Saying goodbye is not easy...only inevitable. And as much as you prepare for those final moments, they can still bring with them unexpected intensity. I helped a friend clean their apartment tonight as they packed to leave for a new city. This is one of the last friends to pack up from T-town and leave for life beyond the towers. It is the end of a season; I'm not sure that I want it to end.

I am so thankful for the friendships that God has given me. Each one is precious and each one has taught me something different about life. This friend in particular has, without knowing, pushed me to want better things for my life. They have passed on confidence, and laughter, and perspective that I did not have before. I am truly grateful. I will look back on this season and remember how friendships can grow in the most unlikely of places. If I had remained ignorant and afraid, I would not have known the joy and the comfort of this friend. Instead, I have been challenged and enlightened. I have learned about someone else and I have matured in the way I walk through relationships.

I don't want to let go! But if there is anything I have learned in all my years of moving and starting over it is that letting go is one of the most important keys to life. Letting go enables us to move on. Letting go inspires change and growth. It causes us to know more than we knew before. It gives us the chance to go beyond where we thought the limits once were.

And so, dear friend, thank you for your time and for your friendship. I wish you well and I pray that you perceive and embrace the abundance and the love of God that covers your life.

"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land."

~Song of Solomon 2:10-12~

I walked in a snow covered garden today and passed by a bench with this inscription. Maybe it was the moment, maybe it was the culmination of many days before, but it spoke to my heart. These are the words I have longed to hear and did not even know it until they were right in front of me.

At the suggestion of my friend Bethany, I have decided to reflect this morning on the things that I am thankful for. Here they are in no certain order.

sleeping in on Saturday mornings
fall leaves
the smell of spring
the smell of fall
the smell of the ocean
the smell of dryer sheets
my brother Joshua
my sister Alyssa
loving parents
listening to Dad play the piano
mom on the other end of the phone at any given time of day
the comfort of my bed (lots of cushion)
candles
Starbucks' chai lattes
my roomate Jilli
Sunday afternoons spent with Jilli at Starbucks contemplating God and life
the pier at Charlotte Beach
mint chocolate chip ice cream
kindergarteners
my guitar
my laptop
the sound of a piano
the sound of morning doves
quiet moments of worship
being home with friends who break out the worship music at any moment
"the farm" (where I grew up)
road trips
orchids
Christmas trees
my goldfish (Swish)
my friend Maria (who continues to show me how love changes things)
Angela (who has shown me the gift of giving)
Zoe (who's friendship has proven to be a treasure)
large bodies of water
mountain ranges
cuddling up in the afghan mom made for me
a friendly volleyball game
the green bench in the middle of ORU prayer gardens
the Krug family who has taken me in as one of their own
Cracker Barrel restaurants
sweet ice tea
shoes
Chi flat irons
dark chocolate
email
handwritten letters
surprise packages
clean laundry
long walks
untouched patches of snow
my friends in Rochester who love God and who continue to encourage me to seek after the Lord
friends here in Tulsa who make sure that I am well taken care of

Wow, I could go on and on here...but these are off the top of my head. Good call, Bethany. We are blessed. This is only skimming the surface. Think of all the times "I was this close to..." or "just when I thought..." or "I never thought..." or "All of a sudden..." and on and on. The story of our lives is orchestrated so beautifully. Who wants to go through the valley? Who volunteers to feel hurt and disappointment? But without the pain, we would not feel the fullness of the beauty or the blessing. God will bring us through. He alone is our hope and our security.

You have lead me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On my back, bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that is Yours

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Jars of Clay

One of the little boys in my class (we'll call him Stuart) lost his rock today. By the sound of his crying you would have thought that he had lost something much more important. Another boy had found the rock just minutes before, picked it up, and then threw it into the grassy field next to our school building as we walked from the computer lab back to our outdoor classroom.

It was one of those dramatic moments where there was only one me with two places to be at once. My whole class had already gone inside while Stuart stood alone outside on the verge of a meltdown over his lost rock. Now Stuart is not one to come when called. It takes a lot of convincing. He would not take the hand of his friends who tried to coax him back to the classroom. He would not respond to my teacher words such as "Stuart if you don't get up here now..." I could not leave my class alone and yet I could not leave him alone outside either. Finally, and I'm not sure why, he crossed the hundred yards back to where I was standing, still crying and still very much wanting to look for his rock.

