A Good Investment

A very wise person once sat down to teach me about making an investment. I wanted to know more about the stock market. I wanted to know what kind of strategies I should use.

This very wise person explained to me that the first thing to remember was not to make decisions based on fear.

The second thing was to look at the history and track the behavior to get a good idea of how a stock would play out in the long run.

I also learned that there are unpredictable variables; there always will be no matter what. This was nothing to be worried about...just known.

Last but not least, I remember this person telling me that if you had made a good investment, no matter what ups and downs there were along the way, you would inevitably see a rise in the overall value of the initial investment. Therefore, it was important not to give up so soon based on the downfalls here and there.

I still have not made any monetary investments in the stock market.

But when I saw a similar graph one day at a school staff meeting...I felt like I had inside information. The information was saying that we weren't doing enough as teachers to raise the data. And I thought in the back of my head...but this is only based on two years, this is based only on limited information, this doesn't take into account the uncontrollable variables. It didn't see the day in and day out successes. It didn't see the individual student progress. By the end of our discussion, I felt smarter than the data that day....less defeated as a teacher who is doing the best she can to keep those students up to date.

And last night I began to think about relationships...friendships...family and all of the ups and downs that accompany knowing someone and being known. There are good days. Very good days. There are bad days. Sometimes downright awful days. If you were to look at one downfall, it would seem that the investment in that relationship was no good at all. If you were to look at one good day you might think that it would always be good and nothing bad could ever happen. The truth is...there is an ebb and flow. The truth is...there are unpredictable days. You cannot assume anything about anyone. It is better to ask...better to watch over time. A person will prove who they are...who they can become. Especially when their hearts are committed to the Lord. You cannot react to your investment with fear...otherwise you may never see it's full value. You may never see the upward rise of the line. You may look back and wished that you had trusted your instincts to hold on a little bit longer. You may look back and wish you had never invested at all. Either way...you take a risk. You must make the choice to stick by your guns...stick by the investments you chose to make.

Because, even while we were still far away...Christ laid down His life for us. And He knew we had the option of walking away. He knew we had the option of turning away. But He believed in the investment He made. Look where it got Him...true love from those who saw the sacrifice that He made.

I want to be a good investor for my whole life. I want to love the way He loved me. Thank you wise friend, for the lesson you taught to me...I am learning it well.

You Came So Close

I am so enjoying the new Andrew Peterson album today.

You could no more kill the darkness
Than you could raise the sun
And the sky was cold and black
Like the barrel of a gun

And I remember the tremble
In the words you spoke
As you balanced there on the brink
At the end of your rope

You came so close to letting go

And you knew she would hate you
She would kick you out
You'd been lying in the bed that you made
When you broke your vow

Then you woke in the wasteland
Of the truth you told
And you turned to see she stayed,
She was bright as a band of gold

You came so close to letting go

So don't let go, 'cause you never know
Don't let go, you never know for sure

And the sky in Nashville
It can bend you low
'Cause the winter here is gray
Without a trace of snow

But there is no shadow
On the silver stars
And the colder the night is,
The closer the heavens are

And so we're so close
So don't let go
'Cause this I know
Don't let go
This I know for sure:
There's still hope

Monday's Song

He sat at my reading table, head in his hands. We were finished with the lesson, all the other kids had gone on to their next activity. I began to ask him questions. He just shook his head after each one. This kid was probably one of the toughest in the class; I usually saw him smiling and joking around about something. I had never known him to sit so still and not say a word. He began to cry and then the crying turned to sobbing. I grabbed some tissues and sat with him...listening only to his tears. My next reading group would have to wait.

After several minutes he managed to tell me that he missed his dad...who had left to live in Arizona. I wanted to cry with him. I knew exactly how he felt. He had no control over his circumstances. He couldn't change anyone's mind. He just loved his dad and he wanted to be with him. After he had quieted we talked about the fact that his dad probably missed him that much too. We talked about how God can help us when we're sad. And that was it. He got up, and by the time he left the classroom that day, he was smiling again.

I'll never forget that moment. It happened in the midst of my own pain that day when I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through.

We have been given so much. Homes, food, clothes, transportation, families and friends, the power and luxury of technology, the ability to work, the ability to enjoy life. The list goes on. And most importantly, for a lot of people who read this blog, we have been given peace with Jesus. And if we have been given so much, so many resources, and the very essence of life, I would have to say that much would be expected of us in return.

Hopefully, as we grow into adults, our quest does not turn in search for more happiness for ourselves; hopefully, at some point in our lives, our quest will turn in search of how we can tend to our resources well, cause them to grow, and then to use those resources to help those in need.

Resources are a gift from God, we should neither despise or reject them. Who knows what good can come from placing resources in the right hands? Who knows how they could be used to show God's love and provision to a world in desperate need of even the most basic of needs...like clean water? As followers of Christ, there is no room for selfishness, and considerably less room for false humility. We must learn how to take care of what we ourselves have been given, to give without a second thought to our own vitality when a need arises, and then how to receive again when the opportunity arises for God to give us what is in His heart for us to have. Whether it is something tangible like money...or whether it is forgiveness and the ability to mend what has been broken.

I woke up this morning. And those words began to run through my head again...the ones about how I wasn't good enough, how I hadn't done enough, how I had been misunderstood, how I longed for everything to be made right. And then I heard this song by Thad Cockrell and I was reminded...that even if I couldn't change my own circumstances...I could reach out to others in the midst of theirs. I may not have what I want right now, but I have everything I need in Jesus. I live a blessed life...a full life. There are so many right now, at this moment, who don't have any kind of hope. One day, everything will be made right. And even if I don't see it with my eyes right now...I'll keep spreading that message...with my Love.

Redefining Never

On my way to eat sushi a couple of nights ago, I remembered the very first time I came across this delicious genre of food. I was walking with friends through Queens on a hot summer night. We passed by a restaurant with a store front window...and there it was...sushi. I imagined how awful it must taste, how terrible its consistency would be, and right then and there I swore I would never try sushi. Fast forward four years to a friends' kitchen in Tulsa, Oklahoma. They were big fans of creating dinners from the Food Network. They were also big fans of sushi. I came to a moment where I had no choice but to give it a try, and from that day forward, sushi became one of my favorite meals.

This memory got me to thinking about all the "nevers" I have swore to.
*I would never move to Rochester.
*I would never wear capris.
*I would never ride in the front seat of a roller coaster.
*I would never ride a sky coaster and free fall through the sky.
*I would never want to be her friend.
*I would never live in Florida.
*I would never hurt anyone with my words.
*I would never leave him.
*I would never be confident enough to sing my own songs on a stage.
*I would never do THAT again.
*I would never give up.

But I have done all of these things. And so many other things (good and bad) I thought I would never do.

I began to think about the idea of "never". Using that word was often like using a mask to cover up fears; fears of the unknown, fears of being found out, fears of finding out that there was something better than what I was holding onto, fears of change. Sometimes, it was a denial of what was really going on, a denial of my need for healing and trust. Sometimes, "never" was a hope that things would change.

There are absolute truths that should be held onto in this world. There is beauty in standing up for what is right. There is peace that comes from constancy and loyalty. I am thankful for those nevers.

But then there are those nevers that awkwardly stand out and call attention to themselves. These are the ones that call us to change. They might also be the most painful to admit to. But without change, life becomes a stagnant pool of water. Without change growth does not occur. We cannot be refreshed, and we certainly cannot refresh others.

I sat with a dear friend this week. She told a story that spanned several years and very much reflected my own; so much so that I teared up several times throughout its telling. And because of her story, I felt that my own story was much more understood. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel so lost. She had faced so many "nevers" in several different ways, but because she had allowed herself to be changed by God's love, her "nevers" dissolved into a beautiful love story.

I wonder what would happen if we surrendered our "nevers" to the love of God. I wonder what would happen if we let love define our choices; instead of our preconceived notions, our prior experiences, the opinions of others, and the untested doctrines we have chosen. What would happen if we accepted the fact that change is really okay?

