Revival in Florida

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On Keeping a Promise

My friend Kate recently told me about her grandparents who met in England during World War II. Her Grandpa was an American soldier, her grandmother a girl who lived in Great Britain. They fell in love, got married and planned for her to meet him 6 months later in America. There were no phone calls during those 6 months, no letters, no visits. She had to leave behind everything she knew, leave her family. And yet, she went because she trusted that he would meet her on the other side...that he would take care of her, love her for the rest of her life. And decades later, up until the time his body would no longer allow him to do so, he would still bring her tea in bed every morning. He took care of her. Kept his promise.

This story seems so foreign to me...so romantic...so...well, just as I always wished it would be. But it's hard for me to think it could happen in my own life. I change my mind like the wind. One day I feel a certain way and the next I am the opposite. And I know I'm not the only one.

A man I once loved promised to never leave...but he did, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My dad promised me a doll house, but it just never happened. He's an awesome dad, loves me so much, has gone out of his way for me hundreds of times...he just didn't find the time to build the dollhouse I wanted as a little girl. I don't hold that against him. I look around me and I see others who have hoped for more and have not found it. I look at today's politics, the divorce rate, the failures of high profile religious figures, the highly publicized broken relationships of Hollywood, the thousands of children in foster care, crowded jail cells, not to mention the modern art and craft of marketing and making a sale. People's words hold less and less value in this day and age. And truthfully, I think I have just learned to adapt. I have learned how to live without someone keeping their word...to act satisfied in spite of disappointment...to act as if I didn't really need the promise yet anyways. The promise just keeps moving one step ahead of me...leading me in it's direction, causing me to walk carefully, but never making good on what I hoped it would be. And I have wondered over and over...Will I really see it come to pass? I have so often lived in the fear of carrying false hope.

That's where I was in the car this morning. I realized that I don't believe God loves me as much as He says He does. I realized how afraid I have been that He is ready to put me out of the house. I have been afraid that I am not enough in His eyes. I have felt as if I have not been trying hard enough, working long enough, setting my heart in the right place, longing for the right things, loving the way I should be. The list goes on and on about how much I have messed up. Sure, He loves others unconditionally. But for me, it seems so much more has been required...for me somehow, I am not allowed to mess up. Because if I do mess up, then surely I would be a disappointment to Him. I would miss out on all that He has for me. I would miss out on what He has promised for my life.

I think I have reacted this way to people too. So often I have been afraid that one wrong move would mean a broken relationship or some kind of rejection.

And, in addition, if I change my mind so often, surely others do too. Surely their opinion one day might not be their opinion the next. And, therefore, how can I trust what they said to me the day before?

But God is not a man that He should lie. God's promises are yes and amen. God is working all things together for our good. God is patient with us. God is going to complete the good work that He has begun in us. God knows the plans He has for us...plans to give us a hope and a future. God wrote a book about each of our lives...He loved us before we ever knew about Him.

And Romans 5 talks about the very fact that we are unable to ever be good enough to earn the love of God. God knew this. God's plan all along was to redeem us from our own depravity. So He sent Jesus to die in our place. Because of Jesus, we never have to feel unworthy or unable to meet His expectations. He loves us...period. He is working on our behalf...period.

In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years for God's promise of a son. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years before they saw their promised land. Joseph received a promise from God when he was a teenager that did not come to pass until he was 30. David was anointed as king at a young age but he did not get to the throne until he was about 30 either. They walked through testing and trials along the way. There were days when they did not think they would make it...days when they questioned whether they heard correctly from the Lord...days when they probably questioned whether they had missed what God said all together. But God followed through. The promises did come to pass. Those days of waiting didn't mean that God didn't love them, or that He was waiting for them to get it together and make it happen for themselves. God had a plan. He had a plan that would cause their hearts to turn to Him, to be prepared...so that when the perfect time came, He could open the door and they would be ready and able to walk in the promise.

I am 28 years old and I am only now just realizing that God doesn't change His mind. When He says something, He means it. When He makes a promise, He will follow through. When He says He loves me, that will never change. When He says He will never leave me, He won't. When He says He is going to bless my life, He will. I don't have to worry about messing up. He'll take care of it. I don't have to worry about making a wrong move. He's working all things together for my good. He doesn't change His mind about me.

