Sunday, August 27

Two Years

I remember the day I walked out of my religous safety net and into the world. I remember God's arms around me tight as He set me down to take my first steps. I fell into dirt and mud and cried because I didn't think that I could go on. But, there He was. He picked me back up, set my feet upon a rock. He put a new song in my mouth...a song of praise to my God. Life has never been the same. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Two years have passed this summer. My heart has not been the same since. I left religion on the doorstep of my own apartment. I left church as I knew it. I haven't turned back. That summer revealed an open door I had never known...it was the door of making my own choices, of hearing God with my own ears, seeing Him with my own eyes, making my own mistakes and tasting grace that no one else but He could give.

Yes, I have entered places of worship since that time. I have knocked on doors of small groups and Bible classes in order to get plugged in. And yet my discontent remains. Where is sincerity? Where is honesty? Where are the real, life giving unconditional relationships? These are all claims of American Christianity today, but I find these claims often empty and hard to swallow. I told my friend Carrie today, "I love God. I love the people of God. But I just don't love church." It makes me feel like I have a real problem.

I met this guy yesterday who was so lost. Turned out that we were riding in the same car for my friend's birthday. He has never been to church a day in his life. The only reason he knows God is real is because he knows that someone was with him when he fell off of a two story roof a couple of years ago. As a girl with opinions and hopes and dreams I wouldn't give this guy the time of day. He was beyond rough around the edges. As a Christian, I'd be afraid to show up by myself with him at church...what would they think about what I'm doing throughout the week, right? But as a follower of Christ....I better be acting in love towards this guy, treating him as someone of worth. Even my close friends were acting as if he was no big deal. But I couldn't, my heart went out to him. So, I listened to his story and asked a lot of questions. He said I should be a psychologist or something.

JESUS hung out with the prostitutes thank you very much. What should I be doing ...staying in my comfort zone just so some guy can't hit on me and make me feel uncomfortable? He was so obviously in need of being valued. He asked me to go to dinner and I turned him down...I should have gone. Do you know what I did instead? The safe thing...invited him to church. C'mon. I can't even get myself there half the time. I should have gone to dinner. I should have stepped out of my safe little world and felt uncomfortable for awhile. Jesus would have said yes.

Two years ago I also loved someone who bitterly questioned my love for God. He broke my heart when it had already been laid out in so many pieces. I would have stayed with him anyways. I would have forgotten who I was just to keep on loving him. Someday, I know that he will see my prayers answered. Someday I know that Christ will dwell in his heart just as it dwells in mine. For now, I remember and hope and let go. For now, I learn from that season and love others around me better.

Finding Life

From the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning:
"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even a single inch to our spiritual stature. There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and a subtle despair-subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It take the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play The Great God Brown: "Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

I am reading this book and thanking God that someone else in the world feels the same way I do. I thought coming to Florida would be like coming home. I thought that I would settle here, plant myself, get a life. But what I thought and what is in my heart are two very different things. I may venture out again. I may finally be courageous and step in a direction I didn't think that I could go. I just might surprise everyone, most of all myself and probably least of all God. Maybe, just maybe I will be brave.

Jaxson Deville came from the Jaguars football team to help us pump up our reading program this year. He had the kids jumping up and down singing a song about their dreams. These were the words, "Dream It, Do It, Believe It, Become It." We went back to the classroom and began to talk about our dreams and how we would get there. So, being the teacher, I had to share my own dream before expecting them to share theirs. And oddly enough, even though I love being with those kiddos every day...it isn't my dream. I feel like I'm committing a sin just saying that out loud. Because I am gifted with children, because I do love them, because right now this classroom is my place of ministry. Why would I give up something so good? I don't know. I just feel as if there's more.

What if I gave up now? What if I just settled into lesson plans and early morning meetings and looking forward to 20 minutes of recess every day? What if I just settled in on using my paycheck for classroom odds and ends, trips to Target and paying off school loans? What if boredom became my friend instead of my loathed enemy?

