Two seconds into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I could see myself driving away in my overpacked car, windows down, narrator speaking in the background of what lay behind and what lay ahead...kind of like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could finally see it. The thing I had longed for, and lost track of, and gained back, and wished would take it's time. I could see the point of letting go, once again facing the open road, and starting a new chapter. The song continued to play and I realized that I was in the middle of close friends, celebrating a wedding. I tucked the picture into the back of my mind and tuned in to the vows being shared.
I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.
This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.
This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.
The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.
Monday, March 31
Thursday, March 27
Sunday, March 16
Questions and Answers
So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
Saturday, March 15
It Won't Be Long...
Won't be long and I will wake up to the sounds of a new city.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Monday, March 3
Reflection
Classic Reflections on Easter
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
I Sure Would Like to Know...
I spent the weekend mostly in the comfort of my apartment...sleeping in, taking naps...playing my guitar...emailing...washing sheets and towels...yeah, that's about it. There are times to be running all over the city, chasing friends, chasing excitement...and there are times to be still and quiet. This weekend was definitely meant for stillness and quietness.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
Sunday, March 2
Famous Dreams
I keep having dreams about famous people. Billy and Franklin Graham have been in my dreams more than once. I have also met two big name musicians and have asked them about songwriting and performing. In all the dreams I am searching and asking questions that they seem to have answers to. The only one that asked me questions was Donald Trump, he wanted me to go into business with him. Interesting...
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