On Keeping a Promise

My friend Kate recently told me about her grandparents who met in England during World War II. Her Grandpa was an American soldier, her grandmother a girl who lived in Great Britain. They fell in love, got married and planned for her to meet him 6 months later in America. There were no phone calls during those 6 months, no letters, no visits. She had to leave behind everything she knew, leave her family. And yet, she went because she trusted that he would meet her on the other side...that he would take care of her, love her for the rest of her life. And decades later, up until the time his body would no longer allow him to do so, he would still bring her tea in bed every morning. He took care of her. Kept his promise.

This story seems so foreign to me...so romantic...so...well, just as I always wished it would be. But it's hard for me to think it could happen in my own life. I change my mind like the wind. One day I feel a certain way and the next I am the opposite. And I know I'm not the only one.

A man I once loved promised to never leave...but he did, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My dad promised me a doll house, but it just never happened. He's an awesome dad, loves me so much, has gone out of his way for me hundreds of times...he just didn't find the time to build the dollhouse I wanted as a little girl. I don't hold that against him. I look around me and I see others who have hoped for more and have not found it. I look at today's politics, the divorce rate, the failures of high profile religious figures, the highly publicized broken relationships of Hollywood, the thousands of children in foster care, crowded jail cells, not to mention the modern art and craft of marketing and making a sale. People's words hold less and less value in this day and age. And truthfully, I think I have just learned to adapt. I have learned how to live without someone keeping their word...to act satisfied in spite of disappointment...to act as if I didn't really need the promise yet anyways. The promise just keeps moving one step ahead of me...leading me in it's direction, causing me to walk carefully, but never making good on what I hoped it would be. And I have wondered over and over...Will I really see it come to pass? I have so often lived in the fear of carrying false hope.

That's where I was in the car this morning. I realized that I don't believe God loves me as much as He says He does. I realized how afraid I have been that He is ready to put me out of the house. I have been afraid that I am not enough in His eyes. I have felt as if I have not been trying hard enough, working long enough, setting my heart in the right place, longing for the right things, loving the way I should be. The list goes on and on about how much I have messed up. Sure, He loves others unconditionally. But for me, it seems so much more has been required...for me somehow, I am not allowed to mess up. Because if I do mess up, then surely I would be a disappointment to Him. I would miss out on all that He has for me. I would miss out on what He has promised for my life.

I think I have reacted this way to people too. So often I have been afraid that one wrong move would mean a broken relationship or some kind of rejection.

And, in addition, if I change my mind so often, surely others do too. Surely their opinion one day might not be their opinion the next. And, therefore, how can I trust what they said to me the day before?

But God is not a man that He should lie. God's promises are yes and amen. God is working all things together for our good. God is patient with us. God is going to complete the good work that He has begun in us. God knows the plans He has for us...plans to give us a hope and a future. God wrote a book about each of our lives...He loved us before we ever knew about Him.

And Romans 5 talks about the very fact that we are unable to ever be good enough to earn the love of God. God knew this. God's plan all along was to redeem us from our own depravity. So He sent Jesus to die in our place. Because of Jesus, we never have to feel unworthy or unable to meet His expectations. He loves us...period. He is working on our behalf...period.

In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years for God's promise of a son. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years before they saw their promised land. Joseph received a promise from God when he was a teenager that did not come to pass until he was 30. David was anointed as king at a young age but he did not get to the throne until he was about 30 either. They walked through testing and trials along the way. There were days when they did not think they would make it...days when they questioned whether they heard correctly from the Lord...days when they probably questioned whether they had missed what God said all together. But God followed through. The promises did come to pass. Those days of waiting didn't mean that God didn't love them, or that He was waiting for them to get it together and make it happen for themselves. God had a plan. He had a plan that would cause their hearts to turn to Him, to be prepared...so that when the perfect time came, He could open the door and they would be ready and able to walk in the promise.

I am 28 years old and I am only now just realizing that God doesn't change His mind. When He says something, He means it. When He makes a promise, He will follow through. When He says He loves me, that will never change. When He says He will never leave me, He won't. When He says He is going to bless my life, He will. I don't have to worry about messing up. He'll take care of it. I don't have to worry about making a wrong move. He's working all things together for my good. He doesn't change His mind about me.

