Monday, July 28

Starting Over

Somewhere, in the midst of all that we are doing...a call resounds...we may choose to ignore it, we may choose to find its source.

Somewhere, in between thoughts of family, friends, meals, business, and current events... we are letting ourselves become defined...either by these common bonds of humanity or by the creator who caused them to come into being.

There is a beginning.  There always was a beginning.  Either we find its place or we become consumed by the idea that we did not need to begin.  Because it is humbling to begin.  It is humbling to say that once... we did not know.  And many of us, including myself, choose to hide in the effects of history, the aftermath, the current events that seem so confusing, so undefined, so in need of our expertise and ability to problem solve.  But, like I said, there was a beginning.  There was a reason.  And that reason has not changed.

We were meant to live.  We were meant to know each other and to be known.  We were meant to have a relationship with the One who created us.

It is all so simple.  God created man to enjoy relationship with him.  Man turned away from God, only to find that, A. he had lost everything good, and B. he did not have enough power to make up for the loss he had chosen.  But God made a plan.  He knew man would suffer greatly without him (suffering that would eventually lead to death forever), and it turned out to be true.  God could not stand for this, it was against everything in His heart.  His plan was to give up His own life, to save the life of the man who would never be able to find his own way back.  And ever since that time, the message has spread through all cities, countries, people groups, times and generations.  God made a way back.  God made a way where there was no way.  And all man had to do was receive the message, turn towards God through Jesus (God's son who had carried out the plan of giving up His life to save the life of man.), and then carry the message as their own.

This is the story that defines my life.  God made a way so that I could KNOW Him.  

How many of us know Him?  I have been questioning my relationship with Him.  I know so much about Him.  I know His words.  I have done a lot of work for Him, given away time, money, possessions in His name, sang songs to Him, for Him, about Him.  I have talked about Him, even claimed to talk for Him.  But do I know Him? 

And I find myself asking the question...Is He even real?  Or is He just an idea?  Is He just a set of principles I have based my life upon.  Am I just looking for agreement among friends?  Have I surrounded myself with "yes" people?  Where is God?  Where is He in this generation?  Where is He among the nations?  Where is He in my family?  Where is He in my life?  Where is He among my friends?  Where is He in me?

Why does this questions plague me?

I have not sat with Him.  I have not waited to hear His words.  I have not asked Him for directions.  I have not allowed Him to reach out and heal me.  I have not given Him room to speak when I make a list of all of my worries and the general consensus of my circumstances.  Isaiah 59 talks about our sins separating us from the Lord...to the point where communication is totally cut off.  I read this the other day and thought...oh...that's not me.  And then I sat in church this past Sunday and heard the same passage.  

How did I get here?  To this place where my sin has separated me from the only voice that gives me life?  To this place where I don't even realize that I am essentially going on without Him...this place of thinking I can go out and get a job on my own...make friends on my own...find songs to sing about Him as if we were very close friends.  To this place of turning from Him...this place of losing my way back to where He is...to the very beginning...to my beginning.

And so I made a list today of the things that have kept me from Him...and I told Him I would like to start over.  I don't know what starting over looks like.  But here I am.  And, eventually, I know that everything coiled up, and hidden away, and covered with dust will uncoil and be brought to light and be made new again.

We were not meant to be defined by the work we do or the company we keep.  We were not meant to be defined by our cultural expectations or family ties.  

We are walking a path...to some it is very wide and to some it is narrow.  But wide is the path that leads to destruction and narrow is the path that leads to life.  And as we walk, we will all hear a voice among voices.  We will all hear a call to come nearer to God.  He is the one who created us.  He is the one who gives us definition.  And until we recognize Him as our beginning, we will wonder why we feel so lost."

"Come now, let us reason together,"
       says the LORD. 
       "Though your sins are like scarlet, 
       they shall be as white as snow; 
       though they are red as crimson, 
       they shall be like wool.
Isaiah 1:18

Wednesday, July 23

Not Forgotten


Kim and I sat at the Cracker Barrel tonight over tea and eggs with grits and toast, or in Kim's case, eggs with biscuits and gravy.  We tried to capture the last few weeks and months in the lyrics of a song.  It is very interesting to write a song with someone other than your own thoughts and feelings.  I felt as if I was getting to know my friend in a whole new way as well as allowing her to see the vulnerable side of me.  I don't why words cause me to feel so vulnerable...they are just words...but then again they reflect who I am and the experiences I am walking through.  It was a start, after all, it's what we came for.  We came to write.  It was our first collaboration in this new town.

