and place will be right. I still need time to mend and heal from this past year, this I know, though it's hard to admit. I also know that he is about to enter a new season of life, one that I could not compete with and would never wish to. I will wish him well as he leaves, knowing that it's best. But I won't like it, not one little bit. And way deep down I will hope for us to meet again.

This is a copy of the forward most recently sent to me. I really do not like forwards but this one was different and significant today.

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village malls.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering - waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!", we cry.

"When I'm 18."

"When I buy a new Harley."

"When I put the last kid through college."

"When I have paid off the mortgage."

"When I get a promotion."

"When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.

Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.

Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough. -Anonymous

There is much to be thankful for. Much.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you,
come let me love you, come love me again.

Annie's Song - John Denver

This song has been resonating in my head for the past two weeks or so. The words stand out to me as if God Himself were speaking them. "Come let me love you, come love me again." Last night, I had a striking revelation. I don't believe in love anymore. I doubt it's possibility, it's romantic existence in my life, it's power, everything. In the name of guarding and protecting, I have hardened myself. It is no wonder that I have not been able to express what I know is in me to express. It is no wonder that I have only been surviving and skimming the surface. It is no wonder that life's beauty seems so distant, so untouchable, so not for me. Without warning, I have given up.

My roomate and I watched Saved last night. It wasn't the best movie ever, but for some reason, I saw myself in the main character. I saw her heart, I saw her search, I saw how easily she had been deceived. She stood beneath the cross with her hands raised, speaking words that Christians avoid. And as much as I'd like to say that the movie did nothing to portray reality, I cannot escape the fact that tears came to my eyes.

What bothered me the most about this movie was the portrayal of love. Love was not among the so-called Christians, it was found among those who were outcast and immoral. Why is that? I'm not going to elaborate on that question right now, I have too many thoughts and not enought energy to type them all.

I have gone through the past couple of months managing not to "feel" too much. I go through the day pretty normal. I get my jobs done, eat, sleep, call my family, play my guitar, hug my kids. But I know that I am not living from my heart. There is a hardness that has crept in, mostly I think to save face in the midst of so many changes. My roomate commented on my stability in the face of circumstances and I suppose it is true. I have been surviving. But this past weekend the tears began. They began as I watched one of my students play with her dad at our fall party. They continued as I gave up my kitten b/c of allergies. Sunday had tears of emotion as my pastor surprised his wife with a renewing of the vows ceremony; which then turned my heart again to the heartache I have covered over. I just keep looking up and asking God, "What's going on? What are You doing?"

At church on Sunday we talked about the importance of loving without expectation of returned love. Does anyone realize how hard that is? When it comes down to it, is it not almost impossible not to expect at least a little something when we put our hearts out on the line? Well, time to cut the expectations again. Time to love without regret, without hope of holding on or winning the outcome.

God give me the wisdom to know the truth, and give me the courage to walk in it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the right words were said, with just the right person; a moment where your heart said, "yes", and you knew that everything was just as it should be? And what did that moment turn out to be? Was it lasting? Was it everything words spoken had promised it to be? How far did the moment carry?

I was in a moment where everything past and present came to a complete halt. My wandering ceased. My hurts began to heal. My questions began to have answers. I was at peace. So why did it not last? Why did I sense peace in a place that brought only destruction to my heart? It is this question that keeps me up at night. In the quietness of my drive home each day, it is the thought that flashes across my mind. And tonight, as I write, I wonder why I continue to choose the path leading to a broken heart.

In my heart of hearts, I see what he could be. I see the man that I loved before he was ever a man. How do you explain the hidden things that come only through the knowing of the heart? How do tell another that what you see is truth? How do you tell yourself to walk away when you know that there is more left undiscovered? What is this hope that I cling to? False or true? Vain or worthy? Pretentious or humble? What is hope and where should it be applied? If not here, where? When you love someone, is it not without regret, without condition, without circumstance? And does love mean that I should be near him? Or is it possible that my love means more in absence?

God knows my prayers. He knows my desire. I await His answers and I await the revealing of His plan. Only He can know the pain of loving someone enough to let them walk away. But I wonder. What was all of this for? And how much more full and wonderful is love's potential? If I may refer to a fairy tale here, what was it in Beast that drew Beauty? And what was it in Beauty that brought life again to Beast? I want to know. I want to see it. I want to be changed by it.

The air crisp, the days short,

and I am waking up for the winter ahead.

This new season has crept in both quietly and with determination.

I recognize it well,

although circumstances would defer

to say that life could not ever look the same

Comforted with silence

I hear of better days to come.

I had almost forgotten how to sit quietly.

There was work to be done, conversations to be had, music to be played.

But this silence,

this forgotten gift,

this absence of things that would otherwise distract me from my search,

startles me once again.

I am searching for him.

Or rather, I am aware that he is searching for me.

Maybe this time

I will come closer.

Maybe this time my determination will not be dismantled by some other less fulfilling search.

Maybe I have been on the right path all along.

Leaves falling, wind blowing

Season changing

I am me, yet never the same

and he, the constant,

the one who leads me to love.

"What brought life to you today?"

For me, it was when I sat still long enough to watch my kids play in the classroom. I listened to their laughter, soaked in their smiles, listened to their questions, watched their creations. They were full of life.

And the sky was beautiful today. Clouds endless and layered, sun filtered, blue sky bright. The wind was perfect; its breezes calming my heart and caressing my face.

