Tuesday, October 28

Help Wanted

It is a curious thing how one can go from independence to total reliance. I do not think I am reliant enough on the Lord by any means. In fact, I think most of the time I am trying to prove that I have got it together enough just to please His heart...as if the measure of my effort is helping Him out in some sort of way...or earning His love and respect. And honestly, I think it is the measured effort that has caused me to push God away so many times and turn my eyes from what is truly important. I think all that He really wants is to hear that we want Him...that we need Him...that we can't wait to be with Him. Because that is what He is saying to us.

If we would just sit with Him. If we would just plan time with Him. If we would just be open with Him and share our hearts. If we would just stop trying to live as if we could make it on our own. "Look, God, I can survive!" "Look I can do it all by myself!" Granted, there is joy in finding new strength and ability. But to then take that joy and keep it only to ourselves? How sad He must feel...when He gives a gift but cannot share in the enjoyment of the gift. How sad He must feel to give dreams and visions to only become an afterthought in the undertaking of the very things He created.

More and more I feel myself moving from independence into reliance. My life not only affects others, but it is affected by them. It makes me feel vulnerable. What if I make a mistake? Will the whole thing fall apart? Will the others eventually go away when seeing that my need is too great? I don't know how to rely on someone else. I don't know how to trust that someone else could take my feelings and my heart and care for it the way I hope it would be cared for. We all want to be cared for, do we not? And in the same token, we all want to have someone to give our own affections and attention to. But when that time comes...and here it is coming for me...it is so different to say that the want has now turned into need. I need this love in my life. I need this patience. I need to know everything is going to be okay. I need to know that I am allowed to mess up. I need to know that my words and actions make a difference. It is a realm I am not used to...a realm I never thought I would get the chance to enter...hoped to...but honestly doubted many times. It is a realm that asks for my trust...my dependence on the love of someone else.

It feels really good to be needed. And because of that...I am trying to show my need as well. I am trying to make sure that I do not look as if I want to make it on my own. I have tried it all on my own...it's okay, but it is also lonely. I am finally seeing the fulfillment of someone I have needed for a very long time. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I am sure that God feels the same way about us. He became vulnerable so that we could be with Him too. I'm going to try to trust Him better...because I think that will help me to trust more in every area of my life.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." {Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

Tuesday, October 21


I just spent 2 hours watching all of these videos tonight. They are well worth the time. You can see the hearts of both coming through a bit clearer than the most recent televised debates. If you have some time..take a look.



It's been hard...I see things on both sides...good and bad.  In spite of this, I am pretty sure that I have come to a decision.

Looking Back

One year ago this is where I was....

It's amazing to me that so much could be the same...even after a year of working it out.

Hebrews 12:1-13

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

The Life of a Teacher

My how the times have changed. I am especially concerned about #4 and #8.

Sunday, October 19

A Perfect Day

I didn't want today to end.
I felt alive...I felt home
I remembered who I was 
I remembered what I wanted
I remembered my dreams
and I was thankful
For this place
For this new love
For having a sister
Who reminds me of what I know
We were at peace with each other
At peace with the world
Every obstacle held back or removed
We breathed in 
thoughts of life, love, home, children
as laughter ran between us
we ran our hands over treasures
dreamed of days to come
And I quietly hoped that one day she wouldn't be so far away
If only every day was like today
If only every day romanced our hearts
reminded us of who we are
Every girl needs a sister
Every girl needs an Alyssa
She is beautiful
She makes me feel beautiful

Friday, October 3

Into the UnKnown

You have been in my heart
One day at a time
As if no time had passed
As if page one
Spoke of all our days to come

You have been in my heart
Now one day is too long
As if time stopped without you
And has begun
Only when you are near

I did not know
I was missing you
Until your eyes met mine
Until you pulled me in
Now I cannot let you go

With one word
one taste of your relentless love
I am washed with hope
Chased by desire
With all the love in my heart
I am longing to run with you
Into the unknown...

No Fear

How do you return love when your own resources are so small in comparison to the one who loved you first?  It is humbling to say the least.

I still worry that I am not enough.  I still worry that I won't measure up.  I still worry that there will be a catch...some kind of reason of why I just missed it...or messed it up.  I still worry that I am going to say one too many words or for that matter not say enough.

I suppose that these are the biggest reasons for grace.  Because I will never be enough, have enough, do enough.  The point is that HE is enough...and that takes care of everything.

Because He loves me....I am loved.  I am cared for.  I don't have need of anything.  I am safe.  I am well.  I have peace.  It's not because of what I have done for Him.  It's because He loved me...went out of His way for me...laid down His life for me.  I don't have to worry...because He does not go back on His word...because He meant what He said...because I have been in His heart all along.  I can trust Him....and that is enough.  I don't have to be afraid.