I'll probably keep coming back to read this blog post. I'll probably write more about it too. It is time to change my mind about a few things. It is time to stop being afraid of God's disappointment and punishment...time to start trusting in His great love for me. Maybe then, I'll be at rest a little more. Maybe then, I'll be able to run more freely in this great grace He has given to all of us. Maybe, I'll become someone who follows through and keeps my word. Maybe, I'll find others who want to do the same.

So, what do you think?

With God on our side like this, how can we lose?

If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?

And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
---Romans 8:31-39---The Message

Day 5 - Going To Stay

If you're reading this mom, please know that I'd like to be sitting with you and dad tonight eating scrambled eggs and grits. It sounds very comforting. If you're anyone else reading this, please know that I'd also like to be putting together new furniture and painting walls and just hanging out for no reason at all. I'm looking forward to hugging my kids on Monday. I can't wait to get back into the quiet little studio on Edgewood. I want to finish what I started there.

We drove all over Nashville today looking for a new place to live. I love going inside new homes and looking at floorplans and interior designs. The three of us made a good team, picking up where each left off. I know we'll make it here together when the time comes. At the end of the day, we still don't have a place yet, but I'm not too worried.

I feel like I'm in a whole new world. The people are different, the atmosphere is different...I am different. I didn't realize that middle Tennessee would be a culture shock...and it probably wouldn't seem so much if I was just a tourist coming through. It's just the knowing that I'll be here in 8 weeks and this will be home feeling that keeps me from running through the streets as if they'll never see me again.

I think I'd like to buy a good camera when I get here. I want to start taking pictures. I'd also like to start taking more walks, there's a lot to see. I'd like to buy a new hat or two. I don't know if I want to teach. I want to see what happens if I do something different. I want to write more. Maybe I'll start my book soon. I am realizing that even though I have been blessed with many relationships and friends, there's a difference between the ones who stay and the ones who go. For this reason, I wish I could stay. But I know I can't...because if I did, I wouldn't be the same girl...I have no choice but to choose what God has put in my heart to do.

And that's what all of this boils down to. I have to step out of the boat now. I have to walk towards the voice that speaks to the depths of my heart. I have to trust that this voice will lead me to my heart's desire. I am going, to stay on the path that has been set before me.

Day 4 - What to Do With Freedom

We stood on Trevecca's campus looking at the lighted skyline of the city. "Am I allowed to say that I have come here to be a songwriter?", I asked Kim. Every time she had been asked about her reasons for being here, her response has been that she is following her dreams. But I have been afraid of sounding starry eyed. I have been afraid of sounding presumptious. I have been afraid that someone would look at me as if I didn't have a right to enter this music city.

Can I really come here to be a songwriter? Can I really come here and take the time to develop the art that continues to grow inside of my heart? Can I afford to leave practicality for awhile? Can I afford to let go of the my identity as a teacher? Can I really step out of the boat and pursue something outside of my box? I have longed for a day when I would have the choice to do anything, be anything, pursue anything. And now the day is here, and I don't know what to do with freedom.

"Kim," I said, "we are free." And we are...we don't have time limits or dependents. We have dreams and talents, and just enough faith and curiosity to see where these things will take us. I have had just enough life experience to not be afraid of maps and new places, unknown circumstances and unmet needs. But not enough I suppose to really know how to live when presented with the gift of a fresh new start. So my prayer now is, God show me what to do at the beginning, show me what you have put in my heart to do, give me the faith to pursue what I have not known how to pursue before, and stay close to me, provide for me, keep me from holding on to anything less than freedom.

Day 3 - Where the Heart Is

We woke to sound of housekeeping knocking on our door, mumbling something of a surprise that we had gotten here "early". The truth is that we were on time but had slept in the wrong rooms the night before. It all got straightened out...well, that is, until tonight when we got home and found ourselves locked out of our room...but all is well now...

We spent the first hour of the morning looking for breakfast...by the time we decided where to go it was lunchtime as well, so we opted for something in between.

We descended upon the town of Franklin, about 20 minutes from downtown. The busy storefronts with cafe's, businesses, and vintage shops very much reminded me of the small towns of NY...only with a southern flare and a busier thoroughfare. Franklin is the town many of Nashville's big names call home. I swear I saw Carrie Underwood walking down the street, but Kim, after being at a recent concert, disagrees with my opinion. For the big names it holds, however, the town is quaint and friendly and very peaceful. We found the cafe' we were looking for and settled in on something to eat.

