Saturday, December 30

Caught In His Hands

I've missed you. Deep down in my heart of hearts. I have missed your friendship. I know that we're moving on. I know it's better this way...somehow. But I miss you. I'm so thankful, for the time we had. Thankful for our season. You have made my life better.

Do we ever see it? In the midst of our days, in the midst of our circumstances, do we see the blessing? When drama is at its peak. When plans do not go our way. When those we love do not love us the way we had hoped in return. When we are disappointed and heartbroken. When opportunities arise and then disappear. Do we see God moving in the midst of us? Do we see that His plans are better, higher than we could have ever imagined?


I have been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now. The disappointment, the missed opportunities, the plans that never came through, the love that did not show its face as I had hoped it would. My hope has been deferred, my heart has been misled, my faith has been tested. And I stand here not knowing how to react, not knowing how to move on, not really knowing how to let go. I want to let go. I want to be at peace. But I don't know how. I can literally feel physical tension as I try to hold myself together. It has been going on for way too long.


I keep seeing a picture of Christ, reaching His hand out to me. I want to reach back. And I keep asking, "what happens next?"


I think in the letting go, we learn how to be held. Held by God, held by hope, held by something much greater than ourselves. In letting go, we are able to love deeper. Letting go, means that our control is gone, that what we have been hoping for is not really up to us anymore.


What is real will return to us, when all else is gone. What was meant to be, will be, when our striving is gone. We are searching for Christ, each and every one of us...no matter what our disguise or vain excuse. He comes through, in the letting go. He comes through when there is nothing left for us to hold onto. He comes through.


That is my prayer. That I would be able to let go of every false hope, every misleading excuse, every misconception. Because I want to see Him. I want to know Christ. I want my heart to be at peace with Him. In letting go, I want my life to be caught in His hands.


I can't make it on my own. I need help. I need a redeemer. I need the chance to say yes to Him, letting go of all that lies behind me.

Wednesday, December 13

Peace

Set my heart to be at peace. That has been my prayer. And this morning as I sit in this classroom, white Christmas lights outlining the board, Christmas music playing lightly in the background, students outdoors at PE I realize that God has been in this day. My paperwork is not done, my boys are still in the business of pushing the limits, but I am at peace.

I have been so afraid...of not measuring up, of teaching the wrong things, of simply not being enough. I have been ready to give up...to simply walk away and not return. But that would not be right. Because God gave me this job. Because He has a lesson to teach me here. And if I do not learn the lesson now, I will most certainly have to walk through the same things again.

I am learning not to be afraid...of mistakes, of people's opinions, of impossible expectations and paperwork, of beliefs that are not the same as my own, of the potential that resides inside of me. I am learning to rely on God for grace every day, every moment. I am learning that this ability to wing it may be a gift directly from Him. I am learning that His ways of teaching are far better than my own and so much better than the state's way of doing things.

As much as I hate to say it, I have needed this place as much as it has needed me. Whether this season is coming to close or whether it will continue for awhile, I don't know. What I do know is that God is with me, helping me. And as long as He remains my focus, I will remain at peace and all will turn out well.

Monday, December 11

Love Has Come

Someday I hope to get past the past. In fact, maybe I'm almost there and the past needs to let go of me. Either way, I am reminded of the verse somewhere in the old testament that says if we want to return to where we came from, we will have the chance to do so. This week, he wrote to me. Right out of the blue. Interuppted my Sunday morning routine as I clicked on my inbox. And I thought it was a mistake. Because the letter was really like picking up an old conversation. Picking up the same conversation, the same heartbroken routine we always fall into. Except I don't want to fall anymore. Instead, I sit right down, contemplate where I am, where he might be. I ask God where He is. I ask God when my heart will be restored again. And really that's my question. Will I get another chance? Will love come to my door again, or will I have to learn how to walk alone? These are the lonelier questions. In my heart of hearts, I know it will come. I know God will redeem the past. He reminded me today that He is still in the business of encouraging. He gave me the day off to enjoy good friends. (Really I was assigned to jury duty...but they let me go by 10:30 in the morning.) So simple, yet so what I needed. I am not alone. There are others who walk this road. In between shopping and cheesecake, incognito pastors and footballs in the parking lot I am reminded that my present and future are way better than where I have come from. I have no need to fear. Love has come. God is love. And He is all around.

Saturday, December 2

The Rest

I've been waiting.

Waiting on better days, deeper relationships, time to pass, changes to come. I am looking back at this year and seeing what God has brought me through. So much healing, so much vision, so much to be thankful for.

