New Year

Break forth o great song
from my lips and from my heart
break forth and tell of the wonders He has done
Let the rivers burst from their riverbanks
Let the rains explode from the clouds
And let all that is within me praise the God I love.

In this season, I am learning the heart of God.
I see my frailties. I see my weaknesses.
I see that I could so easily give up and I have done so.

But He has not given up on me. I feel His fervency in the depths of my soul.
I have waited longer than I have wanted to.
I have come to the end of myself and I see that there is more.
I have sung out my songs only to find that I still need to dig deeper for the spring of energy that would burst forth from the very depths of who I am.

I am waiting and breaking through.
Such a small beginning and yet it seems so grand. I want to hold it in my hands...secure the things I think I see. And yet, those dreams are not safe with me. They are safe with Him. And I must cling to Him, run after His heart, hold fast to what I know to be true. Without Him, all of this would be meaningless.

His plans are greater than my own.
There is more.
And in this new year my prayer is to run with God and to wholeheartedly follow the path He has set before me.

Safety

My brother and his girlfriend decided to clean the house Sunday morning instead of attending church. If you click on this link you will find out what happened that morning.

Colorado Shooting

All I have to say is that I am so thankful for God's protection. Josh and Amber would have been at this place, at this time. It is so hard to understand these happenings. And it is so humbling to see when God orders our steps out of harm's way.

Next Tuesday

Well, it's been two years.
But by the end of next week...hopefully...you will hear some brand new songs...on a brand new recording. Yay!!! :)

Merry Christmas

There is a peace about this season I have yet to find in any other. Flip to any radio station and you will hear songs about the love of God. Look in almost any department store or public venue and you will probably find a nativity scene on display. People are picking out gifts for one another. Families are coming together. And I can't help but think, that no matter what religious tradition is being followed this time of year, at the root of it all, we are celebrating because God loved us…and still does.

In this day and age, it is easy to imagine Jesus as a nice figure in history; a story to be told to our children; a source of peace when facing a difficult challenge. But how did His story make it through these thousands of years? Why are there so many who seem to cling to His existence even now?

Don't you ever wonder if you really need God…because you feel like you're fine on your own? And if you really did feel a need for Him…how in the world would you ever tell Him and actually feel like He heard you? And how in the world could you be good enough for Him anyways? Even after growing up in a Christian home, I still have wondered about these things.

There are always secrets that we hold deep in our hearts. Secrets that we wouldn't tell anyone else because if they knew then how would we ever face them again? Or face ourselves for that matter? We would rather hide and face the torment on our own. We would rather show a better face in order to find acceptance, even if that acceptance was only based on half truths. We hide behind secrets and only become mirror images of ourselves. And these same secrets keep us from ever knowing the love of God.

This is the season when we get to hear about what God really thinks about us. Amidst the trips to Santa's North Pole, the last minute holiday shopping, the baking, the decorating, the singing, the bustling about…stop…and listen. There is a reason for this holiday.

A long time ago, God saw you. And He knew that you would live at this very time and place. He knew the color of your hair, the job position you would have. He knew the condition of your heart. He knew what you are worrying about right now. He knew your stubbornness and your pride. He knew your laughter. He knew who would love and who you would miss. He knew what you wish for, what you pray for as you lay in bed at night. And He knew that you would never ever be able to be good enough to get to Him.

But He loved you anyways. He chose you before you ever even heard His name. And He couldn't stand the thought of losing you. So, He did what any loving father would do if his child were lost…He ran after you.

That's the whole reason Jesus showed up on Earth. God had to send His love in a way that we could understand, in a way that we could relate. He sent His son…to tell us who we really were…to tell us that we were not alone…to tell us how much He loved us. He became one of us. And then, because He knew that we would die without Him…He took our place. He really did. He took the blame for all of the reasons that kept us from Him, all the secrets, lies, sins and darkness…and He died with them…He carried our darkness so that we didn't have to.

But He had a secret too...and that was that His love was stronger than all of those things.

What would happen if we faced the truth? The truth that we are empty, alone, afraid, angry, and confused. What would happen if we realized we didn't have to carry this load anymore? Because we don't.

The wonder of Christmas is that God's love will bring the answers we need, will bring the love we long for, will bring the peace we cry out for.

The wonder of Christmas is that we are not alone. God loves us and He wants us.

There's no more reason to hide. We are accepted despite the way we act, despite what we hold deep down inside, despite our hopes and our fears. There's a verse that says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." It's time for the truth…always has been. Just think of the possibilities. When we are right with God…everything else will fall into place.

All you have to do is speak into the silence. All you have to do is ask and believe that He will answer. He will and your life will never be the same.

Merry Christmas.

Small Town Streets

Tonight...all I want to do is bundle up in a warm coat and scarf, maybe even with mittens and a hat, and walk down a quiet, small town street, listening to the sound of snow falling, breathing in the crisp, cold air, enjoying how cold my face feels as I walk through the night.

One day, it will all make sense....

After my treatment today, I pondered the words of my technician.
In the midst of the pain she had said, "Well, I always say that I can stand the pain as long as I know that in the end it will be something that makes me feel better about myself". And let me tell you, the treatment was PAINful. But hours later I don't remember the pain as much. I mean, I remember...it's just that the benefits begin to far outweigh those moments of great discomfort. And every couple of months, I know that I will subject myself to this pain yet again. But there is an end goal....there is something I want more than the pain itself...and so I must be willing to walk through the process.

All this to say, there are other discomforts....other processes to walk through....painful at times. And tonight I reminding myself that there is an end in sight....there is a reason for the pain and there is an better outcome directly connected to the end of it.

Depth comes through waiting and walking through.
Without waiting I don't think we'd ever become who we were meant to be.
We become more real.
More relatable.
More able to reach out and connect to others who have been waiting too.

Well, this is about all I can muster at the moment...other than to say...that God is good and He hears the cries of our hearts. I look forward to seeing His answers in the days to come.

Helped

I called him during my lunch hour on Wednesday as my car began to shudder and shake. I had left the school to buy cookies for the teacher meeting that afternoon. Most likely, I could have figured it out on my own...I could have waited until I left school to take my car to the garage. I could have ignored the problem and hoped for it to go away. But my dad is the best answer in any car crisis. I count on him to know what to do next. So I called to tell him about the problem. Almost right away he had already decided...he was going to take the day off to help me fix my car. What do you do in a moment like that...knowing your dad is going to come to the rescue...go out of his way to take care of something ?

I woke up this morning with the puffiest eyes I have ever seen. Seriously, I look like I have the eyes of a 70 year old. I called my mom...because mom's know what to do when it comes to things like this. She left her quiet Saturday morning to come and take me to the doctor. And I could have gone by myself. But it was so nice to have her there.

And then, this afternoon...after I had been held at the doctor's office for what seemed like forever and then finally got home...I was about in tears....my friend called. She brought me dinner from Panera...we watched a movie together...she drove me to WalGreen's to buy eyedrops and allergy medicine as we reinacted scenes from Hitch. I felt so cared for.

And my roomate...is so giving...goes out of her way to take care of so many things. Her and her boyfriend have blessed my life. I'm not sure that they even know how much encouragement I have received just from being around them.

I feel as if I am on the receiving end of so much grace. I am being helped instead of having to survive on my own. I don't know why it feels so out of the ordinary...but it does...and I am so thankful.

A Poem (or Poems) for the Evening

We wrote 5 W's Poems in class today. (Who, What, When, Where, Why) I think this type of poem reminds me of Wes. It captures a great deal of thought in very few words.

I
am still waiting
through days and nights
in my heart of hearts
because it is hard to give up hope.

Here is another:

He
listened to my words
that day
in the midst of other activities
contemplating, I suppose, what it might be like.

I
looked into his eyes
that same day
at the table where we sat
hoping to invest in more moments of just the same.

And another:

That city
has been calling my name
for six years
from some place deep within
unwilling to let me stay where I have settled in.

One more:

God
help me to rest from worry
tonight
in the patterns of my thoughts
I need to trust you.

I
feel better
now
at my computer
my thoughts creatively expressed and standing on their own.

