I've tried writing a new post at least three times this week. Each time I get loaded down with all the pictures and words that I haven't written for two months. The process has gotten a bit overwhelming. I have not yet finished what I was trying to say. Which leads to my next thought...
There were a lot of things last year that I meant to do and never quite got to finishing. The short list? Recording a new demo, starting a new workout, keeping a perfectly up-to-date grade book at school. This is just the starter list, of course, but even these three things are strong enough to tell me that I did not measure up to my expectations.
It got a little overwhelming thinking about it all. I told Mike that I loved it when he asked me questions. So, obviously he began to ask really good ones about my music and about school. I quickly realized that I only meant that I like certain kinds of questions. The kind that distract me from the measuring up that I didn't get to do yet.
So, the snow fell last weekend. Four deep inches laid on the ground, keeping the school buses from running for an entire week. I had been worried about finishing report cards. Imagine my excitement at the promise of four extra days of completely no distractions like going to work! Yet, even now (five days later) I am looking at them in their unfinished state. Maybe tomorrow I will get them done? :) Most teachers will know what I am talking about.
In all of my non-report card moments I've been able to do a lot of reflecting. It seems like each time I sit down to listen to a new teaching from the Bible, or read something, or have a conversation with a friend, I have had the chance to deal face to face with my failures, the love of God, and find some rest from all the guilt I've been feeling about not finishing the projects that I promised myself would be really good for me. I think the best part of this week has been handing over these failures to God. I needed to hear that it was okay to fail and to not follow through on some things. I needed to hear that I was allowed to start out fresh and new. I needed to hear that I was still loved. I needed to realize that it really was okay to lay down all of my own expectations and not hold them over my head.
I'm looking forward to a new year without any expectations except for the one that God is on my side, that He loves me, and that His love is more than enough. It's going to be a great year! I can't wait to see each day unfold. :)
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD