December 1

Right now I am thankful for warm blankets and Christmas lights that my roommate insisted should be put up early this year. I am thankful for a job that gave me the space to turn off the lights for an hour in the middle of my day today just to read and regroup. I promise I will try harder to be all there tomorrow. I am thankful that my family is only a phone call away. Their words have spoken truth to me in the midst of much despair. I am thankful for mom and dad who bought me new tires when I have no idea how in the world I would have done such a task. I didn't worry so much about rain this morning. I am thankful for friends who keep calling and asking and loving just when I need it most. I am thankful for butternut squash soup (which sounded really awful at first but ended up tasting pretty good) and grilled cheese sandwiches on rye. I am thankful for a God who doesn't forget His promises, even when everyone else does. I get to wake up in the morning. I get to try again...and keep trying until I get there...wherever there is.

He is working all things together for my good. I have to keep repeating that to myself tonight. I have to keep reminding myself of the words I heard in my heart at the moment when other words were the most painful..."I am making all things new." I have to keep saying to myself..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding." Yep, that about covers it. It's the soundtrack in my head, along with Sara Groves', "love wash over a multitude of things..love wash over a multitude of things...make us whole".

November I must say, I am glad to see you go. December is a new place to start.

C.S. Lewis

If you know me well, you know that one of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis. Here is my new favorite quote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." C.S.Lewis

The Day After 3

It's over. It's over? I keep having to tell myself the news. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I was hoping for. And yet here I stand with the news in my ears. Half of me doesn't even believe it to be real. Half of me expects the curtain to rise and life to continue on as it had before.

He said, "God is going to work all things together for good." It is the same verse my mom spoke to me this morning. How does this work for the good? It hurts too much to make any sense right now.

I see it, how it all fell apart. But I saw a way through. I wanted it to work so badly. I didn't want to be left behind. No. Not now. Not when I my heart trusted in something I thought would last. I thought it would last. No matter what.

The End

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Confidence

I ran across these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman tonight...so good.

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here