It's hard to stop writing these poems....hehe. :)

Enough

These moments come too few and far between...you know...the ones where the only thing I can do, is ignore my to do list and sit in the silence after listening to a few amazing worship songs...and think...there's more.

I am realizing that my perspectives have remained small. My expectations have been slightly off course. And I realize that I have put others above Him. I have respected their thoughts and opinions more than I have waited on His. I have not let His perfect love define me. I have hidden in fear of being rejected or put aside. And I'm not really sure why. But I'm ready to face this. I'm ready to become the Ruth that slept at Boaz's feet, the Esther who boldy entered the courts of her king, the Rebecca that left everything she knew to marry Isaac, the Mary that trusted the word of God. They did not let their fears define them. Instead, they let their love for God define the course of their lives.

I have said many times recently, "I feel so much like that wave tossed back and forth". And I hate that thought because the book of James says that that person should not expect to hear anything from God. And then just the other day I read that verse again. It is the person who doubts who becomes that wave.

Have I been doubting? Have I been asking without believing? I am sure that it is all too true.

Here's the heart of it all: I have been allowing my desires to speak above His answers. All of my "what if's" have come to the forefront. And really, as I have allowed them speak louder than the words of God...it has become sin. No wonder I have not been at peace. No wonder my heart has not been at rest. Because it is only when we set our hearts on God, on drawing near to Him, that He gives us the desires of our hearts. Not the other way around.

The Lord keeps saying to me..over and over...to whom much is given, much is required. And I believe that this will sum up my life. He has already given me so much...now it's my job to believe Him, follow Him all the days of my life...to count the cost, to run after His heart, to show the plan of rescue to those who are in need Him. And I will. I will follow Him. No matter what. Because if I turned back now...there would be nothing to live for.

There is more. There is always more. I said this to my good friend Jilli tonight. We have as much of God as we want. We have as much of His plan as we choose to embrace.

And so tonight, I choose not to wallow in my unanswered plans and desires. I choose to set my heart on the author and finisher of my faith. I choose to believe that His love IS and will always be...enough.

Save ORU

As most of you have probably heard, ORU is going through some difficult times. It is hard for me to say anything against the university...my life was changed there, for the better. I knew God had called me to be there. My sister has also been blessed to be a student there.

However, rumors were constantly being spread about the family who ran the university. Those of us with wisdom stayed out of the debates...it only led to cynicism....and cynicism can lead to so many other things.

But the truth will always be found out. I pray that God brings truth and spares the university and the purposes He has for it. People all over the world have heard the gospel because of this place.

If you'd like to read more go here: Save ORU

Single

It's amazing because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married.
And now...in the face of new relationships I am second guessing that desire. It has been at the heart of every break-up, every time I have turned away for the hope of something more. In the back of mind, I have asked questions. But what about going to the nations? Would he go with me? What about singing, writing music and pursuing that passion? Would I be able to do this and still be committed to him? Each time, the answer has come along as "no". And each time I walk away I am drawn deeper into the heart of God, deeper into His plan for my life, and farther away from the desire to simply commit for the sake of be committed....if that makes any sense.

I joined eHarmony about two weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for awhile actually, thinking that it was about time I started to step out and take a look again. So when the 60% off coupon came along I jumped at the chance. I've met a couple of people...via email, not in person. But this question keeps coming up....what about the music? What about going and pursuing the calling of your heart? There's a very real chance I would lay it down in order to follow someone else's heart and calling...someone else's idea of what life should be. And it's at this point that my heart does a little bit of a flip-flop and I realize...I may not be ready to commit yet. I may not be ready for a family of my own. There is still more of the single life to chase after. There is still more of God to pursue.

Imagine...marriage and music...two of the biggest desires of my heart...competing for a chance to be fulfilled. And that's when I realize...that HE is my greatest desire. God, the one who has romanced me through the year, the one who has shown me the nations and asked me to walk through His fields, the one who has given me songs in the night, the one who takes me on adventures and walks with me.

I don't want to miss out on this romance I am tasting in some ways for the very first time.
And then again, in a tangible way, I do not want to be alone on this journey. I want to have a friend and companion to share this adventure with God. But only if it brings as much joy as I have now...only if it holds as much promise...as much excitement...as much intimacy. I now understand why Mattie wants to stay at the monastery....pursuing the God he loves. I now understand how there are men and women who are pursuing their passion and totally at peace with being single.

Praise God for the day I meet the man I will marry. But praise Him also for the days leading to that day....they truly are a gift.

Nashville

I'm about to follow a dream
To trust Him at His word
To believe that there is more
And step out
step forward
Let Him meet me there
And we'll see
as the days and nights unfold
What will become
Of these words, this song
We'll see
This is the dream bigger than I could hold
This is one I could not imagine without Him
This is the one
And I'm about to take the first step.

Good Gifts

DJ pointed out to me last night that her kids have taught her so much about the heart of God. As I went through today with my own kiddos, I was aware of our conversation.

R. is the sweetest little girl, but she is also headstrong, stubborn, and so longing for love and attention. There are good days and there are bad days. There are many days when I have to go way out of my way to get her back on track. This is true for teachers everywhere I am sure. However, she has a heart that longs for relationship. And every time she is in trouble, she writes an apology note explaining her situation. She apologizes over and over again, telling me how much she loves me and wants to do the right thing. It touches my heart every time, of course. And I just thought to myself today...she has the same pattern of behavior issues in my class...it is often a repeating pattern. But I would never kick her out. I would never stop loving her, accepting her, working with her to do better. There will be a day when she will move on from me but there will never be a day where I would not welcome her back. In essence, I was reminded of the verse that basically says, "And if we [earthly fathers] know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more does the Heavenly Father know how to give and even long to give good gifts to His children?"

Encouraging, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too.

Defined

I passed a milestone this past Thursday. And it may seem so simple, but it showed me something....

My lessons plans were done by Thursday night. I had planned on finishing them early, so that my weekend would be free for moving. What I didn't plan on was all of the extra ideas that would pop into my head, causing me to make yet another list of 20 things to do in my classroom this coming week. I took Friday off of school in order to pack...worried about the kids all day...debated over going in to collect their tests and papers at the end of the day...decided not to later on in the midst of my already busy day...then, thought all weekend about the rest of the class plans that needed to be made.

See, usually my lesson plans get put off until Sunday night. Usually, I hem and haw, feeling guilty about my "work free" Saturdays, lunch with friends after church, possibly a nap or two, etc., etc.

Even now, I am sitting here thinking about the missions update I need to send out to so many people...it's coming...dvd, pictures, newsletter all of it. I'm thinking about the music I'd like to start writing again. I'm thinking about the business that Lys and I only dream of at this point. So many things...and I wonder when I will actually find the time to pursue them.

All of this to say, that after finishing my normal "busy" work early on...I realized that it will never be enough. I will never be done with the feeling of having to do more. There will always be another project, another improvement, another way to achieve success. Now I see how work can become an addiction.

Now I see how easily we can become lost in the day to day striving.

Yesterday morning, Z., one of my students, came up to me while we stood in the line for the restrooms. He knew he was supposed to be quietly waiting his turn but he just had to tell me what happened that morning. Right before school, his mom had let him hold his new baby brother. He was so proud, so excited about the new life that he was able to be a part of. And I thought to myself...this is what life is about...not paperwork deadlines...not standards and rituals and routines. It's about enjoying the small, meaningful moments that can almost escape us if we are not careful.

I am so thankful for this move. I am thankful because the time I spend with my parents will now be planned and purposeful. I am thankful because I am living with two girls who know how to grab ahold of life and enjoy the moment. I need them right now.

I could almost get wrapped up in trying to perfect this job I'm in. It will never happen...no matter how late I stay into the evening...no matter how many hours of sleep I sacrifice. Yep, I'll feel awful good about the great job that I'm doing. But when I check my heart...where will I be...where will my song be playing...where will I have met with God? I'm not really sure...I have been too busy trying to be perfect...trying to be defined by the work that I do.

