Dad is the kind of guy who knows how to pack...seriously, if anyone could bring the proverbial camel through the eye of the needle, he'd have a good chance. I was helping my dad pack the truck two nights ago. I looked up at him and asked, "what can I bring you, dad?" He looked at me and answered, "everything". In the context of our conversation his response made perfect sense. But it was also one of those moments where words transcend immediate circumstances. What I heard was more than just a request to bring the rest of my boxes to the packing area.

My dad carried the load that I could not carry with my own car. My dad covered the expenses that I could not cover. All I had to do was bring what I had so that He could arrange and put things into their place. In the midst of this, I saw a picture of me and God, my Father. Isn't God the one preparing the way for me? Isn't God the one who arranges my life? All I have to do is bring Him what I have and what I need Him to carry for me. It makes so much sense.

...What does He want from me? Everything.

I don't know about everyone else but when I think about the term "everything" I hear this groaning inside of me that says, "oh no, what if I don't get these things back?", "what if giving 'everything' requires more than I can give?" This groaning turns into apathy and stores itself as pride. "I can do it on my own. I can go into debt paying my own way. I can handle the stress of trying to find my own way." That or I give the lip service that claims everything but holds much less. "Oh God, you have everything...I give you everything...you have ALL of me." When really, I spend my whole day making choices as if it did not matter to Him. I worry about what I am going to wear or who I am going to talk to or how I am going to make a payment. And I don't even to stop to say, "God, what is your heart about this? What is your will for me today? What should I really be doing in this situation?"

He makes a way for us when we don't know the way. He gives us everything we will ever need. He is there when we need Him. And it's so simple to just bring it. All He asks is that we bring Him our boxes, the precious things we carry with us, the junk that we don't know how to throw away or get rid of. He will arrange it, He will carry it.

...And when the time comes, He carries us.

God carry me and take my fears as I enter this new season.

My bedroom echos. It is empty and for the next two weeks I will sleep on a blow-up mattress (or the couch....we'll see which is more comfortable). My parents took their holiday weekend to help me move all of my things. They showed up today with my uncle's truck....we still haven't figured out what year it is, but let me tell you...it does it's job. ;)

Since my parents showed up, I decided it was a good time for them to meet my closest friends. My "Tulsa family" came over for an early dinner...soup, sandwhiches, fruit salad, berry pie and ice cream. I have waited four years for this day, it was good to have everyone together. Then P. and his roomate came over to eat and help with the moving process. I looked around and felt so blessed to have these people in my life. I had this realization that they are evidence of God's grace in my life. I have gone through some hard seasons, made some wrong decisions, and yet these friends and family have prayed for me, loved me, and stood by me. They even take the time to help with the huge process of moving. I feel as if I couldn't ever repay them for who and what they have been for me.

Oh and here's a thought...All I have left here at my apartment...computer, guitar, Bible, sketchbook, clothes, plants, fish...oh and dishes. And yet the truck is piled high with things that I "need". Hmm...it's nice to scale down...weird to live without furniture, but I'm likin' the simplicity. It's no wonder God doesn't let us take things with us...it takes too long to pack and who really needs the stuff anyways... ;)

Eat your heart out U-Haul! This old truck has done the job and has saved me a thousand dollars, and I am not exaggerating. Thanks to my uncle in Florida, my every (well, almost every) belonging is on its way to the sunshine state.  

The mark of authenticity....my favorite part. :) 

This isn't the brightest picture, but it is in fact what I call evidence of a miracle. A whole bedroom set (we're talking headboard, mattress, boxspring, chest of drawers, double dresser w/mirror, nightstand), 2 bookshelves, boxes and boxes of clothes and books, all of my school supplies (which took up my whole car's backseat and trunk space), a vaccum cleaner, works of art, a filing cabinet, etc., etc., etc., I never thought it would fit! 

...but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven...
for where your treasure is there your heart will be also...

matthew 6:20,21

"It is finished"....the words I said to myself as I left my school building today. I can't believe it's all over! I can't believe it's time to move on from Tulsa. I have waited and waited for this....

I'm going to miss my kiddos. I'm going to miss their laughter and their faces. I'm going to miss watching them grow up through the school years. Little A. was on the playground last Friday as I was cleaning out my classroom. I had her come and pick up her lost bracelet. "Miss T., would you come to my house for dinner sometime?" Her sincerity just melted my heart. Just a couple months ago, as we sat together on the school bus, she asked me, "Could you come to my house for a sleepover?" There were times when I wondered if I was even getting through to this little one. Her ability to follow directions was questionable and a bit frustrating. But by the end of the year, I know she got through to me. She brought me a framed portrait of the words, "A hundred years from now..it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child!" Up until the moment when I opened this gift, I thought of this saying (that I have read many times before) as general and cheesy. But when I read those words and saw the smile on A.'s face, I was brought to tears. Because don't I worry about all that other stuff every single day of my life? And yet the most important things are the children who stare me in the face for eight hours a day, five days a week.

