Sunday, February 24
Sunday Night at the Coffee House....
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Seeking the Kingdom
I asked a good friend of mine one night as we sat together on a Riverside park bench what he was sure of. I don't remember his answer or my exact words for that matter. What I do remember was the feeling that all was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop the time.
It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.
There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.
My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.
My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.
If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.
Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.
And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.
Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.
There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.
My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.
My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.
If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.
Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.
And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.
Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Thursday, February 21
Hit and Run
After work tonight I headed out into the rain to get to the studio. I wanted to lay down tracks for 3 more songs. Distracted for a moment by a phone call, I forgot to turn onto the correct street. I hung up the phone and kept driving...trying to figure out how to get back on track. It worked, and I knew I'd get there with plenty of time to get things done. I got ready to to make another turn, rolled to a stop, checked the traffic to my left and promptly felt my car make impact with something and bounce backwards. I realized, after a moment, that I had rolled into the truck in front of me...it was obviously my mistake...and not one that I have ever made before.
The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.
I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.
Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.
After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.
The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.
I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.
Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.
After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.
Thursday, February 14
Ode To Valentine's Day
Tomorrow I will wear pink
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.
I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)
Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.
I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)
Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.
Tuesday, February 5
Undivided
If I kept going at this rate I would pass the mark for a 60 hour work week. And that's just where it begins...I finally started adding it all up in my head. Getting up early, going to bed late...keeping up (or still falling behind) with paper work, making time for friends and family, wishing for more time with worship and song. There are not enough hours in the day according to my schedule. I find myself wanting to retreat to a quiet place, wanting to drop it all and find peace again.
In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.
It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.
Psalm 86:11 -
In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.
It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.
Psalm 86:11 -
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
Sunday, February 3
Hold Me Close
Keep my heart so close to yours
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow
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