After dropping my kids off this afternoon...I walked back to my classroom and talked with Nan for an hour. It was raining outside...the classroom flooded with light contrasting the outdoor gloom. As she talked about heading home, I thought about the work that needed to be done. I decided to leave it and go home too. Tomorrow it will be waiting...and I'll think..."if only I had stayed...". But what is life without the prospect of love and spontaneity and enjoying a rainy, Tuesday evening with friends in your new apartment?

It's time to find the balance. It's time to follow my heart. Most importantly it's time to walk with the Lord and rely on His grace...not just my own strength.

Emeralds

"Miss T., they were talking about you," he said very seriously as he pulled me aside in the line.

"Oh really? What did 'they' say?"

He cleared his throat, stammered a little...

"It's okay, you won't be in trouble if you tell me."

"Well...they said...that your eyes were like emeralds."

"Oh," I said very importantly. "Thank you for letting me know."

"And they said you were ugly."

Ah, if only they had stopped at the emerald part... :)

Through

Sometimes God sends someone to awaken your tired, weary heart.

We talked about this someone tonight...and I remembered...how real, and beautiful, and painful that season had been. I remembered how I was never quite the same afterwards. My perspectives changed. I walked away knowing there was more.

I felt so alive and so beautiful, so much like a woman and a child all in the same body...he brought adventure, laughter, comradery, passion.

And then...he disappeared...and oh, the pain, the question of not feeling like I had been enough. This, this was the desire of my heart. Why had he come into my life...only to leave again?

I am old enough to know that if someone crosses our path it is for a reason. God's timing is so absolutly perfect. We do not run into each other by chance. We do not connect by mere accident.

And so what was the reason...for him? To this day I have only one answer...to awaken my heart again. Since that day, I have not been the same. I have longed to taste that life again; to grab ahold of the energy and the warmth of those days in early spring; longed for a love so seemingly unconditional and accepting.

Why am I writing this, in the early morning hours of my birthday? I'm not sure. I have spent my 27th year letting go of this experience. I have spent it trying to glean the lessons that I must learn. He might have saved me from compromising my heart in another way. He might have saved me for this very day when I would be looking ahead for more of God's BEST. But the whole truth is that God saved me, continues to save me...for Himself, for His plans and purposes...and that is the best love I can imagine.

If I had stopped there a year ago...stopped to rest in the arms of this someone...I would not be here writing this blog. I would not have known what He could do in and through me in this past year. And for that, I am thankful...to be at home, to be loved and to be waiting.

I had to go through to get here. Sometimes that's the only way I suppose.

What would you do?

What would you do if you heard of a man dying without God?

What would you do if given an open door to his bedside?

What would say to those mourning and in despair?

And if given 10 minutes alone in a funeral home with the body of this same man...what would you pray?

I wonder if your answer would be the same in reality as it is now in the comfort of your stature as you read this blog. I wonder if your answer would have anything to do with whether this man was a friend or stranger, or whether his religion was anything close to yours. I wonder what you really believe about the power of God?

I wonder because I have seen a man this week and I have been asked the very same questions.

I thank God for the gifts He has given me in this past week. He has given me a friend and prayer partner to do battle with. He has given confirming words to let us know we were hearing from Him. He has given us His joy and His peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding. And He has given us opportunity to rise up in faith and to be bold as women of God.

On the first day, we interceded for his healing and salvation. I kept hearing the word chutzpah. When we looked it up we found it to mean, "the character of someone who has the gall, after murdering his/her own parents, to throw himself/herself at the mercy of the court, because he/she is an orphan". Upon reading this, we were convinced that we had been standing in the gap, asking for God's mercy to be upon this man as he faced death for the wages of his sin.

We prayed for 2 days and on the second day we were able to go into his hospital room. This family was Hindu but they welcomed even our prayers over this man. Upon leaving we prayed more. My friend praying with me clearly heard, "He has sent His Word". We believe that God heard our prayer and rescued this man. Two hours later, his life support was removed and this man passed away.

It has now been 2 days since his death. My friend and I planned to meet for the viewing today at a certain time. While we were driving we talked on the phone and laughed, marveling at the possibility of men and women being raised from the dead...and how even today, it could happen. We both admitted to asking God for such a thing to happen. When we arrived, we found the room to be empty. The funeral director told us the family had left for a couple of hours to eat. He then left us alone in the room with the open casket. Could it be? We stood and prayed...calling on God for His will to be done, calling on God for what we thought could only be possible through Him. Why not ask Him? Why not?

I wish I could see what happened in the spiritual realm today.

After about ten minutes, the funeral director walked in and began to talk with us. He told us why he did not wear a watch. He said that once, he had visited the Basilica in Rome...when the Pope was there to speak. And while he was there, his watch was stolen...he believes it was by a man who had actually befriended him. Well, they found the man, but never found the watch. He continued to explain that when such events at the Basilica occur there are thieves everywhere. "Can you imagine," he said, "we were in the most holy of places on earth, coming to see such a holy person, and there were more thieves there than anywhere." His statement hit me right away...although he was speaking of things manmade, it reflected something in the spirit. The enemy knows when the glory of God is coming, and the enemy plans to set out and steal from the people of God who are gathered. How important that was to hear today. So many I have talked with this week know others who are dying or who died during this past week as well. So many are without hope and despair...the enemy has set out to kill, steal and destroy. That must mean one thing...that the glory of God is on its way, that it is here even now. That must mean that there are many who are ready to hear the word of God...who are waiting for His rescue, for His return.

There is so much more that has been planted into me this week. If only I could express it all. Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph.

Thankful

I've been standing on a mountaintop for a few weeks now...and I see my life.
How good it is to know that God has been there...orchestrating, loving, molding, shaping. I have been so afraid. I have been worried. And now I look back and see that I never had to worry at all. God is faithful to bring us through. I see that now. He is faithful to show us the truth...about Himself, about ourselves.

Like my good friend PJ said, I really have no words...I am just thankful.

Thankful for the family that I have grown up in. Thankful for the good memories. Thankful for the hard lessons. Thankful for the friendships I have been given. Thankful that I have remained single up to this point in my life. Thankful to be walking with God and seeing His plans unfold.

I am with my grandma and my great aunt and uncle this week. And although I am 27 years old I still feel like a kid being with them. Especially my uncle. I don't know the half of what he thinks about, but he is full of logic and conservative views. He was once in the Navy, so even now we have specific plans and times for each day. But my uncle, sees beauty...I want to listen to him every chance I get. I get excited about being around him to hear what he is going to say next. When he interupts a conversation or insists that we hurry along...it's only because there is something beautiful or amazing to see around the next corner. And his vocabulary is so fun to hear. Today before we even arrived at the restaurant for lunch, he made the plan for our entry and talked of how we needed to "capture" a table.

Thanks to him we have not missed a color in the sunset, an opportunity to see boats being constructed, eagles flying overhead or the way a rock has been formed by glaciers.

There is so much joy in watching God's creation. There is so much joy in stopping to admire the beauty of a sunset or the way rocks have washed up on a beach. It is here that I have been able to be still and know that He is God.

Divine Appointment

I'm in Honduras. I don't have a whole lot to say at the moment. One thing is for sure, this is a divine appointment in my life. I kept thinking as I was walking through the airport..."This is a new beginning." I am staying in a beautiful pink house, in an apartment I have all to myself. The pastors here took me to the store for groceries on the second day. Every morning I get up to spend time with children in the orphanage close by. I return in the afternoons to help the older kids with their homework and once even to teach them a Bible lesson. I feel at peace and so provided for. And I have been able to sit and listen to missionaries who are experienced on the field. I am learning so much, so much. I will write more soon.

No Matter What

How do we have hope when we do not understand? What do we believe, when what we believed does not come to pass. I've been asking God, asking Him for the truth.

He is answering. There is this deep question in me. It is very closely attached to my desire to be married. Because a majority of what I've thought about during my lifetime is the relationship I will share with someone someday, the days when I will start my own family, the places we will go, the life we will share. I've never doubted that it would happen...year after year...through broken hearts and disappointments...through friendships and beautiful moments. But in this past year especially, I have seen that it can be gone in a moment. I have seen that God could send someone, the biggest desire of my heart...and then he could disappear sooner that I would have wanted or imagined.

