The house with a broken heart...

That is what we now call my childhood home. It belonged to my great grandfather who raised my dad's dad along with 10 other brothers and sisters. It was a farmhouse that witnessed Polish dances, weddings, funerals, many parties, games of checkers, Saturday nights of Hee-Haw, and endless hours of rocking on the front of porch. The porch is gone now, along with the outhouse which remained until we moved in fourteen years ago and added indoor plumbing. My father's dream was to renovate his grandfather's old, broken down farmhouse. So, that is exactly what we did, for seven years. Sitting on almost 200 acres of land, it was the home that inspired the imaginations of three young children. In my mind, it is the home that I go back to over and over and over again. It is the place where I run through fields and wade through creeks, the home where I lay in the long grass and watch clouds drift over me. It is the home where my brother and I chase each other through corn fields and fly over snow-covered banks in our tobaggan. It is a million memories that have only emotions attached, memories that I could not explain, except to say that they shaped who I am today. We were the last to live in this old house. We were the last to enjoy the comforts of its four walls. It is now sunken off of its foundation. My own bedroom has a skylight where large tree branches have fallen through. The windows are broken; vines cover the siding. There is no longer a porch and the yard is more like an overgrown field. This "farm" was once so prominent that the whole hill was named after our family name. It is now forgotten, grown over, old, broken.

I was there today. My sister and I walked the old paths with insects flying around our heads and prickers stabbing through our jeans. The creek still runs beneath the ground, evident by our mud soaked sneakers. A sign of life.

Another sign of life...roses blooming where they have been blooming for a hundred years. They have not given up. Even when my aunt transplanted a few pieces to where she lives, hours away, they surprisingly revived and began to bloom again.

Bittersweet. This place, a conduit of life in my childhood, is now dying. No matter how I feel, I cannot revive it. I cannot go back and repair the damage. My place is not there anymore. The only thing left for this house is to fall in. The only thing left for the land is to continue on its own. The only thing left for me is the memory.

I feel as if I left with a broken heart. And when I look at the rest of my family, my grandfather, my aunts and uncles, my parents, my siblings, I see that in a way all of our hearts have been broken. It wasn't the house itself, no. The house only symbolizes the heart of our family. It is a mystery to me, where the broken heart began, and even more so how it has spread to the members of our family tree.

Lord, you are close to those who are brokenhearted. Restore us once again. Restore the joy of our salvation, and renew a right spirit within us.

Dear "Anonymous",

I just read your recently posted comment to my blog. You pose a good question. Truth is, I think I probably look a lot to the people around me for affirmation. I have this desire way down deep inside of me to be seen in a good light. I mean, don't we all? I have probably let that desire override a good portion of my life decisions. How does one get out of that cycle? I am finding myself in the midst of a lot of unpopular decisions this year. These unpopular decisions are the dividing line between continued and discontinued friendships. I believe, in some way, that the cycle is being broken. The question remains, however, what is my heart really saying? I have spent too many moments worrying about the hearts of others, and not enough listening to the cries of my own. I have doubted that anything in my heart is right and good. I have forgotten that I have the ability to hear even God's voice speaking to my heart.

So thank you for the pointed question and the reminder. My eyes are on the Lord. He alone is my help and my salvation.

Well, after a long drive I have made it home again. All of my thinking, all of my mulling things over, all of my crying, and all of my pleading with the Lord has come to a complete halt. For this week, while I am here, the Lord has instructed me only to "listen". Whenever I try to figure out the road ahead, I am faced with this clear direction..."listen". Whenever I begin to think about circumstances that I feel need my attention, all I hear is "listen". So I am listening. And I think that for the first time, in a long time, I am hearing the clear voice of God. Tangible directions have not been given yet. I still do not know about jobs, or placement, or relationships, or anything. But now, after so long, the peace of God is loud and clear. And the peace of God, surpasses my understanding in these moments of uncertainty.

Silence is the sound of the evening. I walked into my apartment after a night of work and all I could hear were my footsteps inside the door. I love this sound. It means that I can rest. I leave for NY the day after tomorrow. My sister is graduating from high school. Amazing how time flies. I am wishing that I did not have to go alone. I am wishing that I had someone along for the ride. Ah, well, like I said, silence can be a wonderful thing. I'll have time to think about him, and about leaving, and about where God is taking me in this new season. I'll have time to pray, and to sing, and to cry. I look forward to the possibilities of running into new people. I look forward to seeing the familiar places that settle my heart after long absences away. I'll probably go visit my grandfather's grave; probably go visit the old farmhouse where I grew up. Then, perhaps I'll think about going to see his parents, but I won't, because I am sure that staying away is better. I promised him I would do so. But I'll think about it, nonetheless. I also thought about checking to see if there were openings in the small school where I grew up. I have always prayed for that community and have wondered if I would end up back there. Do I really want that yet? I don't know. Like I said, I'll be praying along the way.