I have been a girl without vision holding passion in my hands. God help to open my eyes in the direction of your sunrise. God help me to be the girl that follows you with my whole heart and who is not afraid to leave security behind.

Quote

"I think in many ways, there's been an incredible movement in everything from music to politics toward going to sleep."
~Sheryl Crow

A quote to reflect my recent quanderies on waking up and taking part in the world around me.

Saturday, August 19

I love surprises

So I went to a concert with a friend last night...a Robbie Seay Band concert that is. They have an incredible ministry through music...check them out.

So yeah, my friend knows the drummer in this band and we were backstage for awhile. I was told that some Canadian girl was playing before the band. She came in, sat on the couch beside me. I introduced myself and asked if she was the one playing. We talked for a few minutes about Nashville and random things and then we all went downstairs to hear her play. When she came on stage she apologized that we probably wouldn't know any of the songs she was going to play, because most of us had probably never heard her before. And she was right, I didn't know the first song. But then the second song sounded like one of my favorite songs. I leaned over and said, I think she must cover this song. But then I knew the next song, and the next. And all of them were songs by a girl named Jill Paquette who's music has totally ministered to me through the past few years. "Wait a minute", I said to myself..this girl's name is Jill...and then the two and two came together...and I realized that I had just been talking with one of my favorite music artists.

Lol..I talked to Jill some more after the concert. She's a great girl. Definitley check out her music...she has a beautiful way of expressing her journey with the Lord.

ps-Wen, it was you who sent me Jill's cd for my birthday a few years ago...thanks again. :)

Friday, August 18

Question of the Day

"Miss T., what color are you?" she asked today.

I laughed being as I am in the minority in my classroom. :) Ah, the joys of living in Florida with a tan all year long.

Heart of the Matter

So I went to the doctor today to find the results of my tests. My heart is fine, just has a few extra beats every once in awhile. I laughed and told him I felt as if I had made up the whole episode. It's funny because I was actually a little worried when all of the weird symptoms were happening. It was stress I think, even though they happened during summer vacation while I was traveling.

There was something about being in Scotland that made me forget what was going on. On the day I returned home I realized that for 10 days there had been no episodes whatsoever and there hasn't been one since.

I sat in Glasgow Cathedral's cemetary for quite awhile one overcast day, next to a stone that spoke of the joy of meeting again in heaven one day. As I sat there, the feelings of brokeness and sadness over lost love and altered trust seemed to wash over me. The words on the stone reminded me of the hope that Christ was in the midst of the situation, that He would work to bring both of us where we needed to be. And then a song rose up in me that I had never heard before and I began to sing. Looking back, I do believe a transfer occurred. I left my brokeness in the cemetary. I left my sadness and burden behind.

God so ordained that trip for me. I've had such an energy to keep going since I've returned. The stress and burden I felt about school and work and all of those things has disappeared. The sadness is gone. I have started writing music again. I'm playing almost every day and almost every time I have started writing a new song. I've come home with my burdens lifted and such a sense of urgency to carry on.

God heals our hearts by surprise and in His own way I think. I had no idea He would send me to Scotland. I had no idea that He would expand my borders in songwriting, though I have longed for Him to do so. And I still have no idea what the rest of the story is, who I will meet, where I will go, what ministry I will fulfill. But my heart is better, at peace. I am enjoying getting to know Him, getting to trust Him, and walking by faith in a greater way.

God give me grace to continue to walk in your peace and in your path for my life.

Monday, August 14

Btw

I love blogging at Panera...they bring free samples of great food at just the right time. I just got passed up by the sample guy though. It's really disappointing...he had a chocolate chip cookie on his tray. Oh...good...he's coming back...I am now enjoying a strawberries and cream croissant.

Chicken Sunday

We read Chicken Sunday by Patricia Polacco today, where Grandma Eula takes her children to church and teaches them to show others kindness in spite of misunderstandings. Her voice is like slow thunder and sweet rain and she laughs from a deep, holy place inside. "Miss T., what is a deep, holy place inside?" That is the question that brought tears to my eyes, the one that makes me so thankful for where God has placed me in this season.