Halfway through our meal, two lawyers joined the end of our six person table. They were so friendly that within about 15 minutes, we had houses to look at, a contact to speak to at the board of education, a business card, and the name of a realtor....not to mention we got to hear a few great stories and had some good laughs. We spent the rest of the day following their leads.

Then tonight, we met up with Ruby who only moved here two months ago. She spoke of her experiences thus far and I'd have to say that the two things I carry from the conversation were these: that Nasvhille is a place of nurturing and also not to be afraid to be who we are even among so many great musicians.

I needed to hear her say these two things. I needed to hear someone tell me, "Who cares how good they are? You do what is in your heart to do...and do it well." I needed to know that this was a place where I would be able to grow and not shrink from what is in my heart to do.

Thus far, I have been pretty unemotional on the trip. In fact, I have felt more serious than excited. I am listening to my friends go through what they are experiencing. I am soaking in these surroundings, slightly familiar and yet so unknown. I am taking in information, trying to sort through plans and leads. I am reading maps and looking at street signs. I am waiting, wondering, and hoping for divine appointments. In the midst of all of this, I am missing my dear friends in Jacksonville already. I can't wait to get back to their comfort and yet I know that soon, I will not have the hope of returning to them. It makes me sad.

I listened to Kim all the way back to the city tonight, after leaving Ruby. I listened to her speak the same concerns and desires I felt in my own heart. I listened and felt only a knowing. A knowing, yet an inability to do a thing to make it all better or clearer at the moment. A knowing, but not an emotion...and I wondered where my heart was at in all of this. Was it here yet? Was it hiding? Where will my place be in the midst of Nashville?

And then I saw the skyline of this blessed city. Nashville, pegged as "the city of broken dreams", but I am calling it the city of dreams fulfilled. My dreams were broken and mended before I ever arrived here and I am sure they will be tested and tried and deepened in the days to come. I only know this...that a dream is coming to pass as I arrive in this place...a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.

We took a wrong turn and ended up on the strip...we rolled down the windows and I could hear the dreams come alive. Doorways were crowded with onlookers paying to hear the bands inside. In every direction a different song was being lifted up and yet it sounded like a heavenly blend of merriment and life. People walking through the lights and darkness, cars pulling in and out of spaces, music everywhere. And I wanted to be in the midst of it all. I wanted to open up my car door and step out to hear the dreams of this place. I wanted to hear the stories of the people who had come, people who were making journeys just like me. That is when my eyes lit up with tears and something inside of me leaped up and said "yes". Tonight, I wanted to be where the people were, sharing my story and hearing theirs. I wanted to hear the songs that called out for others to come in. I wanted to write and sing the songs that will one day do the same.

Tomorrow we will see more. Tomorrow night I will walk down this street of dreams for the first time. God show me the way.

Day 2 - The Open Road

We were actually ready by 9am, our projected time of departure. Kim made us french toast for breakfast, we packed up the car, and prayed over our day before heading out. Kansas City's skies were overcast and gray and the air was cold. But the further south we headed the more we were surrounded by green, rolling hills, random trees overflowing with white blossoms, and surprising spreads of purple blossoms on trees and fields. We spent the day listening to Colbie Caliet, Celine Dion, Monster Hits, Worship albums, Snow Patrol and everything else in between. We talked about the usual...getting over boys, the amazing events that had led up to this road trip, our families and friends. We did lose track of a credit card for awhile. We did have to turn around once. There was a major detour through St. Louis. But all in all, it was a beautiful day.

Fast forward to the last leg of the trip. We finally made it to Tennessee....and better yet...all the way into Nashville. I mean, I have been to Nashville...but this time, I have to remind myself...oh yeah, this is your future home. I have felt the hand of providence all day...from the details of the dream Kim had about this very trip six months before we ever even thought about coming, to the 333 on our final destination address (a number which bears a lot of significance in my family), to the billboard signs all along the way, to the signs of spring after a long drive through winter...I just know the Lord's hand has been leading us here...leading me here.

The road we came in on was I-24...it's motto is..."A symbol of freedom". And that is exactly how I have been feeling for the past couple of days. I feel like we are so blessed to be walking in this freedom. We are going to be able to live in the city we have only dreamed and talked about. We are going to be able to find ourselves and find the Lord in the place where He has beckoned our hearts to come. I am going to have the time to write again. We are free to be in this place...free to start fresh and new. What a gift...this freedom.

