Enough

These moments come too few and far between...you know...the ones where the only thing I can do, is ignore my to do list and sit in the silence after listening to a few amazing worship songs...and think...there's more.

I am realizing that my perspectives have remained small. My expectations have been slightly off course. And I realize that I have put others above Him. I have respected their thoughts and opinions more than I have waited on His. I have not let His perfect love define me. I have hidden in fear of being rejected or put aside. And I'm not really sure why. But I'm ready to face this. I'm ready to become the Ruth that slept at Boaz's feet, the Esther who boldy entered the courts of her king, the Rebecca that left everything she knew to marry Isaac, the Mary that trusted the word of God. They did not let their fears define them. Instead, they let their love for God define the course of their lives.

I have said many times recently, "I feel so much like that wave tossed back and forth". And I hate that thought because the book of James says that that person should not expect to hear anything from God. And then just the other day I read that verse again. It is the person who doubts who becomes that wave.

Have I been doubting? Have I been asking without believing? I am sure that it is all too true.

Here's the heart of it all: I have been allowing my desires to speak above His answers. All of my "what if's" have come to the forefront. And really, as I have allowed them speak louder than the words of God...it has become sin. No wonder I have not been at peace. No wonder my heart has not been at rest. Because it is only when we set our hearts on God, on drawing near to Him, that He gives us the desires of our hearts. Not the other way around.

The Lord keeps saying to me..over and over...to whom much is given, much is required. And I believe that this will sum up my life. He has already given me so much...now it's my job to believe Him, follow Him all the days of my life...to count the cost, to run after His heart, to show the plan of rescue to those who are in need Him. And I will. I will follow Him. No matter what. Because if I turned back now...there would be nothing to live for.

There is more. There is always more. I said this to my good friend Jilli tonight. We have as much of God as we want. We have as much of His plan as we choose to embrace.

And so tonight, I choose not to wallow in my unanswered plans and desires. I choose to set my heart on the author and finisher of my faith. I choose to believe that His love IS and will always be...enough.

Save ORU

As most of you have probably heard, ORU is going through some difficult times. It is hard for me to say anything against the university...my life was changed there, for the better. I knew God had called me to be there. My sister has also been blessed to be a student there.

However, rumors were constantly being spread about the family who ran the university. Those of us with wisdom stayed out of the debates...it only led to cynicism....and cynicism can lead to so many other things.

But the truth will always be found out. I pray that God brings truth and spares the university and the purposes He has for it. People all over the world have heard the gospel because of this place.

If you'd like to read more go here: Save ORU

Single

It's amazing because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married.
And now...in the face of new relationships I am second guessing that desire. It has been at the heart of every break-up, every time I have turned away for the hope of something more. In the back of mind, I have asked questions. But what about going to the nations? Would he go with me? What about singing, writing music and pursuing that passion? Would I be able to do this and still be committed to him? Each time, the answer has come along as "no". And each time I walk away I am drawn deeper into the heart of God, deeper into His plan for my life, and farther away from the desire to simply commit for the sake of be committed....if that makes any sense.

I joined eHarmony about two weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for awhile actually, thinking that it was about time I started to step out and take a look again. So when the 60% off coupon came along I jumped at the chance. I've met a couple of people...via email, not in person. But this question keeps coming up....what about the music? What about going and pursuing the calling of your heart? There's a very real chance I would lay it down in order to follow someone else's heart and calling...someone else's idea of what life should be. And it's at this point that my heart does a little bit of a flip-flop and I realize...I may not be ready to commit yet. I may not be ready for a family of my own. There is still more of the single life to chase after. There is still more of God to pursue.

Imagine...marriage and music...two of the biggest desires of my heart...competing for a chance to be fulfilled. And that's when I realize...that HE is my greatest desire. God, the one who has romanced me through the year, the one who has shown me the nations and asked me to walk through His fields, the one who has given me songs in the night, the one who takes me on adventures and walks with me.

I don't want to miss out on this romance I am tasting in some ways for the very first time.
And then again, in a tangible way, I do not want to be alone on this journey. I want to have a friend and companion to share this adventure with God. But only if it brings as much joy as I have now...only if it holds as much promise...as much excitement...as much intimacy. I now understand why Mattie wants to stay at the monastery....pursuing the God he loves. I now understand how there are men and women who are pursuing their passion and totally at peace with being single.

Praise God for the day I meet the man I will marry. But praise Him also for the days leading to that day....they truly are a gift.