We don't have to be the same person we were yesterday. We don't have to be defined by our past. And if our excuse for falling short becomes, "Well, that's just who I am", then we have forgotten love...for ourselves, for others, maybe even for God. We have chosen the word never and denied any hope for what could be.

If my life had stopped at never...I can't imagine how it would look...
*I wouldn't have known the joy of the people who live in Rochester. I wouldn't have a home here. I wouldn't have such a rich history of God's love and work in this city.
*I wouldn't be going on my 8th annual trip to California to visit a friend who intimidated me before I really knew how amazing she was.
*I wouldn't have made so many amazing friends, touched so many little lives, been so refreshed and healed, been so inspired to keep writing music, traveled to so many different places, or have been close to my family...because of living in Florida.
*I wouldn't have had the chance to move to Nashville.
*I wouldn't have been so heartbroken over my own faults and then so aware of the hurt in others...if it wasn't for walking through relationships...and learning how to love well.

This list could go on and on.

Life without change, is not life at all.

God meant for us to be changed. He meant for our lives to grow brighter and brighter. The Bible says that His mercies are new every morning. So many times God says that He is doing a NEW thing. In Revelation 21:5 says that He is making "all things new". Maybe the first step towards walking in His newness...is to look at our own "nevers" and ask Him which ones need to be changed.

I posted a picture of water running through my hands. That stream was so refreshing to us girls that day. It brought so much enjoyment and laughter during our time there. It was beautiful! As I was holding the water I was thinking of the things in my life and how there was very little that I could hold onto. But that was the beauty of the stream. And that is the beauty of life. Things will never be the same. The rocks, the water, the banks, the sediment are constantly in a state of change. But the flow of the water is constant, as is the constancy of God's love for us and the promises that He has made. His rivers of living water will continue to flow...as long as we allow them to...and along with them will come the cleansing, the refreshing, the changing, and the healing He wants to bring.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Thoughts of Home

There is a quietness. I've heard it on the road, in the car, no music playing. As I sit among tall blades of grass and the cool winds blow over me and through the trees. In the way that love has overcome and made a home in the hearts of my very dear friends.

As strongly as tears of grief have made their way into my days...so has a peace...as if it's the only way to move forward. To become quiet. To trust. That all will be well. Just as it was meant to be.

I'm remembering who I am. And I am wondering why I have fought so hard, traveled so far, looked for so long...if home was always this lovely and welcoming and good. Why did I feel the need to leave? And why do I long to return? Can I ever return?

Home has invited me to sit by the fire and tell my story. It has kissed my cheeks and held me close. It has wiped my tears and held my hands. Home has given me a place to rest my head. It has walked down familiar streets and whispered cherished memories I had forgotten. It has told me stories of when I was young. It has reminded me of what I love and of who I love. Home has given me hope for the future. It has breathed life on the dreams that I hold in my heart.

I have tried to breathe in every bit of nature I can this week. I grew up loving the land and the water...I still do. It was so good to have friends to share the beauty of the outdoors with this past week.

I have tried to soak in every moment with friends. Good friends. Friends that span a history of time and distance. They make me laugh out loud. They bring beauty to the world. They dream. They listen and encourage. Their stories are full of ups and downs, tragedy and hope, conflict and peace, adventure and every day simple living. I love them with all my heart. I love God for giving them to me.

There is so much more to say. Healing takes time. But for those of us who are alive...it is inevitable. We must heal so that we can continue to live. For the past three months, over and over again I've heard people say to me, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." Living...that what I choose...I want to live, and I want to live well. None of this in between stuff...teetering between what if's and somedays. It is time to heal. To begin again. To become alive. "No regrets." That's another one. I hear it everywhere. It's time to love better. To embrace what and who we have been given. To find the place we are called to. To know the God who has called us.

We don't have to know everything. We don't have to have every detail of the future in place. But if we know God is good...then we will know our future is secure. We'd be able to slow down...to enjoy Him...to enjoy each other...to stop being afraid and let the healing begin.

his chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again

if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again

you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you