When the food actually came to the table we set aside the writing and began to talk on other topics.  Of course, these topics included matters of the heart.  I told her of one of my recent conversations with the Lord about letting go.  It made me realize that I should write this all down.  

I have been afraid to let go.  I have been afraid to stop trying.  I have been afraid that if I just set it down that it would be forgotten.  And if forgotten by me, then also forgotten by God, forgotten by him.  Forgotten as if all of it never really mattered anyways...all of the memories together, all of the hopes for more, all of the prayers prayed, the laughing and inside jokes, the defining moments, the friendship.  And that's what so hard.  Because it mattered to me.  He mattered.  I wanted to see it through.  I wanted to see it turn around.

I could keep hoping.  I could keep holding on.  But it would leave me waiting by the phone.  It would leave me wanting more.  It would have me thinking that it all depended upon my ability to keep up.  It almost has a crippling effect as I try to make my way in a new city.  There are days when its perfect timing has been my comfort and then there are days where the lack of it has me going through withdrawals.  And there is nothing I can do to make it more.  I just know that I haven't wanted it to be any less.

So I have prayed that the Lord would give me wisdom... that He would show me His heart for me... that He would show me my own heart.  I have prayed that He would help me to let go.... despite what I have felt in my heart to be true, despite what I have hoped for, despite the fact that I don't want it all go to waste.  He writes down our words.  He keeps record of what we have told Him.  And so I have to trust Him...whether letting go means for good or whether it just means for now.  Letting go is letting go... resting in the unfailing love of a God who pays attention to our details.

I have noticed a change since this conversation with the Lord.  It doesn't hurt quite as much.  It doesn't seem quite as difficult.  I'm not waiting by the phone.  I'm asking the Lord about what's next... small glimmers of hope throughout the day.  I'm trusting Him, to hold every one of my concerns in His hands... to bring His good, to bring the truth, to bring me to the desires of my heart.

Saturday, July 19

Changes



I'm sitting here tonight trying to record a song for a friend of mine who happens to be laying her sister-in-law to rest this weekend.  I'm thinking about life.  I'm thinking about the fact that I am still alive and breathing.  I'm thinking about how good my life really is, how blessed I have been.  I have a family who loves me.  I live in a great city.  I have so many good friends.  I don't have a job but I have enough saved up and enough of an education to not have to worry about it right away.  The list goes on here.  I get to follow my dreams.  I get to run after what God has put in my heart to do.

What do I do with so much goodness?  I feel terribly indebted and almost guilty for having any of it.  I feel as if I should be doing so much more...

Which leads to this next observation I have made this week.  In all of the solitude and sleeping in and having no obligations whatsoever, I have realized how much of my identity has come from the things that I do.  Teacher, worship leader, friend, daughter, sister, songwriter...and so many other little things that fall along these lines.  I was getting up early, going to bed late, hardly had time for a nap...always going, going, going.  And then one day I got this incredible opportunity to move to TN.

And I no longer have a place to lead worship.  I don't even know if I will be able to get a teaching job.  My family lives far away.  I have two friends (wonderful friends) in this city who both have full time jobs.  So, I have been sleeping in...getting my finances and job hunting in order...doing laundry...writing...taking naps...playing my piano and guitar (a little bit)...reading...taking long drives through the country...listening to new music...going out dancing.

Do you know what I have realized?  All my security about who I am in God has gone out the window.  "Do I even know Him?" I keep asking myself.  Do I even know me?

What if everything that I was doing was just what I was doing in order to make it through the last season?  What if that wasn't really my heart?  It touched my heart, shaped it, molded it, disciplined it...etc.  But, here I am in this new season...and now what?

What if I don't get a teaching job?  Then, I am no longer a teacher.  I become someone totally different in the eyes of everyone I come into contact with.  That alone changes everything...not to mention all the other changes I am going through.

