Monday, February 21

I love 3 day weekends.

Jilli and I went to Dallas this past weekend for some good shopping. On the way home, late saturday night, we took bets on our time of arrival. (The loser had to feed the fish..big risk). Turns out both of us were wrong, we didn't count on arriving at the scene of an accident.

We could hardly see the large tree branches covering both lanes of the dark country road. But as an suv turned around on the other side of the road we noticed the branches as well as a security car that had run head on into a tree. The suv disappeared down the road. But the security car's lights were off and we weren't sure whether it had been there for awhile or whether the accident had just happened. Within seconds, another man came walking across the road from his home. He said that he had heard the accident 15 minutes before. He asked for our cell phone and dialed 911. He looked into the security car and confirmed that, yes, there was someone inside. Jilli and I got out of the car, climbed over the wall of fallen branches, and made our way to the car. I didn't dare look inside. All I could do was just pray under my breath and wait for the emergency vehicles to arrive. We were told by the dispatcher not to take anyone out. In the two minutes that we waited two more cars almost ran into the barricade of trees. We made the second one back up and put on their hazards to prevent any further accidents.

We helped the policemen clear some of the branches. As we did, the firemen pulled the security guard from his car. From where I stood about fifty feet away I couldn't tell if the man was still alive or not. He was large and stereotypical looking for his profession. His face was the whitest I have ever seen. I just stood there and thought about how silent everything had been since our arrival. The firemen performed cpr, hooked him up to a machine, but after a couple of minutes walked away to take care of other business. A simple no from the police officer confirmed what I already had guessed. The security guard did not survive his early morning accident.

If we had arrived any earlier, it could have been us. It was the suv and the reflection of the security car that warned us to stop in front of the fallen trees. Earlier in the evening, Jilli and I had already been talking about God working all things together for our good. We had gotten lost for an hour in Dallas before we came home. We had stopped quite a few times for bathroom breaks along highway 75. At the last stop I went in alone to buy a Frappucino and some Reisons. The woman at the counter asked me to stay a couple of extra minutes to find out if her credit card machine was up and running again. I agreed. After getting back into the car I joked with Jilli that we had stopped for a "reason" (ie..the candy). Little did we know that God really was ordering our steps all the way home.

It's funny...every day we make choices that seem to make little difference. It's easy to forget that the seemingly insignificant choices and moments may be keeping us from or leading us toward more significant moments. It's easy to forget that God is sovereign. He is always protecting us, always ordering our lives.

I will end my long monday morning entry with this thought...Yesterday at church, my pastor shared this word..."You may feel as if your life is scattered, but know this, God is strategically placing you in the place that you need to be." Words of life that I needed to hear. Words to sum up the events of this past weekend. It is good to be reminded that every moment of every day He is working on our behalf.

Wednesday, February 16

What is your purpose in life?

And before you give the expected Christian-e answer, stop and really consider the question.
It's a given:
We are ALL here on earth to know Christ.
We are ALL here to bring glory to God.
We are ALL here to fulfill the great commission.

But why is each one of us here specifically?
Why did God plan for YOU before the creation of the world?
What is significant about YOU?

What is in your heart?
What makes you feel most alive?
When do you feel that you are closest to God?

As I considered this tonight, I thought of the examples of others who have fulfilled their purposes here on this earth. Abraham Lincoln, expanded the definitions and perceptions of freedom. Mother Teresa placed worth on the lives of those who felt none. Oprah Winfrey brings opportunity, insight, and resources to those who otherwise might not have it. I could go on and on. There is a common thread here though and that is that freedom has come to others through the lives of these people...freedom to live without oppression, freedom to realize dreams, freedom to move beyond despair, freedom to KNOW God.

Because isn't that what God has intended for us all along?

So let's rephrase the question? How does your life bring freedom to others?
Better yet, how does the life of God flow through you and in turn bring life to others?

Tuesday, February 15

What makes a place feel like home? Can a classroom feel like home? Should a classroom feel like home? I contemplated these questions as I watched the sun rays fall through the window of my classroom. My favorite time of day is the quiet of the afternoon after the kids have all gone home. All of a sudden, there is quiet and peace and time to think.

The sun rays reminded me of home. I thought to myself, if I were the mother of these children what would I want for them? Number one, I would want them to feel at home. Number two, I would want them to be safe. Number three, I would want them to be motivated to learn. Number four, I would want them to have great resources for their learning.

So I asked myself, am I giving these things to my students? For the most part, I think so. But being a first year teacher it seems as if I stumble over good practices rather than plan them ahead of time.

It's not that school is supposed to be a picture of home. It's a place of learning. But at the same time, kindergarten is an important place to learn about relationships, community, problem-solving. It is a transition from home to the outside world.

What makes a good home? What makes a good classroom? Here is my starting list of the similarities.

1. prayer (granted I cannot lead them in prayer, but I can pray for them)
2. laughter
3. time to listen to one another
4. an atmosphere of understanding
5. family members/friends
6. a safe place to cry
7. a safe place to learn right from wrong
8. a safe place to explore new ideas
9. a place of provision, where needs are taken care of
10. a place where a person is encouraged to grow

Every day, this is the list that runs through my head. And I fail each time. But I'm learning the balance, and I'm learning how to listen, how to respond, how to deal with each child individually and according to their needs.

God has a hard job. I only have nineteen kids. And the more I work with them, the more I realize how individual they are. Each one has a unique approach to life. Each one learns differently, is motivated differently, responds differently to their environment. Each one needs time each day to be loved and encouraged.

I don't know how, God, but show me how. I can't stand the thought of failing these kids.

Monday, February 14

It's 12:30am and I can't resist saying something about the holiday that is upon us before I head to bed. I am not heartbroken this year that I do not have a valentine. In fact, I feel indifferent towards this day of love. Instead of romance and butterflies, I feel this huge void, a void that I was made aware of when S. left and then again when things fell apart with C. My idea of love has been a huge disappointment. It has not worked out as I had planned or as I had hoped. Those that I have loved or adored or held close have walked away or disappeared. And all of sudden my full plate looks empty, devoid of the pleasures I longed to taste. There are moments recently when the full weight of the void hits me. The message comes through as I find myself longing for someone or something. The void takes on faces and names. But I am becoming aware that the void cannot be filled by those someones or somethings. The truth is, I was created to be filled with the life and the love of God. He is the only perfect fit, the only fulfiller of dreams and desires. But I have no idea how this works. I have no idea how to let God love me in a real way. All I have is head knowledge, all I have are the testimonials of others, all I have is the faith that says, "it can happen, I hope it happens to me". What I truly desire is a recharging of the heart. I desire life to come back. With everything in me, I just want to know that I am for real and that God is pleased with me.

Fill my heart again
with the rains
with the sun
You know my shape,
my form
Awaken my desire and
show me Your love

Saturday, February 12

Finally, the end of a long week....Valentines Day comes next week, which means sugar highs for at least two to three days following. After this past week, I think I can handle it. :) The kids are so cute with their excitement about the upcoming holiday. I'm working up the excitement. :) Not too much action for the teacher this year.

Wednesday, February 9

I learned a valuable lesson today. Lack of sleep equals low supply of patience while interacting with kindergartners. I used to be able to handle five to six hours of sleep at night. I used to be able to roll out of bed without too much of a problem and handle the day's activities. Not anymore. This morning I saw a marked difference in my tolerance and multi-tasking levels. Something about three five year olds pushing for my attention at the same time, while I am helping another to understand his work, while the phone is ringing, while another student is crying. Yeah, not so good for a sleep deprived teacher. So here I am....signing off at approximately 10:40pm...which after reading for a bit puts me to sleep at about 11:30 pm. That's one hour extra tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow we can fit another one in there. Looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. :)
The soldiers are home!

Monday, February 7

"when we will look back on these times, we will realize with the deepest of convictions that this was the moment simple existence ended... we woke up,and began to truly live life."
To Pip: You have summed up the hearts of so many around you. When I read your blog tonight my heart said "yes" and I smiled. Somewhere, in the midst of our brokeness and our searching, we are learning to live.

Sunday, February 6

This morning I woke up and thought about my friend L. I have known L. since the beginning of my stay here in Tulsa. I met her in the room across from mine my first semester at college and soon afterwards she invited me to TPH. My first visit to TPH was refreshing and held reminders of home. That is why I stayed at this church for three and a half years. During that time L. and I became good friends. She brought with her laughter, deep thought, and soul searching creativity. L. was also the lead singer of a band. They were local but I knew they could go places far beyond T-town. If I had had the resources to invest in them, I would have sent them to wherever they needed to go. If I had known the ins and outs of music business I would have helped them through the red tape maze. With all my heart I believed in their message. They could play in any club or bar and bring people to their knees. When L. sang, she grabbed the attention of dark corners and hardened hearts. Her voice carried beyond church walls to a place that spoke of knowing God and being known by Him.

Some of my favorite moments with L. were the moments when we were singing. About a year into TPH I joined the worship team alongside her. At first, I was intimidated by the thought of my voice comparing to hers. The fear was shortlived, however. L. was not the intimidating type.

After three and half years at TPH, I decided that it was time for me to go. God had been speaking long before that, but it took awhile to actually realize it was Him and then to be obedient. I hated leaving without giving an explanation to the others in the congregation, especially L. I wanted to tell her the circumstances. I wanted to make her understand, but I knew it was not my place.

There had been a dark cloud over me at TPH. Staying had hindered my growth in so many ways. As I pondered all of this my heart broke for L. I would see her every so often at the coffeehouse where she worked close to my apartment. Our conversations were brief and almost always interuppted. I wanted so badly to tell her what I was going through. I saw her going through the same thing. Her band had died, her art was fading, she talked about feeling confused and lost. But how could I convince her to leave? I decided to continue to pray and leave it up to the Lord to lead her out. And then she left for another job location and I thought, "Well, I won't see her again for awhile."

As I got ready for church I thought about writing to L. or giving her a call. Was it worth it? Should I just let it go and move on? In the rush of the morning, I pushed the debate from my mind and headed out. My roomate and I arrived fifteen minutes late and sat in the back row. The service was good and being the first Sunday of February we shared communion after the sermon. I watched row after row file out ahead of ours to receive the elements. And that's when I saw her, L. was returning to her seat.

My eyes filled with tears. I watched as the worship service ended. I watched as the people around L. headed out the door. And then I walked to her seat and put my arm around her. It was a moment I have rarely tasted, the kind that you hope for but wait what seems like a lifetime to actually see, a moment of friends finding each other on the other side a long, hard season. There were tears in both of our eyes. L. told me that she had left TPH. She spoke some of the same words that I had spoken seven short months ago...words of uncertainty and regret, words of hope, determination, and newfound wisdom.

There are over 1,000 churches in T-town. And today L. and I ended up at the same one. I asked her about her music and she told me that she had begun to sing again. She told me that she was waking up in a world where she was free to follow her heart and free to hear the voice of God for herself. She was waking up and the cloud that had hovered for so long had begun to lift.

The evidence of God's faithfulness is everywhere. Every sunrise, every season, every rainstorm is a reminder of His commitment to our lives. Today, it was good to see Him again. And the funny thing is, I knew this day would come but I didn't know that I would see it with my own eyes. I am so thankful right now. God knows the deep cries in my heart and He is answering them. This helps me to wait as I hope to see the salvation of those I have been praying for for so long. It helps me to wait as I search for a place to settle and as I wait for my family to be settled. It helps me to wait, knowing that one day I will wake up, be on my way, and suddenly I will see the man that God has planned to bring across my path for so long.

You help me to wait, Lord, and you renew my strength.

Saturday, February 5

I sat at Camille's with my roomate tonight and discussed life decisions...yet again. The future seems to be our main topic of conversation as of late. Where should we go? What do we really want to do? Who do we really want to be near? Clues are beginning to filter in. Small traces of direction seep into our conversations, leaving me to contemplate our words long after. I told her that I am almost tired of this trying to figure things out. I find it exhausting, overwhelming, two-sided. I just wish the answers would finally come. But I also realize that the process of this search is causing my heart to be mended and reshaped. It is causing me to draw closer to God and question the deeper things that are going on. That's more important than any change in circumstances.

It all comes down to this. Yes, there are specific geographic places that I am weighing against one another. But these specific places are not what I am looking for; it is what lies within these places. What I really desire are meaningful relationships, belonging to a community of believers, fulfilling my purpose in whatever capacity that may be. In all reality, these could be found in any small corner of the world. And to tell you the truth, I don't really care where it is. I just want it to be somewhere and I don't want to miss out on it.

Email of the day:

Hey this a quick e-mail to say the next time i talk to ya i'll be in the U.S.A.
So don't reply to this e-mail. I'll be looking forward to seeing everyone as
soon as possible.
Joe

Joe has been in Iraq for a year. He's finally coming home...safe and sound. This good news has been a long time coming. God is faithful.

ps- I now have a two-stepping dance partner! Yeah! :)




Friday, February 4

"Without a purpose our only motivation is reward and punishment."

How do you help a kindergartner find their purpose?

I reflected on this last night as I sat in class. I saw the faces of my kindergarten students. I heard the words that I have spoken as I have taught them. Dr. M., my university professor, often warned of using behaviorism. Even now, when she comes for observations, she points out that students must be inwardly motivated to do the right thing. Little by little, I am seeing her point. I HATE being a mean teacher. But what I hate even more is allowing chaos in my classroom. The result? Classroom discipline. The obvious choice to most teachers is some kind of reward and punishment system. Dr. M., so far, has looked down at my attempts. With nineteen five and six year olds bouncing off the walls time does not always allow for pulling a student aside to discuss behavior. What I want is for them to be self-controlled and kind to one another without having to be reminded. I forget sometimes that they are in my classroom to learn these skills. So how do I unlock the internal motivators? If I can figure this out, it might be life changing to teach children without holding punishments or rewards over their head every second of the day.

Wednesday, February 2


Sold Posted by Hello

Well, it's pretty much official. The papers were signed this evening. Not sure where the family is heading now. We are all still praying for direction. To those of you back home...I would love your prayer support for the fam. I was remembering the good times in this house with mom tonight. I was remembering the gatherings during the good old MCC and BASIC days. Boy, we had fun. Walks to Charlotte Beach, cookouts, pool parties, nights we just sat in the garage and worshiped, enjoying the backyard swing. This was a good place to be.

The worst part of leaving this house will be leaving the piano. I had told God before we moved to Rochester that I really wanted a piano in the house. And for real, folks, it came with this house and it brought music into our family. My dad would sit for the longest time and just play. Even as he played, single note by single note, peace would drift through the house. And I would play and I would feel as if I was pouring my heart out on those keys. I cannot even begin to explain the ministry of this piano...or rather the ministry of God through it. I miss the piano already. It is the only thing, so far, that I have shed tears over as my parents talk about moving.

Tuesday, February 1


John with Iraqi National Guard Posted by Hello

My friend John sent this picture to me today along with his experience of the elections while serving in Iraq.


"The whole experience was nice. We guarded the camp and had six hour shifts apiece. Luckily I got the 12:00pm to 6:00pm! Not a whole lot happened. Well, I say not a whole lot but we recieved some rockets that about gave me a heart attack. I was on duty and we got hit and then I heard another rocket coming in and it sounded like it was headed straight for me. Talk about your close calls. Luckily no one was hurt! We also had a few dud rockets that came in. I was laying in bed and we had all the lights out. I saw two flares and it looked like they were moving and come towards us and then I heard another rocket. I thought we were done for but I guess itwas a dud also. I thought I had been nervous before but nothing like those twoincidents. For the most part the election went well. There were very fewattacks and that says something for the security of the country! It may not be all that secure but we have definetly made progress and that's all that can be asked."
Every time I look at this picture it is like looking at the face of a newborn. I feel hope and concern and joy all at the same time. Our generation has been fighting for the freedom of these men and the country they represent and now defend. Our men and women have died so that these men would have the chance to live. Courage and Bravery. I am challenged as I live among those who would lay down their lives for a cause that is bigger than their own understanding. I am humbled, knowing that my own brother and friends walk the line between life and death in order to preserve this freedom. God has placed freedom in our hearts. He has given it to us in order that we may choose Him without reservation. And we must, in turn, share the gift we have been given.
Psalm 146
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord, O my soul.
I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing to my God as long as I live.
Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,
the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them--
the Lord, who remains faithful forever.
He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The Lord sets the prisoners free,
the Lord gives sight to the blind,
the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,
the Lord loves the righteous.
The Lord watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.
The Lord reigns forever,
Your God, O Zion, for all generations.
Praise the Lord.
I am glad that God is faithful, even when we are faithless. I am glad that He remembers, even when we forget. I am glad that God loves us, even when we do not understand His love. I am glad. I'm going to try to remember His goodness in the middle of the school day, when the kids are less than perfect and wearing on my last bit of patience. I'm going to try to remember the ways in which He draws me out, so that somehow I can pull them into this thing called learning. I'm going to try to remember above all to encourage them and smile at them and value their perspectives. Lord show me how to teach them better.