I can see the change that occured in me over this past year. I can see how the capacity to love and teach these children grew more than I thought it could. And I still have so much more to learn...

Looking into yesterday and all the dreams that heaven sent.

Maybe love will come our way

And when I stand upon the land I threw the dreams into the sea

Maybe they will rise again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

Looking to the 'morrows dreams

And all the secrets that they hold

Patiently waiting for these days

And when I look into the sky I see that

hope is coming soon

Praying love will come again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

Delirious

Tonight, I am hoping for a second chance. I look at my life and the choices I have made and I hope that God's mercy is greater than my ignorance and my hardened heart. It is easy to say so, it is harder to believe it. I don't know how to be who I was made to be. But I know it is there. I know that deep inside of me are all of the things I am longing for...peace, purity, fruitfulness, faithfulness, excellence. What is the key to unlock these things? What is the key to unlocking the presence of God in my life once again? He has never left me I am sure. But have I left Him? Deep thoughts on a Friday night...I know. But the more I reflect on circumstances as of late...I really wonder at the state of my heart. I wonder because of the compromise that I see. I hate to even think about it.

Lord, set my feet on paths of righteousness and make my crooked places straight. Turn my heart once again and let me hear the sound of your voice calling. Be near to me, God.

Just found this article...encouraging.

So we released our tadpoles into the pond behind our school today. Let me just say that all 40 kindergarteners were awesome. The other teacher and I made sure to tell them to keep hands and feet out of the water. And that they did. What we neglected to tell them was to keep from touching the dead fish that would be laying on the grass beside the pond. Before we knew it, dead minnows were flying through the air and back onto the surface of the water. Ugh...something to remember for next time. :P

To those of you who know me and who read my posts...to those of you whose email addresses I do not have...I am moving to Jacksonville, FL. June 11 is the date of departure.

We truly never know the plans that God has for us, but we can always trust that they are to give us a hope and a future. I feel more hopeful than I have felt for a long time. It's surprising even to me to keep telling this news. I never thought I'd say the words, "I"m moving to Florida." ...and here I am, just weeks before the u-haul trailer pulls out of town. I can't believe it's all falling into place. God was waiting for the perfect time to open up this door. I feel so blessed to know that He has ordained a new chapter, something fresh...a new adventure. Who knows what else will follow?

What If is written by a new friend of mine. It asks a lot of serious questions I myself have been asking lately. Be careful, you might find yourself in there too.

(The results of a "keys to your heart" test used to be posted here...I have taken them out...weird, but for the past couple of days I could not stand the thought of putting this type of test on my blog (no offense to those who do post these types of tests because they are kind of fun). Although it seemed to offer some sort of insight, I did not like the way it came about. It's gone and I feel much better. Who needs the "experts" anyways?) :)

I couldn't resist adding another kid quote to the mix. :)

Afternoon Recess

C. (brand new student in my class and obviously upset) - "Miss T., B. is trying to give me a wedgie!"

Me (after walking over to B. on the playground) - "B., why were you trying to give C. a wedgie?"

B. (with a look of honest sincerity) - "But, Miss T., I thought he wanted one."

LOL - maybe it's just the end of the year, but i wanted to laugh right out loud

I got pulled over by a police officer tonight, for the first time ever in my life. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. He pulled me over because of my missing headlight...."Yes, sir, I know..." Then he sat in his car for a few minutes while I prayed for the best possible outcome. I know officers are out there to help you, but they always scare me a little bit. Anyways, he served me a warning, I had to sign for it. Then he looked at me with the concern a dad would have on his face and said, "Be careful". That was nice. I drove exactly the speed limit (well almost exactly) all the way home.

I went to mass with my friend J. tonight, and I must say that some parts of it were very refreshing. Since leaving the small church I attended about this time last year I have stood back and looked at the experience of church in a whole new light. Sometimes, I am drastically bored and at other times I am extremely touched. Mostly though, I find that church is not so normal or comfortable anymore and I find myself searching for the place I once knew as a child...though I doubt it will ever be the same. Tonight, I was not really searching, just tagging along because I had been invited.

I love the reverence that is practiced at Catholic services, though at times the religiousity seems a bit much. But really, I look at what is going on outwardly and I long for that reverence to be found in my own heart. It seems to me that during a Catholic church service, the people sing and repeat such powerful words and I wonder if they even know it. I am often moved to tears (this isn't the first time I have been to mass) by the simplicity and the pointedness of the prayers and recitations and scripture readings. It is as if I am allowed to focus more on the words in the message rather than on how the message is being delivered to me.

After eucharist was served this evening there seemed to be such an intimacy in the chapel. In all of my visits to Catholic churches this was the first time I have ever noticed such a difference. I was sad that I was not Catholic and therefore had not been permitted to take part in the elements. (I mean, they couldn't really know, of course, whether or not I was Catholic, but J. knew, and judging by how I didn't know any of the practices I most likely stood out as an "outsider".) Nonetheless, I was touched by the intimacy of the service. At the end, the priest came and knelt before the altar and for about two minutes there was complete silence in the chapel as we bowed our heads in prayer. How cleansing, prayer without noise, without music, without voices...complete silence aside from a random person's cough here or there. I left the chapel thinking, church should be more like this...contemplative, simple, sincere.

I am posting into the early morning hours after just arriving home from a night of babysitting, and as I post I am looking around at a very spacious bedroom. It is spacious because there is now only one person living in it. Slight evidence would suggest that a roomate existed even this morning...lotion in the bathroom, a small fan on the floor, milk and toaster strudels in the kitchen. Jilli I miss you already.

We contemplated the Howard run last night but opted to forego such an opportunity. For those of you who do not know, the Howard Auditorium is located on the ORU campus and looks like a mini Epcot center. Many students climb this odd shaped building and run its circumference despite security measures taken to keep such activities to a minimum. Instead, we walked the entire campus one last time. If you stand in a spot long enough, it is amazing how memories will come back to you. I could see people and events that took place. I could see the faces of friends and acquaintances. I could feel the weather. I could smell the food. I could almost taste the emotions that I had felt while living on a college campus. I am forever changed because of this season in my life. I am forever changed because of the people I have met and the God that I have come to know. The campus holds something great in its midst. An amazing presence of God makes itself at home on this land. You cannot be on it for long before you realize the peace that pervades everything. It is the only place in the world that I feel safe enough to walk alone at night. And although I cannot stay here, I know that it will stay with me. The seeds of greatness and of healing and of hope have been planted in my heart and as I move on I know that I will be able to spread these seeds to others.

A new season has begun. I sensed its arrival. I knew it was about to come. I knew that life would not be the same. But when it really happened today, it hit me as if by surprise. Oh! I didn't know this was coming. I didn't even get tears in my eyes until about one mile from the airport. Somehow, I hadn't informed myself that Jilli was leaving. The packing, the graduation, the last minute trip to campus last night slipped right past me.

I'm not sure if I am even convinced of my own journey out of Tulsa. I am pretty sure that it is true, but I am also afraid. I keep telling God this, continually hoping for reassurance that I am doing the right thing. This is the first time I have ever made a life decision alone. My parents are not making the decision and there are no friends to make plans and go with me.

What am I leaving behind? What am I walking towards? These are the questions that lay upon my heart. God help me to weigh both in the balances and help me to be sure.

Following directions...
Found this in Bethany's Journal...try it and leave a comment with your sentence.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth full sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually nearest to you.

This shall be your land with its surrounding boundaries.
Numbers 34:12

I ran across this quote tonight on a friend's away message:

then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-anais nin

For quite some time now, I have been painfully aware that home is not what it used to be. The location has changed, the childhood securities remain only in my memory, and the people I love have grown and moved on with their lives. Nothing is the same. But I long for it as if it was only down the street or around the corner from where I am living now.

It seems that I have almost forgotten that I am allowed to be home. I have lived in transition for quite a few years and have found myself displaced from a real house and a real family. I have forgotten what it is like to live near family, to have four walls to call my own, and to be in a place where I truly belong and am certain that I want to pour my heart and life into. I have forgotten that such things exist and that they are not just for people I know, but for me too.

There is a line from a movie (that I cannot remember the name of at this moment) that continues to play over and over in my head. It is spoken by a character who is talking about returning home, "only to no home I'd ever been". This plays constantly in my head, and I mull it over thinking...what does it really mean?

I keep asking where my home is. Is it here? Is it there? Is it in a place that I have not yet been to? And from a Christian viewpoint, we should all know the answer...our ultimate home is with God. If we are longing for home, it is because we were created to be at home with Him. I know that. But even though I totally look forward to the wonder of Heaven, right here and right now, I am saying, "God WHERE do I belong?"

And so, quietly, I have been searching my heart for what is truly important. And what I have discovered is that the most important thing to me is relationships. At this point in my life, I have the opportunity to transplant myself and pursue relationships anywhere I so desire. Not ties, no strings attached. And so I have done an inventory of my relationships...here in Tulsa, back in NY, around the United States. And even though all are important to me, and even though I love each person for who they are and have been in my life, I have come to the conclusion that God has given me my family for a reason and I need to be with them the most.

Tonight, I have decided to return home. Home is where my family is. It is not a location, it is not a house, it is not a job. Home is the containment of the people I love, and that is exactly where I want to be...with them.

It is time to spread my wings and to trust God once again.

Where I live from the bird's eye view of the 60th Floor of the City of Faith. 

Hooding with my roomie. I'm sooo proud. :) 

Graduation Day - Finding your friends in the crowd is almost like searching through an I-Spy book.