God brought life today through the laughter of children and through the beauty of nature. I felt healing after the shock of what seemed like such an unfair death this past weekend. Someone so young, so well-loved, so striving to get his life straight...shouldn't he have had a chance? I just have to trust that God holds Him now in Heaven and has a purpose beyond these circumstances.

God show my heart the truth. Show me how to live better from here.

Death came so quickly, friend. I will miss you.

Shall we gather at the river,

Where bright angels he has brought,

With it's crystal tides forever

Flowing by the throne of God
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,That flows by the throne of God
Ere we reach the shining river

Lay we every burden down,

Praise our spirits will deliver

And provide our robe and crown.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God
Soon we'll reach the shining river,

Soon our pilgimage will cease,

Soon our happy hearts will quiver

With the melody of peace.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God.

~Robert Lowry~

It's been awhile...
All is well. Driving home from work the other day I realized that much of the weight has been lifted. What a relief. The past seems really to have passed. At the same time, I do not deny that there are issues below the surface that God is dealing with...heart issues. Although the initial pain is gone, I know that more healing is bound to be on the way. And for that, I am glad. God is good.

Driving home from work today, I was exhausted. I thought about how much I was looking forward to the weekend. I thought about how I would sleep in and get caught up on some much needed rest, cleaning, and shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and stopped to grab my mail near the front entrance gate. I grabbed the mail, walked back out to the car, and then, one of those moments that you expect to happen but never know is really coming, came. A Honda Civic pulled into the parking lot in front of me. Not uncommon, but when I looked at his face it was one that I had never wanted to see again. My weekend would not be what I had hoped.

What the hell? I had a few choice words as I prayed under my breath.

No, it wasn't Shawn. It was a guy I had shut the door on 5 years ago. He "heard" from the Lord that we were supposed to get married. I did NOT hear the same thing and told him so. I have told him so...over and over and over again. Recently (for the past year) I have ignored him. And yet, he still sends flowers, letters, long letters. Nothing seems to deter him. Flattering? No. Disturbing, yes.

My heart has gone from one extreme to the next. It's like a test of my temperment. With Shawn I was vulnerable, sweet, interested. With this guy, I am disinterested, hard hearted, ungrateful.

My God, my heart must lie in the midst of this somewhere.

No, now that I think more about it, proving my own legitimacy with God was not the reason that I stayed with him. I really and truly loved him. I wanted it to work out. But it didn't.

Now what? I am faced with questions. Do I answer them or let them float around the mystery that is my heart? If I try and explain it away, he is wrong...I am right...and the world I live in does not change.

I don't even like to talk about it anymore. The only reason it ever comes up is so that I can prove that I wasn't a total idiot in the situation. I mean, why else do we feel the need to retell our break up stories?

I keep praying for his healing...the deep healing I know that he needs. He has been hurting for more years than I have known him, and I have only tasted the backlash of that pain. But the truth is, I am hurting too. I forget that there are wounds I need to tend to here. I forget that I know the Healer. And I am walking around with masking tape to cover my own brokeness. Every day, I wake up and I try to forget. But forgetting is not the same as restoring.

I can feel the hardness begin to creep in as I turn up the radio to drown the sorrows of my heart. The beat is fast, the music driving, the words cutting and precise...I feel stronger.

But I am not strong, Lord. I am weak. Take me up from here and help me to move on. Show me the way to go.

Sitting out on my balcony tonight I began the basic run down of what had gone wrong. My thoughts began with the question, "why did he push me away?" He told me that he didn't have the capacity to meet the needs that I had. He told me that it wasn't worth his time and energy. Shocking. Mostly because those same words had been supposedly preempted with "I love you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life of you". How does that balance out? Yeah, still wondering about that. Anyways, I felt as if he was being selfish. I was hurt that he could say he loved me and then go on and not prove it with his actions. It was then that I began to piece together a pattern that I had seen all along. I realized...he doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't even know how to love himself. Therefore, how could he reach out and love me or anyone else for that matter? He works so hard to prove to everyone that he can take care of things, that he doesn't need anyone to do it for him. And at the end of the day, he is alone.

But my thoughts and ultimate conversation with Lord went on from there. I began to think about why it was so important that Shawn and I stay together. Why was it so important that things work themselves out? Of course, I loved him. Of course I wanted to see good things for him. Of course I wanted him to walk out his life with joy and abundance and peace. But there was more. I saw a pattern in my own life. I wanted to see him saved because that meant that my testimony meant something. His salvation meant that all was not in vain. His salvation justified that my walk with the Lord was right and good. Wow.

Talk about raw honesty here...I don't even believe in myself and in my own walk with the Lord.

I have about three good friends, Shawn included, that I have prayed for for years. I am still waiting to see them come into the kingdom. I know that they will. I guess the question lies in this, will I trust God to help them run their race? Will I trust God to continue to work in their lives as I move on in my own. Will I trust Him as I let go? Because the truth is that they belong to Him. The truth is that I have to move on.

I have my own race to run.
Lord, help me to believe You. Help me to believe in me again.

