Today, I put my hands in God's hands. I look into His loving face and wait for Him to hold me close. I wait for His answers, for His guidance, for His reassurance. I wait. And as long as He is holding me close, I don't think it matters how long I stand there. As long as I stay in His embrace I will rest in the fact that an answer is ready and waiting for me.
We have our battles do we not? And our battles seem great comparison to our small understandings.
I am getting older, I am not a child or a 20 something anymore. I need to trust God. I am growing set in my ways. I am becoming less accustomed to enjoying change at every moment. I need to trust God. There is so much that I want, that I dream of. I need to trust God. There are so many questions in my heart. I need to trust God.
And I need to be quiet. Isaiah says, "In quietness and trust is your salvation...".
My life is about to change. I need to trust God.
Sunday, October 25
Sunday, October 11
Awakening
My guitar is making it's way to the heart of Nashville tonight. She will come out of her case surrounded by the sounds of bluegrass instruments, in a place where legends have passed through, in a place where music is spoken between old and young, professional musicians and plain old music lovers alike. And why am I not with her? Why is she playing on her own?
I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.
I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.
Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.
I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.
Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.
And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.
http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus
I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.
I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.
Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.
I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.
Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.
And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.
http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus
Tuesday, October 6
A Lot to Say
Why is it that a million thoughts go through my head, each with intention, each with it's own emotion, each with it's own ability to create the urge in me to write it down...and then, when I get to the place of writing it down, I can't remember anything I was about to say?
Humph.
This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.
Humph.
This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.
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