I'll probably keep coming back to read this blog post. I'll probably write more about it too. It is time to change my mind about a few things. It is time to stop being afraid of God's disappointment and punishment...time to start trusting in His great love for me. Maybe then, I'll be at rest a little more. Maybe then, I'll be able to run more freely in this great grace He has given to all of us. Maybe, I'll become someone who follows through and keeps my word. Maybe, I'll find others who want to do the same.

So, what do you think?

With God on our side like this, how can we lose?

If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?

And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
---Romans 8:31-39---The Message

Day 5 - Going To Stay

If you're reading this mom, please know that I'd like to be sitting with you and dad tonight eating scrambled eggs and grits. It sounds very comforting. If you're anyone else reading this, please know that I'd also like to be putting together new furniture and painting walls and just hanging out for no reason at all. I'm looking forward to hugging my kids on Monday. I can't wait to get back into the quiet little studio on Edgewood. I want to finish what I started there.

We drove all over Nashville today looking for a new place to live. I love going inside new homes and looking at floorplans and interior designs. The three of us made a good team, picking up where each left off. I know we'll make it here together when the time comes. At the end of the day, we still don't have a place yet, but I'm not too worried.

I feel like I'm in a whole new world. The people are different, the atmosphere is different...I am different. I didn't realize that middle Tennessee would be a culture shock...and it probably wouldn't seem so much if I was just a tourist coming through. It's just the knowing that I'll be here in 8 weeks and this will be home feeling that keeps me from running through the streets as if they'll never see me again.

I think I'd like to buy a good camera when I get here. I want to start taking pictures. I'd also like to start taking more walks, there's a lot to see. I'd like to buy a new hat or two. I don't know if I want to teach. I want to see what happens if I do something different. I want to write more. Maybe I'll start my book soon. I am realizing that even though I have been blessed with many relationships and friends, there's a difference between the ones who stay and the ones who go. For this reason, I wish I could stay. But I know I can't...because if I did, I wouldn't be the same girl...I have no choice but to choose what God has put in my heart to do.

And that's what all of this boils down to. I have to step out of the boat now. I have to walk towards the voice that speaks to the depths of my heart. I have to trust that this voice will lead me to my heart's desire. I am going, to stay on the path that has been set before me.

Day 4 - What to Do With Freedom

We stood on Trevecca's campus looking at the lighted skyline of the city. "Am I allowed to say that I have come here to be a songwriter?", I asked Kim. Every time she had been asked about her reasons for being here, her response has been that she is following her dreams. But I have been afraid of sounding starry eyed. I have been afraid of sounding presumptious. I have been afraid that someone would look at me as if I didn't have a right to enter this music city.

Can I really come here to be a songwriter? Can I really come here and take the time to develop the art that continues to grow inside of my heart? Can I afford to leave practicality for awhile? Can I afford to let go of the my identity as a teacher? Can I really step out of the boat and pursue something outside of my box? I have longed for a day when I would have the choice to do anything, be anything, pursue anything. And now the day is here, and I don't know what to do with freedom.

"Kim," I said, "we are free." And we are...we don't have time limits or dependents. We have dreams and talents, and just enough faith and curiosity to see where these things will take us. I have had just enough life experience to not be afraid of maps and new places, unknown circumstances and unmet needs. But not enough I suppose to really know how to live when presented with the gift of a fresh new start. So my prayer now is, God show me what to do at the beginning, show me what you have put in my heart to do, give me the faith to pursue what I have not known how to pursue before, and stay close to me, provide for me, keep me from holding on to anything less than freedom.

Day 3 - Where the Heart Is

We woke to sound of housekeeping knocking on our door, mumbling something of a surprise that we had gotten here "early". The truth is that we were on time but had slept in the wrong rooms the night before. It all got straightened out...well, that is, until tonight when we got home and found ourselves locked out of our room...but all is well now...

We spent the first hour of the morning looking for breakfast...by the time we decided where to go it was lunchtime as well, so we opted for something in between.

We descended upon the town of Franklin, about 20 minutes from downtown. The busy storefronts with cafe's, businesses, and vintage shops very much reminded me of the small towns of NY...only with a southern flare and a busier thoroughfare. Franklin is the town many of Nashville's big names call home. I swear I saw Carrie Underwood walking down the street, but Kim, after being at a recent concert, disagrees with my opinion. For the big names it holds, however, the town is quaint and friendly and very peaceful. We found the cafe' we were looking for and settled in on something to eat.