"The fact is, at this point in our journey, we have only three options: 1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted." (The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge)

From The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge: "One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way...'Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet posssessing everything' (2 Cor. 6:10)..If we will remain open to sorrow, we can know joy. Somehow being empty allows us to make others rich. And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising-that all is ours...Once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release." The author of this book says that there are two things that pierce our hearts...affliction and beauty. He goes on to say that beauty is what heals our hearts after great affliction. I took a walk today and looked up at the blue sky. I smelled the greenery of the landscape where I live. I felt the warm breeze of a cooler August day. I felt better, not so caged in by the agony of the past few days. I remember that seven years ago, when I was going through the very same heartache, the only thing that gave me any sense of hope was finding a patch of blue sky to focus on. I have no idea why it made me feel better. I just knew that if the sky could show some sort of clearing, that so too my heart could find a way to be clear of the gloom that surrounded it. My heart aches at the thought of the past six weeks, the past 10 years. I wanted it so badly, wanted it to finally work, wanted to see the miracle I was sure of. A few weeks ago, I was glad that I had found freedom to live my life. Today, I am still glad. The pain is an indicator that I am alive, that I am still able to feel. And although what I had thought was a sure thing was not, I am sure that God has had a plan all along. I am sure that God is restoring my heart. I am sure the He will do as He promised and make all things new.

Resilience
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Resilient
1 : Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.
2 : Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

http://dictionary.reference.com/

I watched The Notebook last night with my roomate and another friend. Yes, it was a chic flick. Yes, I did shed a few tears (which surprisingly does not happen too often). I made a connection with the storyline though: two people fall in love as teenagers, are separated by life circumstances, and then find each other again at just the right time.

The movie is told from the perspective of an old and gray couple who are experiencing their last days. I have hardly seen such a beautiful portrayal onscreen of lifelong love...true love. It was weird, there were lines in this movie that I have said myself, there were moments that I have lived. And they were not just the romantic, goosebump moments. They were the painful, heartbreaking moments. The ones where, if you aren't living in the movie, you think you are seeing the end of the relationship.

Which brings me to my point. Love, true love, pure in form and created by God, is resilient. I didn't think about that word until tonight when I hung up the phone. For about a week I have been feeling hopeless. I'm having a hard time not giving up. But the truth is, this thing has lasted through years of circumstance and changes. It has risen from the dead when I thought life could no longer exist. He is the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. When I am old and gray it is his hand that I want to hold. And so I have to trust that this love will be enough to hold us in the days to come.

God, you are love. Hold us and lead us as we walk out our days.

I had forgotten that the act of following our hearts is full of risk and consequences. I had forgotten until just this week how raw and vulnerable I could actually feel.

My reality is questioned on all sides. I stand alone, knowing the direction that I have wanted to take and straining to see if that is really where I am headed. My greatest strength and weakness lie in the same place. I dream beautiful dreams and then believe that they will surely come to pass. And it's not that I am a hopeless romantic full of fairy tale ideas that will never come true. It's not that I feel the need for something flawless and perfect. I just want the best.

I have walked away from the church, and found that I am only a child in my walk with God. And I have trusted a heart that may not be trustworthy at all. I am not even going to contemplate the choices I have made recently. I am not going to live in regret. I went forward with a full heart and I will continue to do so. It's only that...I am remembering the pains of a struggle I faced long ago. I felt sure that all would be different this time. And it might be that all will turn out better than I can see right now. But it looks empty and dark in this room.

Paul said that he had learned to be content whatever his circumstances happened to be. Well, there is a novel idea. Easier said than done, Paul, but I think you've touched on something. I was reflecting on this verse as I walked into Wal-Mart to return the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie. Nothing out of the ordinary, except my heart was aching to be with someone 100 miles away. There is nothing I can do to be closer to him right now. There is too much to be talked out, figured out, planned out. I want it all settled now. I want security now. But I am learning that prayer is the key. Prayer puts my heart at peace in the midst of chaos. It is giving birth to confidence in the God who has given me the gift of faith. It is giving me the strength to believe that hope does not disappoint us. It is giving me the ability to wait upon God.

What if I could be content with him or without him? Is that possible? Will there ever come a time when I will be with him every day? Will there ever come a day when I will be secure that he will never leave again? I am trusting that God hears my prayers. I am trusting that God is moving in the midst of us.

I wonder if he hears the tears in my voice when I hang up the phone. I wonder if he feels the same kind of longing. I wonder if he is making plans. I wonder what God is speaking to his heart. Only time and faith will tell I suppose.

Love is patient.

Fresh air

Your warm breath

My weary head upon your chest

And nothing else could

Steal away this place

But do not leave

Cause here alone

I am still

Til you are home

Come home

Come home

To me

@art

Walt Whitman ~ excerpt from Song of the Open Road


The earth expanding right hand and left hand,
The picture alive, every part in its best light,
The music falling in where it is wanted, and stopping where it is not wanted,
The cheerful voice of the public road?the gay fresh sentiment of the road.

O highway I travel! O public road! do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared?I am well-beaten and undenied?adhere to me?
O public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you?yet I love you;
You express me better than I can express myself;
You shall be more to me than my poem...

From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos?d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

...You move me

You give me courage I didn't know I had,

You move me

I can't go with you and stay where I am so,

You move me

Here is how love was to me

I could look and not see

Going through the emotions

Not knowing what they mean

And it scared me so much

That I just wouldn't budge

I might have stayed there forever

If not for your touch

You move me

Out of myself and into the fire

You move me

Burning with love and with hope and desire,

How you move me....

~Susan Ashton~

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life,

and there are few who find it.

Matthew 7:13,14

I have been living on the surface for such a long time.  It made me feel safer I think.  After all, fear is not so easily noticed at the bottom of the ocean.  And this ocean inside of me is starting to churn; the tides are changing.  I'm not sure what to do.  I'm not sure what is right.