In order to calm him down, I promised him that we would all go look for the rock later. When he explained what his rock looked like, so we could be sure to find the right rock, he told us that it was the one that looked like a rhinoceros' skin. Wow, maybe it really was special.

As I think about all of this, I am remembering another dramatic moment in our classroom about a week ago. It was the day that I learned hot glue really can reassemble an oyster shell. It was Stuart again, seems his backpack had been through a brutal foot stomping exercise. And inside was a shell that he had brought to show and tell for the past three weeks. Stuart found out that he had good friends that day. I would have thrown the broken remains of the shell away. Three girls in the classroom came to the rescue and pretended they were doing a puzzle. Aterwards, they asked me for the hot glue gun. Wow, my kindergarteners are smart.

Shells and rocks...treasures worth keeping with you all day long, special enough to cry over when lost, truthful enough to show you friends. Simplicity. Lord, give me understanding of such things.

Can I just say that I love 70 degree weather in the middle of January? Summer is on the brink and the thought of winter is almost a forgotten memory. Every day for the past week, we have been outside for recess without coats! This is one reason not to leave Tulsa. To those of you on the east coast, I do not miss the snow part of you. I am sure that if you were here you would feel the same.

"But that seems to be my life recently."

I keep saying this to myself when I look around and see the need for change. How long has it been this way? I'm not quite sure. But, for real, it is time to set some things in order.

Admittedly, it has been almost two weeks since I've picked up my guitar. Poor girl she needs more practice. So I picked her up tonight and I couldn't remember how to play this new arrangement of Breathe. "Argghh," I thought, "I'll have to go to my lesson again without being an expert at the homework I was given to work on." But was that really the point of starting my lessons? Was it to impress some instructor who sees me for thirty minutes a week? No. So I am questioning this lack of playing. Am I too busy? Am I preoccupied? Do I really love to play as much as I think I do?

In addition, I am quite unsatisfied with how a lot of things are running at the moment. I thrive on organization, but I cannot seem to get organized. There is clutter here and piles there. There are dirty dishes in my car and school books on my bedroom floor. My classroom is slightly better, but it is not the picture of perfection that lives inside of my head. I used to chalk this up to my free spirited personality, but it's starting to drive me nuts.

My days often turn out dull and unfulfilled. Lack of discipline could be at the root of this...sad but true. Sometimes, I feel as if this great cloud blocks my view of what's really going on. I have looked away from the things that are truly important and have forgotten the joy and the fullness that they bring to my life...the guitar being only one example. Maybe it is this admittance that is the first step. Maybe. I think I know though. It's really that I have neglected the One who brings true life. Well, not totally, but yes a whole lot. In all of my hurt over the past year, I found a new side to this walk of faith. It is foreign and requires strength I'm not sure I have yet.

Without fear of reproach or rejection

You have called me to walk by your side

Duty does not raise its voice

And others who threw rocks of guilt and shame

have been silenced by their own misery

This new understanding breathes life

Lord, raise my eyes to yours

smile and say my name

Hold my hand and steady my pace

as my feet walk the path once again.

Silence takes the place of my words. It is good to be quiet, and better not to read between the lines.

Tonight was a good night for reflecting. The weather was clear, I was in my car, and the long drive seemed a good mix with Shane Bernard kicking out some Psalms. Two main things were on my mind. The first, being the issue of where in the world I should go. The second, being an issue of seeing love in a whole new light.

To start with the first, I have say that I am blessed to even have the option of going anywhere in the world to live my life. I mean, I really could. I could teach overseas, I could teach in the city, I could teach in the country. I could live in any state, apply at any school. It's almost overwhelming. So, I am really contemplating the places that stick out most to me and these are it in no certain order:

1. I could stay in Tulsa. I already have a great job, an amazing church, the only aerobics instructor who has ever succeeded in motivating me to work out :) , some good friends (who at any time can and probably will move away at some point).