I am trying to put words to what I have been sensing in the past couple of weeks.  I just keep sensing that everything is changing and in more ways than I thought it would.  The only thing that will remain the same is that I can trust God...that I can hear His voice in my life...and that I will follow where He leads.

Thursday, July 17

No Place Like Home



What a lovely family. :)  We just got to spend a week together in Colorado.

We climbed mountains.
Jim found a really nice spot.
My lovely sister...whom we didn't get to see enough of. :)

Nothing like a good game of football.

We found a lot of rainbows.

Took lots of pictures.

And laughed.

I got to sing a song. :)

We watched fireworks from this balcony.

There was also dancing. :)
Let's just say we found our way around the kitchen...banana/blueberry pancakes, fruit pizza, chicken fajitas, sandwiches, steak...all with the help of Josh of course...who would have thought of grapefruit juice as a secret ingredient? :)

I could go on and on here.  It was a wonderful week.  I didn't want it to end.

Oh, by the way...these were the mountains that inspired the song..."Oh beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain, for purple mountain majesty above the fruited plain..America, America, God shed His grace on thee and crown thy good on brotherhood from sea to shining sea..."

A Colorful Day

This is how I spent my day.  Painting.  My room has become somewhat of a sanctuary...not quite captured on my little camera phone.  I listened to the sounds of Brooke Fraser and Dave Barnes as well as the happy little water drops trickling through my fountain.  Outside my window are trees almost close enough to touch.  The beautiful thing about these trees is that they are full of butterflies of many different sizes and colors.  The funny thing is that I sat there painting trees and thinking to myself..."I wish I had some trees to look at for reference."  It wasn't until I had started cleaning up my brushes for the day that I looked out my window and put two and two together. :)  They still turned out quite nicely for story book trees if I do say so myself.  

Wednesday, July 16

Deeper

I love this picture.
In a world of uncertainties, in a time of letting go, in the every day wonderings of who we are, this picture reminds me that God is with us all along the way.  If we could just stand on the mountaintop with Him every day.  If we could just enjoy the relationships He has given us.  If we would just trust Him to lead us to our hearts desire...He would.

This has been quite a week...a week of change, uncertainty, and even a bit of sadness.  It has been a week to slow down, to realize that I have been going about things all wrong.  I cannot exclude that in the midst of it all, there has been joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I feel deeper as if I have an understanding I did not have before.  I am thankful that the Lord knows what is going on.  I am thankful that He intervenes on our behalves.  I am thankful that He works all things together for good.  The only important thing is knowing Him, knowing that He loves us, and loving Him in return.  The only important thing is trust...even when, and mostly because, we cannot always see the answers.

If you have not yet read "The Shack" by William P. Young...you just might want to go and grab yourself a copy.  I couldn't put it down.

Tuesday, July 15

My Dad


I hope my dad knows how much I love him.  I hope he knows how important he really is.  I hope he knows that I listen when he gives advice...even when I don't like the advice...I listen.  I hope he knows that his words carry over into the heart and soul of who I am.  He is in the fabric of who I am.  I hope he knows that I wouldn't be where I am today without him.  I hope he knows that I want him to be in my life.  I hope he knows that he is important.

I wish he knew how influential he was.  I wish he knew that he could change the world.  I wish he knew that so many people look to him for guidance and acceptance.

I hope he knows that he is accepted.  I hope he knows that his children are blessed because of the way he led them through their growing years.

I don't even know my dad's email address.  And tonight, I wish I did.  I don't know how often he even checks, or if he would even be able to this week.  I just wish I could tell him this very minute.

My dad taught me that I was important.  He taught me that I should be excellent in what I do. My dad taught me how to be humble.  He taught me a lot about when to talk and when to listen.  My dad taught me how to be quiet.  He taught me how to laugh out loud about the smallest details.  My dad taught me how to appreciate the beauty of the world.  And even though he has no desire to travel beyond the borders of our country... his influence has somehow given me dreams of soaring beyond them.  My dad taught me how to get right to the point and get things done.  He taught me how to make a deal and when to walk away from one. He taught me how to forgive and how to keep loving even when it hurts.  My dad taught me about worship.  He taught me about music and song.  He taught me how to drive nails into walls and floors, how to scrape paint and put up new colors.  He taught me about foundations and the power of a dream.  He taught me about how not to get lost in the great outdoors.  The list goes on.