Halfway through our meal, two lawyers joined the end of our six person table. They were so friendly that within about 15 minutes, we had houses to look at, a contact to speak to at the board of education, a business card, and the name of a realtor....not to mention we got to hear a few great stories and had some good laughs. We spent the rest of the day following their leads.

Then tonight, we met up with Ruby who only moved here two months ago. She spoke of her experiences thus far and I'd have to say that the two things I carry from the conversation were these: that Nasvhille is a place of nurturing and also not to be afraid to be who we are even among so many great musicians.

I needed to hear her say these two things. I needed to hear someone tell me, "Who cares how good they are? You do what is in your heart to do...and do it well." I needed to know that this was a place where I would be able to grow and not shrink from what is in my heart to do.

Thus far, I have been pretty unemotional on the trip. In fact, I have felt more serious than excited. I am listening to my friends go through what they are experiencing. I am soaking in these surroundings, slightly familiar and yet so unknown. I am taking in information, trying to sort through plans and leads. I am reading maps and looking at street signs. I am waiting, wondering, and hoping for divine appointments. In the midst of all of this, I am missing my dear friends in Jacksonville already. I can't wait to get back to their comfort and yet I know that soon, I will not have the hope of returning to them. It makes me sad.

I listened to Kim all the way back to the city tonight, after leaving Ruby. I listened to her speak the same concerns and desires I felt in my own heart. I listened and felt only a knowing. A knowing, yet an inability to do a thing to make it all better or clearer at the moment. A knowing, but not an emotion...and I wondered where my heart was at in all of this. Was it here yet? Was it hiding? Where will my place be in the midst of Nashville?

And then I saw the skyline of this blessed city. Nashville, pegged as "the city of broken dreams", but I am calling it the city of dreams fulfilled. My dreams were broken and mended before I ever arrived here and I am sure they will be tested and tried and deepened in the days to come. I only know this...that a dream is coming to pass as I arrive in this place...a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.

We took a wrong turn and ended up on the strip...we rolled down the windows and I could hear the dreams come alive. Doorways were crowded with onlookers paying to hear the bands inside. In every direction a different song was being lifted up and yet it sounded like a heavenly blend of merriment and life. People walking through the lights and darkness, cars pulling in and out of spaces, music everywhere. And I wanted to be in the midst of it all. I wanted to open up my car door and step out to hear the dreams of this place. I wanted to hear the stories of the people who had come, people who were making journeys just like me. That is when my eyes lit up with tears and something inside of me leaped up and said "yes". Tonight, I wanted to be where the people were, sharing my story and hearing theirs. I wanted to hear the songs that called out for others to come in. I wanted to write and sing the songs that will one day do the same.

Tomorrow we will see more. Tomorrow night I will walk down this street of dreams for the first time. God show me the way.

Day 2 - The Open Road

We were actually ready by 9am, our projected time of departure. Kim made us french toast for breakfast, we packed up the car, and prayed over our day before heading out. Kansas City's skies were overcast and gray and the air was cold. But the further south we headed the more we were surrounded by green, rolling hills, random trees overflowing with white blossoms, and surprising spreads of purple blossoms on trees and fields. We spent the day listening to Colbie Caliet, Celine Dion, Monster Hits, Worship albums, Snow Patrol and everything else in between. We talked about the usual...getting over boys, the amazing events that had led up to this road trip, our families and friends. We did lose track of a credit card for awhile. We did have to turn around once. There was a major detour through St. Louis. But all in all, it was a beautiful day.

Fast forward to the last leg of the trip. We finally made it to Tennessee....and better yet...all the way into Nashville. I mean, I have been to Nashville...but this time, I have to remind myself...oh yeah, this is your future home. I have felt the hand of providence all day...from the details of the dream Kim had about this very trip six months before we ever even thought about coming, to the 333 on our final destination address (a number which bears a lot of significance in my family), to the billboard signs all along the way, to the signs of spring after a long drive through winter...I just know the Lord's hand has been leading us here...leading me here.

The road we came in on was I-24...it's motto is..."A symbol of freedom". And that is exactly how I have been feeling for the past couple of days. I feel like we are so blessed to be walking in this freedom. We are going to be able to live in the city we have only dreamed and talked about. We are going to be able to find ourselves and find the Lord in the place where He has beckoned our hearts to come. I am going to have the time to write again. We are free to be in this place...free to start fresh and new. What a gift...this freedom.