I am seeing things in me that I hate.   It is hard to love myself much less believe in the love that someone else has for me.  I am returning to the place of my brokeness so long ago.  And the brokeness that I covered up is about to be revealed again.

God, lead me to the truth.  Lead me to freedom.  Let the healing begin.

Life has changed drastically in a matter of days.  I no longer have a church.  I am with someone whom I have longed to be with.  And life as I know it has ceased to exist.

IF I tried to explain my current situation to a number of friends who have known me quite well throughout the past few years, I can see the look of concern my comments would raise.  After all, I am not searching for a new body of believers yet.  I just can't.  I have to sit down and pray and walk with God through this season unhindered.  What, how can brothers and sisters in Christ hinder me?  Well, how can they manipulate and control to the point of paralyzing those around them?  That's exactly what has happened to me here and I am not about to jump into another place where that could happen again.  I need time.  I want to heal.  I want to gain strength.  I want to know God for myself.

And the guy.  :)  Well, he has resurfaced too many times in my life to just walk away again.  I had to see WHY we both ended up in the same place.  I had to see why I missed him so much at times in my life, including these past couple of months.  Chalk it up to getting over someone, I used to do that, but the truth is this happens like twice a year for the past seven.  The truth is we always come back to each other.  A lot has happened to both of us.  We have lived very opposite lives.  But in the midst of it all, we just love each other, truly love each other.  I'm walking this out for once without giving up.  I am not backing away, even if I get scared.  I have told God this.  If this is not of Him, He will make it clear to us both.  I am full of hope.

Life is going to get interesting again.  I'm finally living my life.

I spent tonight writing letters from the heart. The first letter was to my pastors telling them that I was leaving the church. The second letter was an apology to a family ("my family") that had been cut off from the church. The third, a letter to someone whom I hope continues to be a part of my life. And the fourth, a letter to a person that I have deeply loved and then lost. These letters have been circulating inside of me for months now. I have been under such a heavy pressure that my heart has literally ached. I can't hold it inside anymore. Matters of the heart are not meant to be hidden away. They are meant to be shared with those whom we love the most. They are meant for the light, to illuminate the dark places that we seek to understand. God meant for our hearts to be good, He meant for our hearts to know truth.

There comes a time when obedience is the only option for survival. The "right" thing is not always the obvious choice. The "right" thing is not always the path so cleanly laid out before us.

Tonight, I faced my fears. I pressed the send key. Now, these people will know the truth about me. They will know that I want to leave. They will know that I am sorry for wrong things that have been done. They will know that they are thought of and special to me. They will know that they are not forgotten. And in the midst of this, my heart is laid to rest. I have done what I can do today to stand. And now I wait for God to restore and to heal and to set straight the things that have confused me for so long.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22:33~

Surely your salvation is coming;
Behold His reward is with Him, and His work is before Him.
~Isaiah 62:11~
-Thanks for pointing this one out bro.

This slow but nagging thought continues to come at me. "I might be in a place I did not have to come to." Somewhere, back down the road, I dropped my heart off and continued on traveling. What if I had listened? What if I had chosen different relationships, different endeavors? Where would I be now? Would my heart be so broken? Would I be so confused? Would I be more confident about WHO I am supposed to be? Then, I think, "No, God works ALL things together for good. I'll be fine." But I am not fine. I am afraid. I am afraid of the battle, I am afraid of fire, I am afraid of letting go.

When I let go, truly let go, I know that I am going to free fall for what seems like an infinite moment. And in that infinite moment, I am sure that I will forget that He created me to fly. I don't want to face that moment. On this side, I only dream of what could be. On the other side, the dreams become reality. Right now, I am struggling. I have been clinging to all that feels safe for as long as I can remember. I have been afraid to go it alone, because I don't believe that I can. I have not believed that my heart was good. I have not believed that I could hear the voice of God.

So when the sun rises tomorrow, I am going to muster up as much courage as I can and I am going to look for the mustard seed of faith that has been missing for quite some time. If only I could find faith, I might begin to fly.

The Lord is close to those who are broken hearted.

Ps. 147:3; Ps. 34:18

This has got to be one of my most favorite country songs ever...

Pat Green ~ Wave on Wave

Mile upon Mile I got no direction
We're all playing the same game
We're all looking for redemption
Just afraid to say the name
So caught up now in pretending
What we're seeking is the truth
I'm just look for a happy ending
All I'm looking for is you

It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave

I wandered out into the water
I thought that I might drown
I don't know what I was after
Just know that I was going down
That's when she found me
I'm not afraid anymore
She said, you know I always had ya baby
Just waiting for you to find what you were looking for

It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave

Wave on Wave
Wave on Wave

The clouds broke and the angels cried
You ain't gotta walk alone
That's why he put me in your way
You came upon wave on wave

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave

The house with a broken heart...

That is what we now call my childhood home. It belonged to my great grandfather who raised my dad's dad along with 10 other brothers and sisters. It was a farmhouse that witnessed Polish dances, weddings, funerals, many parties, games of checkers, Saturday nights of Hee-Haw, and endless hours of rocking on the front of porch. The porch is gone now, along with the outhouse which remained until we moved in fourteen years ago and added indoor plumbing. My father's dream was to renovate his grandfather's old, broken down farmhouse. So, that is exactly what we did, for seven years. Sitting on almost 200 acres of land, it was the home that inspired the imaginations of three young children. In my mind, it is the home that I go back to over and over and over again. It is the place where I run through fields and wade through creeks, the home where I lay in the long grass and watch clouds drift over me. It is the home where my brother and I chase each other through corn fields and fly over snow-covered banks in our tobaggan. It is a million memories that have only emotions attached, memories that I could not explain, except to say that they shaped who I am today. We were the last to live in this old house. We were the last to enjoy the comforts of its four walls. It is now sunken off of its foundation. My own bedroom has a skylight where large tree branches have fallen through. The windows are broken; vines cover the siding. There is no longer a porch and the yard is more like an overgrown field. This "farm" was once so prominent that the whole hill was named after our family name. It is now forgotten, grown over, old, broken.