And so tonight, I look at this restlessness...I look at this worry that I will not be satisfied, and I ask myself...where is my faith? I am waiting on so and so to write or call. I am waiting on the weekend to come. I am waiting for that letter in the mail. I am waiting, hoping, pining away.

But am I waiting on God? Am I truly sitting and listening to His heart? Do I know what He wants? Have we planned and dreamed together?

Tonight, I sat alone and contemplated my desire to be out with people, to be a part of a group and enjoying the evening. It didn't happen. So, I did what I should have been doing all week. I went into my room and began to play the piano. I had only played for probably about 15 minutes when I went to grab my guitar and then, as if on cue, the phone rang.

I did not recognize the number and when I answered I did not recognize the voice. The person calling was a guy I had met randomly at a place I did not even expect to be last night. It was even more random that I had given him my number...that rarely happens. Anyways, we spent two and half hours talking about music, God, relationships and a few other things in between. By the end of the conversation, I didn't feel quite so alone. I didn't feel disappointed that I had missed an evening out. I actually felt loved and appreciated. I felt like the evening had been well spent.
Divine appointments come at the least expected moments and exactly when we need them.

I say all this to say...I think I have been waiting on the wrong things. I have been waiting for that perfect relationship. I have been waiting for him to show up at my door. And you know what, after tonight, I realized...he probably will show up at the least expected moment. But for now, at this moment...I need to appreciate what God has given to me. I need to hold on and push forward in this season. I need to pursue God. I need to pursue FRIENDships. The rest will come...with patience and with trust.

Waiting is so much more than sitting on the bench and wishing for a chance to play. It is training beforehand and cheering on the others who train beside you. It is focused and determined. It is knowing that one day, at just the right moment, your chance will come and you better be ready.

Waiting has a goal in mind.
My goal is to know Christ, truly know Him.
The rest will fall into place.

Friday, December 1

Comfort

I talked with a friend of mine tonight about beauty. We talked about the contrast we feel between culture and Godly expectations. We talked about our own disappointments and life experiences and how it has molded our perspectives. We shared our questions.

I am still wrestling with thoughts at home tonight. I am wrestling with feelings of not measuring up...with questions...with hope and dreams...with disappointments...with not knowing what is good and what is selfish.

Beyond the outward beauty, what is there beneath? Besides the Lord. Besides places and friends. Besides my life story. What is there? I cannot speak eloquently about theological matters. I cannot debate politics. Movies and music are beyond my years of experience and training. I love to read, but I hardly remember the words after turning the page.

I am fully convinced that beauty comes from the Lord. I know for a fact that God draws us in by His beauty and I truly believe that anything that is beautiful about me comes from Him. My hope, when speaking with others, is that they are drawn to God in me most of all...that in some way they are touched by Him when interacting with me.

It could be that I am lonely and only feeling sorry for the fact that there are not many to share my true heart with. It could be that tonight I am not feeling my most confident self. It could be that I am too worried about such matters as friendship and love. It could be that I do not trust others to first of all, see the real me, and second of all, to care enough to stick around when I feel boring, or lost, or hopeless, or worried, etc.

I have hope for redemption. I have hope that one day God will show me the truth...that He will blast my twisted theories right out of the water. I have hope that one day not only will I be comforted in God's love towards me, but that I will be comforted and secure in relationships which are based on inward beauty, on truth, on the things that do not fade away.

Confidence

I sat with my most favorite professor on Monday morning in Tulsa before flying back to Jax. She is my favorite because I know that she believes the best about me. She is my favorite because she has never been afraid to tell me the real deal. She has forced me out of my comfort zone, she has spoken the truth even when it hurt my feelings. And in the midst of the trials she has always offered a better way. Dr. M. once said that she did not want to teach me to become a teacher, she wanted to teach me to become a good teacher.

I told Dr. M that I wished I could sit in her classes all over again. She told me that I already knew everything. She told me that all I needed was the confidence...the confidence that I am a good teacher, that I DO know what I am doing.

She also told me that mean to me is not always "mean" for the kids. Sometimes I will have to be mean in order to love them. I needed to be reminded of that one.

God show me how to love these kids. Show me how to teach them. My grip on them seems to slip from my hands and I am desperate to draw them in again. I am desperate to prepare them for what they need to know. But the truth is that I do not even know what they need to know. The truth is that I do not know how to reach their hearts. But you do, Lord. You see straight through their behavior and academic performance. You see their lives, their thoughts, their motives, their potential. Show me how to love them God. Show me how to prepare them. Show me how to get past performance and to please you in all of this.