My dad tells me that I am beautiful and because of that I don't worry about others opinions.  I just think about the times he has told me..and I believe it.  My dad tells me that there is a future hope...that he believes it with all of his heart.  His belief makes me believe.  My dad tells me that the songs I sing minister to his heart...and it makes me sing stronger.  My dad helps me make my way in the world, and even when I make decisions on my own, he is right there with me.

I love my dad.
I hope he knows.
I hope I keep getting the chance to tell him over and over again.

Friday, July 11

First Night on the Town

Tonight was quite a night.  My friends were coming through town to play a show.  So, of course, I wanted to go see them.  But this was the first time I would see them in Nashville.  And since I have only been here for two weeks, I didn't have a whole lot of people to invite to come with me.  I'd have to venture out on my own for the evening.

So the adventure began.  I wasn't quite sure what part of the city I would be driving into but I was delightfully surprised to see well lit streets and not a whole lot of traffic.  The club was right out front and after three u-turns, two parking lot turn arounds, and once around the block I found a safe, secure, not out-of-the-way spot right across the street.  As I walked to the door I was glad I had decided to wear my gold shoes...they fit in way better with the crowd.  The band started playing a few minutes after I stepped inside.  It was a great show.  Just when I think these guys are awesome...they get even better.  Their music is a perfect blend of electronic sound.  It creates an atmosphere that is so loud you can hear the quietness of God in its midst.  I love its driving force and I love to be surprised at the elements they add to each song.  It's good stuff. :)

Being alone in a club is an interesting feeling.  Awkward is the word that comes to mind, but tonight, I embraced the awkwardness, taking in the dimly lit room and the people who live, breathe, and sing in this city they call home.  Afterwards, I waited around a bit and talked to the guys.  What amazes me is how God knew years ago that they would be an encouragement in the journey that I would take.  I had no idea.  I wonder if we ever have an idea about what God is up to until all of a sudden it happens.  I walked away from tonight feeling even more like I had big brothers along the way to my dreams.  I walked away feeling like maybe I could be brave enough to sing to this town.  I drove home feeling like a bird let out of its cage, excited at the prospect of the coming days....ready to work on these songs, ready to write down more, ready to listen.  I've been dreaming of the day I would be set down here, ready to run.  It's happening...

PS - a small bit of wisdom handed down from a homeless man through the lead singer tonight:  "You will make it because you listen to your own music and because you do not look down on anyone around you."  I like that wisdom...I think I will carry it with me too.

Wednesday, July 9

Solitude

This new apartment is so quiet.  Aside from the ticking clock, the hum of my computer, and the bugs outside...nothing...not a sound.

I was excited about these moments...late nights without any responsibilities lurking in the day ahead.  I was excited for the silence so that I could write and think and paint and who knows what else.  But tonight, I feel like a stranger to the silence, as if we must become reacquainted with one another.

It was hard to write tonight, to play anything for that matter.  All I could think about was how much I wished I could get in my car and go meet up with someone.  But for the moment, those days are passed.  I have two friends in this city and both have gone to bed.

I think we often define ourselves by who we know, by the circumstances we find ourselves in, by the company we keep.  And when we are moved from familiar places and the comfort of people, the real truth must come out in one fashion or another.  I am finding out who I am all over again.

In two weeks time, I can tell who and what meant a lot to me.  I can tell what I had really hoped for.  I can tell what I miss.  I can tell what I will not miss.  In two weeks time, I see that I was not all that I am meant to be.  I can tell that there is more.

I cannot go back.  I can only move forward.  And for now that looks a bit lonely...it looks as if I'll be making friends with the silence all over again.

But there is joy in the solitude of these days.  Solitude is a rare find in our ambitious world.  I only hope I can embrace it in the face of finding my place in this brand new city, in the face of rediscovering who I am in the Lord.  I forget sometimes that He is the only constant.  I forget sometimes that we are walking together through all of this.  It's Him and I...not just I.  And He defines everything, just as it should be.

I just keep thinking, "If only I could hear His plans, if only I could see the faces He will put along my path, if only I knew."  But that's the beauty of it, I suppose, finding Him all along the way.  