2. I could move back home to NY. The last time I was at home I felt as if I belonged again. It felt so good. There was purpose in my visit. I felt connected with my close friends (who seem pretty committed to staying in the area). I also felt close to God. My family is there and I miss them. Of course, they could be moving soon too.

3. My roomate is convinced that Cali is the place to be. And, oh, how I wish that I was as convinced as her. I love southern Cali. The weather is beautiful, the landscape is gorgeous, the people are pretty laid back, and the shopping is great!

4. Nashville, TN. I know nothing about this place. I do not know anyone there. It just sounds like a fresh start. I find it worth considering.

So these are my options. On any given day I lean towards one or the other. Each has its own experiences to bring to the table. Each has its own package of "unknown fears" to keep me from going too far in my consideration. I find myself asking, "God, which one would You choose?" I want to set down roots. I want to belong in a place and know my purpose in being there. I want to grow in my calling and be fruitful. Some would say you could do that anywhere, and yes, I agree you could. I just want to know where my "anywhere" is.

So on to the next contemplation, as if this entry isn't already long enough. I was thinking tonight about a good friend of mine. Our friendship started out a bit rocky but somehow we remained friends and have now known each other for about 2 years. In the beginning, and even up until a few months ago, I would have brushed him aside as just some guy wanting my attention. But all of a sudden I realized that he has been my FRIEND. In the midst of me trying to "play it safe" and not give too much of myself into the relationship, I did not realize how valuable he was. He has always gone out of his way to make sure I was well taken care of...whether it was buffing scratches off of my car or helping to dry my tears after returning the kitten I couldn't keep. Of course, just recently, a lot has changed in our relationship. For awhile, I was the one who received all of his attention (at least that's how I felt). Now, the reality of moving on has set in. He is seeing someone else. And I miss him, really miss him. Now do not read between the lines here. I'm not in love with this guy. I have always known that we could only be friends. He is not the one for me. That being said, I now admit that he has taught me how to be a better friend. He has taught me how to love in a way that I haven't known before. B/c he never asked for anything in return. He just constantly gave of himself and never held it over my head. He gave me what I could not give him. And standing on the other side of all of this, I realize what a gift I have been given. And I can't even hold onto to it. I have to let it go. But it is love just the same, and its a beautiful thing.

Word of the Week

(dictionary.com)

Fullness

Containing all that is normal or possible.
Complete in every particular.
Being at the peak of development or maturity.
Totally qualified, accepted, or empowered.
Having an appetite completely satisfied.
Providing an abundance.
Having depth and body.
The maximum or complete size or amount.
The highest degree or state.

1: completeness over a broad scope [syn: comprehensiveness]

2: the property of a sound that has a rich and pleasing timbre [syn: mellowness, richness]

3: the condition of being filled to capacity

4: greatness of volume [syn: voluminosity, voluminousness]

Okay, so maybe I went a little overboard on the definition of this word. I like to do the occassional word search. Fullness has been bouncing around for the last couple of weeks. I've been thinking about how much I want to walk in this state of being at all times. God promises that with Him we will walk in fullness. He promises that we will lack for no good thing, and that our hearts will be satisfied. I know that I have not reached this place yet. But I long for it. I long to be out of debt. I long to be settled and living out my life with purpose. I long to live in abundance taking care of my own matters while always being able to give towards the needs around me. I long to be able to truly say, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." I long to be able to really believe it and share it's substance with those around me.

I am beginning to see the change. I am beginning to see the details unfold in my life. Even in my kindergarten classroom the learning and ideas are coming together. I am on the verge of not only treading water but actually swimming to safety. Step by step, moment by moment life is coming back.

For this reason

I bow my knees

to the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ...

that He would grant you,

according to the riches of His glory,

to be strengthened with might

through His Spirit

in the inner man,

that Christ may dwell in your hearts

through faith;

that you,

being rooted and grounded in love,

may be able to comprehend

with all the saints

what is the width and length and depth and height-

to know the love of Christ

which passes knowledge;

that you may be filled

with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19

My prayer for the new year... to walk confidently with God and to be settled. He draws me back. I want to know HIM. I want those around me to know HIM. And forget the religous red tape, forget it. My struggle this past year has had a lot to do with questions about the heart of God. And truly, He has been faithful even as I have become faithless. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that He makes the crooked places straight. I am thankful that He is who He said He is and that He is patient with me in my search.