School Days

Ah, the south...where school days start in August. I am in the middle of week 2. My class is a breath of fresh air. Wow, what a difference. I feel so much more confident, so much more at peace. I'm not exhausted at the end of my day. It's actually good to be back.

This one's for you, Beth....I had two third graders discussing something very important in the lunch line. One of them turned to me and said, "Miss T., tell him that we did NOT come from an egg." I thought to myself that either this little one was either very informed or had no clue at all as to how he came into the world. He continued to argue with his friend that he had most definitely come from an egg. "Well, then WHERE do babies come from, Miss T.?" Lol...

Saturday, August 5

Get Ready

I just spent over an hour posting pics....it's really hard to choose between 450...I haven't counted by there's quite a few below. Enjoy...comment...hopefully you'll enjoy them. I know I do.

Castles

Stirling Castle's great hall. It had been painted this color (gold) to signify wealth.
Tapestries also spoke of wealth. This particular king had 14. They are currently being reconstructed by hand.

Seriously, you could fit at least 6 people in this hearth. I'm sure Santa had no problem way back then. Posted by Picasa

Castles

Imagine, if you will, the throne room.
Original wood beams inside the castle.
Walls around the Stirling Castle. Reminds me a bit of a scene in ever after...just need a glass slipper and some rain.
The walls around the wall of the castle at Stirling. Posted by Picasa

Castles

This is the castle we saw on the way to Mull via the ferry. Not sure of it's name.
This tall monument is dedicated to William Wallace. His sword is here. We didn't have time to go. Btw....according the Scots...Hollywood did not stay even close to the true facts.
The garden area at Stirling's Castle. This was the best castle by far that we got to see.
They still hold military balls and weddings in this great hall. They were setting up for one that night. Posted by Picasa

Around Scotland, cont.

Looks a bit like upstate NY.
Cameras do not do justice to island beauty. These "hills" as they call mountains here were very high and very beautiful.
Another favorite. This is at the ruins of the nunnery at Iona.
Two bridges. Posted by Picasa

Around Scotland

My favorite picture out of the lot.
Paisley. Where, yes, the pattern was first designed.
Loch Lomond.
Tree with a twist. Posted by Picasa

Reflections

I was sitting towards the back of the bus as drove through Mull. (One lane road for over an hour by the way.) Can you see the bus driver though?

Starbucks...where Leah could not use her employee discount.
Oban. Posted by Picasa

Prayers

There were prayers posted at every door where we stayed in Paisley. Here are a couple of them. The first was posted inside our bedroom door.

 Posted by Picasa

Where we stayed.

This is all a little out of order, but here goes.
The view from our window in Oban. Where we stayed for 9 pounds a night in our own room and received a free breakfast.
Hmm...looks like a great place. We stayed here for 15 pounds our last night in Edinburgh. There were 8 beds per room and there was no air ventilation. Therefore, I could feel the germs crawling. Posted by Picasa

Where we stayed, cont.

The staircase in the home where we stayed.

We also stayed in Oban.
Beautiful little town on the water. Posted by Picasa

Where we stayed, cont.

The view from our room in Paisley. It overlooks the ruins of the Stanley Castle in the middle of this reservoir.
This is the Asia Room. Philippians 4:13 is the border. The people in this home were so hospitable. We didn't lack anything, including the Americanized electrical outlets I needed for dyring my hair.
This is the room I blogged in while in Scotland.
Go to the store. Look at the thread in the craft section. Does it say Coats? If so, that same Coats family began here. This is the house they built. It's where we stayed for a good portion of our trip. Posted by Picasa

Churches, Cathedrals, Abbeys

The Abbey at Iona.
Desperation.
This is called the quiet corner. It is the most sacred place that I found in this Iona abbey.
 Posted by Picasa