I also went out with Paul after work tonight. We have reached a one year milestone in our friendship. It wasn't until tonight that I realized how comfortable I am with him. I feel guilty a lot of the time for not giving in to the desire that I see on his face. He takes me out, calls me on the phone, genuinely cares about the happenings in my life. I feel as if I have done nothing to bless him in return. All I have is me; all I have is my friendship. I can't make my heart feel more. So, I always pray for God to richly bless his life, for blessing mine so abundantly.

Tonight, I'll end with Psalm 143:3-8

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.

"You are so...grown up"

Please remind me never to consider dating someone three years younger. Although the night was incredibly interesting and the conversation good, I couldn't help but think I was out of my league. Granted, he had pushed for the date, he had made the calls, but I in turn agreed. It was his music that caught my attention. He plays in a blue grass band. He loves the same band that I do..Nickel Creek. He even took me to his house and played the Harry Dulcimer, the most beautiful, life-filled notes I have heard in a long time. And if that wasn't enough, we rode around in his Jeep at sunset, with the top down and the doors off. He lives in what I like to call Thomas Kinkadeville (picture perfect homes, with picture perfect lights and landscapes); his backyard is a PGA certified golf course. So what did we do? We walk on the greens at dusk. Every detail of the night seemed "perfect". Walking into his home was like walking into the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, and of course his mother rattled of something like.."if I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned earlier." She was obviously looking at a differet house than I had just walked into. Did I mention that both of his parents are elementary school principals? His father would have hired me last week but thought I had gone back to NY. All this "perfection" was a bit too much for me.

In the midst of it all, what was around me did not matter. What mattered was that this guy I spent the night getting to know, had not captured my heart. His music captured my heart, his lifestyle captured my interest. But he was not who I loved. And I know that I cannot always judge things from the beginning, I know that...but that does not change the sounds of my heart.

Last night, he expressed his interest in "dating me more". He claimed that out of all the girls he has recently dated I am the most interesting. I can hold the best conversation and am the most enjoyable to be around. In his words, I am "so mature, so....grown up". Okay, okay...hold the phone. While I know that these are perfectly wonderful compliments, I found that the delivery was a bit comical. All of a sudden, I was talking to a school boy, and that was not romantic...not in the least.

I stumbled across your picture tonight. Well, actually I was looking for it. Still, my heart stopped for a moment and all of my thoughts came to a complete halt. You see, for weeks now, you have been invading my thoughts. I miss your friendship, I miss your smile, I miss you. I went for a long period where I did not think too much about you. Over time you faded into the gray of things past. But you surfaced, you have always surfaced. Why? Why are you so intent on holding me in this tug of war? The last time I saw you, I silenty said over and over again, "If all the world faded away, I would want to be here; I would want to stay with you." Your presence brought a security and comfort to me. What is it about you? What is it? And why, in the final moments, have I always been so sure that "this" wouldn't work? When I looked into your eyes tonight, you looked so sad. I prayed for you, prayed about this whole thing. I hope you are well. I hope that your life is becoming settled. Know that even though I can't be with you, I love you.

A place to belong,
A place where my heart is at rest,
Will I ever find it?
Will there ever be total peace in my heart?
I feel as if life is just one big search for rest, for peace.
But I don't think it was meant to be that way.
What about overcoming?
What about walking in the fullness that God has for us?
What about God giving us the desires of our heart?
What about rising above our circumstances and experiencing joy in everyday life?

There has been a question rising up in my heart for over a year now. The question nags at me. It brings to the balances the decision of staying or leaving. Do I stay where I have learned to function and "belong", or do I leave in search of the something greater that my heart longs for? The thing is, I do not know what that greater thing is. I only know that right now I am not TRULY satisfied. Is it me? Or is it God? Is it the enemy luring me away from the good that God has in store? Or is the Lord, who is full of mercy, giving me time to figure out that it has been His voice all along? I am at peace when I am at the place I have been for so long. But when I leave, the constant nagging and questioning overrides the peace and security I felt in my moments of being "there" in the place of security.

I don't know if I have the courage to disappoint those who are with me now. If I disappoint them, I am very sure that I would lose relationships. I love these people. I am sure that they love me. I do not know if breaking away would cause a permanent rift, however. I am afraid of leaving discouragement in their hearts. I am afraid that I would be wrong and break trust if I ever decided to return. I am afraid that I would not know where to go from here.

I am waiting for the perfect timing. When is that? How will I know? The timing of the Lord is perfect. He does all things well. Lord, bring your peace and lead me out in peace.

Oh lead me
To the place where I can find you
Oh lead me
To the place where you'll be

Lead me to the cross
Where we first met
Draw me to my knees
So we can talk
Let me feel your breath
Let me know you're here with me

Copyright © Furious? Records.

Ughh...another moment of writer's block.