Day One

Two seconds into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I could see myself driving away in my overpacked car, windows down, narrator speaking in the background of what lay behind and what lay ahead...kind of like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could finally see it. The thing I had longed for, and lost track of, and gained back, and wished would take it's time. I could see the point of letting go, once again facing the open road, and starting a new chapter. The song continued to play and I realized that I was in the middle of close friends, celebrating a wedding. I tucked the picture into the back of my mind and tuned in to the vows being shared.

I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.

This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.

This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.

The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.

Artist Showcase

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Questions and Answers

So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.

I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.

But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.

We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?

If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.

I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.

It Won't Be Long...

Won't be long and I will wake up to the sounds of a new city.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.

Reflection

Classic Reflections on Easter

He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.

— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233

I Sure Would Like to Know...

I spent the weekend mostly in the comfort of my apartment...sleeping in, taking naps...playing my guitar...emailing...washing sheets and towels...yeah, that's about it. There are times to be running all over the city, chasing friends, chasing excitement...and there are times to be still and quiet. This weekend was definitely meant for stillness and quietness.

Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.

I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.

But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.

Famous Dreams

I keep having dreams about famous people. Billy and Franklin Graham have been in my dreams more than once. I have also met two big name musicians and have asked them about songwriting and performing. In all the dreams I am searching and asking questions that they seem to have answers to. The only one that asked me questions was Donald Trump, he wanted me to go into business with him. Interesting...

Sunday Night at the Coffee House....

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Seeking the Kingdom

I asked a good friend of mine one night as we sat together on a Riverside park bench what he was sure of. I don't remember his answer or my exact words for that matter. What I do remember was the feeling that all was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop the time.

It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.

There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.

My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.

My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.

If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.

Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.

And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.

Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Hit and Run

After work tonight I headed out into the rain to get to the studio. I wanted to lay down tracks for 3 more songs. Distracted for a moment by a phone call, I forgot to turn onto the correct street. I hung up the phone and kept driving...trying to figure out how to get back on track. It worked, and I knew I'd get there with plenty of time to get things done. I got ready to to make another turn, rolled to a stop, checked the traffic to my left and promptly felt my car make impact with something and bounce backwards. I realized, after a moment, that I had rolled into the truck in front of me...it was obviously my mistake...and not one that I have ever made before.

The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.

I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.

Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.

After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.

Ode To Valentine's Day

Tomorrow I will wear pink
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.

I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)

Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.

Undivided

If I kept going at this rate I would pass the mark for a 60 hour work week. And that's just where it begins...I finally started adding it all up in my head. Getting up early, going to bed late...keeping up (or still falling behind) with paper work, making time for friends and family, wishing for more time with worship and song. There are not enough hours in the day according to my schedule. I find myself wanting to retreat to a quiet place, wanting to drop it all and find peace again.

In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.

It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.

Psalm 86:11 -

Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

Hold Me Close

Keep my heart so close to yours
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow

Confession of a Teacher

The biggest worry I have as a teacher...is that I have not esteemed my students enough.

Did I encourage so and so today? Did I take the time to listen to what was important to them? Did I reason with them when they needed redirection? Did I allow them to take up their own responsibility?

Or was I too rushed to stop and listen to their questions about the world? Was I too focused to see what was really going on? Did my agenda really line up with their needs?

Do I cause them to want to learn about the world? Do I instill in them a love of research and learning? Do I lift them up and esteem them so that they will have the confidence to continue?

Confessions of a teacher:
Today, it was easier to plough through the lesson than it was to comfort and encourage.
It was easier to silence the confusion rather than speak to the heart of the situation.
It was easier to share my own frustrations rather than empathize and discern how to be patient with their concerns.
It was easier to walk in silence rather than share in a delightful conversation.

I remember being a child and needing affirmation. I am an adult and I need that now. I want to know that I am doing a good job. I want the freedom to be independent and make my own decisions. I want attention and love. If I could just figure out a way to balance this realization and my reaction to their attempts at learning....then maybe we would have more peace.

My own patience basically depleted...I am in need of God's help. These children have been entrusted to me. They are so precious...each and every one. They are with me for just a season...and I know that they are assigned to my classroom for a reason. Lord, show me how to love them...show me how to teach them...show me how to draw out the best in them. I never wanted to be the frustrated teacher. I never wanted to be the one who grew bitter because I did not understand my students.

Tomorrow, I will try again.

The Great Unknown

Every note drives me further than the one before.

Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?

But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.

And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.