I'm here this week visiting with friends who are really more like family. And this thing has come upon them. They have lost their father, their husband...a man, a pastor in the prime of his life. And the thing is they prayed for healing, they prayed for a different answer. But he went home anyways.

So what do we believe? And how do we move forward? I know God has a plan. I know He will work all things together for good. So many testimonies have come out of this time...salvations even. I know God has been and will continue to strengthen this family. I know they will rise from the ashes of this time.

I am learning to live my life with open hands. Allowing God to weave His story. Letting go even when I do not think it should be time. Holding on to Jesus, the only security, the only safe place in this world. Everything will change. We will say goodbye. We will turn around and miss someone we love. But God is still good. He is still speaking. He is still moving us forward, bringing life with every breath. And we have to trust Him...that His plans are better, that His ways are higher...that He loves us more than we could ever know.

And someday we will understand. Someday we will find joy in the tears that He has collected. What a beautiful and mysterious journey we are all asked to take. I have always wanted to travel with a friend. But I am finding that the only friend who will stay from the beginning to the end is God Himself. And I want to know Him more. I want to stand secure in His love and say, "No matter what, I am with you."

God Answers

"Faith is the substance of what we hope for, the evidence of things we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

She asked me not to tell anyone about what's going on...so I won't tell her name...

I have had this friend for 11 years. When I first met her, we were in our junior year of high school, working together at a local Bob Evans. She was living alone, dating an abusive boyfriend, and had no relationship with her parents who had also been abusive throughout her childhood years. She had been through a number of homes and had run from the authorities on several occasions. This girl was a girl on the move and my heart went out to her. I told her that if she ever needed anything she could call.

I don't know how to explain the past 11 years in one short blog...I don't think it's possible. All I know, is that a girl who was once hardened by years of abuse and rejection, who once would have fought any person who stood in her way or misunderstood her, a girl who has been told that her body is fighting against her and has spent nights in the hospital room, a girl who has been cheated on and abused and still stands in the midst of all of these things....is at peace.

We talked yesterday for a little while...catching up on her latest move and what was happening. She shared about events that I had hoped she wouldn't have had to go through. She shared about more heartache and pain that I really felt possible to bear. She spoke of so many things....and in the midst of it all...she said, "I don't really worry about it anymore. I feel like that weight has been lifted from me." Could it be? I thought to myself....Could it be? I asked her why. I asked her...because the girl I knew so long ago...would not have spoken with so much peace. The girl I knew would not have said, "I know God will do what's best for me...and I will do whatever He tells me to do." I asked her if she was trusting the Lord...and she said, "yes".

Years of prayer...of long phone conversations...of reaching out and hoping...of seeing glimpses and the gradual softening of her heart, and then, all of a sudden, one day...the answer comes. My friend has put her life in God's hands. I didn't need to hear that she prayed the prayer...that she went forward to the altar. I heard the peace that pervaded her every word. She's not fighting anymore. She knows her life is in God's hands.

I am so humbled and in awe of this whole situation. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of this amazing person's life. She is stronger than I am. God has given her much grace. I feel released today. I feel like I've been waiting so long for this news...I've been holding on...and today...I am more ready to move forward than I was yesterday. I'm ready too see what else He has in store.

Please pray for her as you read this. Pray that God strengthens her, and heals her and provides in a way that only He can do. Her name means, "wanted child"...please pray that she knows how much God loves and accepts her and welcomes her with open arms.

Long Day in the Delivery Room

Last night..look very closely and you can see the beginnings of the hatching.

Our first chick born this morning at 11:15am...name: "Chris"...we voted...other choices were Booker T. Washington, Jr. and Peep-Peep.

Second chick. No name yet. We were able to watch this one come fully out the shell as a class. It was a beautiful moment. As Daija said, "I am so happy for these chicks, Miss T.!"

With this cute little face...do you think we got anything done today? Umm...no. I couldn't even concentrate and I'm the teacher. :)

One second they're up...the next they're out cold. We're expecting 3 more by the morning.

Seeing it Through

Again, tonight it happened...like so many moments before..the label. The one that puts me in the quiet box. I hate it. I have hated that label since I can remember. Of course, it could be the fact that many times I find myself the listener, the observer. It could be the fact that I am usually the newer one to the group. I have plenty of friends or family who know the difference...but they have known me for a lot longer. They know that there is a bundle of energy just waiting to happen.

No one has probably ever meant any harm with their statements, "Oh, you're always so quiet..so calm." I know what they mean. I'm not loud and in your face. I'm not the one who fights to take the spotlight. But that's not what I hear. What I hear is that I am not noticeable. What I hear is that I am easily overlooked, not as fun...and therefore, not as important.

And so there it is. Carrie and I talked about the lies we believe about ourselves the other night. And this is one of them. I believe that I am easily overlooked, not as important, not as beautiful or as noticeable as the rest. And whenever the "quiet" statement or something like it comes up...as much as I hate it and want to rage against the label...I am stuck...because if others are seeing it, it must be true right?

At the core of who we are...we want to be known. And in the midst of being known, we want to be accepted. It's no wonder we are hooked on Hollywood and reality television shows and internet dating sites. It's no wonder we are so concerned about our reputations, our fashion statements, our resumes and our success stories.
It's no wonder that I am so disappointed when I have been misunderstood or misinterpreted. It's no wonder I have felt entirely inadequate when comparing myself to those around me. My perspective has been all wrong.

The Bible states that we did not choose God, but that He chose us...this verse is full of acceptance. Scriptures also go on to say that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. Which tells me that He knew who we were...He knew our darkness, our pain, our grief, our hopes and dreams. He knew it all and yet still wanted to be with us, still wanted to lay His life down for us.

So the truth is, I am accepted and loved and important. Now if only it would get through to my heart. Then I would know better when given a label...I would know that the label doesn't matter. I would remember that to know others and to be known by them takes patience and unconditional love.

We have to look beyond the surface. We have to see to the heart of people. We have to ask God for His eyes. Because Jesus never labeled anyone by their behavior. He saw their heart and He drew the real, authentic person out. I want to be that type of person. I want to be surrounded by people who strive to do the same. And more than anything in the world, I want to be that confident, fully alive person...the one who never gives a second thought to what others may or may not be seeing...the one who cares only about the thoughts of an unconditionally loving and merciful God.

Passing Days

3 more days...and our little classroom chicks will hatch.
30 more days...and my students will leave for the summer.
And with every single one of these days, I am overcome with the goodness of God...with our need for His healing...with our need for life beyone the here and now.

I am encouraged on every side...by friends and family and students and strangers. And still I find this struggle against known and unknown. A lot like the chick breaking out of her egg. No matter how much my students want to see them come out. No matter how hard each chick will be struggling to break their eggshell open...we cannot help. We must not open the egg. It's the struggle that strengthens that little chick. It's the process that allows its life in this world.

And I suppose I must remember this with my children. They are fragile...and often I feel that I have been so impatient by the end of the day. I see their frustration through the eyes of time management and standards. I want to push them through. And I can't. They must do it on their own. I can give them what they need... education, structure, a hug, a word of encouragement...but I cannot grow for them; I cannot open their shell.

I am continually reminded of the words of Mother Theresa..."In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." And as I think about this, I think about the fact that all of us want to be important. We all want to do something great, something noticable. But what if that is not what's important? What if the small, unnoticable acts of kindness and love are greater? I believe they are.

I was challenged with this question earlier this week: "Who's kingdom are you building?" Of course, I would want to say.."God's kingdom". But how many times have I said or done things to make myself more important, to make myself more loved, to make myself more well known? It breaks my heart really...to think about it. Because for so long...my faith has been about what makes my own life good.

And while walking with God will always bring unmeasurable goodness to our lives, there is so much more. What about knowing Christ? What about hearing Him speak into our daily lives? What about speaking to Him, as if He is our best friend in the world? Depending on Him as we would our own husband or wife, or mother or father, or sister or brother. What about sharing Him with those we love most in this world? What about sharing His love with a complete stranger?

When will we begin to reach out? When will we step out from behind our walls and begin to walk with this great God who saved our lives? When we do...they will be healed...these people around us who are so desperately hurting. When we do...we will find joy...apart from the American dream...apart from things and circumstances and yes, even other people. When we do...we will forgive and find forgiveness.