Nashville

I'm about to follow a dream
To trust Him at His word
To believe that there is more
And step out
step forward
Let Him meet me there
And we'll see
as the days and nights unfold
What will become
Of these words, this song
We'll see
This is the dream bigger than I could hold
This is one I could not imagine without Him
This is the one
And I'm about to take the first step.

Good Gifts

DJ pointed out to me last night that her kids have taught her so much about the heart of God. As I went through today with my own kiddos, I was aware of our conversation.

R. is the sweetest little girl, but she is also headstrong, stubborn, and so longing for love and attention. There are good days and there are bad days. There are many days when I have to go way out of my way to get her back on track. This is true for teachers everywhere I am sure. However, she has a heart that longs for relationship. And every time she is in trouble, she writes an apology note explaining her situation. She apologizes over and over again, telling me how much she loves me and wants to do the right thing. It touches my heart every time, of course. And I just thought to myself today...she has the same pattern of behavior issues in my class...it is often a repeating pattern. But I would never kick her out. I would never stop loving her, accepting her, working with her to do better. There will be a day when she will move on from me but there will never be a day where I would not welcome her back. In essence, I was reminded of the verse that basically says, "And if we [earthly fathers] know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more does the Heavenly Father know how to give and even long to give good gifts to His children?"

Encouraging, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too.

Defined

I passed a milestone this past Thursday. And it may seem so simple, but it showed me something....

My lessons plans were done by Thursday night. I had planned on finishing them early, so that my weekend would be free for moving. What I didn't plan on was all of the extra ideas that would pop into my head, causing me to make yet another list of 20 things to do in my classroom this coming week. I took Friday off of school in order to pack...worried about the kids all day...debated over going in to collect their tests and papers at the end of the day...decided not to later on in the midst of my already busy day...then, thought all weekend about the rest of the class plans that needed to be made.

See, usually my lesson plans get put off until Sunday night. Usually, I hem and haw, feeling guilty about my "work free" Saturdays, lunch with friends after church, possibly a nap or two, etc., etc.

Even now, I am sitting here thinking about the missions update I need to send out to so many people...it's coming...dvd, pictures, newsletter all of it. I'm thinking about the music I'd like to start writing again. I'm thinking about the business that Lys and I only dream of at this point. So many things...and I wonder when I will actually find the time to pursue them.

All of this to say, that after finishing my normal "busy" work early on...I realized that it will never be enough. I will never be done with the feeling of having to do more. There will always be another project, another improvement, another way to achieve success. Now I see how work can become an addiction.

Now I see how easily we can become lost in the day to day striving.

Yesterday morning, Z., one of my students, came up to me while we stood in the line for the restrooms. He knew he was supposed to be quietly waiting his turn but he just had to tell me what happened that morning. Right before school, his mom had let him hold his new baby brother. He was so proud, so excited about the new life that he was able to be a part of. And I thought to myself...this is what life is about...not paperwork deadlines...not standards and rituals and routines. It's about enjoying the small, meaningful moments that can almost escape us if we are not careful.

I am so thankful for this move. I am thankful because the time I spend with my parents will now be planned and purposeful. I am thankful because I am living with two girls who know how to grab ahold of life and enjoy the moment. I need them right now.

I could almost get wrapped up in trying to perfect this job I'm in. It will never happen...no matter how late I stay into the evening...no matter how many hours of sleep I sacrifice. Yep, I'll feel awful good about the great job that I'm doing. But when I check my heart...where will I be...where will my song be playing...where will I have met with God? I'm not really sure...I have been too busy trying to be perfect...trying to be defined by the work that I do.

After dropping my kids off this afternoon...I walked back to my classroom and talked with Nan for an hour. It was raining outside...the classroom flooded with light contrasting the outdoor gloom. As she talked about heading home, I thought about the work that needed to be done. I decided to leave it and go home too. Tomorrow it will be waiting...and I'll think..."if only I had stayed...". But what is life without the prospect of love and spontaneity and enjoying a rainy, Tuesday evening with friends in your new apartment?

It's time to find the balance. It's time to follow my heart. Most importantly it's time to walk with the Lord and rely on His grace...not just my own strength.

Emeralds

"Miss T., they were talking about you," he said very seriously as he pulled me aside in the line.

"Oh really? What did 'they' say?"

He cleared his throat, stammered a little...

"It's okay, you won't be in trouble if you tell me."

"Well...they said...that your eyes were like emeralds."

"Oh," I said very importantly. "Thank you for letting me know."

"And they said you were ugly."

Ah, if only they had stopped at the emerald part... :)