Saturday, December 21

...deferred makes the heart sick.
...fulfilled is a tree of life.

What is my hope?
Where is my hope?
Who is my hope?

Tuesday, December 10

"Good, better, best never let it rest, until the good is better and the better best."
Words of my great grandmother. Words that have rung in my ears since using them as a slogan in running for president of my third grade class. I lost the race but never forgot the principle. Now that I look at it though, I wonder, what is it in the good that makes us want to strive for more. And when we get to the more than good, the better, how can we know for sure that better itself is not the best? How many times have I stopped short of the best?

This semester, I stand at a crossroads. I'm looking at "better" on a road that came from good. Better is an easier path. Better means that I can rest for a little while. It means that I can stay familiar with what I see now. "Best", however, has been planted in my heart. "Best" calls my name and sends invitations almost daily. If I leave better now, I cannot come back. In my heart, I know that I must sacrifice the present circumstances that seem to fulfill, for future things that will far outweigh what I am looking at today.

Praise God, that He can make sense out of all of this. :)

Saturday, November 30

My Father has carried my life on a path that unfolds with more meaning than I could ever imagine. But it is not the path that I want to search for anymore. I feel it beneath my feet. I know it is there. Now, my eyes are searching for His eyes. I want to see Him, to behold His beauty.

All that I have hoped for in my short life of 23 years I have not yet fully seen. Little glimpses sometimes, but mostly my dreams remain here, waiting for a breath of life from the great Creator. They are nothing without Him. When I am about to give up, I can't help but think that giving up is the act of taking things into my own hands. So I wait here, I wait for Him to come. And soon...I will learn to overcome.

That which we long for is not far from the place where we might have given up. It is those who wait patiently who overcome. Nothing great is ever accomplished in our own strength, though we may be deceived to think so highly of ourselves. Rather, through admitting our weaknesses and confessing our shortcomings we are redeemed to a greater thing than we might have imagined. Grace becomes the strength that carries our lives, transcending all things and remaining whether or not we are aware of its presence and whether or not we agree with its great wisdom.

Today, I stand in awe of His grace.

Monday, November 25

Even if we never expected our walk with God to be easy, why has the difficulty always come as a surprise? When do our hearts find the fullness of the promise? Sure, eventually it will come to pass. What happens though if our own choices keep us from the days that we have waited for? That is the question I am faced with now. It stares me in the face every time I look up.

Destiny has been watching me from the fishbowl. I look at her everyday. I feed her and keep her water clean. I talk to her, talk about her and she seems to respond. But she is silent. I can walk away right now and forget for a little while that she is there. One night I forgot that she needed to be fed at all. She survived. Amazing that such a small goldfish can speak volumes to my life.

Saturday, November 16


I found out yesterday while helping my employer sort through his handwritten chapter on the working of the lungs that "inspire" is actually a medical term, opposite to the term expire, which means to exhale.

Its definition: "To fill the lungs with air".

Wednesday, November 13

As I sit here tonight, I realize that the events of the past couple of weeks are not what I thought them to be. Perspective can change over time and for that I am glad. I am glad that I did not take matters into my own hands when I wanted to the most. I am glad that there is grace to cover over the wrong decisions that I have made. Most of all, I am glad for the vision that is being brought to the surface of my heart. All of sudden, when there is resistance I find myself pushing for more. From the depths of my soul comes a defense mechanism to protect a destiny that I did not create. But it is my destiny none the less and I want to embrace it with all that I am. My destiny is Him. I want nothing else but to walk with my Father and to know that I have pleased His heart.
It is good to be near God.

Monday, November 11

I won't tell you how many times I have walked to the phone tonight, to pick it up and make ammends with him. I want to fix things right away. I want to make it all better; I want to be released from the pressure that has built up around my heart all day. The pressure that has caused me to sigh out loud in the middle of walking to class, the pressure that makes me sit here quietly as if I do not have to prepare for a presentation tomorrow. I haven't even started to work on it yet.

This question rises up in my heart. What if I wait? By picking up the phone tonight am I taking matters into my own hands? I know I play a part in this. I know at some point I will have to speak up. But what if I wait? There may be something I need to hear. There may be something he needs to walk through. If God has truly promised to take care of me, to handle the matters I place in His hands then there is no need to worry. He works all thing according to His purposes and on His time table.

The verse that has run around in my head all day: He is able to perfect those things which concern us. I asked for His peace and even now it begins to rise up. Even now, I know that all is well above and beyond what I see. He sees the end from the beginning and He declares it as truth. The truth is: I am an overcomer through Him. The truth is: my steps are ordered. The truth is: I will not be disappointed. The truth is: He makes ALL things beautiful in His time.