Back to the beginning. Who knows the number of our days? Only God. Tomorrow things will change...we will change. We will find new distractions and we will find opportunities to know Christ better. We will find closed doors and new opportunities. We will find open doors and long lost friends. We will look and see our days passing before us. The question is...How will you spend your days? He has set life and death before each one of us. He has set eternity in our hearts. So how will you live? And how will you show others to live? It's what I'm asking myself tonight.

Hot Topic

"Miss T., I found you a husband."

Even though we were standing in line in the hallway and my students were supposed to be standing without talking, I had to hear the rest of this one. So I asked this little guy..."Really, where did you see him?"

"At the store," he said. "He's a Marine. He was dressed in his uniform."

"Did you tell him that you had a teacher who needed a husband?" I asked.

"No, I didn't tell him."

"What did he look like?" I asked, hoping for some good information. :)

"Well, he was wearing a uniform."

"Was he taller than me?"

"No."

"Was he shorter than me?"

"No."

"What color were his eyes?"

"Blue."

"How are we going to meet?" I asked again.

"I don't know, but I found him for you."

I thanked my student for the good find, flattered that he would be looking out for me even on the weekends. :)

I never bring up the subject, but out of the blue, usually in the middle of math or some other tedious project.."Miss T., how you 27 and you ain't got a man?" These kids are on a mission this year. They have written books for me on how to find a husband. They have drawn pictures of my wedding day and dates I should go on, etc. When the single police officers walk the hallway they make sure to ask me loud enough if I like him or not. Some even claim to know what my husband's name will be. So if there are any Steve's or Jerome's out there...you might want to leave me a comment...lol.

It's Time

I spoke with a dear friend of mine this evening by phone. We haven't talked in about 8 months probably. I'm not even sure how to write down what I am thinking after our conversation together. She is working in a place where so many have poured out their lives for what they believe in. And even though we have known each other for quite some time and shared our hearts quite often, I felt so honored to speak with her tonight. Our words had to be censored, I slipped a couple of times and felt so bad about it! Until you are not allowed to say the name of God or speak openly about what He is doing, you do not realize what a privilege we have in America. I did not realize how often or how easily Christian words came out of my mouth. Even now, writing this blog I feel like I have to censor what I am saying.

As I spoke with her, I began to think about our times together in the past. I thought about the prayers we had prayed together...on city street curbs, on living room couches, in parks and backyards, in cars, in church, in college campuses. I thought about the dreams we had shared with each other, literal dreams that breathed the hand of God. I thought about our times of worship; times when God's spirit was so strong. Those days were seeds. We were in the beginning days of our journey. And now, although the seasons have changed and taken us in different directions...we walk with the same God, we are of one heart...that this world will be changed, overtaken by God's glory.

I feel so...grown up. This is for real. My friend is doing the work of the ministry we only dreamed about eight years ago. She must trust in the promises and protection of God every day. She must walk by faith. And she needs my prayers, my support...and the prayers of so many others.

We talked today at our missions meeting about the purpose of missions trips. We talked about going to battle and warring against the darkness and the oppression over people's lives. Soon, I too will be going into unknown territory. But today, in this very moment...I have a mission. I will walk into school tomorrow and there will be a battle to win for the Lord. I will be here at home praying for the people I love. I will be out in public, and someone will need prayer or a word from God.

As a kindergarten teacher, I set up "dramatic play" centers. They were centers where the students could go and "practice" grown up things....from playing post office, to playing house, to being a doctor, etc. I believe that there is a season for all of us to be involved in those centers; seasons to practice what we will one day eventually grow into. Tonight, I am impressed with the fact, that it's time to put away those centers. It's time to do the real thing. God give me the wisdom and the courage to know what you are calling me to.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~1 Corinthians 13:11

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. ~Ephesians 4:14-16

Garage Band

So, check it out. A couple of years ago I heard about a worship event taking place in Berlin, Germany. People all over the world were planning on attending. And since I had been at One Day and experienced the amazing time of worship and fellowship there, I knew that this worldwide event would be just as amazing. I definitely thought about going, but did not have the chance. However, I did sign up for the newsletter that came from the coordinator of the event. I have been receiving this newsletter for probably about two years.

This past week, I saw that this coordinator and worship leader was going to be in Jacksonville. I researched and found that he was actually going to be at the very church that I attend. On top of that, I found out that he was going to be sharing with worship leaders on Thursday night. And even though I do not lead at a specific church, I asked if I could attend.

To make a long story short, God has answered more of my prayers this week. I have been wanting so much to be able to grow in the area of worship. Not only in musical skills and knowledge of songs and what not, but also I have just wanted to be around other musicians who love to worship the Lord....not worshipping the worship, not worshipping the song leader...but the Lord...first and formost. I have been longing for that place. And tonight I walked into this very type of place.

Twelve or so of us sat in a good sized garage, each with an instrument or microphone and we worshipped. Sometimes loud and sometimes silent. Sometimes with voice and sometimes with only instruments. I would have chosen this garage over a million stages worldwide. It was the intimacy...the non-show if you will. It was our hearts poured out as we shared fellowship with the Lord.

Rochester, do you remember when we sat in garages and parks and in front of church buildings on clear summer nights? Do you remember when the presence of the Lord visited our small group of friends? I remembered tonight. I remembered how worship had become our favorite activity when we came together. I remembered being changed and losing my taste for anything else but the real deal.

Tonight, I walked into this place...greeted by divine appointment. I now have a place to go and record my new songs. I now know others who are pouring their own hearts out in worship, others who I can hopefully learn from and grow with. God has given me a place.

Noel Richards shared his heart with us tonight about worshipping the Lord together. He said many things that stuck out to me and convicted my heart. First, "worship without mission is self-indulgent. mission without worship is self-destructive." Second, "it is not about the performance. it is about our relationship with Christ." Third, Noel himself quite a few years ago got together with a few musicians. They all said, "let's just worship together and see what God does." And so Noel, Matt Redman and Martin Smith and a few others gathered together and began to worship....out of those beginning days...came the songs we sing today. They began in a place...much like the place we were tonight.

I don't know what to say on nights like this. I am amazed at how God can use newsletters and random (so we think) encounters to connect us to people and places and opportunities that just yesterday seemed so far away. He gives me reason to believe that there IS a future and a hope. And I am humbled. Because I do not want to forget God in all of this. I do not want to forget that it is Him whom I worship. He is the reason for the song in my heart. Whether I worship in my room, or in a garage, or on a stage in front of many people...I want my heart to remain the same, constant and loyal to the only ONE I have come to worship.

Worth Your While

So, if you have 30 minutes, sit down and watch this worthwhile video. It's about a Muslim man who comes to Christ.

10 Years

Today I felt that overwhelming emotion...you know, the one where God is so big and no matter what you do, you'll never be able to measure how far He has traveled or just where His influence has infiltrated your daily life.

I had lunch with a friend whom I had not seen in about 10 years. This friend and I have at least two things in common...our childhood homes and our high school. And I never knew him then. Back then, he was an acquaintance...someone I saw standing next to lockers in a hallway, sitting at a desk across the room, talking to other people I knew, maybe once in awhile having a short conversation. The point is, we probably talked more today than we ever have in our lives combined. I didn't know how caring he was. I didn't know that he had a relationship with the Lord. I didn't know a lot of things.

It's good to know that you can grow up and move far away and still be able to find people who knew you back then. It's good to have history. It's good to have friends with whom we share our history. It's good to connect 10 years later and see how far God has brought you and what He has done in your life.

Halfway to 28

Today, I am officially 27 1/2 years old. (i.e. It's my half birthday.)

Drive By

So I was driving across the Buckman Bridge tonight, listening to the radio. As I looked to my left a man was driving by...younger, good looking and at a glance the spitting image of one of my best friends from the early college days. The car was green, a two-door Honda accord with NY plates. My best friend's car had been a black, four-door Honda also with NY plates...close enough. And even though I hadn't thought about missing him in quite some time, tears came pouring out of my eyes. Out of nowhere, this great void opened up inside of my heart and it was like missing him for the first time. He had been the one I came home to over college breaks, scolding me if I did not call right away. I had seen him off on his first big missions' trip. He had been there the first time I ever gave a sermon in front of church, and he was the first one to hug me afterwards. He saw my insecurities and some of my failures. We both had disappointments. We ministered together for about 2 years. We played together on swings and camping trips and wherever else the opportunity came up. We prayed together. We talked about our futures and our dreams. I loved him very much.