If only I could hear Him amidst the roar of this solitude.

Until I believe...

Romance my heart
Reach in to the deepest parts
Pull out the laughter
the adventure of breathing in the sunrise
of running through the moonlight
of feeling the wind on our faces
Romance my heart
Do not leave me in the silence of my own thoughts
Do not leave me wondering if there will ever be joy again
Because there was a time when I believed 
that love would come and sweep me off of my feet
there was a time when I believed that I would not be able to outrun
the affections of another
Romance my heart
show me that you know who I am
show me that you love who I am
ask me to come with you
ask me to hold your hand
come after me and do not let me go
Breath my name until I can't help but hear the whispers of your great love for me
Romance my heart
Bring me back to life again.

Tuesday, July 8

A Trip to the Zoo


My sister has always avoided zoos, and for good reason.  She can't stand to see these wild and beautiful creatures live their lives in the confines of gates, walls, and windows.  I never really minded it I guess.  I always thought it was nice to see the world up close and personal without having to travel too far.  

Their surroundings look real to us...maybe even to them.  I am sure that the crowds of people at some point become common place.  I suppose that they get used to being fed every day at a certain time, that they do not even mind not having to go on a hunt to capture what they need in order to survive.

Today I walked through the Nashville zoo.  I have been to so many zoos across America.  This one is just about the same. Although I have never seen a bamboo forest and was pleasantly surprised at its beauty.  But as I walked I began to look into the eyes of some of these animals...some were quite close to where we stood.  The monkeys looked contented and happy to be where they were swinging from tree to tree.  The meerkats were concerned with each other and curious enough I think to enjoy the groups of people who would come up to their exhibit.  But there were a few animals that stood still and looked right at you.  They had some kind of question in their eyes I thought.  And the question that came to my mind was, "Is there more?"

Imagine living in the limelight of other people's attention every day.  Imagine having all your basic needs met without having to lift a finger.  Imagine a door from another world opens at certain times exposing the fact that the grass could be greener on the other side.  Would it lead to satisfaction and contentment?  Would an adventuresome sort of spirit ever rise up from somewhere deep inside?  Do animals have an instinct to set out into the great unknown?  Or did I let my own desire for breaking out have an impact on how I viewed these creatures?

I enjoyed seeing animals today.  But I could not get the question out of my mind.  And I wanted to tell them, "Yes, there's more".  But then what?  How could one calmly live in a zoo, knowing that freedom was just beyond those doors?

And I wonder how many humans live in this sort of conundrum day in and day out.  Knowing there is more...hoping there is more...but unable to find a way out.  On the other hand, I wonder how many people live without knowing that there is freedom beyond the surroundings that they live in?

Well, that was my trip to the zoo today.  Could be I was out in the sun for way too long. :)  But these are thoughts that ran through my head.

Monday, July 7

To Teach or Not to Teach

This is the question that hangs over my head since leaving Florida.  It is the question I am asked daily.  Will you teach when you get to Nashville?

I cannot go anywhere without talking to kids lately.  They say hello to me at the grocery store, in parking lots, in restaurants, and they seem to find me when they are lost and cannot find their parents (this happened twice this week).  Everywhere I go, it seems that kids are going out of their way to get my attention.  It's weird.  But in a way it has made me miss teaching.  I am going to miss my little classroom.  I am going to miss those little faces looking up at me every day.  I already do.

But teaching consumes my life.  It's a big job full of bureaucratic tendencies and deadlines.  It is work brought home, early mornings, late nights.  It is extra projects and money spent.  It is less time spent on the music and writing I so long to pursue.

But teaching means I can, if I so choose, leave the work day at 3pm.  It means holidays and paid vacation time.  It means time with children every day, which is one of my most favorite things in the world.  It means I still get to learn and take in the world with wonder.  It means I get at least 15 minutes of fresh air and recess per day.  It means a lot of really great things I have grown to love.

I need a lot of space and light and laughter.  I need the chance to create and to care for little ones.  I need to be able to share what I have learned.  I want to know that I have job security and health insurance and all of those basic things.

I came here to be in the songwriting community.  But in the mean time how do I survive?  Tomorrow begins a brand new day...a day where I will search for my place among the breadwinners of the city.

Help, Lord! :)