Wednesday, February 21

Here We Go!

This week, the horizon is broadending....from wedding singer and once in awhile worship leader, to performer. Yep, it's a nice little half hour set down at the beach. But it's also a Saturday night set...in a place where lots of people will be. I'm so excited. Again, just like last year when I recorded I keep hoping that I'll be ready. Hoping that I can find the right songs and play them well...Yes, I've been preparing...but now the pressure is on...and I'm REALLY preparing. God has opened such a big door. This little joint is a great venue for new artists as well as some well-known artists. Who knows what will happen down the road from here, what connections will be made? I also get to lead worship for around 50 people at the homeless outreach on Sunday.

Monday, February 19

Scam

So this picture was forwarded to my email account today, entitled with something to the extent of, "Watch Out for New Scam". To all of you who walk down concrete sidewalks and love to feed and pet the baby ducks...keep an eye out for their mothers, you never know who may be out to steal your dollar "bills". hehehehe

Gram's Love

I called gram randomly today just to talk and found out that it would have been her and grandpa's 52nd wedding anniversary. He died about seven years ago. So I asked her how she feels on days like this. She told me she thinks about the memories. I love to hear her memories. Even if I have heard the story before, there is something so comforting in hearing how grandma and grandpa lived their lives before I ever came along.

He was a vacuum cleaner salesman putting himself through the Baptist seminary. Gram says that when he came down her street for the first time, they looked at each other, said hello, and then gram ran into the house, safely behind the window, to continue watching him walk down the street. When he came to her house, he told my great grandma (gram's mom) that he loved the picture of gram that sat on the piano. Gram said today that she likes to explain it as "love at first sight".

The pastor's wife invited grandpa to church that Sunday. He came along with two other girls. Gram said she kind of lost interest after that. But her friend leaned right over and whispered, "There's a man for you, Eleanor." Somehow Eleanor and Robert became friends and spent a lot of time together through church activities in the following months. Then, they ended up dating for about 5 or 6 months. He never asked grandma to marry him. He only told her that he had gone home at Christmas and had said to his mother, "Well, I found the woman I'm going to marry". He gave her a ring a few months later and they were married about a year after that.

I asked gram if she was ever nervous around grandpa when they first met. She answered by saying "No not really. He was just so precious to me right away." I've been thinking about this all night. I'd like to be able to say that about my husband someday, "he was so precious to me, even from the very beginning." I'd like him to be able to say the same about me.

I don't know if it's the time for me to be worrying about all of this, although worrying is never really a good choice. I just know my track record for nervousness around people I potentially have a crush on. It's either a sign that I am with the wrong people, or I am walking around with the wrong perspective. I believe it's the latter statement. What gram said today is so right on though. Whoever God places into my life and whenever He chooses to do so, is not meant to create fear or anxiety.

All of this to say, I want to be able to talk like my grandma someday. Sometimes, I feel like I already do, I see her reflection in some of my own words and decisions. She has a lot ot say about life, and love, and walking with the Lord, and ministry. There is something so sweet about her, about my mother even. They see beauty and multiply it through their words and actions. Gram (and mom) have shown me Jesus and have taught me about love in more ways than they could probably ever imagine. It makes me want to reach out and love the whole world like they do. It makes me want to wait and hold out for that "precious" love Gram spoke of this afternoon.

Wednesday, February 14

My Valentine

My grandpa sent me a valentine this week. I felt so special. Inside the valentine card, he put article clippings of teacher salaries in NY. When I called to thank him he said (in a joking sort of way), "So it doesn't make you want to move back to NY?" Aw, grandpa wants me to move back home. He signed it from both him and gram...but I knew it was his idea to send the card. This is probably the first valentine where I didn't feel as if it was just another holiday and just another grandparent's joyful obligation. He meant what he said.

ps-I woke up to flowers and the most beautiful card on the counter this morning...thanks mom and dad. You make me feel special too.

Am I sad that I am single on this holiday? No way. Because love is for all year...and showing love is something I am not so great at doing on schedule. I am better at giving random gifts for really good reasons. I am better and calling and hugging and holding and serving when the moment is just right and calls for a step to be taken. Schedule a holiday and I might disappoint you. Ask me for friendship and I will love you forever.

Happy Valentines Day friends and family. Thank God we are where we are today. Thank God that He is faithful to love us EVERY day.

52 Years and Counting

There was a substitute teacher across the hall from my classroom today. She had to be at least 70 years old, walked with support braces on her arms, and couldn't read small print. But I could tell that energy and passion for teaching ran through her veins. I spent my planning time reading the lesson plans to her before school this morning, finding materials for her, as well as interpreting the lesson plans that didn't seem to make sense. She informed me that she was "very into discipline" and asked if the normal teacher was laisse faire. I said no, and she said "good". While we were talking at least 2-3 of my students came into the room to interrupt the conversation. She responded with.."That's not my student is it?" "No, he's mine," I replied not even wanting to know what she thought of me then. "Good," she said, right within the student's earshot as I ushered him back out of the room.