I was there today. My sister and I walked the old paths with insects flying around our heads and prickers stabbing through our jeans. The creek still runs beneath the ground, evident by our mud soaked sneakers. A sign of life.

Another sign of life...roses blooming where they have been blooming for a hundred years. They have not given up. Even when my aunt transplanted a few pieces to where she lives, hours away, they surprisingly revived and began to bloom again.

Bittersweet. This place, a conduit of life in my childhood, is now dying. No matter how I feel, I cannot revive it. I cannot go back and repair the damage. My place is not there anymore. The only thing left for this house is to fall in. The only thing left for the land is to continue on its own. The only thing left for me is the memory.

I feel as if I left with a broken heart. And when I look at the rest of my family, my grandfather, my aunts and uncles, my parents, my siblings, I see that in a way all of our hearts have been broken. It wasn't the house itself, no. The house only symbolizes the heart of our family. It is a mystery to me, where the broken heart began, and even more so how it has spread to the members of our family tree.

Lord, you are close to those who are brokenhearted. Restore us once again. Restore the joy of our salvation, and renew a right spirit within us.

Dear "Anonymous",

I just read your recently posted comment to my blog. You pose a good question. Truth is, I think I probably look a lot to the people around me for affirmation. I have this desire way down deep inside of me to be seen in a good light. I mean, don't we all? I have probably let that desire override a good portion of my life decisions. How does one get out of that cycle? I am finding myself in the midst of a lot of unpopular decisions this year. These unpopular decisions are the dividing line between continued and discontinued friendships. I believe, in some way, that the cycle is being broken. The question remains, however, what is my heart really saying? I have spent too many moments worrying about the hearts of others, and not enough listening to the cries of my own. I have doubted that anything in my heart is right and good. I have forgotten that I have the ability to hear even God's voice speaking to my heart.

So thank you for the pointed question and the reminder. My eyes are on the Lord. He alone is my help and my salvation.

Well, after a long drive I have made it home again. All of my thinking, all of my mulling things over, all of my crying, and all of my pleading with the Lord has come to a complete halt. For this week, while I am here, the Lord has instructed me only to "listen". Whenever I try to figure out the road ahead, I am faced with this clear direction..."listen". Whenever I begin to think about circumstances that I feel need my attention, all I hear is "listen". So I am listening. And I think that for the first time, in a long time, I am hearing the clear voice of God. Tangible directions have not been given yet. I still do not know about jobs, or placement, or relationships, or anything. But now, after so long, the peace of God is loud and clear. And the peace of God, surpasses my understanding in these moments of uncertainty.

Silence is the sound of the evening. I walked into my apartment after a night of work and all I could hear were my footsteps inside the door. I love this sound. It means that I can rest. I leave for NY the day after tomorrow. My sister is graduating from high school. Amazing how time flies. I am wishing that I did not have to go alone. I am wishing that I had someone along for the ride. Ah, well, like I said, silence can be a wonderful thing. I'll have time to think about him, and about leaving, and about where God is taking me in this new season. I'll have time to pray, and to sing, and to cry. I look forward to the possibilities of running into new people. I look forward to seeing the familiar places that settle my heart after long absences away. I'll probably go visit my grandfather's grave; probably go visit the old farmhouse where I grew up. Then, perhaps I'll think about going to see his parents, but I won't, because I am sure that staying away is better. I promised him I would do so. But I'll think about it, nonetheless. I also thought about checking to see if there were openings in the small school where I grew up. I have always prayed for that community and have wondered if I would end up back there. Do I really want that yet? I don't know. Like I said, I'll be praying along the way.

I also went out with Paul after work tonight. We have reached a one year milestone in our friendship. It wasn't until tonight that I realized how comfortable I am with him. I feel guilty a lot of the time for not giving in to the desire that I see on his face. He takes me out, calls me on the phone, genuinely cares about the happenings in my life. I feel as if I have done nothing to bless him in return. All I have is me; all I have is my friendship. I can't make my heart feel more. So, I always pray for God to richly bless his life, for blessing mine so abundantly.

Tonight, I'll end with Psalm 143:3-8

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.

"You are so...grown up"

Please remind me never to consider dating someone three years younger. Although the night was incredibly interesting and the conversation good, I couldn't help but think I was out of my league. Granted, he had pushed for the date, he had made the calls, but I in turn agreed. It was his music that caught my attention. He plays in a blue grass band. He loves the same band that I do..Nickel Creek. He even took me to his house and played the Harry Dulcimer, the most beautiful, life-filled notes I have heard in a long time. And if that wasn't enough, we rode around in his Jeep at sunset, with the top down and the doors off. He lives in what I like to call Thomas Kinkadeville (picture perfect homes, with picture perfect lights and landscapes); his backyard is a PGA certified golf course. So what did we do? We walk on the greens at dusk. Every detail of the night seemed "perfect". Walking into his home was like walking into the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, and of course his mother rattled of something like.."if I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned earlier." She was obviously looking at a differet house than I had just walked into. Did I mention that both of his parents are elementary school principals? His father would have hired me last week but thought I had gone back to NY. All this "perfection" was a bit too much for me.