But like I said in a recent blog, things change. And time changed our friendship. He fell in love with a beautiful girl and got married. I saw him on his wedding day. I saw him and I had to let go. I knew that I would probably not hear from him again for a very long time.

I had one friend who tried to convince me to tell him how I felt. Call it pride...call it wisdom...call it divine intervention...I still don't know what it was. I never told him. I never asked him to consider my heart before he gave his away to someone else. No, I don't regret it; I still wonder what would have happened. But even now, looking back...I know that all is as it should be.

It's just that tonight, when I saw that car...I was hit by surprise. I was hit by this immense loss that could never be returned again. I will never have that friendship again. I will never have this person back in my life. I will only have the memories. And so, it is much like a death. I didn't realize that this grief could still surface. Because in a very healthy way I had let go a long time ago. That is what I had had to do. Hanging on would never have changed the situation. His heart belonged to someone else and never to me. We both had different destinies to fulfill.

This is a very random blog tonight. I am still asking God what all of this means.

Things Change

So, I love living in Florida. (Never thought I'd say that, but I do.) I haven't loved living anywhere for awhile, haven't felt like I wanted to settle down. But I can see myself here, in Jacksonville, settling down. My whole life, it has been one of my greatest desires to stay somewhere, to plant some roots. I have assumed that this would be the place and rightly so...my parents are here. I am done with college. I have a "secure" job. I love my church. I love the friends that God has given me here. I love the beach and how close I am to Orlando, Atlanta, Savannah, and the list goes on.

There is this very small, and I mean small, place in my heart that begs the question...will you ever return to NY? And when I hear it, I think NO I love it here, this is where I belong. Please do not be offended NY...I love you, I long to be there, I hate to leave when I am with you. It's just that I am not quite ready yet to contemplate this question. Seriously, the NY question is a blog in itself. Then there is this other place that suggests there are many other places in the world I still need to see. I dream of going to nations...literally dream. People speak words to me and pray prayers over me about going to the nations. I do not know what it will look like. I do not know what it all means. I just know that there is more than this city on the East Coast.

There is music inside of me. There are words yet unwritten, pages yet unturned. And I thought it would be here that my life would all make sense. It doesn't yet. And maybe it will soon. But all of a sudden as I come upon the 2nd year of my residence in the sunshine state, I am hit with the fact that this is not permanent. Even my friend Kate said to me tonight, "nope you won't stay here". How does she know?

But nothing is permanent. Things change. People move on. I have been humbled by that very realization this week. I couldn't buy the house I wanted. I found out that a couple friends of mine are moving. I have other friends leaving for military duty. My brother left for Iraq today. Other friends are getting married. A few are changing and moving in different directions and I don't see them very much anymore.

So either I can sit here and be disappointed and allow myself to feel displaced or I can move on as well. I can grab ahold of God and say, "What's next? Where do we go from here?" It's what I have done all my life. I have never stayed in one place for too long. I have never been able to set my roots in a community, or a group of people, or a piece of land for more than a season or two. My roots have become planted in the Lord. I go where He goes. It has never been easy, never. But the outcome has always been worth whatever pain it took to move on to the next place.

So all this to say, I am choosing to let go of my fears for what will happen tomorrow and to love what God has given me now. I am choosing to reach out and live and love and laugh as much as I can in this season. Because who knows when it will end? Who knows when the seasons will change and when these opportunities will come to an end? Who knows what will come next? God give us all grace to know when to let go and how to hold on to You.

A Drink of Water

I sat and listened to two random stories tonight. One was the story of a friend who has feelings for someone she knows she should not have feelings for. The other was of a new acquaintance who sat and waited by the phone for a call that never came and who I think was on beer number seven as I left to go home.

As I listed to both stories, I thought of myself. Pure and simple. I thought about how the situations affected me. I contemplated the times when I sat in the very same seat they were sitting in. I knew exactly how they felt. But all I could offer was a nodding of the head and words like "I feel you on that one; I know exactly what you mean; you deserve better, etc."

Joyce Meyer said the other day, we cannot give others what we do not have ourselves. Simply put, I can't give you a glass of water, no matter how thirsty you are, if I do not have a glass of water in my possession. Tonight, I didn't have my glass of water. I had theories. I had empathy. I had experience. I had every good intention of listening and giving some sort of good advice.

All I could think of was Proverbs 19:22 - What a man desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar. This verse is speaking volumes to me about compromise and about waiting on God. It reminds me of the woman at the well, who said to Jesus...Why are you asking me for water? (which in parable form = unfailing love) And Jesus answered back "If you knew who I was you would be asking me for the water (the unfailing love that will cause you to never thirst again). Here was this woman...broken, disappointed, ashamed, tired...and Jesus said to her...give me your love. She couldn't (and He knew it)...she didn't know how to recognize love...she didn't have it left in her. She had traded the real deal for other loves a long time ago, for other treasures...treasures that never measured up, that never filled the void she felt so deep inside.

I wanted to be like Jesus tonight. But I didn't have answers. Sometimes, I still feel like that woman...so past the point of dreaming, but so hopeful that someday a savior would come to show me what unfailing love truly is. Sometimes, I want to be better now, to be confident now, to be hopeful now....so that I can pass it on. Is it okay to still not have the answers? Is it okay to still be in the midst of working it out? Is it okay not to fully understand yet?

I want to understand. I want to know why things work out the way that they do, why people hurt each other and walk away from each other. I want to know why plans are thwarted even after seeking the Lord and believing for the best. I want to have understanding. I want these things, because I want to be able to walk with hope and to give hope to others when they are hurting. I want to be able to trust the Lord more than I do today. I want to be able to speak life, because life has been spoken to me.

Relieved

January was the month I began to feel that I should step out in faith towards the things I thought were supposed to happen in my life. One of those things was buying a house. The other was going on a mission's trip. Plans for both seemed to be coming along fairly well. Until last weekend, when the condo (the one that had everything I wanted) became locked behind a door that I could not open. Talking with my realtor yesterday, she said to me.."I have never seen anything like this happen before." She talked with other realtors and they said, "We have never seen anything happen like this before." My realtor, who is a Christian, and I both agreed that it must have been the Lord who saved me from going through with the deal. Basically, I had prayed, God I'm moving forward and trusting that everything is in your hands....fill in the missing pieces and please don't let me make any mistakes that would be detrimental. I asked Him to swing the door wide open, or else shut it so that it could not be opened. I didn't expect the door to shut. But when it did....I felt...relieved. So it leaves me to thinking about this verse from Proverbs 19:

21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

His purpose must be greater than my plans for a house. Because now I don't feel like I am supposed to buy a house at all. I feel like I am supposed to stay where I am and continue doing the same things with my money that I was doing before. It is time for something new, but as to what that something is...I'm not sure I can grasp it yet.

Goodbye Swish

I came home to find my fish tank covered with a towel and the filter unplugged. I knew right away that my dear little goldfish had passed on. I stood staring at her for quite awhile...hoping to see her big black eyes dart back and forth, hoping to see her gills opening for air. And truthfully, I wanted to see her breathe so much that I thought I did actually see it happen once or twice. Tapping on the glass did not help. So I turned the kitchen light off and headed for bed.

I've known for a couple of days that this was coming. She's been struggling to swim, laying at the bottom, hardly able to eat. I've been praying for her, singing to her (she loves singing), telling her how much I love her. She has had some health issues in the past, and usually when I pray she gets better. Her spots disappear, her energy increases. But this time was different. She was just about to turn 5 years old.