Over New Year's I celebrated with a new crowd of people in Baltimore, MD. I was not at church, I was not among Christian friends. I was out in the world with people who were living their lives the best they knew how without the hope that God loved them. And I loved being there. And I asked God, "God, how do you reach these people?" Because within the past few months, even I, with strong roots in Christianity, with a heart towards God, had cause to doubt that this life of faith might be for me. How do you reach a generation of kids who live from hearts that have been hurt and broken and hardened. How in the world do you reach out and give them hope? They commune together in bars and in clubs, they reach for empty, broken, unfulfilling relationships, they listen to driving music that asks the questions but gives no answers. They are driven to succeed, to fill their emptiness with money, power, alcohol, drugs, sex, things, as if somehow the American dream will lead them to peace, to the place they long for but cannot describe. Some do not even know they have need of Him. He is a comfort but He is not their life. A few times, I caught the eyes of this one guy that night. And whenever he was looking at me it was as if he was asking a question. He had a girlfriend, and I was there with his friend so it was not a romantic question. It was as if his heart recognized the Spirit of God. It was as if some sort of exchange was going on that had no need of words. I wonder if he even knew, but I trust that someday he will "know".

O God, show me the way and help me to show others Your way.

..Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
and in the hidden part You will me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice...

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.

Then I will teach trangressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You....

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Psalm 51

Psalm 65

Praise is awaiting you, O God in Zion;

And to You the vow shall be performed.

O You who hear prayer,

To You all flesh will come.

Iniquities prevail against me;

As for our transgressions,

You will provide atonement for them.

Blessed is the man you choose,

And cause to approach You,

That he may dwell in Your courts.

We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,

Of Your holy temple.

By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us,

O God of our salvation,

You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth,

And of the far-off seas;

Who established the mountains by His strength,

Being clothed with pwer;

You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples.

They also who dwell in the farthest parts are afraid of your signs;

You make the outgoings of the morning and evening rejoice.

You visit the earth and water it,

You greatly enrich it;

The river of God is full of water;

You provide their grain,

For so You have prepared it.

You water its ridges abundantly,

You settle its furrows;

You make it soft with showers,

You bless its growth.

You crown the year with Your goodness,

And Your paths drip with abundance.

They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,

And the little hills rejoice on every side.

The pastures are clothed with flocks;

The valleys also are covered with grain;

They shout for joy, they also sing.

Two weeks of vacation flew right by and yet, coming back to this place, I feel like I have been gone for a long time. It's just not the same. I'm not the same.

A new layer in my heart is unfolding, preparing itself to be dealt with. Relationships and friendships are beginning to take different shapes and move around a bit. Because of this, I am feeling insecure and almost hopeless that someday I will find that friend who won't go away. But seriously, at some point, we all go away. And when it comes to that point in our lives where we have to stand with no one else around, how do we deal with that heart wrenching fear of being alone? I hate it, I hate being alone. I've been hiding that simple truth for quite some time. There have been circumstances to distract me...prospects for relationships, the promise of a road trip, busy life stuff. I find it staring me in the face this week. The friends I have counted on are turning their own ways. We are just at that point in life, the point of choosing a road and walking down it without looking back.

Pondering all of this, I remembered how I had connected with Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride. Every relationship she entered into defined who she was, right down to how she liked her eggs cooked for breakfast. Now, I do not claim to be that dependent on another for my opinions. However, I am looking at my past relationships...the fact that I have never dated a Christian, the fact that I have allowed myself to be the victim, the fact that I have compromised my heart time and time again. I want so badly to be accepted for who I am. I want so badly to know that when it comes down to the minute details the other person will not choose to walk away. I want it so badly that I override what I am wanting most of all in order to let the other person know that I love them and accept them, no strings attached. And what happens? We miss one another. He still walks away. And I am left here wondering, who AM I? The memories, the places, the songs, the details...they all follow me, getter under my skin, cause me more grief than when I started.

How in the world do people find one another? How does this love thing work? How do I know what's worth fighting for and what I need to leave behind? I hate leaving those I love behind; I hate being left by them. Ugh.