In the midst of it all, what was around me did not matter. What mattered was that this guy I spent the night getting to know, had not captured my heart. His music captured my heart, his lifestyle captured my interest. But he was not who I loved. And I know that I cannot always judge things from the beginning, I know that...but that does not change the sounds of my heart.

Last night, he expressed his interest in "dating me more". He claimed that out of all the girls he has recently dated I am the most interesting. I can hold the best conversation and am the most enjoyable to be around. In his words, I am "so mature, so....grown up". Okay, okay...hold the phone. While I know that these are perfectly wonderful compliments, I found that the delivery was a bit comical. All of a sudden, I was talking to a school boy, and that was not romantic...not in the least.

I stumbled across your picture tonight. Well, actually I was looking for it. Still, my heart stopped for a moment and all of my thoughts came to a complete halt. You see, for weeks now, you have been invading my thoughts. I miss your friendship, I miss your smile, I miss you. I went for a long period where I did not think too much about you. Over time you faded into the gray of things past. But you surfaced, you have always surfaced. Why? Why are you so intent on holding me in this tug of war? The last time I saw you, I silenty said over and over again, "If all the world faded away, I would want to be here; I would want to stay with you." Your presence brought a security and comfort to me. What is it about you? What is it? And why, in the final moments, have I always been so sure that "this" wouldn't work? When I looked into your eyes tonight, you looked so sad. I prayed for you, prayed about this whole thing. I hope you are well. I hope that your life is becoming settled. Know that even though I can't be with you, I love you.

A place to belong,
A place where my heart is at rest,
Will I ever find it?
Will there ever be total peace in my heart?
I feel as if life is just one big search for rest, for peace.
But I don't think it was meant to be that way.
What about overcoming?
What about walking in the fullness that God has for us?
What about God giving us the desires of our heart?
What about rising above our circumstances and experiencing joy in everyday life?

There has been a question rising up in my heart for over a year now. The question nags at me. It brings to the balances the decision of staying or leaving. Do I stay where I have learned to function and "belong", or do I leave in search of the something greater that my heart longs for? The thing is, I do not know what that greater thing is. I only know that right now I am not TRULY satisfied. Is it me? Or is it God? Is it the enemy luring me away from the good that God has in store? Or is the Lord, who is full of mercy, giving me time to figure out that it has been His voice all along? I am at peace when I am at the place I have been for so long. But when I leave, the constant nagging and questioning overrides the peace and security I felt in my moments of being "there" in the place of security.

I don't know if I have the courage to disappoint those who are with me now. If I disappoint them, I am very sure that I would lose relationships. I love these people. I am sure that they love me. I do not know if breaking away would cause a permanent rift, however. I am afraid of leaving discouragement in their hearts. I am afraid that I would be wrong and break trust if I ever decided to return. I am afraid that I would not know where to go from here.

I am waiting for the perfect timing. When is that? How will I know? The timing of the Lord is perfect. He does all things well. Lord, bring your peace and lead me out in peace.

Oh lead me
To the place where I can find you
Oh lead me
To the place where you'll be

Lead me to the cross
Where we first met
Draw me to my knees
So we can talk
Let me feel your breath
Let me know you're here with me

Copyright © Furious? Records.

Ughh...another moment of writer's block.

I woke up this morning to look at the caller id on my cell phone. It was ringing with "unknown" in the window. I thought to myself..."better answer, after all it could be a call from Iraq". Now, I have never received a call from someone across the ocean. I don't even remember talking to my brother when he was overseas. I was not even expecting a phone call. But when I answered it was, in fact, the long lost voice of my friend Joe, calling from the front lines of the war.

All weekend long, I have felt a strange weight about something. The longer I keep in contact with soldiers who fight for freedom, the more I read about the stories that are taking place, the closer I feel to the front lines. Have I seen or tasted of the death that they face all day long? No. Have I slept in the bitter sands and missed the sight of home? No. But my heart breaks, for the soldiers who lay their lives down, for the oppressed people of Iraq who long for freedom.

This war, like all in ages past will shape the history of this world. Out loud I ask, what is this world coming to? In my heart, I cry out, why this way? I have only understood war from the perspective of a text book. I have heard stories, romantic and gruesome, of strangers who sacrificed their lives and won victories for the freedoms I enjoy today. This is the first time that I know those who are there. This is the first time that I can connect those around me with the current events we are now facing. I have no words to describe the aching inside of me. I feel helpless. I feel humbled. I am in awe.

And now, after reading A Table in the Presence, I feel as if I have seen a new facet of the power of God. Indeed, He is moving among the nations. His purposes will be accomplished. War is necessary, inevitable, powerful, effective. It is gruesome, heart wrenching, terrible, full of death. One seeks power by selfishly twisting and infringing upon the statutes of freedom, the other seeks freedom from that power. I know Jesus. I know the end result. I know that He seeks the peoples of those nations who are at war. I know that He longs to be known by them. The picture is bigger than you and I. It is bigger than one war. It is bigger than only one country. God is moving among the nations. Behind this war there is a people struggling for life. And beyond every news report is a story of God's faithfulness. He is restoring. He is bringing new life. Lord, let us see it with our eyes too. Restore our hope in the days to come.