Her original name was Destiny, but I called her Swish for most of her life...this came about from incessant fish babble when looking at her bowl and talking to her...c'mon I know I'm not the only one who talks to their pet fish! Our meeting happened at a college picnic in the hot August weather of Tulsa, OK. An entire kiddie pool was filled with goldfish from Wal-Mart and my friend and I were put in charge of helping students fish for their own little pet. By the end of the day there were still at least 100 fish left over. We were going to have to dump them in the pond where the turtles and ducks also lived. Feeling much compassion and the need for something to take care of I began to pick out fish for myself. There was one that I particulary had my eye on, and trying as hard as I could I never could catch that one in the net. But then there was another fish...the one I didn't really want...the one that got caugh in my net every single time I went for the other. She (Destiny) ended up being one of the five I took home.

I put the five refugees in a small fish bowl and they all sucked air from the surface the entire night. The next day I learned that only one fish could and should be expected to fit in the bowl I had purchased. I had to find them new homes and I did...except for two...Faith and Destiny. Within about a week I came into my dorm room to find that Faith had died by swallowing a rock that was much to big for her...at least I think that had been the problem. That left Destiny.

And true to her namesake she stayed with me...back and forth, in the backseat of my car, from OK to NY at least two or three times during college breaks, through a long summer night in the college dorm tornado shelter, moving off campus to an apartment, staying with friends (who had a track record for killing fish) when I had to leave town, when we moved to Florida almost two years ago now. Even mom and dad loved her and took care of her more than I did when I moved back home.

Swish was my companion, my little reminder that sometimes we are blessed with things we didn't think we wanted. I will miss her welcome every morning. I will miss her excitement to talk with anyone who came near to her little fish tank. I will miss knowing she is there.

Random DC Trip

I spent the weekend in DC with Jilli this past weekend. :) We did the tourist thing...which I haven't done for about 10 or 11 years.

Night tour of the memorials.

George Washington's garden.

Lincoln Memorial.

Jilli and me at the Capitol.

Mt. Vernon...it was a beautiful day but so cold...below freezing with the wind chill.

The Capitol Building.

This Is The Place

So, the house stuff is coming along...here are some furnished pics of the place...it won't be quite as trendy when I first move in...but you'll get the picture. 1900 square feet and my own personal screened in porch upstairs!!! Closing is in 2 weeks. I am praying for favor and finances, if anyone feels so inclined to pray along. :)

Backyard view

Living room and entryway

Back porch with new glass windows

Part of the kitchen with shutter that open to the dining room

Master bedroom...see the porch?? :)

Look at living room from upstairs...notice the long curtains cover sliding glass doors that lead to the porch.

Front view.

Here We Go!

This week, the horizon is broadending....from wedding singer and once in awhile worship leader, to performer. Yep, it's a nice little half hour set down at the beach. But it's also a Saturday night set...in a place where lots of people will be. I'm so excited. Again, just like last year when I recorded I keep hoping that I'll be ready. Hoping that I can find the right songs and play them well...Yes, I've been preparing...but now the pressure is on...and I'm REALLY preparing. God has opened such a big door. This little joint is a great venue for new artists as well as some well-known artists. Who knows what will happen down the road from here, what connections will be made? I also get to lead worship for around 50 people at the homeless outreach on Sunday.

Scam

So this picture was forwarded to my email account today, entitled with something to the extent of, "Watch Out for New Scam". To all of you who walk down concrete sidewalks and love to feed and pet the baby ducks...keep an eye out for their mothers, you never know who may be out to steal your dollar "bills". hehehehe

Gram's Love

I called gram randomly today just to talk and found out that it would have been her and grandpa's 52nd wedding anniversary. He died about seven years ago. So I asked her how she feels on days like this. She told me she thinks about the memories. I love to hear her memories. Even if I have heard the story before, there is something so comforting in hearing how grandma and grandpa lived their lives before I ever came along.

He was a vacuum cleaner salesman putting himself through the Baptist seminary. Gram says that when he came down her street for the first time, they looked at each other, said hello, and then gram ran into the house, safely behind the window, to continue watching him walk down the street. When he came to her house, he told my great grandma (gram's mom) that he loved the picture of gram that sat on the piano. Gram said today that she likes to explain it as "love at first sight".

The pastor's wife invited grandpa to church that Sunday. He came along with two other girls. Gram said she kind of lost interest after that. But her friend leaned right over and whispered, "There's a man for you, Eleanor." Somehow Eleanor and Robert became friends and spent a lot of time together through church activities in the following months. Then, they ended up dating for about 5 or 6 months. He never asked grandma to marry him. He only told her that he had gone home at Christmas and had said to his mother, "Well, I found the woman I'm going to marry". He gave her a ring a few months later and they were married about a year after that.

I asked gram if she was ever nervous around grandpa when they first met. She answered by saying "No not really. He was just so precious to me right away." I've been thinking about this all night. I'd like to be able to say that about my husband someday, "he was so precious to me, even from the very beginning." I'd like him to be able to say the same about me.

I don't know if it's the time for me to be worrying about all of this, although worrying is never really a good choice. I just know my track record for nervousness around people I potentially have a crush on. It's either a sign that I am with the wrong people, or I am walking around with the wrong perspective. I believe it's the latter statement. What gram said today is so right on though. Whoever God places into my life and whenever He chooses to do so, is not meant to create fear or anxiety.

All of this to say, I want to be able to talk like my grandma someday. Sometimes, I feel like I already do, I see her reflection in some of my own words and decisions. She has a lot ot say about life, and love, and walking with the Lord, and ministry. There is something so sweet about her, about my mother even. They see beauty and multiply it through their words and actions. Gram (and mom) have shown me Jesus and have taught me about love in more ways than they could probably ever imagine. It makes me want to reach out and love the whole world like they do. It makes me want to wait and hold out for that "precious" love Gram spoke of this afternoon.

My Valentine

My grandpa sent me a valentine this week. I felt so special. Inside the valentine card, he put article clippings of teacher salaries in NY. When I called to thank him he said (in a joking sort of way), "So it doesn't make you want to move back to NY?" Aw, grandpa wants me to move back home. He signed it from both him and gram...but I knew it was his idea to send the card. This is probably the first valentine where I didn't feel as if it was just another holiday and just another grandparent's joyful obligation. He meant what he said.

ps-I woke up to flowers and the most beautiful card on the counter this morning...thanks mom and dad. You make me feel special too.

Am I sad that I am single on this holiday? No way. Because love is for all year...and showing love is something I am not so great at doing on schedule. I am better at giving random gifts for really good reasons. I am better and calling and hugging and holding and serving when the moment is just right and calls for a step to be taken. Schedule a holiday and I might disappoint you. Ask me for friendship and I will love you forever.

Happy Valentines Day friends and family. Thank God we are where we are today. Thank God that He is faithful to love us EVERY day.

52 Years and Counting

There was a substitute teacher across the hall from my classroom today. She had to be at least 70 years old, walked with support braces on her arms, and couldn't read small print. But I could tell that energy and passion for teaching ran through her veins. I spent my planning time reading the lesson plans to her before school this morning, finding materials for her, as well as interpreting the lesson plans that didn't seem to make sense. She informed me that she was "very into discipline" and asked if the normal teacher was laisse faire. I said no, and she said "good". While we were talking at least 2-3 of my students came into the room to interrupt the conversation. She responded with.."That's not my student is it?" "No, he's mine," I replied not even wanting to know what she thought of me then. "Good," she said, right within the student's earshot as I ushered him back out of the room.

Mrs. N., I will call her, informed me that she had been teaching for 52 years...52...and she also informed me that she knew what she was doing. At then end of the day she told me that I could call on her anytime to sub for my classroom if need be. I didn't tell Mrs. N. that I am probably more laisse faire than she would appreciate. She did know the power of complimenting however. She thanked me for my help quite a few times. And even more than that, she told me as well as another teacher that we had beautiful teeth.

52 years? I am only finishing year 3. Last night I was at a Bible study where we practice hearing the voice of God. A woman shared with me that while she was praying she heard me saying "I want to teach. I want to teach." I have thought about that word all day, considering what it might mean. Because for so long I have said, "I don't want to teach. I don't want to teach." Could it be that I have been struggling in vain? Could it be that my calling is right here in my hands and I am turning against it? Could it be that my hidden doubts and fears are bringing dissention and disorder to our daily classroom routines?

