I have been living on the surface for such a long time. It made me feel safer I think. After all, fear is not so easily noticed at the bottom of the ocean. And this ocean inside of me is starting to churn; the tides are changing. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what is right.
I am seeing things in me that I hate. It is hard to love myself much less believe in the love that someone else has for me. I am returning to the place of my brokeness so long ago. And the brokeness that I covered up is about to be revealed again.
God, lead me to the truth. Lead me to freedom. Let the healing begin.
Thursday, July 29
Thursday, July 22
Life has changed drastically in a matter of days. I no longer have a church. I am with someone whom I have longed to be with. And life as I know it has ceased to exist.
IF I tried to explain my current situation to a number of friends who have known me quite well throughout the past few years, I can see the look of concern my comments would raise. After all, I am not searching for a new body of believers yet. I just can't. I have to sit down and pray and walk with God through this season unhindered. What, how can brothers and sisters in Christ hinder me? Well, how can they manipulate and control to the point of paralyzing those around them? That's exactly what has happened to me here and I am not about to jump into another place where that could happen again. I need time. I want to heal. I want to gain strength. I want to know God for myself.
And the guy. :) Well, he has resurfaced too many times in my life to just walk away again. I had to see WHY we both ended up in the same place. I had to see why I missed him so much at times in my life, including these past couple of months. Chalk it up to getting over someone, I used to do that, but the truth is this happens like twice a year for the past seven. The truth is we always come back to each other. A lot has happened to both of us. We have lived very opposite lives. But in the midst of it all, we just love each other, truly love each other. I'm walking this out for once without giving up. I am not backing away, even if I get scared. I have told God this. If this is not of Him, He will make it clear to us both. I am full of hope.
Life is going to get interesting again. I'm finally living my life.
IF I tried to explain my current situation to a number of friends who have known me quite well throughout the past few years, I can see the look of concern my comments would raise. After all, I am not searching for a new body of believers yet. I just can't. I have to sit down and pray and walk with God through this season unhindered. What, how can brothers and sisters in Christ hinder me? Well, how can they manipulate and control to the point of paralyzing those around them? That's exactly what has happened to me here and I am not about to jump into another place where that could happen again. I need time. I want to heal. I want to gain strength. I want to know God for myself.
And the guy. :) Well, he has resurfaced too many times in my life to just walk away again. I had to see WHY we both ended up in the same place. I had to see why I missed him so much at times in my life, including these past couple of months. Chalk it up to getting over someone, I used to do that, but the truth is this happens like twice a year for the past seven. The truth is we always come back to each other. A lot has happened to both of us. We have lived very opposite lives. But in the midst of it all, we just love each other, truly love each other. I'm walking this out for once without giving up. I am not backing away, even if I get scared. I have told God this. If this is not of Him, He will make it clear to us both. I am full of hope.
Life is going to get interesting again. I'm finally living my life.
Wednesday, July 14
I spent tonight writing letters from the heart. The first letter was to my pastors telling them that I was leaving the church. The second letter was an apology to a family ("my family") that had been cut off from the church. The third, a letter to someone whom I hope continues to be a part of my life. And the fourth, a letter to a person that I have deeply loved and then lost. These letters have been circulating inside of me for months now. I have been under such a heavy pressure that my heart has literally ached. I can't hold it inside anymore. Matters of the heart are not meant to be hidden away. They are meant to be shared with those whom we love the most. They are meant for the light, to illuminate the dark places that we seek to understand. God meant for our hearts to be good, He meant for our hearts to know truth.
There comes a time when obedience is the only option for survival. The "right" thing is not always the obvious choice. The "right" thing is not always the path so cleanly laid out before us.
Tonight, I faced my fears. I pressed the send key. Now, these people will know the truth about me. They will know that I want to leave. They will know that I am sorry for wrong things that have been done. They will know that they are thought of and special to me. They will know that they are not forgotten. And in the midst of this, my heart is laid to rest. I have done what I can do today to stand. And now I wait for God to restore and to heal and to set straight the things that have confused me for so long.
There comes a time when obedience is the only option for survival. The "right" thing is not always the obvious choice. The "right" thing is not always the path so cleanly laid out before us.
Tonight, I faced my fears. I pressed the send key. Now, these people will know the truth about me. They will know that I want to leave. They will know that I am sorry for wrong things that have been done. They will know that they are thought of and special to me. They will know that they are not forgotten. And in the midst of this, my heart is laid to rest. I have done what I can do today to stand. And now I wait for God to restore and to heal and to set straight the things that have confused me for so long.
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22:33~
Surely your salvation is coming;
Behold His reward is with Him, and His work is before Him.
~Isaiah 62:11~
-Thanks for pointing this one out bro.
Sunday, July 11
This slow but nagging thought continues to come at me. "I might be in a place I did not have to come to." Somewhere, back down the road, I dropped my heart off and continued on traveling. What if I had listened? What if I had chosen different relationships, different endeavors? Where would I be now? Would my heart be so broken? Would I be so confused? Would I be more confident about WHO I am supposed to be? Then, I think, "No, God works ALL things together for good. I'll be fine." But I am not fine. I am afraid. I am afraid of the battle, I am afraid of fire, I am afraid of letting go.
When I let go, truly let go, I know that I am going to free fall for what seems like an infinite moment. And in that infinite moment, I am sure that I will forget that He created me to fly. I don't want to face that moment. On this side, I only dream of what could be. On the other side, the dreams become reality. Right now, I am struggling. I have been clinging to all that feels safe for as long as I can remember. I have been afraid to go it alone, because I don't believe that I can. I have not believed that my heart was good. I have not believed that I could hear the voice of God.
So when the sun rises tomorrow, I am going to muster up as much courage as I can and I am going to look for the mustard seed of faith that has been missing for quite some time. If only I could find faith, I might begin to fly.
When I let go, truly let go, I know that I am going to free fall for what seems like an infinite moment. And in that infinite moment, I am sure that I will forget that He created me to fly. I don't want to face that moment. On this side, I only dream of what could be. On the other side, the dreams become reality. Right now, I am struggling. I have been clinging to all that feels safe for as long as I can remember. I have been afraid to go it alone, because I don't believe that I can. I have not believed that my heart was good. I have not believed that I could hear the voice of God.
So when the sun rises tomorrow, I am going to muster up as much courage as I can and I am going to look for the mustard seed of faith that has been missing for quite some time. If only I could find faith, I might begin to fly.
Wednesday, July 7
This has got to be one of my most favorite country songs ever...
Pat Green ~ Wave on Wave
Pat Green ~ Wave on Wave
Mile upon Mile I got no direction
We're all playing the same game
We're all looking for redemption
Just afraid to say the name
So caught up now in pretending
What we're seeking is the truth
I'm just look for a happy ending
All I'm looking for is you
It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave
I wandered out into the water
I thought that I might drown
I don't know what I was after
Just know that I was going down
That's when she found me
I'm not afraid anymore
She said, you know I always had ya baby
Just waiting for you to find what you were looking for
It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave
Wave on Wave
Wave on Wave
The clouds broke and the angels cried
You ain't gotta walk alone
That's why he put me in your way
You came upon wave on wave
You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave
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