Today I received a present from one of my students. He had hidden it at my desk, so I opened it alone before class formally started. I could tell that he had taken much time and thought for the wrapping process. Daniel had written a note, in his broken English, who knows what it really said. :) He had then attached a gift to the note, wrapped in crumpled up notebook paper with ducktape securely in place. To top it off, a peppermint candy was placed beside the gift. (It was later eaten by Daniel.) The gift itself was a large pearl necklace with other beads attached. He later came and made sure that I had received the gift and that I liked it. He then told me that he had rescued it from being thrown away by his mother. His gift was precious. It came from his heart. He made my day. And although Daniel never sits in his seat, never really seems to listen when we are learning in class, and never stops tapping, twirling, drumming, or talking, I totally believe that somehow I have made a difference.

I don't know if I have taught these kids any academics that they will remember. (but I sure hope so) I don't know if I have given them enough structure or discipline to learn by. What I do know is that above and beyond learning how to tell time and count money, I want them to know their worth. I want them to know that they can walk in love and forgiveness. I want them to realize that they do not have to walk bitter as many of their parents do. I want them to believe in themselves enough to try and to problem solve. I want to see them push for something better. These are the true lessons that will get them through the hardships of life. These are the lessons I want to base my teaching around.

So I haven't been very faithful to my blog lately, but that does not discredit the fact that my life has been overwhelmingly full of thoughts that I hope one day will transform into words. So to you who are faithful to check up on me every once in awhile...all is well. Transition time is here.

Right now, there is a very large thunderstorm brewing outside. I am wondering if a tornado will take place somewhere in the vicinity. Of course, I have not been in Oklahoma long enough to recognize the difference in the shapes of thunderstorm clouds vs. tornado clouds. I have only been here long enough to know that any storm excites the weathermen, who give detailed accounts of pertinent information that must interrupt regularly scheduled programming. So right now I am going to turn on the tv. Okay, still just a thunderstorm.

Anyways, I am reading a book called A Table in the Presence by Lt. Carey H. Cash. He talks about being on the front lines of the current war that we are facing. He was with the first groups to enter Iraq. Miracle after miracle occured and God protected these men on the front lines. Many soldiers have committed their lives to Christ. What an amazing story that we do not hear from CNN or any other public news network. My faith has been both challenged and encouraged. Every person Christian or otherwise needs to read the account of these soldiers who faced death all day long and whose God delivered them out of their affliction.

My friends Joe and John are there right now, on the front lines in Iraq. My life will never be the same because of their courage and their faith. They are sacrificing their lives all day long for people who do not understand the freedom that they bring and the sacrifice they are willing to make. Even children throw rocks at them, and still they lay their lives down. God recently reminded me of this verse which I sent in an email to Iraq...

For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

Christ was hated by those that He died for. He brought freedom to those who did not understand and could not perceive the great gift He had brought to them. These soldiers carry the same job with honor. We Christians should carry the call just as firmly, just as resolute.

The eve of college graduation is upon me. And for the occasion I am writing from a brand new laptop, courtesy of my family. They arrived today with lots of hugs and laughter. I love them. I miss them. Lord, help me to look in their eyes and appreciate every small moment that passes this weekend.

Last night I questioned hope. Tonight, I heard the same words from J. We both came from the same family. We both have responded in separate ways. I took the route of compliance, doing anything and everything to please others, in order to be accepted. J. backed away, avoiding places of social discomfort because that is where he was safe. We were both vulnerable. In my vulnerability, I let others define who I became. In his vulnerability, he did not allow himself or others to see the potential that lay below the surface of his broken heart. I overdosed on relationships, while he longed to know the taste of even one or two. Wow.

Now what? How do we change? How do we look inside of our hearts and become the man and woman that God created us to be? How do we overcome this fear? How do we get out of this performance mentality that either propels us towards destruction or paralyzes us from the destiny we were created for? In the words of J., "I don't even know where to begin."

But the word I hear from God tonight is this, "The old has gone. The new has come." It's a new season. God show us how to begin. Show us the fullness of your heart. Teach us to walk in Your path, to delight in Your way. Let us know fullness of joy, let us taste true love, let us know how to dwell in good and pure relationships, let us learn how to trust. Amen.

With all my heart I want to believe that God is good. With my mouth I confess it daily. Then where is the hope that breathes life into this waiting period of my life? What does hope look like?

Things are not always as they seem...cliche'. But it's true. Tonight I have been informed of facts I did not know. I saw this world I've been living in from a different perspective. Have a I been a victim of ignorance? Have I been an aid to the institutions that are bringing me detriment? These are both large, general questions that I am not ready to answer. Lord, bring the truth to light and lead me in Your way.

Usually around Valentine's Day I find myself wishing for someone special to spend it with. This year, not so. Why? Well, partially I think because I was getting attention I did not ask for. I received two bouquets of roses and sentiments from guys I am not particularly interested in. Although I was flattered, at the same time, I felt a lot more obligation to be more appreciative than I actually was. One of the guys spoils me unconditionally, knowing that we are only friends. The other lives in a fantasy world, with me starring as his future wife (no kidding, apparently God really shared this information with him). Yuck. And although the first is totally genuine, I just cannot return the same feelings. Anyways, it could just be that I am finally content with this season of my life. It really is nice to settle in, to enjoy each day, to know that I don't have to be "with someone" to be happy. I like spending random quality time with friends, I like being dedicated to my job, I like taking naps when I get home. I like that I don't have to worry about anyone right now, unless I choose to. Of course, the dream is there. The dream of falling in love and having a best friend for life. I look forward to that. But I don't depend on it anymore. I'm tired of putting my hope in relationships that were never meant to be. I'm tired of wrong expectations and wrong motives. I want to live with a pure heart, open and honest with the people God has placed in my life. And one day, I am sure that there will be someone who exceeds every expectation, every hope, every dream. I look forward to him, to that season.