Maybe I need to embrace what is here in my hands. Maybe I need to love what God has given me. Maybe, that voice deep inside of me...the one that cries out to be heard in the midst of my doubting, is the voice that will cause me to rise up and bring the light of Christ to my students and my colleagues in a very real way. What if I chose to agree with this adversary I have so long opposed? What if I came to an understanding and submitted to the hand of God? What if this has been my problem all along? What if I have been neglecting my calling?

Another question. If teaching is my calling, then what should I teach? Reading and writing? Or is there something more? Jesus, help me to become the teacher that you would be to these children. I fall so short, my patience has been lacking, my demands have been many, my fear has been strong. Help me to rise above and to serve these children. Help me to wash their feet, to lead them to you. It is your kindness that leads to repentance...and I can't help but think that it is your kindness that will change the face of my classroom. I don't know how...show me how. Create a love in me for this ministry and calling. Amen.

Stepping Out

Tomorrow begins the real search for a house. I am stepping out in faith that God has something for me, that He will provide. Even a year ago I was afraid to do this on my own. But here goes. At least this way, I can't take credit for being the most prepared, responsible, pockets full of money when I started type of homeowner. All I can do is take the steps and trust God for the open doors. He will. Here is an interesting catch. If I was related to Dr. Seuss in any way, I might consider the option.

Someday

I was talking with my friend Hannah over the weekend. We were catching up after not seeing each other for about 3 years. We were on the subject of prospective guys and she commented on a picture she had recently seen on my webpage asking, "What about him?" I laughed. Even though we weren't ever really the best of friends, even though she knew nothing of the past few years of my life, she had somehow pinpointed the exact same person I had thought about in my mind..."What about him?" It was so random, and yet so exactly on the mark.

Hannah's question came just days after I had given up hope, after I had settled in on the reality of the circumstances. I had come to the conclusion that neither time, nor distance, nor state of heart was going to work in my favor as far as this relationship was concerned. I told her about the impending circumstances. I told her details and important events about the relationship. I told her how tears would come to my eyes in conversations with him and how I wished so much for the chance to know how he felt, to know if we would work.

So Hannah asked me another question, "Can't you just ask him...'Why not us?'" It was the same question my mom had asked a couple of months ago. It was the same question another friend, years ago in another time and place, had pushed me to ask my best (guy) friend before he married some girl none of us really knew. I never asked him. And since his wedding day, I have not seen or heard from him. I mourned the loss of him in my life for quite some time. Every Christmas I send my Christmas letter to their address, but to no avail. I still think I did the right thing by letting him go. I did. My life has seen better days and farther places since that season eight or nine years ago.

But back to present situation. I don't feel like I am allowed to ask that question..."Why not us?" Because if I do, am I not infringing on someone else's heart? Am I not infringing on a friendship already comfortable and predictable? I would rather push my feelings aside and see this other person enjoy what they really want out of life. I can't stand the thought of making them feel guilty for not considering me. I can't stand the thought of losing them because of awkward hopes and dreams. I would rather wait for them to come around. I would rather wait for them to know that I am who they want. That I am who they dreamed of for their whole life. I never want to be their second place. I never want to think that I somehow had to talk them into some kind of agreement.

So, no, I probably will not ask the question stated above. I will think it in my heart. I will pray and ask God to answer. I will hold on to hope. And someday, if I am right, I will hear the question asked of me and be able to echo it back. Someday it will be right. I will bring light to someone's eyes and joy to their heart. Someday.

Thoughts on a Friday

Last week was easy. This week a challenge.
Last week I came home lighthearted and with a smile.
This week I have grumbled and cried and looked for excuses.

I'd like to be appreciated, like it if I was regarded as an outstanding teacher. As someone who goes above and beyond, who cares deeply about their job. Would I believe it though? If I walked into the classroom and saw me?

I need to stop being afraid. I am on edge when I hear footsteps in the hallway, when I hear the voice of my principal walking my way, when my children misbehave. I don't want to be looked at for not doing my job. And now, teachers will begin to get paid for their performance. Isn't that nice...based on numbers and opinions we will be paid accordingly. Truthfully, if I was confident about this job, I wouldn't worry. If I was confident, it would be no big deal. But I'm not. I'm afraid of appearing as if I am still a struggling teacher.

Time to go clean up. More later.

Land of the Living

This week I get to see a very good friend of mine. She is here in Jax for a conference. We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and haven't talked in about one year. So we laughed and talked until about 2am this morning. This will go on until Friday when she leaves.

When I moved my junior year of high school it was in the middle of the school year. I was heartbroken about the move and did not make a single solitary friend at this high school...except for Kim. She was a gift from God...she had only moved there about 2 weeks before me. We sat next to each other in homeroom. Our days were spent shopping, driving around in her family's big blue van, listening to music, talking about boys, talking about God, laughing a lot. Even after I left the high school and the city 6 months later, we remained close and kept in touch. Who knew that 11 years later, after college and careers and moving to different states, that we would still be close friends...hanging out in sunny (cold at the moment) Florida? Who knew what an encouragement we would be to each other's lives?

I didn't know why I had to move...all those years ago. It was such a lonely time. But if I had not gone, had I not entered that classroom full of strange faces, I would not know Kim. I would not have the joy of our friendship. She was probably one of the first people to inspire me to write musically and to sing. She remains to be one who inspires me to keep walking closer to God.

Recently, I was in my driveway at nightime and noticed how the light illmunitated a large rectangular area near the road. I'm not sure why I was so compelled but I felt I had to stand in the middle of that area....or maybe it was a circle..I can't remember. When I stepped into the light I heard God say, "I will lead you to places you do not want to go, but in the end it will be a blessing." Well, needless to say I didn't know how to feel about this word. It was both encouraging and intimidating. But as I looked back upon my life, I realized the pattern that I had gone through. I saw a lifetime of going to places I did not necessarily want to go...and I saw the blessing that came from those places.

I saw moving around as a child...it led to friends and connections that even now I keep in touch with. I saw my unexpected college roomate Zoe, who set up her side of the room before I even knew we'd been assigned to the same room...we make a point of seeing each other once a year...she has inspired me to create and dream and be more real than I was before. I see this school I am working at now, such a challenge...but I am learning how to persevere, how to minister, how to humbly serve those I don't really want to serve in the first place. I saw relationships, I saw places, I saw jobs....I saw the hard times and through it all...I saw how God's hand was leading me, protecting me, molding and shaping me to be who I am today.

My darkest moments were telling me of better days to come. I did not know it then. But the promises were there. God help me to remember your promises for every day after this. Help me to remember that you are good and that you are leading me to a good land...a promised land. Help me not to be afraid of the giants I see standing in the way. By Your hand and Your word...I will overcome.

Psalm 27:13-14

What, what would have become of me had I not believed

that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord;

be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.

Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Turn It Around

I received a prophetic word about eight years ago about my husband. In it, the Lord asked me not to marry outside of His will for my life. He said that I would be an answer to some guys cry. He said that before that I should not let my heart go, because I would go through a season where I walked with the throne of God, a season where He would bless my life. Well, I've had a few opportunities to let my heart go since that time. Sad to say, maybe too much on some points. But God has brought me through. And so I'm wondering, were these boys along the way, the test that came with the word? I went through tests and trials that is for sure. But the season...the one where I was not even to contemplate a relationship...did I miss that season being distracted by these relationships...or is it yet to come? (I might write a book about all of it...just because it has a lot to do with my testimony.) I walk into this year...with more freedom, with a confidence that I have left the past behind. I walk into this year with an expectation for God to move. I walk into this year with a desire to move forward, to press further in, to know the fullness of God in every area of my life. I have been "fickle"...tossed back and forth in my feelings and desires. And all I really want is the Lord. All I really want is to know Him, to walk in the purposes that He has for my life. If that includes being married, so be it. If that includes ministry, so be it. It is time for walking close with Christ. I don't know what it looks like exactly...I don't know where I will go. But I do know it will be worth the change in focus...laying down the desire for my husband, laying down my own plans and preconceived notions...allowing God to pave the road ahead and show me the way.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God
And I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you

And my heart burns for you