Sunday, November 10

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:22-26

Friday, November 8

After the heavy frost and bitter cold winds of last week I had expected winter to set in. But today, the wind is blowing warmer and promises to be like yesterday when the sun appeared. After twenty straight days of gloom and rain we are kissed by the sun. I am awakened by a second chance to feel the warmth that I long for through endless winter months.

Truly, God never leaves us
Our strength is found as we gaze
Into His eyes
Trusting that what He has said
Was always meant for our good.

Thursday, November 7

My friend Kati said today, "We dream these amazing dreams for our lives, and often do not expect the pain and sacrifice that comes with those dreams." But pain, sacrifice, and hard work are all necessary to realize the dream. A dream is not real, it is not full without these. We expect that God will make it easy. We expect that our ideals and opinions will hold true in every circumstance. And then comes the circumstance that blows our perceptions out of the water.

When we have to walk out what we have spoken over our lives, there comes an opportunity to see how weak and vulnerable we can be. Then, there is a choice: cut off the circumstance that is causing us hardship or walk through the hardship and see what waits on the other side. If we cut off the circumstance and cut off the people who cause them, is it possible to miss out on something God might have been trying to show us all along? Will walking away keep our hearts in a cycle of regret?

Maybe walking it out is okay. Maybe burning bridges is not always the answer. Maybe God wants us to face fears that have been locked up, keeping us from new relationships and opportunities. Maybe God wants to strengthen our hearts.

I have always believed that beauty is the containment of joy, peace, and abundance. It wasn't until this week that I realized how important pain and sacrifice are to create this beauty. Without pain, without sacrifice, there is no reason to hope. There is no reason to push and no reason to grow. Therefore, our lives require us to take risks. Risks require vulnerability. Beauty does not come easy.

So today, I made the decision to walk out what I needed to walk out. I made the decision to grow instead of cut off my heart in the middle of this experience. God wants to teach me something; He may want to use me to add to another's life. I don't know, I just don't know. But my eyes are on Him. I've asked Him to correct me if I am wrong.

I found freedom today.

Monday, November 4

Thanks, little brother for your words of encouragement. What you said in your blog tonight stuck out to me because it's the same thing that I've been thinking about:

"its interesting to realize tho, that in our times of greatest victory, we are the most vulnerable to attack. it seems that - for me personally - if im not walking through the fire every moment, then during those easier moments, i am most failure prone.
fire forces us closer to the One we follow. when things arent as hot... i sometimes tend to enjoy my ability to run and be free... a lil too much."

It is good to know what our weaknesses are. It keeps us with the mindset that we are so in need of God. May He strengthen both of our hearts to run the race we are called to without giving up; and may He refine us to the point that our freedom may be enjoyed without the fear of compromise. May we be able to answer His heart's cry:

Place me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like a blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

The strength of our life is not in our commitment to Him, it is in His commitment to us.

Runnning away does not allow for the time and patience it takes to grow into maturity. Strength comes through through trials.
The joy of the Lord is my strength...let that be said of me today.

Saturday, November 2

The love of God never fails. He will never disappoint us. That I know.

The question that I ask myself tonight...

Why do I long for what I cannot have?

Why, after I have determined that the answer must be no, do I continue to hope for what cannot be?

Why do I not long for God, the way I long for this person?

Never before have I felt this torn by conflicting feelings. I based my decision not upon feelings, but upon a realization that I could not follow through and still follow God's perfect plan for my life. It would have been compromise, I continue to reason with myself.

Earlier today, I was content; I had made the right decision. Now, I am fighting again. Fighting emotions and longings that should never have been started in the first place. I didn't ask for this. I have been careful to stay out of these situations. I thought so at least. I even tried to keep my heart to myself this time. But still, he pursued me. And I had to say no. I had to look at him, all the while longing to say yes, and tell him that it wasn't right. Was it? Was it not? All I can do is walk forward and wait for relief. All I can do is hope that God miraculously changes my heart and mind. It's the only way.

Friday, October 25

Call to me.
I will answer
as soon as I manage to look up
and see your eyes,
with a love that I cannot resist to move towards.
You have been the desire of my days,
the longing of my heart.
Let these dreams rest in your hands.
They are nothing without your touch.

Thursday, October 24


We are not what we ought to be
We are not what we want to be
We are not what we shall be
But we are something very different from what we used to be. ~Charles Spurgeon~