God-given friendships are my favorite.

Is it possible to walk forward when you do not know which direction is forward? Is forward always the obvious answer? It's time for me to start walking. Time to stop contemplating the consequences if I do make a wrong choice. I need to just make a choice and stick with it. Then, trust that God will right all the things I am sure to screw up along the way. Having "arrived" at one of my arrival points just recently...young and independent with a college degree...I find that I am totally dependent on God and still have a long ways to go. But to where? Where is my real destination? The whole point really is that I am on a journey. But unlike "choose your own adventure" I can't go back and read the book again. I have to choose and totally invest my heart and my life to those things that I do choose. I can't look back. So how do I look forward? That's my question of the evening.

In the midst of holding together a chaotic first grade classroom today I realized that time is a necessary process within the art of teaching. There was no way that smooth transitions and awe inspiring lessons would occur on the first day of class. Today was the my third day with them and I think I almost caught 20 seconds of silence as some kind of information, I assume, was flowing into their little minds. The rest of our time was spent with reminders about talking out of turn and roaming around the classroom and staying on task. Three of them have cried because I held them accountable for their choices. I hate holding them to the consequences more than they hate receiving them. My conscience reminds me, however, that allowing their disobedience of the rules would be hurting them even more.

So when does it happen? When will they be happy to learn the vital information I am required to give them? When will they be ready to set their attention on the lessons I have prepared? How do I turn their entertainment-geared learning tenticles to a direction that teaches them the value of self-motivation and discipline? How do I inspire these young hearts to dig and to search for truth? How do I guide them to solve problems that they deal with every day? My goodness, these kids are only in first grade!

One day at a time. One lesson at a time. One moment. One look. One hug. And somehow, someday I'll be able to teach them what they really need to learn. The information will get through to them not because I told them, but because I built a bridge and showed them how to cross it. A bridge cannot be built in a day. But it can be built. It will be built. God help me build it.

Father, take me up from here
Spirit lead me on

We think we are free until one day God shows up and breaks another chain that held us down. I thought I had left a relationship five years ago, thought that all was done. The truth was that although I had physically and emotionally left, there was a part of my heart that still attached itself to a secret hope. It was so secret in fact that sometimes I forgot it was even there. And then, all of sudden, this relationship resurfaces, and so many questions began.

This relationship began 10 years ago, and although I would never admit it outright, I am sure that I loved him from the very beginning. He got under my skin though, irritated me for the first few years of highschool. But somewhere in there, he grew on me and I cherished his friendship. I didn't want to let him go, so I kissed him and held his hand. I told him I loved him. I remember his tears before he left, and I remember mine. The season of childhood seemed to end too soon.

After highschool, our relationship spiraled downward. I went from a summer of partying into the arms of a God who loved me and who brought the healing I was so desperately needing. He went into the military and became hardened and distant. We had talked about marriage. We had planned our futures together. The dreams died right in front of our eyes.

So as time passed, I moved on. So did he. I did not expect to see him, but I always hoped I would. For awhile I searched for him, tried to find out where he was or what he was up to. Then, I remember telling God that I would stop the search. After all, I had a whole new life, I had given my heart to the Lord. I knew that loving this guy would cause me to compromise the truth that I had come to know.

Four years later, I received a phone call saying that he was searching for me. Hearing his voice after so long...what can I say? All I know was that God used that time to begin a year of reconciliation and restoration. Everything that had caused hurt between us was forgiven. Within that year he became engaged to another girl and it broke my heart. God helped me in that time to truly let go all over again. And then they separated. And somehow, after five years we saw each other face to face. And all the emotion returned.

Imagine that for one day you can go back and relive a day all over again. I got to do that. We talked, we laughed. He held my hand and he kissed me. And at the end of the day, I did not want to let him go.

But I was faced with a choice. I longed to be with him again. Longed for his friendship, to be near to someone so familiar and so comfortable. But He was still searching for God. He was so close. So should I wait it out? Or should I leave him in the hands of God? I chose the latter.

I chose not to stand in the way of Shawn's pain. He offered his love, his heart, his life to me and I had to say no. Because if I said yes, he would not have gone to God to be healed, to be saved. I would have spent the rest of my life trying to lead him to a place that only the Holy Spirit could lead him. It was not my journey to take, it was his. Dear God, I hated to leave him there. But I knew it was right.

I also knew that I would have compromised everything God had placed in front of me...relationships, opportunities, ministry. I was meant for more, for a future and a hope. In all my weakness, there was this quiet voice resounding...wait for the best, wait for His promises.

And so I am. I am waiting for the promises of God. I am walking this path humble and so desparate for His presence. My weaknesses are evident, but God's strength and grace are ever before me. It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. In those final moments of letting go, there was a chain broken that had been over my life for 10 long years. As I hung up the phone on our last conversation, all I could say through my tears was, "I'm free, I'm free."

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh
I am the second man now
And you're raising the dead in me
Yeah

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

Twenty-four oceans
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty-four parts
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
I'm not copping out
Not copping out

Switchfoot