Mrs. N., I will call her, informed me that she had been teaching for 52 years...52...and she also informed me that she knew what she was doing. At then end of the day she told me that I could call on her anytime to sub for my classroom if need be. I didn't tell Mrs. N. that I am probably more laisse faire than she would appreciate. She did know the power of complimenting however. She thanked me for my help quite a few times. And even more than that, she told me as well as another teacher that we had beautiful teeth.

52 years? I am only finishing year 3. Last night I was at a Bible study where we practice hearing the voice of God. A woman shared with me that while she was praying she heard me saying "I want to teach. I want to teach." I have thought about that word all day, considering what it might mean. Because for so long I have said, "I don't want to teach. I don't want to teach." Could it be that I have been struggling in vain? Could it be that my calling is right here in my hands and I am turning against it? Could it be that my hidden doubts and fears are bringing dissention and disorder to our daily classroom routines?

Maybe I need to embrace what is here in my hands. Maybe I need to love what God has given me. Maybe, that voice deep inside of me...the one that cries out to be heard in the midst of my doubting, is the voice that will cause me to rise up and bring the light of Christ to my students and my colleagues in a very real way. What if I chose to agree with this adversary I have so long opposed? What if I came to an understanding and submitted to the hand of God? What if this has been my problem all along? What if I have been neglecting my calling?

Another question. If teaching is my calling, then what should I teach? Reading and writing? Or is there something more? Jesus, help me to become the teacher that you would be to these children. I fall so short, my patience has been lacking, my demands have been many, my fear has been strong. Help me to rise above and to serve these children. Help me to wash their feet, to lead them to you. It is your kindness that leads to repentance...and I can't help but think that it is your kindness that will change the face of my classroom. I don't know how...show me how. Create a love in me for this ministry and calling. Amen.

Friday, February 9

Stepping Out

Tomorrow begins the real search for a house. I am stepping out in faith that God has something for me, that He will provide. Even a year ago I was afraid to do this on my own. But here goes. At least this way, I can't take credit for being the most prepared, responsible, pockets full of money when I started type of homeowner. All I can do is take the steps and trust God for the open doors. He will. Here is an interesting catch. If I was related to Dr. Seuss in any way, I might consider the option.


Wednesday, February 7

Someday

I was talking with my friend Hannah over the weekend. We were catching up after not seeing each other for about 3 years. We were on the subject of prospective guys and she commented on a picture she had recently seen on my webpage asking, "What about him?" I laughed. Even though we weren't ever really the best of friends, even though she knew nothing of the past few years of my life, she had somehow pinpointed the exact same person I had thought about in my mind..."What about him?" It was so random, and yet so exactly on the mark.

Hannah's question came just days after I had given up hope, after I had settled in on the reality of the circumstances. I had come to the conclusion that neither time, nor distance, nor state of heart was going to work in my favor as far as this relationship was concerned. I told her about the impending circumstances. I told her details and important events about the relationship. I told her how tears would come to my eyes in conversations with him and how I wished so much for the chance to know how he felt, to know if we would work.

So Hannah asked me another question, "Can't you just ask him...'Why not us?'" It was the same question my mom had asked a couple of months ago. It was the same question another friend, years ago in another time and place, had pushed me to ask my best (guy) friend before he married some girl none of us really knew. I never asked him. And since his wedding day, I have not seen or heard from him. I mourned the loss of him in my life for quite some time. Every Christmas I send my Christmas letter to their address, but to no avail. I still think I did the right thing by letting him go. I did. My life has seen better days and farther places since that season eight or nine years ago.

But back to present situation. I don't feel like I am allowed to ask that question..."Why not us?" Because if I do, am I not infringing on someone else's heart? Am I not infringing on a friendship already comfortable and predictable? I would rather push my feelings aside and see this other person enjoy what they really want out of life. I can't stand the thought of making them feel guilty for not considering me. I can't stand the thought of losing them because of awkward hopes and dreams. I would rather wait for them to come around. I would rather wait for them to know that I am who they want. That I am who they dreamed of for their whole life. I never want to be their second place. I never want to think that I somehow had to talk them into some kind of agreement.

So, no, I probably will not ask the question stated above. I will think it in my heart. I will pray and ask God to answer. I will hold on to hope. And someday, if I am right, I will hear the question asked of me and be able to echo it back. Someday it will be right. I will bring light to someone's eyes and joy to their heart. Someday.

Friday, February 2

Thoughts on a Friday

Last week was easy. This week a challenge.
Last week I came home lighthearted and with a smile.
This week I have grumbled and cried and looked for excuses.

I'd like to be appreciated, like it if I was regarded as an outstanding teacher. As someone who goes above and beyond, who cares deeply about their job. Would I believe it though? If I walked into the classroom and saw me?

I need to stop being afraid. I am on edge when I hear footsteps in the hallway, when I hear the voice of my principal walking my way, when my children misbehave. I don't want to be looked at for not doing my job. And now, teachers will begin to get paid for their performance. Isn't that nice...based on numbers and opinions we will be paid accordingly. Truthfully, if I was confident about this job, I wouldn't worry. If I was confident, it would be no big deal. But I'm not. I'm afraid of appearing as if I am still a struggling teacher.

Time to go clean up. More later.